Just a little bit longer...

Okay this is it and then I promise I am done...I will be magically and totally over him. He is in my head all day, the second my eyes pop open...I still haven't heard from him, no email, no phone message, nothing. So I'm thinking, what if I said something horrible to him, like, Babe, I want you to see me have sex with many guys...and let's just say, he was kinda grossed out as I was and didn't answer the phone., then let's just say I receive an email from him stating that he is not the man I'm looking for....I think at that moment.....If I cared for him and said something that was not in my character, I would not stop calling him or emailing him. I would not want to lose him for something stupid that I said, especially if I didn't mean it. Now what if I did mean it, then I would not be in touch with him, no email, no call.
So I firmly believe, with H's silence, that he meant it....and now he knows that I am not into the things he's into. So I'm surre he's out looking or already has found someone who is....I am so upset. I just don't understand how or why he was so perfect in the beginning....he should have known what type of girl I was. I just don't understand it....He was so perfect...the man you dream about...everything was perfect about him, the way he kissed me, the way he touched me, his over kill phone calls, eh, I love those the most...I still have the beautiful petals of the beautiful bouquet of flowers he had given to me. I kept all of the petals and the beautiful ribbon, I still have our movie stub...so I miss him...I just have to acknowledge that he has forgotten me...and moved on. I'm going to stay here for a while...I don't want to move on....just yet...I want to stay in my memories of him...my moments with him, my times with him...I want to listen over and over to the songs we listened to...I want to sit here as I do...everynight watching all of my favorite videos that I sent to him...and eh, I guess I'll try not to brutally make comments for the whole world to know that I miss him and that he hurt me....just a bit longer. My parents will come Wednesday and then I know I'll have no choice but to shake this feeling and snap out of it...but for now...I still want to pine over him and miss him...just a little longer.........H, why did you bother when you knew what kind of person I was....you should've left me alone...someone else would've come along eventually to ruin my life...maybe more hurtful...but I'm glad our paths did cross...I just wish I had more time with you...more of you...just more...why did you do this....

Back To Work...

So once again. Monday will be here. No more being home. How I love to be home. I guess its different if I was living in an apartment or something. But I enjoy my home and enjoy working on it and always doing something. So after a week off, a week of pure relaxation and heart break, I guess I'm ready for more drama tomorrow. So I haven't heard from H, which clearly to me, means that I was nothing more than a peice of ass to him. It is quite clear that he never cared for me and I guess its better this way. I learned so much from him. I learned that I want to love someone again. I would like to meet a man who has my back, a man who has an interest in me, a man who can be my best friend, a man who I can enjoy doing things with, a man who is nice, who says nice things, not mean things to me. This is what I want. A man who can make me trust him...enough where its possible to let go and be free...all of the things H had promised to be for me but didn't keep his word with. I do miss him. I did value my connection with him, I did feel so comfortable with him....and I know myself too well...I hate everyone...I'm sure it will be a long time before it happens again for me, but I'm patient...I must remember, Love is patient, love is kind.....So I do wish him the best. I know he won't find a problem finding his round the way girl. Girls like that are a dime a dozen, so I'm sure he enjoyed a great weekend away from me...I just wish he didn't make believe to be someone that he wasn't. I wish he was straight forward from the beginning with what type of man he was and what he was into...I would never have fallen for him...I came so close to sleeping with him, eh, its hard, I think about him all of the time, but my life will soon be hectic again, thank God. I will go back to work this week and my parents will come into town on Wednesday...and usually when that happens, my whole world stops for them...so it would have been hard to work in H as well. And I do have Joe's shower this weekend...then my sisters birthday party, my parents party and then the wedding the last weekend...so I guess everything happens for the best. My family does occupy much of my time when everyone is together. I do tend to wait on everyone...which I enjoy tremendously. I love having a house full...and I enjoy cooking for everyone...and having everyone here...eh, sometimes it becomes a lot, but I know these times will never last forever...there's always bound to be that dreadful day when you receive that unwanted phone call...so I guess its good to live for the moment. I'm not ready to date again or anything...I will be way too busy...I know I'll slip back into my routine life of living my life for my family..but eh, what can I do...its who I am...H was a nice distraction from it all...it was great...I just always knew it wouldn't be for long...I will take things slowly, continue working on myself...and then maybe next month, I'll look to go on a date or something...with someone who wants to be in a relationship..with someone who likes me...with someone who I can have a strong physical attraction to...with someone who is nice.....As my girlfriend says, "He's not the only man on the planet with a penis...and its not hard to find a guy who's nice and who has a penis, I just need to leave the house," so with everyone around me, H bashing, I'm sure it will get easier...I hope....I miss him...the nice him....that doesn't exist anymore....

Eh....

