Almost All Over

So I am counting down the days, counting down the weeks--to be exact, 14, yup, just 14 more days, 8 full, 6, done by 12 days until its all over. I can't wait. Love my 2 months off all to myself--I am a different person, so different--I can't explain. I just feel as if I just don't care about anthing or anyone---not in a bad sense though--Its just that it's all about me. I plan on leaving town once again, all set. Tickets are done--and I look forward to having a nice 4th of July elsewhere. I'm excited, there is nothing and no one to hold me back...Now if we rewind--and I know its bad to unwind--but what a wicked summer I had last year. The move from hell. I give people who move lots of credit. Moving sucks. I don't know how these apartment people do it. I could never--jump from one place to another---I need stability, need to be put, remain put. The only thing I can remember, is that I had my H with me...I think I may need a new letter, as that letter can only identify but one...Maybe i am thick headed, maybe I don't know a good thing when it comes along, maybe I still need time...maybe I shouldn't sit and think about someone who moved to another friggin state...someone who obviously thought I was nothing important enough to move so far away from, maybe pining is wrong and I should be sentenced to death for it. All I do know is that i am leaving, I do not wish to have someone in my life at this very moment. I have another agenda, other things on my agenda and I just can't fit someone in who I know I am not true to...It's not fair to the other person--nor to myself. Friends, I like. Friends, it works. I am a good friend, a person who is slow, I do not move fast with people--whether male friends or female--I am slow... need to be slow---so maybe I'm wrong, but you know what, my life is great, 2 months where I can turn my brain off and be nice and dumb--2 months, not to be sucked up or ruined by someone that I just can't give myself to. I do not believe in using people for my own selfish reasons...but rather, I need to go slow, be slow....and if those that are willing to go at my turtle pace are accepting of me and my issues, then I shall keep them--if there is compassion---and trust---and respect for one's space--then I will always remain thankful in my heart...and loyal to the man who can just accept me for me and not for whom he would like me to be...I would love my guy to get into real estate and building with me---to never look at another woman--to not spend every dime on me--but save it all for me--in our old age-yet be thoughtful---to never get mad---to only drive high end cars, make and model---to have a certain level of living and great family life--to cater to my every need--to call me about 5 times a day, everyday---so we may all have a great image of our ideal mate---but to expect him to fit into this mold in no time is something I would never dream of doing---I think I would stick by him if I knew he wanted to get there and needed my patience---so therefore..I would expect the same in return....i need the time...i am slow...i need patience above all, someone who has the patience for me...

It's 5 am

It's 5am and I am up, when I should be sleeping, beauty sleep is important to me. I think we all know what happens if I dont take my daily nap---deciding to blog--nothing else---not even peeking on another website. This tells me I'm ok, okay with myself, by myself-I have a level of comfort here which I don't want to give up just yet. So my niece slept over, she is still sleeping. I know, I know...what a great aunt I am--blew her hair out--ugh and I thought my hair was long--she is 12 going on 25, a good kid---smart, good looking, I swear she gets it from me, respectful.

Strolls in with her coach bag, coach wallet, cell phone, and north face sleepover bag. But what is wrong with her? Where did she come from---ugh, tiny image of my sister--So innocent. I hope she stays that way. I hope she grows up smart. I hope she doesn't realize boys exist until she's about 30. I worry, what if someone takes advantage of her kindness, now being a realist, there are evil men out there--I came face to face with the worst kind---but not even going there--I swear, ---but even these relationship guys--or boyfriends--my god, do they even exist today?

Do guys even make themselves your guy? Does he commit to being your man, your guy? I am starting to believe no---now, I haven't dated in so friggin long--but when I did, as I was a knock out in my younger years--I spent so many yrs with a guy that gave me his jacket--It was known--he was my guy--that seat in the Benz was mine--the one time, oh his poor cousin--when she decided to bum a ride from him, and word spread like wild fire, he was seen with another girl in the car---and it wasn't me---do those times exist? are those guys out there?
If they are not, I wouldn't even bother, why waste my time? I don't need the hurt nor aggravation that comes with it. These are the things I'm learning. Where are all of the cowboys?

So I've been talkin to this guy a few weeks now--he is a surgeon. He is great and all, but I don't know, why did I dodge him since yesterday--we speak everyday--but now--I dont know, I'm just in a safe.comfortable place--the summer is booked, I'm all booked, ready to go---leaving town for a good few weeks, why bother to start something now? Eh, I'm so lazy in this department--I think its only here, only in ny, where these men don't give the jackets anymore--I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but no jacket, no coochie-coochie---I'm no idiot--
So I'm thinking--going away---being far from all of this---maybe I shall date away--experience someone who does not have this ny state of mind--this 'I need variety' deal--its not for me, I refuse to indulge in something that can lessen or weaken me as a woman, cheapen all that I am--or make me feel differently about myself--so I look forward to renting my hummer--and relaxing--or maybe I can be a bit daring--and go for a convertible--but then, ugh my hair--maybe I'll just use my parents Infiniti's--and lay low--the two of them make me nuts--matching cars--matching outfits--I kid you not--such giving people---so back to my niece--hurry up and wake up--lets go for breakfast--before you get big--you better stay smart--keep away from the boys--or I swear, as your aunt who can kick some ass--I will wish karma so strongly on all men--karma--in the worst way---may whatever any man do that is not righteous--come back, not to haunt him...but may his children feel the pain he gave to others--that will be my harshly, venomous revenge--karma---i will wish it so harshly--that any man would question and think twice about how he treats anyone, especially the females---ugh, just stay 12---and innocent--its a cruel place out there--

