Healing

So part of being let down, disappointed...once again.....comes the healing. Healing is good, its not a bad thing, I firmly believe that time heals all wounds, but why must it be almost 2 yrs of the same wound? This is where I don't understand the whole time thing--why do some people fade and some we just can't erase from memory or from the heart? Is it being stubborn or is it fate....this I don't know---Erasing is hard, so as of last nite---I did what H finds so easy to do---I DELETED him, its the closest I can get to erasing....Yup, on the way I hope to a speedy recovery, I've deleted him--the way he went home after being with me and just deleted me....what is a friend, he claims I'm his friend, yet doesn't treat me like one---Do normal people delete their friends, do normal people insult their friends, do normal people lie about their sign? So feeling hurt, disappointed, confused once again....I've decided to once again lick my wounds and move on. Today, I spent the day with my friend R.....R is cool....R is on my side....R offers comfort, listens to my complaining....R despises what H does to me...He is a pal--a real girlfriend, when you need that talk-----that talk that leaves you questioning....are you more miserable with the other person in your life-----or without----without, I'm upset....with, I am the happiest ever....but what can you do when the one you want wants the complete opposite of the person that you are?????....You realize its not going to happen...remain unselfish and let go---so the other one can find their happiness...find what he desires, what will make him happy, what will complete him....you let go....realizing that you can't wait here any longer, for something....someone that does not even keep you as a friend....you watched the phone ring--you refused to answer----you let go---the heart stops trying....no longer willing----its not what he wants---with all of the love you have for him----you delete him, never answer the call....to help lead him to his destination----a Mendhi nite , which will turn into some other nite, some other function, some other thing that "he has to search out" to see what's there, who's there--searching for what ever it is that he needs.....its not you.....so with what has been close to 2 yrs of knowing something so valuable, so beautiful....its time to move....time to let go...time to let the other one be.....time for you to make new friends who regard you as a friend...treats you as a friend...who doesn't take advantage of your kindness.....time to not be sooo dumb anymore.

Something Insightful

So I just read something that made by eyebrows go up...."what lies next depends on whats in your soul.... and your maker....." I thought this sounded deep and wanted to write it down.....wooo

Millions Upon Millions

So I've just been pondering...doing some deep thinking...and beyond millions of people who walk this state--upon million elsewhere, on a plane ride...or maybe some tourist who needs directions...faced with millions, how do we end up creating a certain circle? Why do we know the ones we know, wh did we ever come in contact with the ones we came to know, we came to love? All of my friends changed...the crew from high school, so different from the crew from college...the neighborhood ones, so different from the ones we searched for...but in the end---or the point we're at...who is there?
We meet, get a lesson and move on....those friends of mine who I held so dear---have vanished--gone, there is nothing I have left to say....nothing bad, but the interests have become different---the goals different, the tastes, so opposite----it leads right back to a familiar place of 30 something odd years ago---leads right back to the place you left in search of different, in search of better---breaking out of a norm........but here's the question....just because someone or something is different, does it necessarily mean its better? This is the question, the place where I am at---in realizing that the common from young, the escape you tried to escape---all comes right back---where your friends today---are not the friends from 5 or 10 yrs. past, your wants, no longer the same, your needs---what you need for another 30 yrs----not where you've been looking---not there to find---if it was, you would've found it---and in your heart---you would be able to look at the world and swear by your new discovery.
You know you can't, you know you won't because deep, deep, down inside lies a place of comfort---a place where you can find comfort and give comfort---and it was right in front of your face all along---you looked, but you couldn't see. You had to evolve around the millions upon millions to help you get there---to help you see---to make you swear by and stand by what you know you need.....where there is comfort in more than you have found. Every entry guaranteed an exit...and now, emerging wiser, allowing the wisdom to kick in----there comes that time when you know your search is over---there is no asking, no more searching....your wisdom, courage and strength that you haven't allowed in, will guide you----will guide you to the place where you can just stop....stop and breathe....and know its where you can stay for the rest of your life....with all the common----all the comfort--that you let get away for too long----while you were in search of something that you can't even explain---because if you did explain---if you did allow the inner adult to speak....you yourself would be suprised at what you were in search of.....this is why you couldn't find it....and if you still dream of finding what you can't explain---what you are to ashamed to explain---your search will never be over---and upon examination in another 30 yrs, I can bet the answers will still be the same----the only part missing----would be the courage, the strength, the wisdom----in other words.....THE BALLS