So nothing today, didn't even hear from him, no phone message, no loving email, no apology...nothing...so I sat home all day, what a beautiful day to wash windows, the weather was amazing. I felt like being home, pining...what else is new....eh........ so tonight, I forwarded a message to him which stated that I can't be the person he wants me to be. I truly feel that he doesn't even care. He's probably out getting laid, maybe with 2 girls, i don't know, I don't care. If he cared about me, he would've called me by now or emailed me or something. So I figured, why procrastinate the inevitable. I need a lot of attention, and H is tooooo busy for me, he always says soon, I hate soon...I have such a need to be with him always, its best to just end things now, its better this way. I will save myself from hurt later on. I was just a piece of ass for H, I just know it. And now, he will have more sex time to schedule all of the other women he's dating, so I guess, he must be thrilled. Now, I have to find a new man. I realize now, I want to be with someone. Someone who's very affectionate, where will I find a boob and ass man, as H was? God, he was amazing...just so perfect, so sensual. But now I need to find someone new...I want someone to do stuff with, someone to get me out of the house a H did, when we first met, but I want it to last, and I don't want him to leave...to go to another country as soon as we meet, or get laid and tell me about it...I just want a nice, sweet, thoughtful man...who has a take control in the bedroom attitude....a strong man...where can I meet a man who is stronger than me, I wish sometimes that I wasn't as hard and solid as I am...where I was a bit wimpy..so it wouldn't be so hard to find that strong man....I don't know...I'm going to bed...with H on my mind....it will go away soon, it has to...I wish he didn't say such hurtful things, I miss him.

I Miss Him....

So he called me tonight, I just stared at the phone...no message. He was on the computer, I didn't show myself. He has to know I'm upset about his comment...not a nice thing to say, or should I say, write. Now, he is not like this in person or on the phone...he is the sweetest, most perfect gentleman...ever. So I'm really in shock...I know I'm more free on the computer...maybe he is as well, maybe his hidden thoughts and fantasies easily come out...I don't know...so is this really what he wants...now I know, I hate to do the comparison thing...but I've only known my ex, a total street wise thug...jail, trial, everything...a real hard ass.....but with me, the opposite...if he would dare even have said something like that to me..he knew I would've crumbled...so I can't understand H...he has to know by now, from everything I share, exactly how I am, what type of person I am...I don't know...What I do know....is that I miss him...how I just wanted to answer the phone...but what would I have said, i was still in shock. And why didn't he leave me a message...I just wanted so bad to hear that voice, that makes me melt, drives me insane...but no freakin message. So was he feeling me out...to see if I'm done with him? Am I done with him? Did he really mean what he said? Is he into that? I don't know. I need to think, I must re-evaluate this friendship, relationship, whatever the hell it is.....I need to hear something from me. He knows what he said, because when I asked him if that was what he truly wanted and to let me know now....he signed off and went to bed........another thing I can't stand....I don't think I ever went to bed upset, not knowing where the ex's head was....I don't believe in going to bed upset or not on the same page....the ex was very in control....controlled all situations, but positively...where I didn't go to bed feeling like shit....and mind you, I am not one that you can easily be mad at....If I told H....he could be with me for 14 years, and I can guarantee, he would never have a reason to be upset with me...eh, I can guarantee it.....it would of course, be something on his part, his doing, which would allow me to cop an attitude from the getgo....so I don't know...time will tell me...I have to trust time...I would rather trust H, but I don't know what to think...he has to show me more...he has to make me stop questioning who he is...he has to be more upfront with who he is....why can't he be like me.....just honest...and I was from day one...i always start off saying...eh, this is me...no suprises...what you see is what you get....this is me....and I'm straight forward...I know the biggest thing for me is to leave the house...Now, H is the only person within these last 2 months who just quickly gets me out of the house...since I always want to be with him...even today...my sisters came by...my nieces, my nephews, they HAVE to come to me...then after they left....my girlfriends wanted me to go out to eat...yeah right, they know me too well....I got yelled at...they wanted to know why I wanted to be home alone pining for H...I just felt like it...I did a report for work....cleaned...did laundry...oh and I did go to the store to buy more milk...needed to make my oatmeal, how I love my oatmeal....but they know...they know its different when H gets me out...he just gets me out....something they and my sisters are not capable of doing....and don't get me wrong, they're thankful for him for this.....especially my mom....and now he does this...not fair...now it's over...he is probably with a new woman right now, someone prettier, someone smarter, not someone nicer, maybe someone taller, maybe someone into whatever he's into...whatever...I want only the best for him.....he was my angel...and I miss him...good night H, I don't know...I just really don't know......

Single Again....

