The Cross Roads

So after a very hectic week, physically, mentally, and emotionally..would you believe me if I told you I was in bed by 10 p.m. last night, something I couldn't do on a week day. I worked way too late Friday night and yesterday, from one to seven, not cool. So after taking a beating...I always pay attention to the down time I need, and I listen. I need to make the time to just stop, relax, unwind and evaluate. Now A..did invite me to his restaurant, Saturday nights are hard to escape for him, unless he plans, like the week befor that I completely screwed up. I chose to be by myself and with myself and he was good about it. With all that I had going on, the last thing I need is man drama, and I've told him this...and he understands, which I'm grateful for. Usually, you can tell a man, but he doesn't understand, or he hears only what he wants to hear, or he just chooses to do the complete opposite...just to annoy you, on purpose.

So my horoscope yesterday was pretty deep. Said I need to discard all of the baggage I have accumulated in the past six months. Sad to say, as I counted, God, it's almost 6 months that I know H...how time flies. So last night, as I completely destressed after the hottest shower, steamed my face, had my tea, eh, I thought about him. Thought about the emotional roller coaster I've been on since we met. I won't lie here, it felt good. I have not been the same since the day we met. I have changed, and my way of thinking has changed so drastically. I guess its safe to say its over and I'm okay...okay with it. I haven't heard from him all week and I know who he's probably with, who he spoke to all week. He told me last week..that he wants to be with lots of women, now this does not work for me..so if that's what he wants, it's best for him to go. I don't need the drama, the heartbreak. I think it was very important for us to see each other last week..and I think some of his real ways needed to come out. So in other words, he's a male slut, and admitted it. I will not judge him, but I know I won't have anything to do with him. Which not doubt, is hard. I did fall for him, hard, I did think about him all week..even up to last night. I can only wish that he finds true happiness and umm whatever he's looking for. I will miss him dearly as I do love him and I wanted to be with him, but I have to understand that I doesn't work, will not work. Now, I'm very loyal. If I'm with someone, then I'll just be with that one person. How would H expect me to be with him and then continue dating other men? Yuk, I couldn't do that. It's obviously easy for him to do, I'm just different.
So A is cool, he wants to be with just one person too. I told him all about H. I had to, I'm honest. I told him he needs to be patient and wait until he's out of my system. A is being very good, very understanding. He told me that I wasn't in love with H. He said that H was just the first one after so long, so I clung to him...and felt that I had been rescued..makes sense...and I guess he's right...A said he wished I would've met him first....In a way, I guess I wished I would've met A first, fallen for him, and I would've been forever indebted to him for saving my soul like this for me...I don't know..I guess I had to meet H..for some reason, still not known...maybe I had to meet him, so I can appreciate someone like A, who has my back, who wants to have my back, who wants to love me...the way H doesn't, couldn't. And I need a lot......a lot of attention. I am not into all of his dates, his need for sex with so many women. Imagine if I had slept with him..I would be so heartbroken now..for him to throw in my face that he was dating some nasty chick. I get too grossed out...So after my trying week, with my down time...I have to say..I'm okay...and concentrate on the fact that when at the crossroads, choose the safer route.
I miss my H, I still love him, I wish I was enough for him, I love him enough to let him go and not be selfish. I hope he finds all that he wants, all that he needs and I hope he doesn't end up with some funky disease. And I guess I'm happy he spared me. He knew how badly I wanted him and he could've taken full advantage of that...so I love him for not hurting me ore than he did..any other man probably would've...my ex was sooooo right about men.....which brings me back to A...I just hope he is truly as innocent as he claims and not really the wolf in sheeps clothes...It's hard figuring people out. Now I know why the ex never left me...he knew what was out there, so he kept me close...and clean...and with him.....I am really not good at figuring men out. Men frighten me. I can't be around someone loud, someone violent, someone harsh...and I can see that A gets mad very fast. I don't like that. He gets mad if I didn't call him or fro something stupid, does this mean one day, he's just goin to knock me out...because if that day comes, I would not be one of these asshole girls that puts up with that garbage...my brother would lay him out in a second. My brother is a fighter....A is not..and having 3 sisters, my brother wouldn't deal with that....Why can't they just be honest like me..I don't get it..time will tell me and I trust time. I know I want a man's company so bad, I just have to be smart about it..because I just really don't want to get hurt. I really don't.

