Control....

So if it's one thing I'm learning, it's self control. I am learning to balance, once again. Now, I do work a lot. Work takes up so much of my time, I also tend to clean way too much, above the norm, which is kinda annoying, but what can I do....My mother always said, the best way for a man to trap a woman for life is to build a big house...or buy. I totally understand, as a woman, the house traps you. It keeps you there until everything is done. My dad is that man man type of a man, the one who is in control. With 3 daughters, I guess it was safe to say, eh, he had the control. If there is one man in life that you can count on, its your dad. Your dad is the only man who never lets you down. So my twisted way of looking at things in life, is...I don't need a man...I have a dad. So my twisted outlook for the past few years has always been, if he is not my dad, then I don't need him..daddy gives me everything, moral support, makes all the decisions, pre orders my tires, checks my oil, buys the cars, pays the bills, buys the houses..in control, responsible..takes control...has yet to ever let you down...always comes through...remembers every birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas, he just knows...knows you're broken, knows what he has to do...fusses over you and even tells you when you have to lose those few extra pounds..my poor sisters...so now..this is what I'm facing...I've met a man..who drives like my dad, knows every little street in the city..all of the ins and outs..someone who I am not watching and telling how to drive, an in control man. Their similarities are way too the same, so freakin scary..the way my dad just walks in the house...gives me that special bagel, candy bar, or cashews.. or whatever that he stopped for on the way home, without even my asking..he just does these things....So these men are way too similar...H, even though he may not show it yet, is a control freak..he freakin has that need to dictate terms, dictate the time to leave..the whole nine yards..now about daddy, leaving the house with 3 daughters and a wife..was brutal..how was he always waiting in that car so patiently...annoyed beyond comprehension, but so patient...as the college years came, we used to have to run to catch that ride...his patience grew thin...and he would just keep edging further and further down our street...only for me to get in the car..crying..then he has no choice but to pull over..get out..open the trunk and get me tissues...where do men like this come from...the same place...a place where they enjoy being in control...leading a life that brought that out more and more in him...the control has to be shared..to the point where its understood...like my mom, for example, she plays the role, lets him be the boss...with that..he becomes so solid...he's true to his own self...when you are completely yourself in life..not afraid to share who you really are with someone, understanding that yea, it works, its who you are, who you need to grow deeper into down the road...the path becomes more clear. So now..eh, I'm learning, I'm seeing the patterns...If H, doesn't make his way back home to me..I learned..I learned I need to be true to myself...I've learned that there are men like daddy out there...men who rise to the occassion if given the opportunity, men who are not afraid to be true to thy self...I've learned that I don't have to be so set in my ways of thinking..that no man is better than daddy...just similar....the control thing is that important...its what you realize you're used to...After going through many years of my life, the patterns are there..now after only keeping company with 1 man my entire life up until now...I realize, holy shit, he was just like my dad..he really did have my back...he took care of me and now I understand after so many years of not even seeing or hearing from the ex, I understand now, when he told me that he needed to stay with me, he always used to say, if he only left me...."You have no idea what man would come into your life....you can never understand what men are really like..if I left you, you'd be ruined..." and now after all of these years, I now understand what he means.....H scares the shit out of me...it is so much easier to just end things now and stay in this house by myself but after so many years...I want so much to live...so many things that I want to do but I'm just too frightened to do it alone....I don't even know how or where to start...could he understand..or is he the man who can destroy me, the one my ex kept me so hard away from for years...I don't know...I just don't know...what I do know, is everyone around me is so protective of me...for everything that I've been through, I would have to say, it killed daddy the most....I feel horrible that he had to know...horrible that he was told, horrible that he lost it...horrible that only up to last year I was still tying a scarf around my neck everyday...to just try to hide the mark, the ugliness of that nasty doo rag that I was strangled with...I have come so far...no more scarves....starting to see the light..but why I am I so relaxed....so free with this man..how am I like this...am I starved for love, for attention...or am I drawn to the control, the safety he's giving me that only one man, my dad, was ever capable of providing for me...I don't know...I must think...must slow down....I have to be careful...I have too much to lose....