Okay, so I've had it...what do you do when you just have run out of patience. I have, with H. He is so different since he's come home, so distant, so distracted. Maybe that skinny fucking Milf is still in his suitcase...whatever, one bump from my bodacious ass, would be enough to send her through the fucking wall... So now, my patience has run thin. Maybe it is me and its bad timing. I have a contract due on Monday, one which my boss wants me to sign that I will continue working for the following year. Now after much thinking yesterday and discussion with my parents, its in my best interest to decline. This means a total change in my ususal daily routine, my life. I hate change, but they are right, its for the best. Now, I'm a worker, I can work anywhere, for anyone, and I know I'm quite meticulous, sharp, detail oriented and organized...beyond the norm, so eh, I'm not worried. I just feel its time for a change...my safety comes first, I don't give a fuck about no one. I won't eat shit from nobody, I don't care who you are. So I have this on my head...and now the man who I thought I loved, wants to know if I would like to watch him bang other women...so this is it, I've had it. If he has no idea of what type of person I am by now, he never will. So its best this way. I am better alone. I don't need man drama in my life. He wants other women, then go...just go already. I won't compete with these young girls that have made a full time career of picking up men and whatever...I am who I am...and if I find someone who can enhance that, who can appreciate me, then fine, if not, then I must cut my losses and not turn back. I mean, this f-ing milf, can't stop thinking about it...you have a kid, yet you make time to bang some man from another country..4 or 5 times..now I'm wondering..hmm, who has the kid? What type of sane woman leaves her kid to get laid, by some ass where there is no future relationship or bond....call me old fashioned, but yuk....a woman like that, I wouldn't even spit on...I don't care.... in life, your kid should come first, not your sexual needs...hell, I'm dying for it...dying for it right now...but you know what, if things aren't right in my head and heart, then uuugh, it ain't happening....so if this is the type of woman my man, my ex man, is drawn to..so be it...go....just go....I want to be alone...I was born alone..I'll live alone..and I'll die alone...I don't care....I really don't. So I know I have a lot on my plate now, even though I have this week off...my parents will be flying in next week, still trying to iron out the details of my sisters 40 birthday party, my parents dinner, and Joe's shower and wedding...and leaving my job for the better....I don't need H's bullshit on top of it...I need a man to put a smile on my face, everyday, the way he used to..what the hell happened...he goes away, doesn't fail to mention that he didn't miss me..didn't even get me my key chain, which shows he wasn't thinking of me..gets laid by some zorcala...and now doesn't have time for me..no sweet midday calls, no sexy emails, nothing...he had sent me the sweetest email cards...one was a hug..the other one was about wanting more of my kisses...yea, I'm sappy...yea, I love all of that...eat it right up.....now, nothing...nothing from him...and uh, I'm one for lots of attention...I need lots and lots of it....he has none to give me...and I won't settle...now, I was with a real mf for many years..he was sooooo the opposite...he was nuts...soo in control...jealous....would never mention other women....never gave me grief like this....and he was respectful and protective....a real fucking not so nice to others but showed me all of the qualities I need from a man...being strong naturally and a real hard ass...I need a man who is mentally stronger than me...and I know that's asking for a lot...but I need someone that much stronger..and I'm no fucking wimp...not one of these whinny wimpy broads...that needs a man....I just need someone stronger...more in control than I am.....so back to being single....I hope he truly finds who he needs in life...I wish him only happiness...and love...I hope he doesn't settle for the wrong girl...I hope he finds someone with the pure heart he showed me he had.....he has a good heart....its useless to me now....he doesn't show it to me....so H, I love you darling...I know I never told you and I won't...but I want someone who's nice, just nice.....all of the time....someone who wont make me compete for attention...i need to be number 1....I'm sure I won't be hard to be replaced....take care...ciao

Wedding Bells...

So I was in Staten Island all night, doing shower envelopes...I do calligraphy....My girlfriend's brother is getting married..my right arm for 20 years...somehow I still see this 14 year old boy in front of me...now getting married? I don't know Joe...it just seems so strange....he is not only getting married next month, he is also becoming a father in just a few months. This is all way too much to take in...timing is everything in life. Now, what a great guy...an awesome kid..I don't know, something just doesn't feel right...I mean, they only have met 3 months now...gets me wondering...now, March will make the same 3 months that I know H....a baby...nonetheless marriage...no way...I don't think I would be able to cope...how does life change so quickly...what am I missing...maybe I'm slow...I don't know...maybe life really is about chances and risks...maybe life is supposed to be shaken up a bit and sometimes we just have to say fuck it and go with the flow...I don't know...is it possible to "just know". Is it true that you just know when you meet that person? Now, I've been out of the loop, out of the game for so long...I was never in the market of dating...never dated around...Having a strong personality and a no tolerance for bullshit attitude...I always knew in a matter of seconds if it would be in my best interest to just walk away from someone...is it really that hard to connect to someone these days? Are we supposed to value everyone we connect with and see it to its final hour...how do we know when its supposed to end....I really don't venture out to meet people..I hate people..all shapes and sizes and colors...so I don't know...I know what I look for in a friend..what I would look for in a man..what I would look for in an aquaintance...the main basic quality being honesty...I hate frigin liars and I detest people who are not straight forward and not straight shooters...but how do you just know? How does one decide if having a child with someone after only 3 months is the thing to do? Call me safe...but my mother always said, A hungry dog will eat raw bones....so with me, I know I'm not hugry for anything or anyone in my life...With H, I want to take things slow...I've always been one for quality, not quantity....meaning that I enjoy our quality moments together...our quality conversations...do we click...I don't know...I really don't know how to tell..am I supposed to nurture him more...am I supposed to see this through to someplace...I just don't know how to tell....now H is out there...he goes out...he's been all over the world...he is quite lived and experienced...he should know before I would if we have a connection...if we click..as friends...lovers...or something...I will follow his lead on this one...as for me....I have only connected with 2 my whole life....doing an evaluation...there was of course...the ex...who had my back....my mentor slash protector throughout my early years...then just recently....a man whom I had mentally connected with..without ever meeting..just a ghost..who left me with so much...so much understanding of life....the first person on my journey back to living in the world...that connection ended..was the time up...how could you tell...how does one know...and now H....the first real man to come along and be so gentle...the man with the hands...the man who has jump started me physically...so is this how it works?...one was the mental...then the physical....then the spiritual comes next? Why can't I have him all in one...a little package deal....I don't know...maybe I need to be like Joe and take a chance...but I have so much to lose....but on the flip side...i would have so much to gain....how do you know...how do you just know....I wish I wasn't so scared of life..I wish I could meet someone who can give me some type of guarantee...someone to sign on the dotted line...make an agreement, contract, or something...I hate having to rely on myself for the answers...I guess I need to be like Joe...I guess I need to live a little...but I don't want to be hungy....not starving for some bone...or boner.....eh, just on my mind.....

