Stalker Returns?

So I haven't been myself, too much going on. I now feel better, well not really, but it's time to return to my writing, something I don't like to feel withdrawn from. So I'm back and regarding the few emails I received, thanks for the support. I still miss him and nope, nothing still. Safe to say he doesn't miss me or think of me, as I do him. But I did put myself back on the market, one man's garbage is another man's treasure. Just can't understand that when someone claims to be "nice", how is it possible to not even end with a..."sorry things ended this way, you're not one of those trashy bimbo's I'm used to meeting in a club, and even though those are the one's that I do give my total respect and honor to, I would just like to wish you well." That to me, would be the decent thing to do. Nice girls really do finish last, never mind finishing last, nice girls never finish at all today. Dating in this decade is so not for me. It sucks, where are the cowboys, that treat the nice ones nice and the bad ones bad? Anyway, enough said. I don't want date anyone.

Looking forward to having 10 days off. 10 days which will be spent forgetting him as he's forgotten me. I'm just scared rght now, really have the need to feel safe with a man. Speaking of safe, I came face to face with my secret admirer, note leaving stalker or whatever you want to refer to him as. It was a hectic week. Spent Wednesday and today out of my usual building. Left midday and went elsewhere. So today, upon my arrival, with my car stopped directly in front of the door to my building, jumped out at about 2:40 just to give something to my boss. Was dying to just come home, as usual. How I love being home. Wished her a good weekend, ran out, swear to Jesus I saw no one, but then again, I really don't pay attention. Blew my hair out last night, knew I was going to be elsewhere, wanted to look nice, had my hair out, my great big sunglasses on, long sweater, heels of course and jumped in the truck, turned the key and at the same time- there he was, banging on my passenger window. I swear, I almost died. I rolled down the window, he asked me my name. I responded, thinking it was work related. He said, "don't be scared, don't be scared", now I'm scared....
Okay, so I'm tough but deep down inside, I'm scared, scared of men. Eh, women- NOT, I will totally mess you up. Men, men frighten me to death. He tells me that he has been watching me, watching me for months, said he knows I work here, said he even saw me with the children at a place 2 blocks away. I started to freak inside..what if he would've approached me then or said or did something...I'm responsible for others..what happens if they have to witness something where they may now be at risk of being left alone or taken from me because this man needs to have my insides shaken like this? Is he serious?
So I asked if he lived on the street, where did you see me? He tells me he drives past my building everyday to see me. Said he has been wanting to stop me for months. Knows that I am working here for years. Said he likes me and thinks that I am the most beautiful person he has ever seen. Is he fucking blind. My hair is slicked and pulled back about 95% of the time. I dress with an attitude that says "fuck off", go away and my posture wreaks the same. So I'm trapped now, in my car, his head through my window, god, I didn't even look to see if my doors were locked. So now I asked him if he was the one to leave the note on my windshield about a month or so ago...He said NO...but I think its him..God, don't tell me there's another one..its too freaky..Now there was a very large mini bus parked infront of me...so I couldn't see maybe to two cars ahead of me...He tells me he was driving down the street and saw me walking out of the building and pulled his car in and ran over to mine...Now its too weird, because I walked out and a mere 30 feet away was my car. Don't think he had enough time and how did I not notice that his car, a silver lexus....had time to pull in..for him to jump out and be by my window...can I really be this oblivious?
So he tells me he lives in the neighborhood and wanted me to go with him for a drink..I said, I don't drink...I said,Look, I am flattered and all and I have to be honest, this is just a bit too much for me..I am sorry, but I must go"....He starts to yell at me..."Now look, I am being a complete gentleman...I am taking the time to introduce myself..I've been dying to approach you for months..you can't do this...I'm thinking..God, why can't someone walk out my building..why is there not a soul on this street?
I told him I don't drink...He tells me that I can follow him and that I don't have to get into his car and he could buy me coffee....now, honestly...do I want coffee...we all know I'm going home and I have to take my nap..how can I drink coffee at this time of day?