Stingy Kisser versus Kissing Bandit

Okay, so I guess I'm still a bit sore over the fact that H is a stingy freakin kisser. Now, A on the other hand, I know, wants these lips and eventually, the OTHER not happening too soon lips..so now I have to choose. As I am not one for games, I feel that the stingy kisser will lose. The kissing bandit, will win, he wins the game, he wins the prize, he wins it all. Winner takes all, loser gets none. Now, If I was, lets say, one of these average type chicks, one of these women today who are aware of this new game, bull crap bologna, then I would think that stingy kisser will win. See, being old school and into the old ways, I'm just a very different person. Now lets go back to the last time I started a relationship, which would be 20 years ago. It went like this...."I really like you, you are so friggin cool and I will never hurt you, I want you to be my girl"......Now I have a feeling, things are just a wee little bit different from the last time I had to get involved with someone. So now, I meet someone who is rather traditional, someone who understand this concept and who warns me that men today are not looking for a relationship. A man who swears to me that he is the last man to want a girl in his life, his girl, his woman. So now confusion sets in...I like him, he is too good with the phone, talked to me last night and says good night to me....He is sweet and nice...not hot tempered like H...not mean like H...not a womanizer like H..yuk...He is also really warm, not luke warm...umm like H..
Now H was like this..so now I'm wondering if A is pretty much the old H...and maybe with H, as our honeymoon came to an end....maybe H doesn't feel the need to do all of the things he did to capture my attention...no more sweet emails, no more phone...god, how I love the phone...no more sweetness. Now I need sweetness......lots of attention. What happens here, getting back to that average chick, she will stay with the stingy kisser because, umm, her options are naturally low and umm, I'd rather be alone than be with someone who is not good to me...she is into the "oh he is so neglectful..so frigin into ignoring me, never pays attention to me..god, he must love me." I am different, because I will walk...rather run..again..I will run into the arms of the man who has my back, who is there for me, who is ready to put that smile on my face, not the drama, not the wondering. So now, I will see A again tomorrow, I love the way he is so ready to clear his schedule for me..so happy to hear from me...so happy to be with me.....what am I to do.....the only thing H has on him....is that HE WAS this way, which made me fall so hard for him, which made me his....now since he is no longer this way... I think it may be safe to acknowledge and realize that I need so much more, I am old fashioned in how I need a man to be...which is attentive...attentive to me....and one who wants me...it doesn't make it boring...it makes me complete...it makes it that good...it's what I was used to...the ex..even after 10 years...if he had to win every teddy bear for me..it's what he had to do, because he knew it made me happy....so as far as the psychic from yesterday..another whole story...she is right that I need to be careful, that one is not being truthful with me...because the way I see it, if H is not talking to me at night....not sending me those sweet emails, then he's doing it for someone else....which is always the case....and as far as the phone...I know...because I'm on the phone with A...pretty much all day...and if he has the time for me....then what more can someone want? The only hold H has over it all, is the fact that he captured me with the way A is now...has he killed it, yes.....has he made it die...yes...did he water it and make it grow, no....so I guess, as time goes on, the memory of his kindness and sweetness will soon be replaced....and just for the record...still haven't heard a word from since Saturday night..safe to say it's over...or he's with chiquita banana..something I won't do...start to wonder about him. I refuse to...I don't need to..the way I can make a man secure, is the same way he should make me secure..I am just not into these games. I like you, I'm going to tell, going to show you...I just hope the feelings I have for him start to die down for me, so I can truthfully know if to give A that chance....that clean chance without someone else in my head..I wouldn't do that to him, as I wouldn't want someone to do that to me...I'm just confused...so confused and H doesn't make it any easier..or does he? Maybe his silence speaks louder than anything right now...I have to listen...see who is the untruthful one....and I have to follow my heart...right now, he has it...and I think I want it back....I only want to give it to the one who shows me...I don't have the patience for the games, but I do have patience for the man...

Love, Look What You've Done To Me...

I never thought I'd fall again so easily....Ahh, so I was with my H last night. How did I do this when I promised myself I was done with him. What the hell is wrong with me. Me, who chews people up and spits them out in seconds, to never look back. What does this man have on me, how does he have such a hold on me...As a true sagg, I belong to no one and now this, I can't function. I haven't slept all night, this is not good. I hate myself right now, for being so weak. Why didn't I go to Atlantic City yesterday, why do I chicken out of everything, yet when it comes to H, I just jump...I did last night something you couldn't have paid me to do, just to be with him. I could care less at the risk of arriving back late, knowing that I'm always so frightened of anyone who may be lurking at a woman driving alone. It didn't hit me until I left him, that I was no longer with him, but alone. So I was quite abusive to him, but it was really what I think he knew he had coming, for all of the hurtful things he's said to me over these past few weeks. How could I look at him and it all just goes away...So last night I drove into midtown to meet him. What a beautiful night to have been in the city, to be out period. I know if I had never received that email, I would've continued with my every Saturday routine and never even left. I am way too routine. The only thing I really needed to get done were my nails. I hate going out somewhere not done, as I know how hard I am on my hands. I know other people may not see it..but it's something I know...so I always like to be done. I need that advanced notice thing. But with H, it was sooo last minute.
God being with him was amazing, I look at him and all I can do is picture him and imagine him making love to me for hours....and then he ends my amazing evening with just 2 pecks on my lips. Do I want to die..maybe he really couldn't handle all that I dished out, but that was my hurt. Maybe he really is in love with taquiero taco bell, I don't know, but I know if I had to, eh,I could take her. But then I would seriously need to wash and scrub my hands...yuk, that germy bitch, with my H. So now he tells me that he loves to be with women..now, let me think, the last time I checked and looked in the mirror, I am not a boy. So does this statement mean that he just loves to be with other women BUT me. I don't know. Because he seems to want to be with everyone else but not me. So maybe he just isn't attracted to me in that way. Maybe he really wants to be loyal to rice and beans, maybe he loves her. I don't know. But time will tell me...

