Control....

So if it's one thing I'm learning, it's self control. I am learning to balance, once again. Now, I do work a lot. Work takes up so much of my time, I also tend to clean way too much, above the norm, which is kinda annoying, but what can I do....My mother always said, the best way for a man to trap a woman for life is to build a big house...or buy. I totally understand, as a woman, the house traps you. It keeps you there until everything is done. My dad is that man man type of a man, the one who is in control. With 3 daughters, I guess it was safe to say, eh, he had the control. If there is one man in life that you can count on, its your dad. Your dad is the only man who never lets you down. So my twisted way of looking at things in life, is...I don't need a man...I have a dad. So my twisted outlook for the past few years has always been, if he is not my dad, then I don't need him..daddy gives me everything, moral support, makes all the decisions, pre orders my tires, checks my oil, buys the cars, pays the bills, buys the houses..in control, responsible..takes control...has yet to ever let you down...always comes through...remembers every birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas, he just knows...knows you're broken, knows what he has to do...fusses over you and even tells you when you have to lose those few extra pounds..my poor sisters...so now..this is what I'm facing...I've met a man..who drives like my dad, knows every little street in the city..all of the ins and outs..someone who I am not watching and telling how to drive, an in control man. Their similarities are way too the same, so freakin scary..the way my dad just walks in the house...gives me that special bagel, candy bar, or cashews.. or whatever that he stopped for on the way home, without even my asking..he just does these things....So these men are way too similar...H, even though he may not show it yet, is a control freak..he freakin has that need to dictate terms, dictate the time to leave..the whole nine yards..now about daddy, leaving the house with 3 daughters and a wife..was brutal..how was he always waiting in that car so patiently...annoyed beyond comprehension, but so patient...as the college years came, we used to have to run to catch that ride...his patience grew thin...and he would just keep edging further and further down our street...only for me to get in the car..crying..then he has no choice but to pull over..get out..open the trunk and get me tissues...where do men like this come from...the same place...a place where they enjoy being in control...leading a life that brought that out more and more in him...the control has to be shared..to the point where its understood...like my mom, for example, she plays the role, lets him be the boss...with that..he becomes so solid...he's true to his own self...when you are completely yourself in life..not afraid to share who you really are with someone, understanding that yea, it works, its who you are, who you need to grow deeper into down the road...the path becomes more clear. So now..eh, I'm learning, I'm seeing the patterns...If H, doesn't make his way back home to me..I learned..I learned I need to be true to myself...I've learned that there are men like daddy out there...men who rise to the occassion if given the opportunity, men who are not afraid to be true to thy self...I've learned that I don't have to be so set in my ways of thinking..that no man is better than daddy...just similar....the control thing is that important...its what you realize you're used to...After going through many years of my life, the patterns are there..now after only keeping company with 1 man my entire life up until now...I realize, holy shit, he was just like my dad..he really did have my back...he took care of me and now I understand after so many years of not even seeing or hearing from the ex, I understand now, when he told me that he needed to stay with me, he always used to say, if he only left me...."You have no idea what man would come into your life....you can never understand what men are really like..if I left you, you'd be ruined..." and now after all of these years, I now understand what he means.....H scares the shit out of me...it is so much easier to just end things now and stay in this house by myself but after so many years...I want so much to live...so many things that I want to do but I'm just too frightened to do it alone....I don't even know how or where to start...could he understand..or is he the man who can destroy me, the one my ex kept me so hard away from for years...I don't know...I just don't know...what I do know, is everyone around me is so protective of me...for everything that I've been through, I would have to say, it killed daddy the most....I feel horrible that he had to know...horrible that he was told, horrible that he lost it...horrible that only up to last year I was still tying a scarf around my neck everyday...to just try to hide the mark, the ugliness of that nasty doo rag that I was strangled with...I have come so far...no more scarves....starting to see the light..but why I am I so relaxed....so free with this man..how am I like this...am I starved for love, for attention...or am I drawn to the control, the safety he's giving me that only one man, my dad, was ever capable of providing for me...I don't know...I must think...must slow down....I have to be careful...I have too much to lose....

Little things.....