Oh My God....

Oh my God, is all I can say...so I saw my lover so briefly last night, first time since he's come home. How I missed him so terribly, he could never know or understand...I need more time from him...the hours feel like mere minutes..I feel so trapped and confined in such a safe, simple place with him, as if no one else exists, as if there is no one crossing a nearby street, driving next to us...its as if the entire world is obsolete, void, and non existent. I see no one around us...not a soul...its so weird...it's as if I'm entirely in a different world with him...with not a sound from around...I don't know...is this a good thing or a bad thing....time will tell me...I'm so afraid of the answer. I feel to attached to him and I know he is not for keeps, I know he wants to be elsewhere, with other women....I can't be selfish...I have to let him go...I have to cut him loose..this is way too much for me...I don't want to lose him...but I know I can't keep him...I'm torn...he told me that I should date other men...how could I find in another man..HIM....
I don't think someone could ever make me feel the way I feel with him...so consumed, so filled...so taken. This is far more than what I was looking for...I really meant to go on a date this summer...this summer was supposed to be my big date summer...after struggling so hard to come out of a bad place for years, I was feeling lonely...terribly lonely..but not strong or confident enough to feel that someone could like me or see beauty in me...from feeling ugly and grossed out from the outside in...is a very deep feeling...a very hard thing to explain...it's just how you feel...so I finally felt ready to take my baby steps...this is too big of a step for me...I don't even know if he likes me..I need so much more..he could never understand...maybe I need to date...but I really don't want to...I really don't like people...but I like him...I like him too much..and I know I'm not supposed to...what do I do....what can I do....tell him..H, I've been sitting here all day...in total bliss...with a huge smile on my face...like an ass...like some soft chick who needs a man to define her...this is so not me...how have I become so soft...how can I allow him to have me day dreaming like this...how dare he...do I run...should I run...is it best before things become deeper...but there is so much I want to do with him...how would I know if he feels the same...why can't he be as open and as honest as I am...well I'm not entirely honest with him...there are 2 things that I've kept from him...my big secret....that I love him and every time I'm with him.....I fall so much more in love with him....He would kill me and I know he would be upset with me, because we're supposed to have a freakin understanding...I don't like understanding...I think I need to bolt...I think I need to leave....I think I have to stop this now...God H, I detest you for being everything i ever dreamed of meeting in my life....I hate you for this....why must you be so perfect...why are you opening up things that I've bolted and put away so deep inside of myself to never resurface....why are you doing this to me....please leave me...I 'm better off by myself....you're better off with a milf for everyday of the week...I want your happiness first....I'm better off in my own peaceful and safe world....Darling...I hate you.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day....

So I sent my lover, which I thought was a sexy Valentine...a sexy Valentine...only to realize he hates Valentine's Day, or should I say, not into it...uuuugggghhh....now I am nothing more than completely superficial and materialistic and I do not have a problem admitting it, I don't think it's a bad thing...so my lover..how he drives me nuts...whether he is being sweet as pie...or being completely indifferent, either which way...he has me nuts...so he tells me he's not into it..now I think he is quite romantic, extremely thoughtful and have I mentioned sexy....so I was quite understanding...I don't feel someone should show you love and attention ummm, just on one day...I would rather be shown all of the time, everyday, everynight, every moment....his phone calls, emails and presence mean more to me on a daily basis than the one day that was quite brutal outside..a complete mess...so my lover was way too sweet to me tonight...he kinda made it sound as if he wanted to knock me up...which came out completely wrong, but the shock on my face was enough for me to think about it...Now, he is just sooo sexy...but there is just something that I can't quite put my finger on that makes me a tad bit, not a lot, uneasy...maybe its because I've been away from him for so long...and I've allowed my thoughts to wander...I don't know, but time will tell me.....I trust time....now I am trying to be patient...I am off next week and I do wish to venture out a bit...there are things I need to do work wise and there are things home I need to do as well...so I just hope our paths cross, because he just seems so far from me right now and I am craving so badly some H quality time of just being with him....I need to know if he feels the same or if his mind is still occupied with some woman who has many years over me....I don't know....H, I miss you darling....please don't leave my life yet...the stay has to be longer....

Ugghh, I can't....

