Happy Easter!
Wishing everyone a Blessed and Happy Easter! May the end of this season of Lent bring only the beginning of new changes and new happiness yet to unfold. Now about me..dying to let the world know..yep, spoke to H last night. After having such turmoil and such a wicked moment..which lasted for weeks within me...there is a light. So it must've been late..maybe 10ish..and i was exhausted..Now, I hate this computer..it gets me into too much trouble..Figuring I have this week off, thought it would be a good idea if I tried to date. I never date..dating sucks..meeting new men..hearing drama...eh, I'd rather be home..so I went on to check my messages...as I've been receiving so many..Now for every good one, there are 3 email fights that I get into. Now I am not one for games, not one for pettiness, not one for stupid comments. So if someone writes something stupid to me, yea I have to have the last word..I swear one day some of these men will pile into a chatroom to discuss my abrasive mouth and attitude and they'll probably all gang up to find me and kill me..So I log on..and like 5 minutes later, I see him. Now I was supposed to delete him..but I didn't have the heart to. So I see him..where did I get the strength and courage from..I don't know...but I im'ed him. I took the chance and he didn't make me feel foolish. I wanted to know if he hates me. I think I would die if he hated me..How did it get to this point...I don't know but I want to go back, rewind just a bit...now in life..through every contact, every relation..each dispute..whether big or small..either makes you or breaks you. I don't feel in my heart that we had something to break us...In life, we have to weigh the pros and cons..and if the pros outweigh the cons, then we move forward stronger in whatever relationship we have, whatever the level.
To get to the point..he seems as upset as I am...he is going to think if we can go to a movie together..now, I didn't want to push him. I'm rather gentle with him and I was too exhausted to type...I couldn't believe of all nights, I was sound asleep by midnight, something I couldn't do on a freakin weekday...So he will let me know..I guess either via email, via phone. Either which way, I can't and won't push him. I want him to make the decision..do the soul searching and pride swallowing that I have. I just said swallowing. I have to remember love is patient, love is kind. I have faith in him and I just feel that its not over. The good part about this..if he chooses, as it is a choice, to see me..will have to be the making up...I have to believe in him..believe in him that he will make the right decision for the 2 of us. He's the experienced one..and with experience comes wisdom. I'm trusting his wisdom and his experience to speak for me. I don't know..I just trust him.
and mind you..I trust no one, I have such o tolerance and patience for people. There is just something too comfortable, to secure with him...I don't know..but time will tell me. I have the time and I have the patience for him.
So to make my Easter even better..I received a shock of a phone call from Pakistan, from my dear Sidra. It was so good to hear from here. I miss her terribly and she is so in my thoughts, so in my heart. If I do speak with H..I can't wait to tell him...I have to show him all of the numbers so he can show me how to dial it. I miss her. Maybe if H is in my life, he can take me to Pakistan one day to see my friend. I know I'll see her again. Things are good with her and her husband and I'm very happy for her. She needed to be with him. No woman should be away from her husband.
So I read a story today about a married man and how 30 years later, he is still thinking of the one that got away. Now, I feel sorry for the wife...the loving wife of 30 years who never had her husbands undidvided love, adoration, heart and mind. I couldn't dream of being with someone knowing I had some unresolved feelings for another. This is why I guess I deleted everyone and my ad this morning. I can't follow through with just the mere thought of meeting someone, knowing that I have thoughts of H...still. I guess to spend a lifetime with someone...there should be in ones past, no stone left unturned. Every bridge should be burnt down to the ground. I would think its only the fair and right thing to do....What this man did do was horrible. He was not with the love of his life, as per his own lack of pursuit and he had managed to keep someone for 30 years of feeling the most ultimate love that could've been to her avail. In the end, everyone loses. I have to see where this goes, if he allows it. I won't hold back and I need to know, most of all, my heart needs to know. I am not one to look back...but in this case..something is not allowing me to move forward. I must acknowledge it...and see...accept the path of unknown territory, unknown discovery..and I must be brave. It's scary..but at the same time exciting..and I want the excitement in my life. I want the risk..the chance ..the exploration of the unknown...I don't know what he feels...but time will tell me...I trust his decision for us...I can put this in his hands for some reason..and I have to be patient for him and understand him better...if he allows it.....With every choice thats made...there is one possiblity that will always be left unkown...which is why I never made the choice to delete him. With thinking, there must be rational..with thinking..there has to be intuition..a gut feeling..and being a woman, I have always allowed my intuition to be my guide...then my rationality...and then my final decision....which would incorporate the idea that I've seen it to its dying moment........
To get to the point..he seems as upset as I am...he is going to think if we can go to a movie together..now, I didn't want to push him. I'm rather gentle with him and I was too exhausted to type...I couldn't believe of all nights, I was sound asleep by midnight, something I couldn't do on a freakin weekday...So he will let me know..I guess either via email, via phone. Either which way, I can't and won't push him. I want him to make the decision..do the soul searching and pride swallowing that I have. I just said swallowing. I have to remember love is patient, love is kind. I have faith in him and I just feel that its not over. The good part about this..if he chooses, as it is a choice, to see me..will have to be the making up...I have to believe in him..believe in him that he will make the right decision for the 2 of us. He's the experienced one..and with experience comes wisdom. I'm trusting his wisdom and his experience to speak for me. I don't know..I just trust him.
and mind you..I trust no one, I have such o tolerance and patience for people. There is just something too comfortable, to secure with him...I don't know..but time will tell me. I have the time and I have the patience for him.
So to make my Easter even better..I received a shock of a phone call from Pakistan, from my dear Sidra. It was so good to hear from here. I miss her terribly and she is so in my thoughts, so in my heart. If I do speak with H..I can't wait to tell him...I have to show him all of the numbers so he can show me how to dial it. I miss her. Maybe if H is in my life, he can take me to Pakistan one day to see my friend. I know I'll see her again. Things are good with her and her husband and I'm very happy for her. She needed to be with him. No woman should be away from her husband.
So I read a story today about a married man and how 30 years later, he is still thinking of the one that got away. Now, I feel sorry for the wife...the loving wife of 30 years who never had her husbands undidvided love, adoration, heart and mind. I couldn't dream of being with someone knowing I had some unresolved feelings for another. This is why I guess I deleted everyone and my ad this morning. I can't follow through with just the mere thought of meeting someone, knowing that I have thoughts of H...still. I guess to spend a lifetime with someone...there should be in ones past, no stone left unturned. Every bridge should be burnt down to the ground. I would think its only the fair and right thing to do....What this man did do was horrible. He was not with the love of his life, as per his own lack of pursuit and he had managed to keep someone for 30 years of feeling the most ultimate love that could've been to her avail. In the end, everyone loses. I have to see where this goes, if he allows it. I won't hold back and I need to know, most of all, my heart needs to know. I am not one to look back...but in this case..something is not allowing me to move forward. I must acknowledge it...and see...accept the path of unknown territory, unknown discovery..and I must be brave. It's scary..but at the same time exciting..and I want the excitement in my life. I want the risk..the chance ..the exploration of the unknown...I don't know what he feels...but time will tell me...I trust his decision for us...I can put this in his hands for some reason..and I have to be patient for him and understand him better...if he allows it.....With every choice thats made...there is one possiblity that will always be left unkown...which is why I never made the choice to delete him. With thinking, there must be rational..with thinking..there has to be intuition..a gut feeling..and being a woman, I have always allowed my intuition to be my guide...then my rationality...and then my final decision....which would incorporate the idea that I've seen it to its dying moment........
posted by vita86lover at 2:25 PM
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