So I'm doing much better. H, darling, you are so in my head and my heart..how I miss you..you spoiled me so much here...and now to be without you, yea its difficult. I don't like to view myself as selfish..so I'm okay..thank God I have the week from hell this week at work. I am very busy...I have too much riding on this week, too many things going into effect..everything must fall into place....from now straight until Friday night...So work is good. So I gave my boss a sweet little gift this morning...that I had no idea would have been so appreciated ever....made me really wonder...have you not ever received anything before?? Now, my boss..ugh has always received unbelievable gifts...so I couldn't understand the drama over mine...no occassion or anything....I'm just a giving person...my mother always said, "If you always give, you'll always receive" So yea, I'm the type if I see something and it makes me think of you..yeah I get it for you..for no special reason. My circle is very small...the way I like it...can't stand people...so the ones close to me are real close...so the little things..I must say..I guess, as my boss, I do appreciate the small things more in life...now don't get me wrong....I love big, expensive things..but, eh, was never top on my list of priorities...I love good quality stuff....love jewelry...of course..bags and shoes..such a weakness..but I must say..when it comes to shopping..I get bored...I'd rather spend quality moments doing something for myself or being in good company....Like for the last month, I've realized that my most happiest moments were doing the simple things...like watching an amazing movie with ugh, this man who has me besides myself....walking with him..with my arm in his arm...or just driving with him...god, how I never wanted those moments to end...so let me see, if I had to choose between shopping for that great big Louie travel size that I really need replaced...umm, I would choose, the simple...the good company of this man I adore, watching a movie so close to me..sorry Louie, I love you, your straps, your beautiful smell of fine leather, your shape, your huge size really turns me on....the way you fit me so well...but I want the other one more than you...and I must say, he does smell just a little bit better than you...So I never really thought about it..but I guess my boss really made me acknowledge this..the small things..its the little things that we do for each other that just means so much..so get off your ass, and just do what takes so little out of us..to just make a world of a difference to someone...its what life is about..there is too much hatred and coldness to not do it..I love being on the other side...killing everyone with my kindness...unless if you fuck with me..then you're going down...So after work, I rushed to my dear girlfriends house...she was hysterical...in a way I've never seen her before...she has a huge something in her breast..the right one...ugh...I was drained..how it pained me to have to see her like this. This is my girl....I love her dearly...and now this? She has 2 daughters, not fair...so I had to be strong..told her we will deal with this...I will pull her through...but I don't want it to be you know what...it can't...it just can't...so Bets...how I love you, you will never know...how I value you...you will be fine...you have to...we will get through this, as we did with your open heart surgery..I will be there for the girls...its done...you will be better than fine again...you have to be......I don't want this for you...It's not going to happen...it won't...you'll see....I love you Nappo, you my nigga!

Lonely Again..

So its been good few days...I am really feeling this distance thing...I hate it...I can't believe he will be away from me this long...this sucks, it really freakin sucks..I realize now what I absolutely love the most about him. He pays so much attention to me. Okay, I just may be a bit spoiled. But one thing I have to say, from young, I have always responded better to those who gave me lots of attention, affection, phone calls, time, etc. I know some girls may find this annoying..but I never did..the ex was pretty much up my ass, now that I think about it...and now I have to say, I can understand what made me fall for this man who is so far from me...the endless attention he showers me with. This mixed with his sweet words is more than enough to make me absolutely nuts, insane for him. So I hate people, never was one for attention from others..spent the last 20yrs getting unwarranted attention and I guess, when you're used to be honked at, screamed at on the street, whistled at by men..your whole life..eh, it becomes no big deal...when I was young, oh my tight jeans...this ass crashed his car into another car..yea I felt bad..but it wasn't my fault...so yeah, being pulled over...cars slowing down to drive at the same speed you're going, just for some jerk to try to flirt..eh, never worked for me....never did a thing for me...never bothered..it was always there...what I do crave is the undidvided attention from the one man who has me..who has captured my attention..who has my full attention...so I'm missing him, missing the attention...missing his attention....God, I hope he continues to give it to me the way he does....... or else that would be the 1 thing that would leave me lonely...my need for his attention....God, I miss him....