What a horrible, horrible Tuesday. So this psycho actually showed up..late of course..for work...how everyone whispered all around..she looked like the biggest dirt bag on the planet...are you kidding me...talk about rolling out of bed...I mean, you're pale, bony and gross to begin with..which means you need to wake the fuck up early and put some makeup on...go to the mall, they'll teach you everything..so this douchebag...balls..asked me a question today..now she knows to stay the fuck away from me...she's been warned...there was no reason for me to have this greaseball in front of me, asking me something....me in my black thick turtle neck, grey slacks, high heels of course and my big Grey Benetton fur coat.....yeah, I know I'm a fuck....now, without even raising my eyes to her, i answered..u know what, fuck you..thats right, you don't deserve my eye contact..i will treat you like the slime that you are...with that, I freaked, went straight to the boss and lost it...I told her this is it...I will walk out...keep that flaky bimbo far the fuck away from me....she was shocked, shocked that she came near me and asked me a question...that fucking nerdy mouse of a pathetic woman...I lost it today...i am so cool..but when things bother me..watch out...stay off my path...so I told the boss...I was frightened...all nerves so far this week...I have the worst knot in my stomach, pulling up to that building...knowing someone is watching me..I am just too nervous...I have a horrible feeling..something has me so uneasy...I can't explain it.....and now, on top of it...2 days, this broad is out sick...and I must be subjected to a question from her....no not now..not ever..bad timing...so I freaked pretty bad....I feel bad now..well, not really..but my nerves are shot...I am too nice...but having a very strong personality...I'm sorry, go kill yourself, just stay the fuck away from me...On top of this..my girlfriend was having her reports read...guess what..totally clean...no cancer...nothing...her breasts are fine...Thank God...Bets...how I love you...how I value you in my life...you're my girl......I was on edge for you today...how I would be broken if those reports were positive....I never want anything to happen to you...u my nigga, I love you so much Bets........so the highlight of my day....aaaahhh..my lover...how sweet he is...to get that call from him, makes me melt...oh how I speak to him and it all goes away..so tonight..he was quite attentive.....someone's opening up...and me...well I'm always open and honest...so I told him honestly just how muchhhhhhhh he does it for me...so my evening was well...thanks H..mmwwwaa....you just do it for me darling...its like you just knew I needed you today.....so I am going to bed early...hope the snow melts....and I hope my nerves don't get the better of me.....I hate being this way.....I really do....

Do I run again now?

Ugh, what a week I'm already having..and its only freakin Monday...so this ass, crazy psych from work was once again, out sick...Friday and now today..what a freakin loser..means more work for me...but eh, I'm a worker, fully competent...nothing phases me...how everyone talks about her...my partner is so disgusted...my boss..even more disgusted...but I kept to my favorite line..saying once again..."Let me just keep my mouth shut", truth is, I really don't give a fuck about people and their hang ups or delinquent attitude or performance...I really only care about myself and doing what I have to do...other than that..my other favorite line.."Don't mistaken me for someone who cares, you just may be disappointed." So I parked in the gay parking lot...thank God it wasnt that cold..but how I detest lugging my stuff ..my boss is worried about me...I hate that..you know when you try not to feed something energy and you really don't want to think about it...and then someone has to sit you down and bring it fucking up...my boss says I'm being watched...that someone is watching me...she feels uneasy..which eh...makes me feel uneasy...now growing up sheltered, exposed to only one man my whole life...the all girls Catholic School...yea, its great being in a bubble...but when reality hits..it becomes the hardest thing to deal with..which is why..eh I've chosen to just refrain from life....it makes me feel better....so big deal, I was lonely before meeting H, but I think I could've dealt with it if he had never come along...and truth remains..how much do I know about him..how does one dissect his truth from his lies....are there lies...are there truths...now I'm very straight forward..too straight forward..too honest..too blunt...but how can I tell..........he really has my nuts twisted tonight...tonight we chatted...not on the phone, but via freakin im....which is kinda strange..because through the computer...I know, I personally tend to be free...I tell this man so many things that I would never have the balls to tell him in person...you know, that stuff that you feel real deep down inside that you know would never dare come out of your mouth..so question...is it the same for him...so tonight he tells me that he slept with a woman a few times while away...the one thing I feared...now you're home 2 freakin days H, did u have to lay this on me..are you trying to turn me off darling...now I missed this man terribly..but he's home freakin 2 days and he is driving me nuts already...how much damage is a person capable of doing in just 2 days...I think it was better when he was away...I think its best for him to just go away again..hell, I'll even pack for him.....so I am torn...why is he telling me first of all...we are not committed to each other..there was no reason for me to have all of this additional information..now he also included her age..which is 26...now I USED to be 26, which I am no longer...so how the hell am I supposed to feel, being older than 26..that the man I am nuts for is telling me that he banged 4 to 5 times a 26 yr.old milf...a mom..with a 4 year old...yuk...are you trying to make sure you don't lay me...are you trying to turn me off....because he's doin a great fucking job.....so now I haven't had actual sex with him as I am not one..remember I only think of germs...to just do that with anyone..as awesome as I feel with him...and how I want him so bad....I know I have to wait and learn more about him..will he freakin leave me after 4 to 5 times...I would be devastated...so these are the things I know about myself..what I am trying to do..is figure out where his head is...does this guy freakin like me??? I don't know..I don't even know...now for the last month..yea..he calls me all of the time...if I called him twice, I called him twice...I love the fact that he is sooo good with the phone...love the fact that he bought me flowers, takes me out...was in bed with me all night..drives an hour each way and every time to see me...bought me an amazing Mohammad Rafi CD Collection that I simply adore...the way he buys me gummy bears at the movies...he is just too perfect..now he tells me this...and I cringe...I played it cool because I freakin have to..because he's not my husband or my own person possession..so I have to be cool.....being cool sucks....I wanted to curse him out sooo bad...you mf what the hell are u tellin me this for, take a hike, its over don't ever even think of touching me EVER...but I was cool, I smiled a lot as I was typing to him because it was either do that or curse him out...now while he was away..and I was freaking that he would meet a woman that he would fall in love with.... I just kept telling my girlfriends..that he has to come home to me because I am so not done with him...there is so much more that I want from him...so wtf...why tell me about this freakin woman...I do see him differently now in my mind..I have created such a perfect image of him in my mind...one which reflects that he's not going to hurt me....that I can trust him..that he's going to get me out of this funk I'm in for far too long...but is this just my wishful thinking...just my dream to be swept away by that strong man that makes everything go away..the man that you can just submit to..and let go..and know that he has your back??? How will I know...H, I want to choke you...but at the same time..I need to see you so bad....oh and should I worry if he's with someone on Valentine's Day..he has not even mentioned a word...I am so broken hearted...I don't know..my gut is telling me to wait and see him face to face...but I just don't know...if and when I would've seen him for the first time..and as much as I thought about him being with a woman over there...do you know...I wouldn't have even asked him...because iI wouldn't want the image to be distorted..and also because I just don't fucking want to or need to know..it would be more than enough for me that he came back to me...and was with me...what the hell would I care about what he did while freakin away.....I just don't want the image of him ruined...I don't know...I am so not into this guy stuff..this bullshit...my ex never put me through this...his attitude was once its in me...its not going in anyone else...which is the way it should be..Thank God I didnt sleep with him before he left...I would be devastated right now...so what do I know about him.......do I need this aggravation with all of the other bullshit in my life..if I will be with a man..he's gotta have my back and not torture me this way...where does a man like this exist..does he exist...Uugh