So I had met a nice guy at the beginning of the week. We'll call him A, who lives here. He has a beautiful Escalde and has ownership in 2 restaurants. So I know he is flexible for me and loves to do things and go places. He is very spontaneous and driven. He is the opposite of H, in the sense that he loves to talk on the phone, he loves to see me and he loves to give me compliments. H has never noticed one thing about me, ever. I don't even think he notices if I get my nails done, my haird done..or anything for him. If I was kidnapped on the way home last night and being that he was the last to see me, I don't think he would be able to give a description of anything about me. They would never find me. So A is good like that. He is very into me..and was upset that I blew him off yesterday, but he knows and understand that leaving the house is hard for me. So now he still wants to see me. But with H...I'd rather be with H...but H doesn't give me the attention A does. So right now, I feel as if I'm at a crossroads. A is sweet, thoughtful, asks about my day, everything. And I know if it came up, he would be interested in having a sexual relationship with me. He knows the deal, he wants a girlfriend, already told me he wants me to be his girl, said I should be his girl. He is that typical Brooklyn type of guy where, I guess he knows the deal. Needs someone like me in his Escalade. I know what these guys are like. He's not gonna have some rice and beans chick there..uggh...so different from H. He loves the same things that I do, the same music, the same movies, how I love my movies. But now, I'm not a player type and I don't know how to juggle 2 men at the same time. All I know is if H is not calling, then I know I have A to talk to at night, which I love talking to a man right before I go to bed. But then lets say H does call, then I would have to be honest with A....and let him know. But then let's say H doesn't want to see me ever, hell, I haven't even heard from him yet..and he could've frigin called me last night to make sure I got home ok, I was shocked myself...not cool. So if H never wants to see me again and he wants to be with taco bell..then I wil have A, who is just so open and expressive. I just didn't feel right going away with him so soon. Sort of the same way I was with H, except I didn't go with H because I knew I'd let myself go too easily. With A, my guard is up more. H was also the 1st one in so long to come along, so I guess I wanted to trust him from the beginning. And with A, I know he likes me, really likes me. With H, I don't know if he frigin likes me. How can I tell..if he's not good with the phone, which the phone usually shows. I don't know, time wil tell me. I trust time and I must follow my heart. So now my girlfriend wants to go to coney island and A already called me to see what I'm doing..I don't know if I want him to come with us, because then I wouldn't be able to see the psychic on the boardwalk. I don't know what to do. I'm just confused and I have a lot to do at home today. I did tell H about A, but not completely. I'm afraid of him. I just want to be honest with the both of them. But I really don't want 2 men to talk to, 2 men in my life, just one, the nicest one, the good one, the one that likes me for me. So I guess I have to wait to see what happens and let it unfold naturally. I am such in a fog after being with H last night, total bliss, with a big stupid smile on my face, like a high school girl, this is what he does to me.

The Final Curtain

Yep, this is it..my vacation has come to an end. It's over..on this morbid, rainy Sunday. All ready to go back..to return with only 2 months remaining before a much needed 2 month break, I can't wait. I know this summer will be different from the last few. I want a boyfriend, a nice boyfriend. I want his picture by my bed, in my heart shaped frame. I know, I'm a sap. So anyway, know I am not supposed to think or talk about it...and I know myself to well...when I've had it, I've had it and it's safe to say..I've had it. So of course I spent a beautiful day home..doing all of my last minute stuff...but then I received a phone call and 2 people died..so I had to frigin leave the house and go to the wake last night..all the way on the other side of Brooklyn. At around 4..I noticed H had logged on...this is where I feel like an international spy......because I can see him but he can't see me..hehe...what the hell was he doing home..why wasn't he with his bimbo date..the type of chick any man can have..but they choose not to....but my frigin H does....uggh..Face it, the only ones out there are the ones that no one wants...or the very select few as myself who has been either in hibernation for years...or walked away from a loveless relationship..other than that...only losers out there.
So I stopped by my girlfriends around the corner from the funeral home and I logged on there..he was home or maybe he had his lap top at his girls house and she needed to be home with her 10 kids...being that the welfare check didn't come in..she couldn't get the sitter..so with laptop in hand...he probably went there..Fuck you H....
So then I wanted to see the kids..as they had just gotten back from Florida...I love my nieces and nephews..how they drive my poor parents insane..but they love it...being a large family..you can't function without the chaos and the crying and the drama....it becomes too peaceful.

So he was on and I was leaving my music comments for my cuz...who lives in another country...i would pop on so the message could be visible and then i popped off again...I know he can't see me...and I have no desire to speak to him..When I get mad....watch out...I get mad.
What is there to say..the conversation would go like this....."Hey..wats up...I had a date..a 4th date..she was ok.....I had some sex here, I had sex there..I..I...I...other woman....other woman...other woman....sex for them....sex with them...and more sex with these degenerate fucking women that couldn't shine my fucking shoes.....and more sex with other women.....do I need to hear this???? do I?????...do I want to be hurt like this. It hurts, I won't lie..it frigin hurts....and he frigin knows it and he still does it.....not very mature...so why even bother..now I will never speak to him either on the computer or phone...I just have nothing to say...what can you say when the conversation is not about us anymore..but just other women....I just don't understand...he should've been like that from day one...because trust me, there wouldn't have been a day 2...I have no patience for games or just plain, downright mean hurtful things.
You know he's such a jerk...I told him that he reminded me of Elvis..he's go that sideburns thing going..so I asked him if he wanted to watch a video with me..and he said no..so why even bother..........With me, I'll ask only once....and then that's it...never ever agian...I'm sure if his nasy whatever asked him to watch some juan valdez crap, I'm sure he would...I don't even care......and then he tells me that Elvis was not hot..are u kidding me? Now, take it back...take it back now.....In this one video...he is so hot in his younger days......One of my all time Elvis songs..My Boy..which reminds me too much of my dad...My father would listen to it over and over and over and over again...loud.... We share the same passion for loud music and good music...we are like twins...too identical...in every way..shape and form.....but I wish I can be as strong as he is...I mad a little father video dedication of all of the songs that remind me of him. Whenever I get upset like this...I always look for strength and try to remember his strength...How did he cope..how did he deal...He always said he knew, waiting in that emergency room...he said he knew my brother was dead...and he knew they would come out and tell him...its almost 10 years now and he listened over and over and over....to a song that had a different meaning for him in the 70's...now held a different feeling so many years later....How my dad loved Elvis....he needed strength..where did he get it from...my mother was useless to him...way too weak...but how did he do it..how was he strength for all of us...always...then with me, how did he deal...I knew his insides turned...I could see the tears in his eyes...to look into your fathers eyes..it should be to see happiness for you...
I would never want to hurt anyone...I would rather bow out gracefully and walk away silently....but when does my hurt end, does it end, will it ever end.....I hate to say it.....but it was best living these last few years, completely gutted out inside...completely withdrawn..living life for only my family...and I want it this way..there are too many mean people in this life..to many bad men....and I don't want that.....I need safey and security that only one man ever gave to all of us.... And until I find someone along the same lines...I will choose to not give my heart....or my soul...or my mind..to anyone less...I know I tried...I have nothing else to give...He couldn't love me the way I need a man to love me....All I know, is that I don't want to walk around with my fists ready to go all of the time...There has to be a time, where I can just put them down...even if its just for a little while....I'm tired. just tired...