Calm After the Storm

Calm, calm and more calm....After being with someone who I just love....after facing being deleted once friggin again, after reading virgo for a friggin year and a half EVERYDAY, just to learn tall, dark, handsome, and full of secrets is a friggin pisces....I must say, I'm calm....I have pondered and can only come up with the fact that he'll never know how much he hurts me, how he is so not honest, so unfair to me and takes me for granted...you know in the beginning, when you want so much to meet someone and along comes someone who just melts you nd fits in every little inch of your life, your ways, your dreams---he has flowers, presents, suprises, spends quality time, quality never ending phone calls---unexpected emails---and the time, all of the time--just for you---to just be together---then it fades---he friggin moves---its gone--he resurfaces...but so different from what he used to be--no long talks---no long walks---no moments---nothing---he killed it down to nothing---your time is running out---you know it---cut your losses---actually---his loss---its not what you gain---its what you lose without the other person---so wht did I lose?---lies, hurt feelings---no honesty---someone who can't compliment but who can write a missed connection about someone they never knew---never touched, never spoke to---and tell her she is gorgeous and sophisticated??wtf?---and you--nothing--maybe you are not gorgeous enough, nor sophisticated--but at this calm moment...you can walk away with your broken heart in hand---the one he just stepped on---knowing that deep down inside, you are human, you want and need a good human, someone with a good heart as you---someone who will love you for you--not just for the moment--but for always--who puts the effort in--when the heart is willing, it tries 1000 ways, when its not, 0 ways---so you pray that he appears--magically---takes you away---to a place where the effort for the 2 of you is all that exists---your number 1 priority---and if he's not strong and willing, then he's not for you---a hungry dog will eat raw bones-----I am not hungry---I fell in love---with someone who has no soul...........who deletes and hurts feelings----is this what you want, when everyone else has thes tight guys--these great guys that are with them always---is this what you want---or someone who can show love, who has a lot of love to give----so while calm, coming out of confusion---think...and be smart--not dumb....

LOSER

Here it is, too long that I have not made the time to release through an outlet that I enjoy most. Where do I begin...with the summer almost to an end, I have enjoyed 2 vacations, 2 outings and 1 heartbreak. Not bad, things can always be worse, this i do not believe, but I must tell myself...So my trips, I think we all know how much I enjoy my family--so the 1st trip with 3 kids lasted 2 weeks, with an emergency from work which brought me home....spent 2 weeks actually almost idle, which I view as a good thing. It was a time of helping out those in need, sitting like a loser, watching tons and tons of youtube, one of my favorite things to do....and yes, I even went to a club, yes me...in a club. Now in my younger days, I ventured, not alone to really take in the action but with a man who had me under lock and key---but this time---ALONE--with just a few dear friends. I drive them nuts, whine and complain, but without them...I would see nothing, go no where---and between us, I'm feeling quite adventurous, more than ever.---So I go to this club--a familiar place from long ago--remember when it opened, saw all of the action afar, from the dorm window in the city---to be there, I learned something--fun, something to do, can I do it every weekend..hell no...do I feel as if I'm missing much, not at all...would I rather be home watching a good hindi movie or taking a stroll....yes. So I ventured off again---back to the same familiar place---where I am most relaxed, most peaceful and comforted....Now, don't get me wrong, the city is great...but having a life of waking up, taking a swim, going shopping--something I hate, actually becomes nice--being able to breath, smelling the roses...and having quiet, no sirens----and a guard that come right down---heaven---pure heaven, when you can actually feel like a woman, be a woman...and not a tough chick with a hardness, constantly looking over her shoulder---nope, all gone---I get to be myself--a wimp---a nice, simple person.