I declined...he said he wants to take me out...have dinner with him....said he wanted my phone number....Now, mind you, as I pulled off this morning...the weirdest thing happened...I had just started my car and I realized I didn't have my wedding band. I even contemplated running back in to get it and at that very moment...I said..ugh..I 'm not going back in but I know theres a reason I forgot that ring....Swear this is the conversation I had with myself this morning...because I am never without it....too strange...
So I told him..."Look, this doesn't feel right..and I'm seeing someone....now,, this is not true..I didn't know what to say..I was frozen...god, why didn't I say I was married...I can't believe I forgot my ring...now he wants to know if its my boyfriend..I'm so stupid..I said no...I can't lie for shit...this is where I want to choke myself...or H...its all his fault....I would chose to blame him for this...because if I was still seeing him...I would've kindly said...I am seriously seeing someone that I wouldn't even think of ever cheating on...but no..this couldn't flow from my mouth as it could've weeks ago...so I would like to blame H......its all his fault.....so now this guy...his name is Nick...he's Italian, lives in the neighborhood...and drives a Lexus...and he expects me to go on a date in a minute? He is a very good looking man but I don't trust it..He told me that he was 30..wtf will I do with a 30 yr. old? I need someone mature...not some young guy who is running up to women in cars..scaring them shitless...watching them from somewhere..no, its too creepy..I don't get it...I don't think I can say I've ever watched a man or drove down a street everyday to see someone I don't even know ..just from seeing someone...is it possible to like them like this? He told me he would not leave until I gave him my number or he will come back to my job....so now...I got scared..I can't jeopardize others...so I gave him my number because I know I will change it or just not answer or tell him I'm in love with someone else and I am not a cheating type...so now..i gave the number...I love my number..I've had it for years..but I can't risk this guy coming by my job..I'm embarassed...what would my boss think...once again..the frigin note..frigin Kenny from the workshop...I can't have this at my job..it's sick...its not right...
So now...he left..thank god..my knees locked on me...I needed water...I needed to calm down....I couldn't pull off...he pulled off...I went back into my building..saw my boss...she said..I thought you just.....I said get some me water please..went inside and told her I think I came face ot face with the note guy....I told her I was frightened because he took a tone with me and threatened to come here if I didn't give him my number...I calmed down....wanted to throw up...I told her I gave it to him because i don't want him by my job...she walked me out..I still wasn't ready to drive..went to my girlfriend around the corner...told her what happened..she agreed he threatened me and that he's psycho....then my phone rang...I answered...guess who...it was Nick..he said he really is sorry for frightening me and he wants to talk to me...and he wants to call me back...i just said...ok....in complete shock....and then he hung up....so now my girlfriend told me he was checking to see if i gave him the right number...because he didn't know I was at my girlfriends, he could've talked to me...so then I came home and slept...haven't said a word to my family...what do I do about this....what happens now...I know I'm not interested in someone like this..I know I don't like his tone...I can see he is that angry type...not gentle how H was...but that mean type...what do I do...change my number....tomorrow...but then risk that he'll show up at my job again...what do I do...do I tell my dad? The only one who tells me what to do....but if i tell him...he'll worry...so I drove home...and I kept looking in the mirror...just to make sure he wasn't there...thats sick..i never drive looking in the mirror...thinking someone might be there...but this is what this ass made my ride home like...why must I always feel unsafe...why does this happen to me...when all I crave is to not have to look over my shoulder...what happens now? And what if he surfaces in front of these children, these parents...these children that I walk to church with..alone...these children everyweek that i take 2 blocks away by myself to the gymnasium...how could I risk this...why would this man frighten me like this...this has to leave my head...with H...I really need a vacation...and a man in my life....that makes me feel safe...

Horoscopes....