I'm Done...

That's it..I freakin hate him, hate his guts. So this week, being that I'm not a game player and not into games..I left H either a voicemail or email every frigin day, just to let him know that I was serious about giving this a second chance. Maybe I'm wrong...but don't all relationships, whether friendships, relations with siblings..don't all of these require honesty, being frigin verbal and letting the other side know how you feel, in other words, work, dedication. When the hearts willing, it finds a thousand ways..when its not..it finds zero....Apparently not in this town..where all of these men are just frigin different breeds..who in my eyes, are not living up to their moral expectations..and seem to forget that people have feelings. So late last night, had to be after midnight..I see him online..so I did the decent thing..which shows I have balls, not into games..and I im'ed him, wanted to talk to him missed him all day...thought of him all day... In all of 5 minutes, he stuck the sword right through my heart.....felt it go right in....he certainly didn't miss.....asshole.... He tells me he was on a date, a 3rd date with some flea bag...you know, 'those girls' that all guys that are average..treat like gold. Yea, according the ex....the real men won't walk around town with garbage...he always used to say..once you bring the garbage out of the house, do you bring it back in?
So this is what he frigin tells me..now is he normal? Does he not realize that maybe, just maybe we should've seen each other first, just to see if maybe it would be best for us to be just friends..or something,,before sticking the knife right through me like this..again?
So this is it..I was a lady of course..said, I have to go..and I logged off. I really hate him...nope, I really fucking do. I really fucking hate his guts. So I called my girls, who were in shock, they definitely think something is wrong with him...they are convinced he just didn't want to be a part of me any longer, maybe cowarded out..doesn't shock me...its best to know now....So fine..I'm done. I get so disgusted, so skeeved..it's not even funny..He was better off telling me he went out with the guys.
In my brain, it registers as: 3rd Date..he bought her flowers, as he did me...3rd date, he was kissing her the way he kissed me..3rd date, his hands were all over her..as his were all over me...She sat where I sat, looked at him, the way I looked at him. 1st date..fucking Julio Iglesias CD collection...That's it..Fuck You H...If that's what you want..then go...just go...you will never touch me again...ever. It must have been some date....to end at 12 midnight..and I highly doubt she was cinderfuckinrella...at least our were longer....I will never even look at him again. I've had it. He hurt me one too many times. First time, shame on you, second time, shame on me...I wil never sit in his car where he had some flea bag..I scorn and I skeeve like you can never imagine....So I hung up with the girls who thank God, my Brooklyn girls who can deal with my mouth..as I had a mouthful to say.....So I cried myself to sleep last night...and for me..I know its over..the last straw. I don't need him..I don't need him for anything...I'm NO MAN'S sloppy seconds..always was number 1..need to be number 1..I don't need his bullshit...I don't need him...I'm a man's number 1 woman...where everyone knows the deal....Fuck you H....
What I do feel is stupid...He just moved and yesterday...when I was shopping around, I looked at bed ensembles..God, my biggest weakness..no matter what I need to shop for..somehow I always end up coming home with bedsheets and a bottle of glass plus or 409..go figure..so I thought I would've bought him as a house warming, a gorgeous bed ensemble...and a case of Bud Ice..now, he can go fuck himself...have some whore on my bed sheets, I think not..I don't need him...and here, I can't believe that all I was thinking about was sleeping with him and how much I missed him...But it's okay..He is not the only man on the frigin planet with one of those....and he is not for me...not the type of man that deserves a woman like me...go with your hoes..go with whoever..I don't care..I really don't...and I am not spiteful in the least...I logged off gracefully...Fuck you H....I will wait for the nice weather to set in and I am actually feeling ready to leave the house...to meet a man the old fashioned way...I want to walk through the city....after 5 pm...when all of the hot men get out of work...I see what happens when I enter a room...I know the strong presence I have....and I know I'll find a gentle and sweet, patient man. A man who is everything..I won't settle in this life...I'd rather be alone than to be with some slime ball.....And I will find him..a man who loves the movies...a man who has a deep passion for music...a man who is kind...love is kind, love is patient....a man I can give all of my love to...all of myself to...someone who can love me and appreciate me the same....Now I know why the ex always never left me..always kept me so close...he always said..you have no clue whats out there..you don't know men..you have no idea....he knew how stupid I was..how trusting..and I know I'll find a genuine man with that genuine heart again...minus the bad killer side...Now I know...you live and learn..H was the second man I gave my time to...maybe the third will be the one..not into this dating crap...I know in my heart..if I just go out again..if I could just muster the courage to walk around the city without a man on my arm..I know I'll find one...but only a good one...a nice one. He will never know..the second man in my life that I gave my time to...and a piece of my heart to..thank god not all of it..that takes a lot...a lot that he is not equipped to give me...just only some average bimbo chick...which is the type of woman he deserves..NOT ME, YOU DON'T GET ME...You can't have me...now Fuck you.
I now have what he didn't give me before...closure...I know I just vented...it's all out..and I'm done..I have the closure, he was nothing but a fucking liar..who lied about everything..lied about the man he was..lied about the precaution and integrity and morale that a decent man lives life with...the type of man that could attract me and hold me...He had to friggin lie about it..all lies...that's sad...Men should just learn to be honest..."
Hi V, my name is H...and I am going to pretend to spend time with you, pretend to like you, pretend to call you and want to talk to you..because you see, I am a male slut..a total fucking slime ball pig...I just love to whip it out for everyone and anyone..even if I'm in India...across the fucking world where HIV is normal..anywhere...because I am the epitome of a dog....I just love to sleep with girls and then leave them and make them feel like dirt.....it doesn't matter to me.....what you're going through in life..what you've been through..what kind of a person you are....the type of family you come from....nope, nothing matters to me. I am the most self absorbed prick, jew bastard that you could ever meet and I need you to shut the fuck up and allow me to belittle you and treat you like garbage...I expect you to take ALL of my bullshit..as I make you feel that there is no man out there better than me....and If you only get upset...I will never apologize to you...you will have to crawl on your hands and knees back to me, time and time again.....kneel before czar....as I have broken you down into a piece of garbage that loves to be treated like a piece a shit..so in other words...As a man...yea baby,,cause I'm the MAN...I love nothing more than being with some weak pathetic soul who has absolutely no self respect for herself....no morals, no value..and her whole life revolves around my treating her like crap......This is the woman for me...and if you are not that type of woman when I first meet you...don't worry darling..I will help create it for you..all for you....to make you into the dream woman of my choice..the pathetic woman that will someday walk through life with me...that will have my child and raise my child to be as pathetic as I am and most of all..our daughter..yes, our precious daughter..will have to follow in your footsteps...of being a whore and only looking for a man like daddy....just like me..her daddy.."the man"....a man just like me...one that treats her like shit"
I don't think so asshole...I have a brother and brother in laws...too well guarded in my life...a dad..who always showed what it means to be a real man...and bottom line...an ex..who pretty much made me into the woman that I am today...had a hand in raising me from small....to be the passenger seat Benz woman...which is quite different from the women you're so fucking drawn to....I can't settle for less ever.....can't move backwards in life...but thanks...thanks for showing up and showing me the exact man that he spoke of out there...the wolf in sheeps clothing...the one I was most frightened to believe could ever exist...I fuckin hate you.