So I return, for outing #2--yup, you guessed it...another club--but what the hell is wrong with me--so I go with my friends--guys--who I swear think they are my chaperones---so in other words, its like being out with your dad---even the bouncer said something---3 guys, 1 girl?---you poor thing, try to have some fun----he just knew---that my chances of meeting someone would be squashed--so I go in---my ego was stroked---I knew I could've walked out of there with easily 10 numbers---made me feel nice---so they left me--they went downstairs to check out chicks that will never give them time of day--so I'm sitting there, drinking my coke---and this guy starts rapping to me--nice--med resident--now, what the hell can I do with him? Play mommy and pack him a lunch box?--ugh---in less than 2 minutes of their failure--one returns for me, we can call him grandpa------so I call it a nite and go home---now was I looking to hook up, meet the man of my dreams? click with someone, the click is important---no---i sat there, with just one person on my mind---the one who has haunted me for the past few months, the one who can't escape my memory, my wants, my desire---yup, my H----I hate him, hate him for doing this to me---6mths later, and still pining, still missing him, still crying for him....I go home, 4am----and sleep, sleep it off......awake to find an email---from the one, the only--yes---my love----my love is here----in the flesh...how I love flesh---I have no control----I am a LOSER---a big loser---why does he do this--is he psychic?---now, if this was 1 week ago or 2--I would not even have known---lap top stayed here 2nd time around---really wanted to be disconnected from it all----so he is in town for a week---wants to see me---ugh, my nerves, now shot---now I need to yell at him first--get it off my chest---he tells me he is here for a week and bored, flew in last nite--and wants to know if i want to see a movie----now, did someone say movie----my attention is there---he has me, knows how to get me---magic word....movie---more magical---new hindi movie---how can I resist---I have no backbone, I am a wimp-v you loser--I still yell---ask him if he wants to see me only because he's bored---wtf--that hurts my feelings----and YES, I have lots of feelings, I think, more than others---I have extra...extra feelings which get hurt very, very easily----what to do, what to do---I fold, I crumble---I am dumb----now he tells me the movie, that I REALLY friggin want to see---starts 10:30----hmm, so Saturday nite--a nice nite out--no freakin rain---hmmm, this is good----but 2 nites out in a row for me---ugh, can I handle this, with NO nap?....He comes--at friggin 6---I rush out the door, keep him from getting comfortable---I am SOOOO smart----I know myself----too well---ugh, his hair got longer--the way I love it---soft, gorgeous----I look at him and I melt---thats it---if I don't get him out of here, my clothes will come right off----which means NO MOVIE----and its been sooo long---I try to believe I have desires as the others do----and he does this to me--he has that spell thing on me----so we make it out---whhhew, what a relief--I am so friggin slick, so smart--for my own good---I cant fold, I won't-----he will leave in a week---I don't need the heartbreak--I don't need to be here for the next 6 months dying for him---so I keep repeating my mantra in my head, movie, movie, movie--got to get to the movie---so now we're in the city--we go to eat---FOOD IS EVIL--- NOT GOOD, food makes H horny---food makes me horny-----I am convinced---it is a bad thing-a very, very, bad thing---now with sooo much time to kill---ugh--I wish to die---he suggests that we go back to my place and take a nap---and then go back to the city for the 10:30 show----panic button, this was not something I thought through thoroughly---v--you jackass--this wasn't supposed to happen---I'm so confused---I FOLD---lights are being broken....the speed limit exceeded---ugh I can't take it---the pressure--what the hell was in that food----my dress came off----I am dumb, so stupid---I swear I'm retarded---God, I melted---told him how much I missed him---asked him if he missed me----he said----drum roll---NO----so now I am mad, mad as hell---wtf---you land friday nite at 3am---and you are at my door the next day??----I feel if he didn't mean it, he wouldn't have said it---which means he didn't miss me----so now I hate him...i never wish to speak to him or see him as long as I live---I want to go marry a stranger tomorrow---just so I can't look back---where I am forced to give him up---

I know somene who has been pressuring me to help him find someone to get a green card---i think I shall do the favor and the dirty deed---to just let go---to just not let him do this to me time and time again---a nice roll in the hay---but he is not here---he is away---he left----he left me--i didn't leave---it was him---and I am mad at myself for folding--for being dumb--for creating a new memory that will probably last another 6 months----and now today----nothing---left a message depicting my hurt--my confusion once again---and my hate---I hate this---I need my head screwed on tight---need to work---need to function---and not be in H--lala land---where he puts me---I need to walk for good and not turn back--the heart is not in tune with the head----this is not good---he does this---he should've never said movie to me---he should've never made us come back here---he should just leave me---leave me for good---go get some loser nerd from virginia, get married and leave me---just leave me----but he won't and he hasn't---so now its up to me---as much as I don't want to be without him---its time for me to make some serious actions---where if an email comes or a call in a few months---i won't even blink an eyelash----I have to do this---to free myself from something that just won't be---in 2 separate places----v--you fool! Advice is needed--someone to tell me the obvious---Time to grow up, put on the armour---and the wall has to be up----you are so dumb---you really are....