A Week Ago........

To think, a week ago we were in bed together all night...he finally slept from 5 to 8...and then that was it..oh the bliss...the pleasure, the joy of being with a man so in control...so in control of me...how I loved him for coming for me..my task was to drive out to Long Island...yuk..Long Island sucks....what made him come to me instead, I don't know...we had dinner together..he bought a movie that I had been dying to see...a night I never wanted to end..and now..now he is so far from me..he is still sleeping, with a 10 hour time difference betwwen us, baby I'm trying to stay up for you but I am exhausted..absolutely exhausted...so I figured I'd write. Writing is so good..I'm so free when I write..and how I love to talk about you...it makes me feel so close to you as you're so far from me...Darling. I wonder about so many things..how he has just invaded my life and has me out of my mind like this...I can't take this trip..I want him here..with me..in bed with me..I can't help but wonder if he'd meet a nice Muslim girl there....I'm Roman Catholic..I don't care..I don't want to lose him...not now, not ever. His ex was Catholic, still clueless about what happened there..was she good to him..was she hot, like a super model..was she everything he wanted and needed in this life..I can't help but wonder..She is also from Westchester..and let me tell you, there is a tremendous world of difference between chicks from Westchester and chicks from Brooklyn...ask anyone...I heard someone in the store say"My wife is originally from Brooklyn"..need he say more...it's just something that is so different, can't explain..I can't help but feel eh..what was she like, why did they break up....who would leave such a species..such a gentle, yet controlling man..how he punishes me, without even realizing I know what he's up to..if it's anything I learned all week, umm, it's stop whatever I'm doing and take his call...which is usually what I do..it was jsut once, the freakin cops, how I can't stand them, were 2 cars from me...Darling...it was them, not me...how I miss you...come home to me...I need you...no more previews...Goodnight Darling...mmwwwaaa

That's It..I've had it...........

I'm quitting my job...why procrastinate the inevitable..I am so sick, so disgusted, so grossed out.......this freakin psycho....with camera in hand...once freakin again....takes my picture....how I hate her...how I don't even look her way, no eye contact..no good morning...NOTHING....
And I know I can be a real prick...I'll say good morning to everyone but you...you can be within a 2ft radius..talking to the person who gets a good morning from me and yea...I'll just walk right away...making you feel like the piece of garbage that you really are....so this picture..freakin nine o'clock in the freakin morning..can she get away from me..I've documented and logged my complaint..even spoke to my attorney friend who swears this is far from over..says she has a shrine of my pictures...buried in the back of her closet...what does she want with me..why can't I be left alone...this will get dangerous....and I need to bolt...the most important thing in my whole fucking life is my safety...I avoid everyone...all people at all cost...never put myself in the line of fire...don't keep company with people unless I am guaranteed that level of safety that I need...and now..at my own freakin job...a woman none the less...I can't cope...I can't deal...I am going to the nearest cave with wireless access and I will stay there....this is how I feel...I want nothing...nothing at all...but my safety....I want people far away from me....what is she doing with my picture...I hate to be messed with...so as all of her sick and twisted actions have been officially documented for my protection..I added this one today...held my stomach and told my boss that I am through..I want out..I want my peace...she won'tl et me go...I'm the better worker, better person of course...but I don't know what to do..let me tell you something...I am not a picture person to begin with.....the one on here from August, I believe..was taken right before this summer, '06, last actual picture I took was during the holiday time with my family...before that...it was September, when I was a judge, in a gown..for the Italian Federation...and had to sit on the panel with all of the others to judge a competition slash pageant.....that's it...no freakin pictures here...I've had it...I'm still so upset..so annoyed..so grossed out....feel the need to just puke..this is how sick I get over this creepy stuff...she is creeping me out...so when she took the picture...of me by myself....I glance and would you believe....this bitch is wearing my necklace...a necklace I received as a gift from one of our big, big bosses...where the hell did she get it from...so I went to the boss...who of course, could not believe she had that same medallion piece...which is a very rare cross of crosses...I can't believe...and I can't even begin to tell you how I felt...big, big, boss gave it to me..told me to wear it...it'll keep the evil away because she knows this freakin loony just doesn't stay away from me...how freakin ironic...here I wear it all of the time...and now..the one who its supposed to protect me from...is wearing the same freakin cross....I can't...I just can't..................I'm sick....Talking to daddy tomorrow....daddy always tells me what to do...thank god.........why didn't I listen to him when he told me the first time to bolt....this is too sick for me.............I need my peace..............I hate people...I just hate people....go by makeup..go dye all of those disgusting grays..buy some new clothes..buy some boobs for Christ's sake...do something...look into wearing contacts...do something to improve your pathetic self...just get the hell away from me..you twisted...ugly sick broad.........................