Confused once again....

So my most desirable lover is home...my most desirable lover does not seem to desire me...i just don't understand him...so I really feel the need for some love and attention...so I tried to explain that I feel as if I deserve about 70 hours in bed...however, I don't know, could it be jet lag....but H informs me that I can't handle it...and therefore I should settle for a movie instead...now...what am I missing...well, I know what I'm missing...but after hearing his loving voice so early in the morning..and mind you, he knows I'm not one to rise a minute before noon on the weekends...and speaking to him tonight until he fell asleep...I just can't figure him out...I feel as if I'm ready to explode...maybe he got laid in India or Pakistan or both..maybe he is fine...fully laid out..exhausted and suffering from jet lag...so now after being so patient...I guess I have to ummm still be patient...I want to choke him...its one a.m. and I am still processing this whole conversation from so many hours ago...did he not miss me...is he not dying for our clothes to be off in mere minutes..to be in bed with me...is he playing hard to get...or just not interested...I don't know..I guess time will tell...have to be patient...have to get to bed....work tomorrow...which sucks..just so not in the mood...which is not like me at all...so my boss called me tonight...what a sweetheart...so I am quite spoiled...in the sense that I refuse to park far from my job...yes, I must be right out the door...especially with this cold weather..who wants to park far away...yuk...so on Friday...would you believe...I went out for lunch and as I'm getting closer to my car...which is not far at all...I notice something on the windshield..now I knew it wasn't a ticket or anything like that...so I grabbed it off the windshield and got in...I started to read it... some man saw me getting out of my truck and entering the building, so he wrote...said I looked so sweet and bundled, said I made him feel warm inside and all over and some other NOT nice things....so umm yea...I freaked out..freaked out real bad...was now looking around..sort of feeling eyes on me from somewhere...in the note, he swore he was not a psycho and would like to meet with me...so yea...I freaked out...real bad...called my lawyer friend who was in Atlantic City...my right arm...who knows I can't deal...I can't deal with this...I had an instant stomache ache..as my first feeling was to just throw up...why the fuck must I always not feel safe..why the fuck do I have to deal with this...balls...someone has some set of balls to do this...how could you do that to someone.....what gives someone the right to write such a thing and leave it on your car..how could u approach someones car...how could you.....so my girlfriend calmed me down...have I been found...no it can't be...I am now on the other side of town...far away from my attacker...why now...how could someone do this...I am so clueless..I get out of the truck, with my coffee, my bag, my pocketbook, like clock work...every morning...park in the same spot...and I just get out...never to scope out..i'm mere feet away from the entrance...so I showed the note to my 2 bosses...who both are fully aware of my past experience..and my most recent experience with the psycho nerdy loser from work...so they understood my fear..I was sick..held my stomache....they read the note...I must now park elsewhere..I have to go through this..are you kidding me...I must be subjected to parking around the other entrance..walking with all of my stuff because some jerk, some man whom I hate so much right now..had to take it upon himself to frighten me like this...I hate men..I really do..not H though....so I will do it...I just hate changing my routine...my nice simple ways...but deep down I'm frightened...have I been found...God, I hope to god not...I will leave...I will have to,,,I could never go through that again....that would be it for me..just put me in my coffin....so now...I don't want to go to school...I don't even want to go to bed right now...going to bed means....work in the morning...so my boss was pleasant...checking up on me, she knows how sick I get over this...which is why I refuse to leave the house....when I went to AC, still had the note in my jacket..showed it to a few lawyers and my girlfriend...I know them all well and they had been quite helpful with my last ordeal...so they said to be careful...park elsewhere...and keep my eyes open...said a person who says, dont worry, i'm not a psycho or anything.....usually is...My boss told me I needed to just inform my dad...the worst thing in the world for me to do...We are both close and I know how he freaked...how he couldn't handle what had happened to me in the past...but I did it...called him..he knew in my voice I was uneasy...and I told him...he said to be careful and not have anything in the truck with my address or anything...that this man may break my car to find me...and he doesn't think it was the other man...the one never found...so I felt okay hearing that from him....so I want to stay home..home is safe...in H's arms...completely safe...from everyone and everything....I didn't tell him, H, my lover who doesn't desire me... and I don't think I will...but for now...I just hope and pray I haven't been found....this can't happen...I hate people...I really fucking do....no...u don't understand...I really do....