So yea, I have my daily routine like everyone else...I read my horoscope 2 places, read the horoscopes of everyone I know...so umm, I guess you can say, I read them all...So one of the one's I read daily is from the NY Post...online...so today, it tells me that I will fall head over heels in love by the end of the week...wow..this is deep...so now I'm wondering...who is my mystery man...now could it be Kenny...I know he is bound to show up at my job at some stupid point..but eh, I couldn't click with someone like that..could he sing Rafi....umm I think NOT...which leads me to H...will H be back in my life..I doubt it....he is probably still getting laid at this very moment...or whatever...who cares...I really don't care..alright.... maybe I do...a little bit....but I really feel that I want to love someone who can love me..who wants to love me..not 900 other people..eh, I require lots of attention...who can deal with me...no one...maybe it was a misprint...maybe, just maybe it was for capricorn or scorpio...who knows....time will tell....I trust time...because god forbid you can actually meet someone these days..who is honest about who they are...someone who you can actually trust...someone who has your back uughhh...besides, I'm not into these new men of the world today...I swear I'm an old soul...love my old music...love my old traditional ways...I'm just different...I swear..from like another planet or something...men today..don't even care to change a light bulb...there is nothing that is of great passion to them...which concerns everyday life...like with me..I have a passion for my home..cooking..taking care of my family...the ins and outs of home depot...I take pride in certain things...there are men today, who don't even take pride in owning a car..venturing places...becoming a home owner...stopping to smell the roses..everything is always so rushed...everyone is in a rush, I feel for instant gratification...it has to be now..right now..or I throw you away...which brings me back to H..so my girlfriend says he probably never even went to India...he was probably here..giving attention to some new flame....and had to make believe and act as if he was out of town as I would wonder why he wasn't with me.... and then, according to her, when the trip time was up, he didn't want to break my heart so he figured he would tell me things about what he's into and what he did while away...as a means of making me not like him anymore...and that I fell for it...she also said that he didn't go to the hotel with me that night because he would probably feel as if he's cheating on the girl that he's now with...and that's why he wasn't with me Saturday night...because he was with her....and if he was away...he would've missed me and wanted to be with me....and that he probably looked around in the city for an India keychain but couldn't find one.....you know, I found my Tahiti key chain years and years ago in a small store in the city, I nearly fainted.....so these are the things I think of...I guess I'll never know..but what annoys me the most...is that things suck in her life...and now she has to say all of this to me about my H....Personally, her horoscope sucks this week...no romance...no love...no mystery man....nothing...why don't I ever listen to my mother who, unfortunately, seems to be on H's side..why, I don't know...she says to never tell anyone single and miserable anything....but I don't get it...because all of this time, I was single and miserable...but I would always be positive about whatever drama my girlfriend was going through...imagine if I was with H again....she would freak...and I'd say...Bye...gotta go...how I love my H...ciao...and her head would spin....so I guess I have to wait and see who my mystery man is this week...I don't know where I would find him..except if I'm driving to or from work...as I really won't be leaving the house this week...everyone's here just about everyday since my parents are still visiting...and I rush home to see them....so where the fuck am I going to meet someone...I really hope, in a way, its not a misprint.......keep your fingers crossed....toes crossed and hiney crossed .....so I can fall in love again............

What a Day....