Empty............

So up until recently, my cup was so full...now its empty....not even a drop....he's gone. Easily flying now for the last 9 hours with about 9 more to go. Darling, you must be so uncomfortable and irritable by now. I miss you like you can't even imagine...It's has only been a few hours, but I can feel the distance. This is so unfair to me. We just met...it has been the best month of my entire life and now it has to end...not fair! I wish we had known each other just a few months longer, then being away from you for this long probably wouldn't be this difficult....so I need to fill my time with positive things...going to do some work now....going to work, since yeah, I've been slacking since you've walked into my life....going to do what I do best...work and then work some more. Can't believe I've allowed my emotions to get the best of me....what the hell was I thinking....I need no one......people, stay away...........Darling...I hope you are well....I miss you...come home to me soon, I'll be waiting for you.....mmwwwaaa.

Dating Sucks....

So this is it...my beautiful hunk of a man must leave me....for a little more than 2 weeks....Will I die? I feel like it. Why must he leave? How can he leave me like this? This is all so new, so fresh...and now I must hit the pause button....I don't like the pause button....I like for my movies to just play out, love the happy endings. Uggh, I am trying to be so cool, cool is hard. I have to act as if I'm not phased and that I can deal with this...there is just this thing about distance. I know I will feel him further and further from me. He will be in another country, a country that has girls, yuk. So tonight he tells me that he will meet with a woman there to perhaps go to a movie with. So of course, I must state that I'm thrilled at the very thought...... NOT. What can I do, this is what he wants. So now he tells me that since he'll be away, it would be just fine if I was to date another man. Now, I'm kinda confused. See, I'm not that whorish type...the last date I went on was about 1 month before meeting my dream man. It was one date...a friendly date, no chemistry, sparks, no level of comfort to that degree...we had spoken just about everyday for one month straight prior to meeting up. ....before that...must say...uuugh...long, long time...no one......not even a casual date.....had to fix myself by myself.....connecting to someone is difficult...its freakin hard...either its there or it isnt. Nothing can be forced...it has to be natural. Now for starters, I hate people..I have o tolerance for people, especially men, because they're all full of shit...so now he wants me to go out with someone...now is he serious, or feeling me out...I don't know...see, I'm not a game player...just a straight shooter....if I love you..I'll tell you everyday I love you...you'll just know. I f I can't stand you..wouldn't even give you the time of day...trust me when I tell you that you will know, there will not be one ounce of doubt surrounding your thoughts about it. I am that clear, communication has always been a very important thing for me...I need to be straight up...to the point..don't bullshit around it...because I'm not like that...I'll tell you straight out...So now, I can't understand if he wants me to date someone while he's away because he wants to go there and be so free and he knows he's not coming back for me, so I'm scared...I want him..and only him...hell, I haven't dated in so freakin long and now...I'm going to date someone during 2 weeks?? Ummm, I don't think so, not happening. So I adore him...but if he is trying to tell me that he's not coming home to me...why can't he just tell me...if I know that this is what he wants..then I'd know...but I certainly won't be running out the door to date someone new...uuggh..I need a break. But if he's testing me...umm, I will be annoyed because I think he should know that I'm totally straight forward...I haven't told him that I'm absolutely nuts for him and I can't get him out of my head for a second..but I'm most certain, he has to know..he just has to..its so freakin obvious. I slept with this man after 1 month of knowing him...something I've never in my entire life ever did. So does he want me to date...is he trying to nicely tell me its over...I don't know...I am certainly, even if its over for him, not dating for a looonnnggg time. I'm to busy right now..dating sucks..I skeeve everything and everyone under the sun...I'm quite neurotic...think everyone has germs and diseases...So darling, how I will miss you...in my heart, I want you to come home to me..get off that plane and come to me...throw those arms around me, embrace me with the tightest hug that tells me that you missed me too...and then...and then...give me what you know I want...you for the next 70 hours or so....of just being with me...the whole movie, no preview....what can I do...time will tell me...in time...it will unfold...I have patience...patience for this man..the one I'm so in love with...so taken with............the one I adore...how did I allow this to happen..