thank god I didn't sleep with him..I would hate myself so much right now..thank God I listen to myself...so that's it..it's all out...got it all out..and now here comes the period at the end...the chapter is closed..the door is shut and bolted and I am done..stick a fork in me because I am done...I would never dream of hurting someone the way he has hurt me....I hope he ends up with some frigin disease with all of the nasty women he wants so badly to entertain..I will not be a part of someones world..I couldn't look at a man that I have no respect for...no value..and he has done a wonderful job of making himself appear that small to me....I hate you H...Take care..have a good fucking life with all of your scum buckets...I need nothing from you...it's over in my heart and in my head..I will not waste one tear on him...not one minute of my mind does he get...nothing...I've been with a man before duh..A man who never lets you go..a man who knows no one can come close..a man who takes you by your hand..a man who appreciates the things you do for him...a man who shows the world that you are HIS and no one elses...a man who notices what you wear, a man who gives you compliments...a man who shows you...a man who teaches you...about life...about other men...men that you don't give time of day to..the average man who can only entice the average chick...no the real man....the only type of man for you.....I will walk away gracefully and pure...as pure as the sugar in your bowl....the way my mother raised me.....I need nothing from you...nothing. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.....

Rainy Day

What a nice rainy day. So I passed, passed my test! What a moment of relief. Now my girlfriend kept my truck last night, drove it another 50 miles and was taking it in for me in the morning...she gets there, and the guy tells her to drive about 40 more miles..to the airport and back. Without shutting off the car, it will pass. Poor thing, in the rain, had to drive more highway miles and then I passed. God, how I love her, she is too good to me..totally has my back..who needs a man when you have everything you need from everyone around you, which is respect, patience, value..honesty, loyalty..and you know..that building attitude..the strength to always build your relationships to that solid point..the point of no return..where, yup--you know the deal, no backstabbing..no doubts..just a big fucking period with no question mark, the relationships I'm used to...today there is too much phoney bologna crap..from both men and women...which is why I don't entertain girls..don't need anymore girlfriends..none of these flaky chicks walking around out there with their heads totally unscrewed..I am too strong for that..I've met so many women...not that I go that route..because I DON'T, not that there's anything wrong with it...but nope, love men only. But I always have women drawn to me for some strange reason...more than men...go figure..women tend to need validation by me for some reason..the women at work, my sisters in laws..6 of them...women associated with my work..lots of them..need that good morning from me..all of them...NOTHING....NADA..I don't give it..don't know why...but I just don't..and I do get a kick out of it...When I give, I give completely..its all or nothing...I keep those close..real close..everyone else..my attitude is "take a hike..just go away"....I have no patience for flakes...so I call the dealership..told him I passed..and this frigin guy tells me, "you know..I still have your number"...now, wtf? I totally abuse you...tell you off...and now you want to call me? What is wrong with these men... The more you abuse a man, the more he loves you...we all know the deal...only works for the man sucker or the loser chick that gets no men...I am such a freakin weird breed...its not even funny.
In order for me to be with someone, I need to respect him, respect is important. I need to be good to him.....I won't be abusive..not into the whole game thing...and for a man to win me over..which to date..only has happened one and a half times...he has to be like butter with me..sweet as apple pie...humble, kind, soft, gentle and understanding...anything less...I will have to tell him where he can go..and it won't be pleasant. Being with a very hard man for so many years, you learn that the hardest man will break down for you, will crumble for you, will treat you like gold, value you and worship you...so how..just how can a woman like me settle for less. That would be for those weird chicks..those stupid ones that stay with the guy who is mentally abusive because...hmmm, they can't get anyone else and fall for the guys bs...where he is stupid too, because he knows the more he abuses her...the more she will stay..seeking validation...seeking acceptance...I say..BULLSHIT...(belch)....that would be the weak woman...See with me, I learned too much from the ex...he sold out the whole gender, shared secrets that umm, a female like me should not know...it makes me sit back and watch moves..not good.
Let's take H for eaxample, who called me last night..and put me under his sexy voice spell...yes master...H is kind, sweet, was..and I stress was...sweet and sincere..excellent with the phone..very catering to me...this is what I need...the clothes came right off..he made me melt...it was his sweetness, his attentiveness..then he changes...starts being mean and what do I do...I bolt...now yea, became in touch with him again....because I do care for him..but lets just say...he continues to be mean and doesn't kiss my boo boo in my heart...then I must go..I wouldn't take his bullshit slash drama..as I know there are easily 10 men I know I can have waiting to just want to be nice to me...now as I'm not one for dating....and yea..a one man woman..i'd like to see if he's still capable of being nice and sweet..making me take all of my clothes off for him..being under his spell...if not...then I must move on...the ex was too nice..too sweet..too catering...which makes it hard to accept less...he always made me look in other people's cars...always said there is a difference between the girl in the mercedes passenger seat and the girl who is in te seat of another car...any other car. He said...you have to be the best...have the strength, the confidence..the attitude....then he would point out the other girls...the average type chick..into the abuse..weak..not well put together..the dime a dozen chick. So after learning all of this from young..it still sticks in the back of my mind....everything...so I guess the woman he made me...knows too much to be fooled, too much to be taken..too much to settle for any less of a man...so this is what I'm thinking about on my rainy day off..man drama...being patient with my H..waiting patiently for the sugar to melt me...or wondering if this was as good as it gets..time will tell me and I trust time....I will continue in my honest ways..saying and showing what's inside...not into playing..not into playing with people..not into ever hurting H...not into it at all..just a staight shooter...very expressive shooter..who needs a man to make her melt.....melt right into him....