Giving Back..

So I had a really nice talk with the boss today, my boss rules--she is a really classy lady--so when you come across it--you admire it--as to stumble across a woman who has class these days, eh, its a very rare find--everything she does, is done with class--we have a great relationship, which I truly value--so in our hanging out today--we were talking about giving back--about people who give back to society--where the money goes--and we agreed that so many of us, tend to finish school, get into great jobs, careers--and feel the need to give back--but who do we give back to--well, we agreed that so much money pours into ones high school, and even college--it is the first school, the primary grades that get nothing--nada--not a penny--so we discussed this--This upsets me--nope, it really does--and my reasons---well, I see what we do all day---I know the tears I dry, the encouragement I give--the papers I rip up if you didn't head it correctly--the passion for math that I create--the papers I give back if we're still printing in the upper grades--as I stress the importance of being able to write quickly during those college years--ugh, NYU--lectures--yup that script was fast--and then I reminisced about the really younger grades--to read right to left--to write in your notebook, right to left..and NOT before the faint red line---yup, someone taught you that--how to read, how to hold the friggin pencil--how to deal with death, the first time it hit you, whether it was a family member or that pet--we all made the time to comfort you--taught you that sometimes we have to fail in order to succeed--so with that--I stated my reason---reason for the conversation--I would like, for every graduating class from this point on--to start--on my own--an immigrant scholarship==where 4 will be chosen--students who are immigrants or parents of immigrants--shall receive five hundred dollars---with a brief speech about immigration--and the difficulties that exist---now many of mine are continuing on in rather expensive, elite schools, easily 10 G's per year--I feel this will assist with maybe even books, supplies--or something--but what I am aiming to create---is the sense of giving---giving back to the place that is most forgotten--and hoping to create a domino effect here---where maybe, just maybe--as they go off--off to high school--then college--and hopefully rewarding careers--that they will maybe do the same, maybe remember being the recepient of such an award--or remember that it was US who led them to where they are today--especially if the passion lies in Math--that was me--telling you to never give up--telling you of the fortune five hundred companies--the financial district--the world out there, waiting for you---never fails--after 16 yrs--the first question of the first day always remains the same--who loves math--and i see all of the faces--the look of disgust on almost everyone's face--and then my promise--that after 3 yrs with me--you will love it--just love it---and as fate has it--after those 3 long hard years of their determination---it becomes the favorite--the favorite subject---so as this year comes to a close--i still have to wonder--who gives---and to whom--

Month of May

There is something about May that I've always loved--the change of weather--school is almost over--the flowers--the colors---I just love May---the month of Mary--I can still remember from my youth--Oh Mary, we crown thee with blossoms today, Queen of the angels, Queen of the May--how's that for memory--or the nuns that just about beat into your brain---
May is refreshing---for me--it will mark the point of a new beginning--nope, I'm serious--a new and improved me---finally being bold--to take control of the things that I want in this life---I do not need someone to complete me--it would've been nice to meet someone for company sake--someone cool enough to come over, watch a movie, cook together, listen to music, hang out at the park--yup--I just love the park---but we all have seen what has happened in this last year--I swear its easier to ask for a million dollars---I do not have the time nor patience to deal with these men, who have their heads up their ass--nope, I'd rather be alone--so being bold--I'm going to go back to this place where it was just me---not looking--and then somehow finding---I'm going to trust fate--not looking--not making any effort---having that what will be, will be attitude---so I've cleaned out the closets--now cleaning out my life a bit more--removal of clutter that serves zero purpose--not having my time wasted on trivial matters, trivial people--nothing---the goal is to get up the nerve to go into the city by myself and walk around--on the train--if i can do this--I can do anything---am I ready--yes--and maybe, just maybe--I might meet someone the old fashioned way--where the physical exists first---it worked once before--maybe its time to give it another chance--no more computer dates--I am convinced--there is something too superficial, too unknown about it--its not for me---so wish me luck--and pray I reach my goal--cant stand being so trapped anymore..
I swear alka made this song just for me--I watch it so much-the place-its so familiar--its the place I want to go to--the place he will know--part 2 of my goal...one step at a time---

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42K126nOSn4