One More Person...

So I go to work today...what a completely annoying Monday....a bland Monday where one would rather be home...sleeping in, with only thoughts of one person...or better yet, sleeping in with that one person right next to them...So yeah, a retrded, hectic Monday. Now, I always tend to be dressed of course, makeup on and hair slicked back and up, in total bitch mode. Now today was quite different though. So a certain colleague, as soon as I walk through the door, is staring me down. Tells me I look fantastic..that I'm glowing. Wants to know why I look so happy...so now..uggghhh..I pause from my bitch mode...and I begin to blush....my God, does it show...so of course, I start to ask questions, something I'm very well known for doing....I said, "What are you talking about, how am I different, why do I usually look like shit? So she tells me "Uuuh...no, you know you always look good....but something is different...you are glowing...your whole face is lit up" With that, I responded, "Whatever, I gotta run"....and I took off....not knowing that I would be told the same thing throughout the rest of the short day by easily 20 others...from 8 until 11:30....total abuse.......so what the hell is going on...God, how I just wanted to burst...but what would I look like? Me, Ms. Hardass, get off my fucking path.....what would people think if I told them I"m absolutely nuts for someone...am I supposed to be? I'm a workaholic..I don't have time for this in my life...I can't lose ground, lose control.....I can't turn back now into total mush...I spent so much time toughening up....So for the remainder of the day...I was subjected to compliment after compliment...why are all eyes always on me...It becomes quite annoying...but there are way too many who are just too focused on me. I've always known it, and I guess I'm guilty..because I do play the role...new bag today...different jacket every other day...I do this because its expected from me...becomes annoying..but what can I do....there is always that one person that everyone looks to...in only 3 different atmospheres within the same career..I'm always that person. So I took this all in..thought about my sweet as sugar, gentle soul all day...as hectic as my day was....secretly cursed him out for making me a wimp...for making me blush like this in front of people that I am so strong for....I'm the strong one.....I guess I need someone strong for me...someone stronger than me that can allow me to just stop.....to just stop....aaah...breathe..and just go back to being who I truly am for just that moment...the one who I can just release with and have all defenses down for.....God, H......I'm catching flack for this...what did you do to me...........I have to toughen up on toughening up................uuuggghh colleagues..but I love them...update on psycho bitch from work....40 minutes late today...2 absences, back to back....Thursday and Friday...how pathetic can someone be....Who gets a fever..I had a fever easily 12 yrs ago...I detest wimpy people with no freakin spine.....Boss was beyond pissed....and I'm no better, just shrugged my shoulders and said "This is where I love to just keep my mouth shut...I have the termination letter prepared... as usual, just let me know when..." Call me bitter, but don't watch me, loser.....do your job......stay the hell away from me.....especially now.....when I just want to sit and blush all day....and savor every single moment and memory of him, while he's still with me.......so close to me....before he leaves me.............

Day Dreamer...