Aggravation

This is really turning into the vacation from hell....I hate everyone..nope..I really do..so today and yesterday..I had to deal with car aggravation. Is it worth it to keep a car in the city..hmm..yea.....I guess..I don't have what it takes to be a train or bus chick..Just the thought of someone coming a bit too close to me sends me off the wall..even worse if they even cough near me..the germs..yuk..I wouldn't touch the pole thingy...I would only be thinking of who touched it before me...sitting..I would wonder which bum slept on it the night before..so I guess I had to deal with my drama..apparently..my car sensors are screwed up..now I only have 30k miles on my truck as I'm not one to go anywhere..pretty much racked up with my heartwrenching commute back and forth to work...so to fail my test a hundred and fifty bucks later..I had to bring it in to be serviced at eight am..not one to be up early on my vacation...so I did this..only to freakin hear from "Tom", don't like Tom, that I needed 90 highway miles on my truck..yuk. So I call my girlfriend..Bets..my girl...how I love her...tells me to pick her up..as she will drive for me and I can just sit in the passenger seat and umm apply lipstick endlessly...yea I know I have issues....ugh leave me alone...so I picked her up and we were off..nothing but trouble..I wanted breakfast..so I called my honey..yes H..and told him I was venturing off to long island..long island sucks...and left him a message...after not hearing back from him..we turned around and headed to where else, but Howard Beach..my girlfriend spent many years there growing up and so I received a full tour of the neighborhood and then we went to the diner for breakfast...still no freakin call..made my girlfriend call my phone to make sure it would ring..she wanted to kill me...we have to sit there and laugh...if we didn't..we would cry...I have the best time with her..we do the most stupid things..say the most retarded things and laugh endlessly...the waitress was cool..I picked up my bitter knife and said."can I keep this....I would like to kill my husband with it"...and she was laughing...she said..oh men..we can't live without them....I didn't take the knife..it was just a joke..so relax...I know I'm a wise ass..even when my heart hurts...next stop..the gas station..so I got out and ventured into the little store..we had both not read our horoscopes..so I figured I need to buy the freakin NY Post...so I told the guy he looked like an Aries and really needed to read his scope..I just love to put a smile on everyones face and make everyone just want to beat the shit out of me...so now we get back in the car..I read.. and she was dying to see what happens after long island..does it just end..what happens to the highway..so I have to admit..I've never been out that way..so I guess I became somewhat curious myself..have to ask H..if he ever frigin calls me..god fobid...
So the exits were getting higher..I saw his town on a sign..and I said omg..don't tell me this is where he lives..does he really drive this far for me..I wanted to cry...does he drive this far to deal with me..to see me..I need to give this man some sex...I was just speechless..so we ventured off the exit...I was curious..what's long island like..was looking in the cars to see if the people were good looking, as H is so freakin hot and gorgeous....mmwwaaa, mmwwwaa, mwwaa....I wanted to see..we went maybe 3 blocks and then got back on the highway..and the voila..the light appeared..we knew now it was safe to head back..in the car.... and ring ring..the phone rings....guess who..freakin..H..2 freakin hours later..I could've been dead on the roadside..paramedics could've done everything possible and with my dying breath..my longing to wish him well..and freakin 2 hours later..somehow...I was cool..as usual..I know I have to go easy..can't really show him that strong side that would totally blow his mind...I mean I would never be that way with him unless if he did something horrible..and I believe in my heart he really doesn't want to intentionally hurt me,..he may...and I don't think he realizes how much...so I have to be easy..the way I am with everyone dear to me..the horns only come out when need be..so he calls..and hes' freakin in the city and took the freakin day off..now mind you..I'm off all freakin week..if he took the day off..shouldn't it have been to be with me? especially knowing that we need to give each other some attention and strength? What the hell is he doing in the cty 11 o'clock in the morning? So of course..there is a bad connection..we hang up..he never calls back...up until now...just to hear his voice, made me melt...god, I miss that voice..he is so freakin sexy...he should be one of those 1800 sex talk men..if there is such a thing..I know the women do it..I see the commercials on TV, gross...so now back to torturing my girlfriend..as I completely assume..he's with a girl..and he slept there last night..and now..they are venturing off in the city having a gay old time..then I figured, maybe he's with the ex girlfriend..who probably had off as well..so now my girlfriend wants to kill him..we called my other girlfriend..who sad to say..wants to choke him to..only because they now have to listen to me..whine and complain..my other girlfriend had a dream about him about a week ago..she called me up yelling at me..and of course..i sit there and laugh..she says..."this guy is now in my dreams, I can't get away from him...' and I laugh...they want to talk to him and tell him to not upset me because they have to deal with me..and I laugh....maybe its easier to grab a brick and fling it at his girlfriends head...maybe next time..just joking...so I was upset..went back to service and repair..all of the men in there..u would swear that they never saw a woman in their whole freakin lives..I wanted to throw up..easily had 5 different guys come over to me to ask me what the problem was...do I have patience for this..H is in the city with a woman and I have to entertain this? Oh, I can't. I was getting mad..I had blown my hair out last night and I had my very large sunglasses on..which clearly throws out there..that I do not wish to be bothered...men suck..they are all so stupid..as if i am going to give them time of day....all they see is boobs and ass..how can I find someone to like me for me...and to deal with my car...I'm a freakin customer..be a little professional..thank god for wedding bands...Ideally..I would love a man to take care of this stuff for me...i detest walking into these places..u get ripped off immediately..so now I start with a 200 dollar diagnostic..350 so far and no one can tell me anything..yet, I'm still under warranty..go figure. With 90 phone calls back and forth to my dad..ah..my dad..always takes care of everything with all of the cars....if he didn't do it..the ex did it.....god I love that..i would rather wash my floors with a tooth brush than have to deal with the car....isn't that what men are for..to be the man...I'm a woman..and I like to think of myself as being a complete woman..meaning..i do laundry..i cook..i clean..all woman stuff..no how come with men today...they skip out on some man stuff...i dont like that...then maybe i should meet someone and tell him..i refuse to cook or do laundry..would that make any freakin sense?? So maybe I need to look for a man in the service shop..who knows..i'll be back there again....so now we left there..went to see sal, my girlfriends mechanic who told me not to leave it at the dealership..god I need my dad here...my dad knows everything about cars..he's a man man..that man type..that does all of his man duties..not like these bitchy girlie men today....I hate men..not H, though....i left him the car..then my girlfriend drove me home..then he calls and says I have to take it back to the dealership..then my girlfriend takes me to get it there..and then back to the dealerfreakinship..and then finally drove me home..where I needed my nap..what a day..from 8 in the morning til freakin 6 pm...and H is in the city with a girl...does it get any worse than this..i swear..I just want to go sit in the movies by myself..I have no freakin outlet...and I need to relax..i really do..i really needed this time off to just relax..but it never happens...but what can I do..I have to do what I have to do...thank god I had my dad to help me through my ordeal..my drama....and he knows I'm nothing but drama....and my girl..Bets...she's got my back...and of course, I have hers too....everyone else..USELESS to me..I swear, I need no one in this life..and I know I'm too strong...meaning..if you're nothing but a headache and heartache..just go away..as much as I would love a male companion..he has to be the right type..has to have my back...or at least frigin call...so lets see what I will deal with tomorrow...