So I had my boring retreat for my job today. What a long day, another beautiful Saturday completely indoors. I had to drive far out to Queens, Queens is stupid and gay. The roads are horrible, the white lines aren't even straight, at one point, they even disappeared, wtf? Spent 20 minutes completely lost and had to pop into a CVS for directions..uugghh. I am not a driver, hate driving, have no sense of direction...especially to far away and unknown places, that's what men are for...So speaking of men, I met a man there. It was kinda embarassing though because he was a facilitator for one of the workshops. So as he was presenting...he kept looking at me, making way too obvious eye contact with me...Now I'm sitting in this huge auditorium with easily over 100 people. I'm sitting next to the big, big boss..who, as a strict person whom I respect, is quite obnoxious. She starts to elbow me...I wanted to die...on the other side of me, was just a colleague of mine...then she starts to elbow me...do I want to die..what an ass...is that being professional...was my lipstick smudged across my face....did I have a sudden nose bleed and not realize? Now for starters, how I bitched all last night..all day...up until I arrived...I am not one to leave the house on a Saturday...hate to go anywhere...If I left to anywhere.....it was because I was with H..because I wanted to be with him...so if I wasn't with H.....then eh, I don't care to go anywhere, with anyone...I hate being forced to go somewhere...would rather be home, love being home. Because I was miserable, I did my hair myself, did not have it done, and somehow it came out great...so I'm sitting there, listening to his bullshit...blah, blah, blah....and while being elbowed...I start getting annoyed...So he's tall, built, american, yuk! blue eyes, and like blondish brown hair...a very good looking man..but not my type, minus the tallness, that built, that H built, that freakin drives me insane.....so after he was through..they moved us to another huge auditorium...he followed me around for the rest of the day like a puppy dog...I wanted to throw up...so after the other presenter presented...I went up to the podium to speak to him as the big boss wanted additional information...so as I'm speaking to nerd #2, this ass comes up...interrupts me and says he was having trouble reading my name tag...which...ummm..was on my breast of course...my hair was in the way...so yuk, I moved it over and introduced myself...he introduced his stupid self...and would you believe he states that he works, would you believe..about 10 minutes from my job...what a small world...so he knew I was talking to the guy about setting something up for my job...for my whole building..so now he says...wouldn't it be a great idea if we did it together..with his job as well...and that he would like to be in touch with me....yea, I bet he would..now the good part to all of this is that I was wearing my wedding band...thank god...so I excuse myself...catch up to my big boss..and she is hysterical....what an ass.....so I start to complain...out of freakin 100 people, he has to bother my guts...he's so gay, he said, "Oh we're neighbors"..who says that?.......we're not freakin neighbors......you work nearby jackass.....so now its time to eat in the dining hall...guess who's at the table next to mine...yea...Kenny....I don't like Kenny....Kenny is eh, good looking...but eh, I'm just not interested...so now I have to talk to him...I had my ring in his face...so now I decided rather than eat, I would like to go out and sit outside for this hour by MYSELF....and ummm smoke...take in the nice weather..the grounds were gorgeous.....so my first moment with the outside world...with cigarette in hand...I whip out my phone as I needed to call my girlfriend who was disappointed I couldn't go with her for her dress, she's the maid of honor...wanted to know how things went....now guess who smokes....yes.....Ken Doll.....now like Barbie, I need to remain in bitch mode..so I change my tone with my girlfriend, who has no idea what the hell is going on...he sits on the bench freakin right across from me...wtf....no one else is outside to save me...thank god i had G on the phone....so I made believe I was talking to my husband...I said..Darling...I don't know what time I'm getting out...I can cook if you want or if you really want to go out, then we can go....I pressed your pants and your shirt and left them in the closet...Darling, I miss you...Darling...I really don't want to go back in...I can't wait to come home...oh and don't forget we have to go to my sisters for dinner tomorrow...(well..this part was true)....so I know he heard....ahhhhaaahhhhaaahhhaaaa.... and then he put out his cigarette and went back inside....aaaahhhhhhaaaaahhhhaaaa....So I stayed on the phone with my husband...how I love my husband......made it obvious that I wasn't about to hang up....so now G.... knows the deal......could I be left alone.....so after that time was up...I dodged him until I left...hung out with someone from work the whole time...reapplied lipstick endlessly..hung out in the ladies room beyond the norm.....knew he wouldn't find me in there.....hee hee, thank god for the powder room...comfty couch and all....talked to bets...called my mom...and blew off the rest of everything...then I left....uuuggggghhhh..my never ending drama...so do I have to talk to my fucking neighbor now, freakin Mr. Rogers.....will he bother me at my job....told my big boss that she had better deal with him....I refuse to....I need to be alone at this time...I have my parents just one more week...and I need to think....I have too much work to do work wise.....too much going on with my family.....I don't need to be with a man or talk to a man for the sake of having someone...I'd rather be by myself or with someone I like...and eh, I don't like people....I really don't...no you don't understand...I just really don't....a man like that could never love me the way I need a man to love me...I don't think anyone could......and besides someone wanting to like me or love me...I need to like them slash love them in return....the hard part....and ummm, I don't like people...no you could never know...I just don't.....I'm better off alone....