What am I going to do? How did I allow this to happen? So we kissed and made up. How I adore this man to no end. I never thought it could be possible to be so taken by someone. Never have I ever felt so comfortable with someone my entire life. I have fallen so deeply for him and I don't know what to do. I am trying so hard to be cool and somewhat in control of myself, but I can't. After spending the night together, I am just day dreaming..this is not good for me. I can't get him out of my sight, out of my head for a minute. I have the biggest smile on my face and I can't help but feel guilty. I feel so guilty feeling this amount of happiness. I feel as if I'm not entitled to it..I shouldn't have it. How can someone be so perfect. How I just stare at him in complete awe..sometimes I'm not even listening to him, just staring at him and lisening to that sexy voice that drives me insane....he would give me a D for not paying attention and for being so sappy... He has melted away so much from me that he could never ever understand. I am so myself with him that it frightens me to death. So myself, no tough skin, no tough attitude, all of my defenses are down. I am never my true self around people, there is always a wall. My tough fake wall automatically kicks in. With him, I'm 20 again...nice, sweet, able to laugh, soft, not afraid of being my true self by nature. With every kiss, he breaths oxygen into me..making me come alive, minute by minute...Every minute, I get closer to him...more comfortable with him....How did I allow this to happen....I made a deal that I need no one...I would never fall for someone....I've chosen to be alone forever...living in my safe little world. How dare he come along and pull me out of it. He has some nerve, saving my soul like this.....taking my soul and making me all his...but can he be all mine.....never...he's leaving me now for 2 weeks...how I will miss him....every inch of him....what do I do....he has to stay out of my head and out of my heart. Maybe he'll meet someone...maybe he'll fall in love as I have...and I won't have to worry about the way I'm feeling. Maybe I should force myself to date someone during these 2 weeks..make myself interested in someone......so when he returns....I'll be over him and he can live his life the way he wants to and I won't be a mess like this. But this would be difficult.....as I hate people...don't have time nor patience for people, especially men. Who could possibly be like him...so perfect..so intune with everything I crave in this life...so intune with all of my most hidden and secret thoughts...how does he say the things he says...it's as if he's able to read my heart and my mind...my soul. Maybe I need to just let things happen with him...be brave..show him I'm not affected by all of the other women he wants to love...when deep down inside eh, I'll end up hurt. I want him to be happy...even if it means that I would be miserable...I am too happy when I'm with him, I never want it to end...I want to be in bed with him, all day and all night....how can I tell if he feels the same................Oh God, I need to run away..........Darling...stop giving me so much...you're making me want more and more with each moment...this is so wrong for us....

Saturday Night...

So it's Saturday night and I am home. I woke up around noonish...and from there on, I tried to successfully complete all of my usual Saturday stuff. I went to the supermarket, I cooked, did laundry, pressed my clothes, cleaned and cleaned again. But oh God, how he is so in my head, so in my brain. How did I allow this to happen? All I could think about is what we would be doing together while we are away...just lazing around in bed, being silly, talking...cuddling, watching a movie, with his huge arms around me...his huge body wrapped around mine, I would be curling the bottom of my hair. So I made it through the day up until now...I cracked...I folded. I just called him. Yep, it went right to voicemail...I think he might have a girlfriend. So I left a message asking him to call me, as I do need my ring and my movie....I wonder if he's going to call me back...I wonder what he's thinking...I wonder how he's feeling. Maybe he's fine, maybe he's on a date with a girl with bigger boobs...longer hair....maybe he made weekend plans with someone else....I don't know...all I do know is....... I miss him, miss his touch, his beautiful hands all over me, his voice, his big chest....I miss HIM.....everything about him, his smell.....his beautiful eyes, that gorgeous face...but I must stick to my guns here....I do know that I need to see him this one last time...I need to see that face....and you know what, if I fold, I don't care, if all of my clothes come off in 2 minutes, I don't care...I know it may sound wrong...but this has to end...I want him to be free...he wants his freedom...if he wants his freedom, then why did he want to spend the whole weekend with me....why is he dating me...I'm so freakin confused...I just don't understand him and I don't want to ask either...because then, I'd look needy...and I'm not fucking needy....I need no one......it's best just to end things....ugh, men....can't live with them, can't live without them....Darling, I miss you terribly.....you'll never know....

Survival....