Happy Easter!

Wishing everyone a Blessed and Happy Easter! May the end of this season of Lent bring only the beginning of new changes and new happiness yet to unfold. Now about me..dying to let the world know..yep, spoke to H last night. After having such turmoil and such a wicked moment..which lasted for weeks within me...there is a light. So it must've been late..maybe 10ish..and i was exhausted..Now, I hate this computer..it gets me into too much trouble..Figuring I have this week off, thought it would be a good idea if I tried to date. I never date..dating sucks..meeting new men..hearing drama...eh, I'd rather be home..so I went on to check my messages...as I've been receiving so many..Now for every good one, there are 3 email fights that I get into. Now I am not one for games, not one for pettiness, not one for stupid comments. So if someone writes something stupid to me, yea I have to have the last word..I swear one day some of these men will pile into a chatroom to discuss my abrasive mouth and attitude and they'll probably all gang up to find me and kill me..So I log on..and like 5 minutes later, I see him. Now I was supposed to delete him..but I didn't have the heart to. So I see him..where did I get the strength and courage from..I don't know...but I im'ed him. I took the chance and he didn't make me feel foolish. I wanted to know if he hates me. I think I would die if he hated me..How did it get to this point...I don't know but I want to go back, rewind just a bit...now in life..through every contact, every relation..each dispute..whether big or small..either makes you or breaks you. I don't feel in my heart that we had something to break us...In life, we have to weigh the pros and cons..and if the pros outweigh the cons, then we move forward stronger in whatever relationship we have, whatever the level.
To get to the point..he seems as upset as I am...he is going to think if we can go to a movie together..now, I didn't want to push him. I'm rather gentle with him and I was too exhausted to type...I couldn't believe of all nights, I was sound asleep by midnight, something I couldn't do on a freakin weekday...So he will let me know..I guess either via email, via phone. Either which way, I can't and won't push him. I want him to make the decision..do the soul searching and pride swallowing that I have. I just said swallowing. I have to remember love is patient, love is kind. I have faith in him and I just feel that its not over. The good part about this..if he chooses, as it is a choice, to see me..will have to be the making up...I have to believe in him..believe in him that he will make the right decision for the 2 of us. He's the experienced one..and with experience comes wisdom. I'm trusting his wisdom and his experience to speak for me. I don't know..I just trust him.
and mind you..I trust no one, I have such o tolerance and patience for people. There is just something too comfortable, to secure with him...I don't know..but time will tell me. I have the time and I have the patience for him.
So to make my Easter even better..I received a shock of a phone call from Pakistan, from my dear Sidra. It was so good to hear from here. I miss her terribly and she is so in my thoughts, so in my heart. If I do speak with H..I can't wait to tell him...I have to show him all of the numbers so he can show me how to dial it. I miss her. Maybe if H is in my life, he can take me to Pakistan one day to see my friend. I know I'll see her again. Things are good with her and her husband and I'm very happy for her. She needed to be with him. No woman should be away from her husband.
So I read a story today about a married man and how 30 years later, he is still thinking of the one that got away. Now, I feel sorry for the wife...the loving wife of 30 years who never had her husbands undidvided love, adoration, heart and mind. I couldn't dream of being with someone knowing I had some unresolved feelings for another. This is why I guess I deleted everyone and my ad this morning. I can't follow through with just the mere thought of meeting someone, knowing that I have thoughts of H...still. I guess to spend a lifetime with someone...there should be in ones past, no stone left unturned. Every bridge should be burnt down to the ground. I would think its only the fair and right thing to do....What this man did do was horrible. He was not with the love of his life, as per his own lack of pursuit and he had managed to keep someone for 30 years of feeling the most ultimate love that could've been to her avail. In the end, everyone loses. I have to see where this goes, if he allows it. I won't hold back and I need to know, most of all, my heart needs to know. I am not one to look back...but in this case..something is not allowing me to move forward. I must acknowledge it...and see...accept the path of unknown territory, unknown discovery..and I must be brave. It's scary..but at the same time exciting..and I want the excitement in my life. I want the risk..the chance ..the exploration of the unknown...I don't know what he feels...but time will tell me...I trust his decision for us...I can put this in his hands for some reason..and I have to be patient for him and understand him better...if he allows it.....With every choice thats made...there is one possiblity that will always be left unkown...which is why I never made the choice to delete him. With thinking, there must be rational..with thinking..there has to be intuition..a gut feeling..and being a woman, I have always allowed my intuition to be my guide...then my rationality...and then my final decision....which would incorporate the idea that I've seen it to its dying moment........

