It's been such a long time..

And I hate to not write...but truthfully, this is how busy I've been in this past month, over a month. So where shall I begin...to date, things are ok, just okay...not great, not superb, excellent or mind blowing, just ok. For starters, work is just ok...people at work...suck...eh, my favorite saying, "You're only as strong as your weakest link"..therefore---being a big fat fish, NOT LITERALLY, in a huge pond with timy little goldfish--eh, its not cool...I like to swim with the big fish, NEED to swim with them or umm, I just may get bored and start to swallow up whole, the tiny ones...chomp, chomp, chomp, now what were you saying??....the ship needs to be cleaned---and what can I say, I'm always willing to help. So this is work, watching and listening, taking it all in..waiting for the boss to clean up...please hurry--it
My love life---SUCKS--yes, my man is away..away from me for too long...not in touch with me either---which is not a good thing. Now what the hell is so great about Michigan? I don't know, don't want to know...being the self centered, self absorbed person that I am, at least I can admit it, I just want him, want him here, with me...or at least talking to me as he used to...on a daily basis, how does he expect me to sleep without a goodnight from him? Does he not realize by now---almost 10 months later, that I require lots and lots of attention? So as of now, I am very frustrated, frustrated with being ignored, not loved, not cared for, not nothing...so I feel that my H wants other women..and without his realizing, without any concept or concern, he does not realize the toll it takes on me...I become irritable, depressed, give lots and lots of homework, very snappy to all around me, not mu usual happy self when things are good between us...my smile will last for days...but now...in what feels like a cold shouldered winter, he doesn't realize the loneliness that I feel, the insecurity that consumes me, the uneasiness...of knowing that the man I crossed paths with, the one that I came so quickly to adore, the one that I couldn't believe could watch the movies that I love so much, the movies that no one ever wants to watch with me, the one who is kind, gentle, patient with me, the one who makes me laugh, the one who tried to sing to me, because he knew it was what I would love most, the one who filled me with so much happiness at one time---why has this come to this---the only thing I can say, the only thing that makes sense to me---is when the heart is willing, it tries 1000 ways, when its not, it tries 0 ways...now you may wonder why I'm not the one trying---the answer--he knows how I feel, knows that I want more---more of everything with him, more of going out, more talking, more everything--it is he who has pulled away--it is he who is in search of finding what he found in me--in someone else---maybe someone prettier, thinner, lighter...i don't know...all I do know is that it hurts, hurts to know that this is what he's going through...dragging me through this..hurting me with this...but yet he continues to do so---here is the question I can't answer---the question that I ponder---if that's what he wants...then leave me---just cut me lose---so maybe someone can come along and love me the way that I need someone to love me---someone that I can give MY love to, someone that wants my love, as its clear that H doesn't want it---just leave me...turn and walk away from me--never to look back on me a few months later, a few years later, when he realizes that no one could love him the way that I did, adore him the way that I did...don't look back for me if you don't appreciate me now---and if you don't appreciate me now, then I know he never will---the part that hurts....