So my first night without him on this 3 day weekend. At this time, we would've been in a hotel room, with his body next to mine. Instead, I just want to choke myself. So I t0ok a nice long hot relaxing bath, played a bit on the computer, talked to my girls and my mom of course, who also agrees that I'm nuts. I just feel that I did the right thing for myself, of course its difficult and yeah, I miss him like crazy, oh God, real bad, but I've made a choice and I must stick to my guns. He has my ring and a movie of mine....I wonder if he will be willing to mail it to me, because if I only see him, I'll grow weak and may fold. He is just that sexy and sooo cute. There is just something about dark men that drives me nuts, completely insane. Paki guys are just way too sexy for their own good. What am I going to do...and did I mention his build, so tall, so frigin built. I love a solid man, good physique. So I'm surviving. It was such a gorgeous night. I went for a nice walk, tried to clear my mind of him. It's hard, but what isn't? So just a few more days and I think I'll be in the clear. I really hope to not hear from him regarding my stuff...why the hell did my ring fall off that night, yeah, I remember why....but why did I forget it, ugh, never a dull moment...too much never ending drama for me....Darling, I miss you terribly, I do wish so badly to be lying in bed with you....but I know this is the best thing for the 2 of us....or should I say, for me.....

The 'Freakin' Weekend

So as the weekend is quickly approaching, my new and fantastic lover wants me to spend the weekend with him from Friday night. How I adore this man, I can't comprehend. So yes, you guessed it, I cut him lose, put him out of his misery or should I say, misery soon to mine. How can I escape with him for the weekend when I know I'm falling so in love with him. So I question my big girl view, you know, the fuck the destination, enjoy the journey philosophy. But it's just not working. I must remain single. I must be free. I must be alone. I must not be made miserable by some man. I can hold my own. I have to stick to my laid out plan for myself. If I only continue with him, I know all of these things will fade and I'd want more. He can't give me more...I know where his head is at now....well, he stated it from the beginning...we haven't discussed it further..eh, I'm not one to bring things up...what am I going to do, tell him I'm falling in love with him and I want him so badly every night in my bed...and then pester to see if he will be with me for sometime?...I think not, it's easier for me to walk...or should I say, run now. I want him to be free...how I adore him, such a hunk of a man...the epitome of man....so big, so huge, so full of life...but I had to...freakin weekend...you made me hit the panic button....it would be for me, the weekend of no return..so eh, call me weird, I'd rather avoid it...oh God, H, this is so hard for me...I miss you so much, your mouth...your laugh..your voice...I have to be strong here...Love sucks, love is for losers....So this weekend, I will relax, listen to my CD's that allow me to think of him, I will drink my tea, get into a good book...wash my truck...armorall the whole thing, blog my heart out..and then I'll be fine. I'm a tough cookie....Men suck...how dare he be so perfect.....what was he thinking....so darling...I am so taken by you...so in love with every inch of you....but I must go...I can't take the chance....I have to stick to my life plans....which are all only about me...but it was nice, good.....sensational.....you will be with me always.....V

Bliss...

So we've been out several times. I don't think I can think of a time when I've felt so free, so comfortable with a man. I don't think a man like this comes along often in life. Someone who you click with, someone who you just want to be with all day long...whether you're speaking or not, watching a movie, or just being with him, with my head rested on his chest listening to the same music we both enjoy. I feel as if I don't even need to say a word, its as if he can read my mind and my heart. So I am enjoying him terribly but, of course there has to be a but. What do you do and how can you explain to someone that the way you feel with them is too good, too good to be true. The way he touches, the way he feels, the way he speaks, makes me melt...After being with a man for 14 yrs, I can't ever remember feeling once with him the way this sex god makes me feel. The way he speaks, so gently, his actions, his energy. So getting back to the but.....but I think I can't have him for keeps. He has just ended a 7 yr. relationship and is not looking for anything serious...and I, of course, was not looking for marriage, a date, anything..not too long ago...but after meeting H, I have to say, everything goes right out the window. What do I do..as each moment goes by, I grow closer and closer to him...what do I do, as I know he wants nothing deeper, nothing more...no relationship...do I stay and enjoy the ride or bolt before it becomes harder. I care for him too much to state a word of this to him..as I don't want to change or alter his chosen path and then be cursed for it...God, H, where were you for the last 5 years when all I did was pray for you to come....Now, you're here but its not for keeps....I can't get you out of my head for a minute...but I also don't want to ruin your life...I think I need to go....