Pictures..

With pictures, come memories..and today..as I was looking for H's picture on my computer..I realized that I must've accidentally deleted him. So I became upset. I know I just looked at it a few days ago. Went into the trash bin and nothing. Could this be a sign? So no more H. He's gone. A sign that it's totally over. Hard to accept of someone who I enjoyed tremendously..me, who hates everyone. So no more memories..no more of looking at that gorgeous face, those beautiful eyes. Gone, the same way he has deleted me from memory..I guess its the same way that his picture has deleted so much from mine. How do i do these things?

And Finally Vacation..

So the first day of my vacation is here. Nice to have slept in a bit..but there is so much that I need to do, so much that I want to do. I have been somewhat on an emotional rollercoaster. I just can't seem to put my finger on it..as it isn't really in me to be so caught up, so drained, so withdrawn. I really do feel as if I've had a dark, dismal cloud hanging over my head and it's now passing. I do believe in a lot of factors...the moon, the planets, the time of year..personal things. So after a trying week...Friday ending with this man at my job who did nothing but turn my stomach and had my nerves shot..may have returned. On Monday..I came out for lunch and there was a dead rose on my windshield..this now turned into to more drama..as my boss feels I need to get the police involved..I have not said a word to anyone in my family..as I know I would have to leave..so trusting my attorney best friend..I didn't do it..Now she was with me..when I went through what I went through..was the person called as I came to...so.. been there done that..and I will tell you now, talking to detectives and going through pictures is not a good thing...I don't have the stomach for it...I have been advised to lay low..he has not called..a sign of premeditaion or possession, whatever that means.. Time will tell. I hate men..I really do..nope..you don't understand..I really do.
So now its Sunday..my holiday..Palm Sunday..went to my sisters, what a horrible day. My girlfriend informed me that she was moving forever back to Pakistan. How I love her..we became like sisters..I felt as if I now had 6 sisters..what a perfect world that would be...her husband hated it here and left her to go back..she was devastated..had to take her daughter out of school..I felt horrible, told her I would pay her daughters tuition..to give me the child and let her be in school..made all arrangements and drove her daughter home after school..Her heart was bleeding that her husband had left..I knew I had to do what anyone would do..always be there for your girls...so she found a job...was happy and then..as fate would have it..he freakin calls..wants her to come home..give up life here. I rushed over. Told her she needs to go, to be with her husband..I cried..I will miss her sooo much. I took my necklace that I wear all of the time off from around my neck and put it around hers...I told her to keep it for me..as I know I'll see her again..I know the only way I'll see her is if I go to Pakistan..and I know I will see her again in this life..I just have to..I feel as if she will go home and have another child with her husband..I told her..a boy..and then I'll come...Its so strange the way that you can just meet someone so strangely..and the impact is so deep..the connection so strong..she couldn't stop crying..I couldn't stop crying...we laughed..about our tea moments..about the best way her mother in law should just die..how her mother in law should die in less than 2 years..no 2 months...no 2 days..nope..2 hours..and we laughed and cried...I know I will see her again..Sidra I love you and I will always wish you well..I know our paths will cross again..I will write to you as I promised..be well....and don't worry..she'll croak soon...
So with all of my drama..my search for a new H replacement..I do need to salvage my ME time...need some down time..would actually think of doing something I've never done in my entire life...but to go to the movie theatre..the one I went to with H..and just sit there by myself and watch a good movie..nothing relaxes me more...but I have never gone alone...and what company can I go with..if I have no patience for men...I just need to find someone nice....comforting..easy going..someone who is like H...that can do with me..what I enjoy most..watch a movie.........I swear..I don't ask for the big things in this life...