The Final Curtain

Yep, this is it..my vacation has come to an end. It's over..on this morbid, rainy Sunday. All ready to go back..to return with only 2 months remaining before a much needed 2 month break, I can't wait. I know this summer will be different from the last few. I want a boyfriend, a nice boyfriend. I want his picture by my bed, in my heart shaped frame. I know, I'm a sap. So anyway, know I am not supposed to think or talk about it...and I know myself to well...when I've had it, I've had it and it's safe to say..I've had it. So of course I spent a beautiful day home..doing all of my last minute stuff...but then I received a phone call and 2 people died..so I had to frigin leave the house and go to the wake last night..all the way on the other side of Brooklyn. At around 4..I noticed H had logged on...this is where I feel like an international spy......because I can see him but he can't see me..hehe...what the hell was he doing home..why wasn't he with his bimbo date..the type of chick any man can have..but they choose not to....but my frigin H does....uggh..Face it, the only ones out there are the ones that no one wants...or the very select few as myself who has been either in hibernation for years...or walked away from a loveless relationship..other than that...only losers out there.
So I stopped by my girlfriends around the corner from the funeral home and I logged on there..he was home or maybe he had his lap top at his girls house and she needed to be home with her 10 kids...being that the welfare check didn't come in..she couldn't get the sitter..so with laptop in hand...he probably went there..Fuck you H....
So then I wanted to see the kids..as they had just gotten back from Florida...I love my nieces and nephews..how they drive my poor parents insane..but they love it...being a large family..you can't function without the chaos and the crying and the drama....it becomes too peaceful.

So he was on and I was leaving my music comments for my cuz...who lives in another country...i would pop on so the message could be visible and then i popped off again...I know he can't see me...and I have no desire to speak to him..When I get mad....watch out...I get mad.
What is there to say..the conversation would go like this....."Hey..wats up...I had a date..a 4th date..she was ok.....I had some sex here, I had sex there..I..I...I...other woman....other woman...other woman....sex for them....sex with them...and more sex with these degenerate fucking women that couldn't shine my fucking shoes.....and more sex with other women.....do I need to hear this???? do I?????...do I want to be hurt like this. It hurts, I won't lie..it frigin hurts....and he frigin knows it and he still does it.....not very mature...so why even bother..now I will never speak to him either on the computer or phone...I just have nothing to say...what can you say when the conversation is not about us anymore..but just other women....I just don't understand...he should've been like that from day one...because trust me, there wouldn't have been a day 2...I have no patience for games or just plain, downright mean hurtful things.
You know he's such a jerk...I told him that he reminded me of Elvis..he's go that sideburns thing going..so I asked him if he wanted to watch a video with me..and he said no..so why even bother..........With me, I'll ask only once....and then that's it...never ever agian...I'm sure if his nasy whatever asked him to watch some juan valdez crap, I'm sure he would...I don't even care......and then he tells me that Elvis was not hot..are u kidding me? Now, take it back...take it back now.....In this one video...he is so hot in his younger days......One of my all time Elvis songs..My Boy..which reminds me too much of my dad...My father would listen to it over and over and over and over again...loud.... We share the same passion for loud music and good music...we are like twins...too identical...in every way..shape and form.....but I wish I can be as strong as he is...I mad a little father video dedication of all of the songs that remind me of him. Whenever I get upset like this...I always look for strength and try to remember his strength...How did he cope..how did he deal...He always said he knew, waiting in that emergency room...he said he knew my brother was dead...and he knew they would come out and tell him...its almost 10 years now and he listened over and over and over....to a song that had a different meaning for him in the 70's...now held a different feeling so many years later....How my dad loved Elvis....he needed strength..where did he get it from...my mother was useless to him...way too weak...but how did he do it..how was he strength for all of us...always...then with me, how did he deal...I knew his insides turned...I could see the tears in his eyes...to look into your fathers eyes..it should be to see happiness for you...
I would never want to hurt anyone...I would rather bow out gracefully and walk away silently....but when does my hurt end, does it end, will it ever end.....I hate to say it.....but it was best living these last few years, completely gutted out inside...completely withdrawn..living life for only my family...and I want it this way..there are too many mean people in this life..to many bad men....and I don't want that.....I need safey and security that only one man ever gave to all of us.... And until I find someone along the same lines...I will choose to not give my heart....or my soul...or my mind..to anyone less...I know I tried...I have nothing else to give...He couldn't love me the way I need a man to love me....All I know, is that I don't want to walk around with my fists ready to go all of the time...There has to be a time, where I can just put them down...even if its just for a little while....I'm tired. just tired...