He's Baaaack...

So I heard from my lover at nine o'clock in the morning...now mind you, I usually pick up the phone and then hang it up...not one for morning calls..yuk...but nothing could be sweeter than hearing the voice of the man you're so drawn to on the other end...being woken up by the sound of such a sexy voice...so he landed and is safe...did he get married...no...did he get laid...remains to be known...do i care...no...just as long as its not over for us..as long as I know that he's home and that sexy body will soon be lying next to me is all I need to know...The trance that voice puts me in...aaah....I can't...I can't wait to see him...can't wait to feel him...can't wait to be with him...would have been nice to see him now...I'm sure I would be able to help him with his jet lag...poor thing...but unfortunately..my brother in law dropped my nephews off since eleven thiry and now..quarter to five....they have all left...ugh...How I've waited so patiently for him...how I am still so in awe of him...how I so desperately want him..in the worst ways imagined....i guess it must be true about absence making the heart grow fonder...H, darling..thank you for coming home...not married...thank you for waking me up this morning..leaving me breathless once again...thank you for realizing and knowing just how much I needed it and for validating that I missed you the way that I have...I need to see you darling...its been toooo long...

Atlantic City....

So my girlfriend had to be in Atlantic City, a tiny convention for lawyers and judges..boring...so she invited me to come Friday night until Saturday...Now mind you, I am not one to be out on a Friday night..there is just something about Friday nights,,I don't know...I'm always tired from the whole week...so anyway...got in touch with my other girlfriend...who just happens to be having "man" problems...she wanted to go...so now I had 2 people pushing me to break out of what has become such a pattern, such a ritual...the much needed Friday night home. Now, yes I did spend Friday night with my lover..how he totally bitched me out about my need to be home on a Friday night. This hunk of a man was so bent on changing this..this morbid habit..my dull, lifeless routines...so anyway..guess what, I went....how I thought about him...thought about his desire to change my set and boring routines...so I said..eh, fuck it...I'm going to do it...to do it for him...with one condition attached of course...my girlfriend drove there and back...now, she's a driver, not I...I am more of umm, a passenger...hate driving...do it because I have to...not a minute more than I have to...so I let her have my car...and Friday, right after work, we set out...I really don't care to gamble...I was just so proud of myself for being out...Tortured my 2 girlfriends..as I went on and on about the man I miss soooo much...They wanted to kill me...but I know they see changes in me...and they also know he's the reason why...now this man...wants me to drink...and I'm not one to drink...nothing phases me in the least...I had 2, yes 2 drinks...in the bar in the hotel...now I'm not a bar chick...my other girlfriend..the lawyer..was completely miserable over this guy..a total jerky bastard moron...I mean horrible, crying, carrying on...the whole nine yards...Now, I miss my man terribly...very uneasy...horribly uneasy...paranoid....thinking he's there getting married to a nice Muslim girl...but I'm okay...I don't know what it is...not crying...not nuts...just cool and patient...so could she drink.....yep, we were drinking..talking about our men...went to bed at 4...up at 9 and then left....I am so proud of myself...so thrilled that the thought of this man who came into my life like a storm...has me making decisions based upon everything he thinks I shoud be doing...I wanted to call him at like 3am...just to tell him...but I figured..eh, I had liquor in me, which probably would've made me say too much....so just a little bit longer...God, how I miss him....I deserve 100 hours in bed with him for dealing with this horrendous ordeal, this freakin trip from hell...not fair...so not cool...hate trips....come home soon darling..I miss you....

Love or Lust or Lonely.....