Fantastic Author....

So one of my favorite authors...
Jhumpa Lahiri...The Namesake....
just released her movie...
What a book...what a phenomenal author....
After I read it, I passed it on to my mom, an avid reader....of rather diverse genre's...
yet with an intrinsic appreciation for the immigrant's story....she read it in two days....
A must read, and for me...a must see...at some point....
She lives not far from my sister....
and her sightings within the neighborhood...the neighborhood park....is always rather delightful...great appreciation for someone who writes so well....
Good Luck with the movie Jhumpa, glad you brought it to the big screen...
just hope I make it out to see it....

Bachelorette Party

So here it is Friday night, eleven o'clock and I'm supposed to be out at a bachelorette party, are you kidding me? Do I seem like the type.... to indulge in such nonsense, who comes up with these things? F--ing shower..... F--ing registry..... F--ing kitchen tools for the wishing well....F--ing Bachelorette party.....Okay, well I can understand the kitchen stuff...Personally, if I had to do it, I would have myself registered at William Sononma...I walk in there and I swear I'm in heaven....that is,IF I had to do it... Now, call me old fashioned, but you're getting married at the end of the month, you're pregnant, which means you have a child inside of your stupid self, yet you're going out...What am I missing? Maybe it's just me...but I refused to go....besides, I had a houseful, everyone just left...I'm with my family...now let's say I was getting married...shut up and let me have my moment...please, thank you.....Okay, If before I married, before putting on my beautiful vail....I would have a nice evening out with, of course, my sisters, my mom, my drama queen nieces...my aunt..and my girlfriends...I would not be bent on being with the girls from the wedding...I would need the girls of my life...not freakin people I know of only 3 months..but my life long relations, the girls of my life, my world. I would go out to a nice dinner...maybe somewhere in the city, I always loved to eat by Park Ave. South...it's been a while....or maybe even Peter Luger...and hell..if I was, god forbid, pregnant...I'm not going anywhere....one of my sisters would cook of course and invite everyone over....they all know that's what I like the best....it's how I spend every birthday...at least I get to include the kids this way...the way I like it....so tonight...I guess somehow, I have to survive, hope I'm fine with not being out indulging in eating that chocolate penis lollipop...or the penis this and the penis that.....somehow, I have a feeling I'll be fine.....I detest gay people and gay stuff.....not in the literal sense, figuratively speaking of course.....Real gay people, homosexuals, do not phase me in the least....gay garbage....eh, I don't have the patience...so now I want so badly to sleep in late tomorrow morning....in the worst way...but it's not happening....this week easily feels like 2 weeks in one...not fair...but what can I do.....oh the drama.....I'm going to bed...still miss H...but starting to come to terms that everything in life happens for a reason, there's always that one person in every family that everything falls on, the person who has to do for everyone..the one that never marries or has children of her own....so starting to come to terms that my life could never be my own...H was just a much needed distraction, a break from reality...nothing more.......from my own mothers perspective, the only way out would be if a man like my dad appeared in my life...a man who moved her far away from her family...to another country, then another state...relocated her for his own and her own well being....makes me wonder, how did she do it? How did she just start a different life....how did she move so far from her family.....I feel that I can never leave my sisters...I would love to live in Florida again...but how could I leave them....my mom says that when you meet the right one, you can just leave as she did....then she tells me....that if my brothers in law had balls and actually decided to leave new york....that my sisters would have no choice but to leave me and go...what would I do....what would I do with this house........but she was lucky.....my dad stood by her and how he adores her...and vice versa...and I can guarantee she didn't have a bachelorette party either.....men like this don't exist today.....how come? why not?