Okay, so this frigin trip is soon to be over...I can't frigin wait...a few more days and then I will know...I will know if he has any feeling or memory of me...I still can't believe he's gone, so far from me...after having such an amazing month, such a short amount of time together...I'm sitting here, frightened to death, but trying to analyze my feelings that I have. So its safe to say that I adore him. I enjoy spending time with him...he doesn't bother me, as so many people do. My best friend in the whole world, eh, I love her to death, but I just can't spend more than a few hours with her...I start to get crazy...need to breathe. With H, its the opposite, I feel as if I need more time, more hours, unending time...so maybe this is a good thing. I enjoy being with him, doing stuff together, doing nothing together, walking with him, driving with him, watching movies with him, eating with him, everything...so we did have about 6 dates..did I move too fast? He did claim he was frightened of me...frightenened that I had been without a man in my life for sooo long. Maybe I did rush things a bit, but I was also afraid of his leaving town, this frigin trip from hell....I know I am so sexually attracted to him...I think he is incredibly hot and sexy...I love his take control attitude..his need to be the boss attitude...I just love it...I love his gentle tone the most...love his gentleness...now, being with a bad ass for many years..the ex always said, the harder the man, the softer the woman...meaning, i guess...all the bad boys always get the good girls. He was such a fuck to so many people, such a bad ass, but to me, always had that soft, gentleness that I needed, always had that gentle way that I grew so used to....so now H has that same way...that calm, I'm in no rush attitude..that sweet, gentle way...so these are the things I love so much about him...now lust...okay maybe I was wicked with him, had way too much bottled for way too long....and that last night of being with him...God, it just felt so good to let go...to be so free with someone who you desire and like...I actually like him.....never "liked the ex"...so to say that I like him, eh, its big for me...So now, I can be out getting laid, being felt up by any man...I think its quite easy for a woman to go somewhere and then go home with a man...this is someting I have never...nor would ever do...but I know its something that can happen very easily...hell, I wouldn't even have to leave the house, I can even find someone on the computer...with me, there is a problem...I can't kiss someone unless I care about them...may sound strange...never could understand how people just swap spit...maybe it has something to do with my obsessive cleaning disorder..germs........I don't know...but uh, I can't do it...So when H and I kissed...it was after date 3...and I was dying for it...last time was with the ex....after spending so many hours with him...I knew I wanted to be kissed by him...now I know myself...too well...I could probably have 3 dates with someone and not feel anything for them...I would probably pray that he doesn't kiss me or touch me or put his arm around me during a movie...but with H, I don't know..it just seemed so natural, so right...the night that we spent together....a first for me...was so weird, the weirdest thing....it felt so right...so comfortable..I swear...it felt as if I had been with this man before...I felt as if I had been sleeping next to him for many years...I don't know...am I lonely...am I in major lust for him...or am I in love with him....am I confused because he is out of sight...but certainly not out of mind...I don't know...God, can you freakin come home already....I can't take it much longer...I deserve like a million dollars or some type of amazing award for being put through this ordeal...ugh, H.....I'm having such a bad moment right now....and I can't even talk to you about it...because your probably still freakin sleeping on the other side of the world...can you wake the fuck up....I really need to talk to you...you don't even have to answer darling...just let me vent....I miss you so much....

Loving The Unavailable....

Okay..so I'm missing him....terribly...I don't even know what to do....there is a part of me that just wants to give him up again...I feel that we are not going to end up anywhere significant in life..he has other objectives, other goals, other dreams, other desires. Do I quit while I'm ahead, before things become harder and get deeper, oh how I love that word,.... deeper...I don't know how he feels, I have no clue...Who the hell meets someone and then after a month, the person leaves town, this is cruel and not nice...I have no freakin luck, which is why its best for me to remain detached from others, especially men. There is something that is just too familiar about him..something so comfortable...I don't know, and then there is this other side, where I just can't put my finger on it...but something I'm feeling about him still being in love with the ex...I don't know..maybe I'm just insecure..duh..I know I am...but I just feel he is sometimes sooo distracted...I don't know, maybe my mind is just too analytical...that would be the Math and numbers passion inside of me...He is unavailable..unavailable to me..I require far too much attention and I don't think he can handle me...I need a man who can handle me...everything about me...maybe I just need to sit tight and wait for him to come home. Then, there is this part of me, a big part of me...that just wants to be in bed with him the minute he lands...for the next 100 hours...I don't know...can he handle this...can he understand that after a month with him in my life...my outlook is so different, so changed...I have a pulse, there are things I'm dreaming of again...a daughter...with long hair like mine...that I can curl at the bottom...someone to inherit my wonderful genes...someone to walk this earth in perfect bitch mode...however, remaining nice to all...I can produce that....what the hell has come over me...am I nuts...where is this coming from, I need to speak to my mother this weekend...for a good few hours...why I am, all of a sudden thinking this way....was it that suppressed...was it always there..did I need for him to open me up like this...get me thinking when I've had no thoughts...Maybe its early menopause. I can't have a child at my age...the big four o is too close...but it would be nice to have someone to take shopping, someone who could have a strong appreciation for dresses, and shoes and pocketbooks...He is unavailable to me...unavailable for me...I have to stop this...I need a man who can give me what I now desire..a man who can understand me..a man who gives me every second of his attention...a man in the same country...a man without feelings for his ex..an honest man...a man who wants me..a man who wants to settle with me....a man who can give me Kajol.....