Can anything else go wrong?

I really need to vent...what a week from hell. Just in from a week that just doesn't seem to end, work wise. I had double the amount of work as normal today...and tomorrow a freakin retreat that I really do not have the patience for. I have to be in Queens, who the hell goes to Queens..for a retreat from eleven until about eight...my weekends are getting way too hectic..I am too stifled. With my parents in town..I have too much going on...a housefull yesterday for my moms actual birthday, everyone again on Sunday for my dad, as his actual birthday will be Monday. The weekdays are tough..tough on everyone, especially me, who is left with the major clean up...I need a maasage, maybe tonight I'll go, since I have to be up and out early tomorrow. So my niece, love her to death...to add to my drama...now has a new best friend, H...how he logged on, never on...but somehow on...while my niece and my nephews are playing that frigin penguin game...talk about no luck...now she talks to my friends...her friends come over by me..she is too trusting..tells me she thinks bets is on..I said alright...instead, she was talking to H...now how am I supposed to feel...I couldn't believe it..she knows bets screen name, she always has her picture on..she can see her....she knew what she was doing...she over hears everything...she knows all about him....so I had no choice but to Im him and apologize...could I even be upset with her...no, I can't...I wouldn't want her to feel she did something wrong...and she knows that its okay to talk to people I know...so I apolgized...he accepted..thank god, then I begged her to not write to him since he is not talking to me...with that...last night...as I'm making coffee...she sees him on...and invites him over...do I want to die...she didn't even say anything this time...which leads me to believe..she has that wicked streak I have....my own niece and nephew sold me out for a frigin piece of gum...a piece of gum....tells him I showed her his picture...do I want to die...should I die now...what a sell out....I mean, I did, weeks ago...she was happy....said she has to meet him....my niece has a small tiny memory of the ex....she was young by the time I ended with him....so according to her, I never had a boyfriend...and my other ones....my nephew even wrapped a baby pillow a few years ago and gave it to me on my birthday one year, when I had asked him what it was for...he said it was for my baby..and that he wanted me to have a baby...I cried...I was so not there...but it hit me...he was maybe seven...and here...his whole life, he never saw me with a man....it hit me...what must they think...but I couldn't do anything about it....I would be very protective of who I have the kids around anyway...with H...I wanted him to meet them...they would love him...they are so wicked...but I know they would love him....I wish he had stopped by on new years, but I know he was scared...it was so new....so now..I apologized and I feel horrible and I'm wondering if he's annoyed at Bianca...or if he feels bothered by her....so I offered for him to delete me and vice versa...and I didn't hear back from him...nothing...now I don't have the heart to delete him..I don't want to delete him...I'm not over him....If he wasn't annoyed, he probably would have im'ed me back stating that he wouldn't delete me and he is not annoyed with my niece... he was probably having some wicked conversation with some bimbo who is probably going to watch him have sex with other women this weekend...whatever....
I don't hate him...he has to know I'm hurt, just hurt....he never missed me, he has sex with some woman away...but when I saw him for the first time, he didn't even want to go to a hotel with me...he wouldn't lay next to me, on me...the way I love him...he refused me...but yet with this woman...she gets it all...how am I supposed to feel...maybe he still has her in his head...maybe Bianca intruded on his conversation with some woman...I don't know...all I do know is he could've written back...uh, V, no worries...God, I love it when he says that...Bianca doesn't annoy me...you do....but I still want to bang you...or something like that....I miss him...I really miss him....but he hurts me...hurts my feelings...does he not realize I have feelings....and I won't delete him and I can't pray that my niece is going to stop...to see someone online...is like walking into a gum factory for her....I think I will have to just shut my messenger completely off when they're here, which is just about everyday......but then I'll miss seeing H....but I don't want her bothering him...she's too clueless....and I don't have the heart to tell her anything...I don't want them to be frightened of people...people I know...what am I to do....H must want to choke her...could things get any worse....so this is my week from hell.....and the weekend from hell which will now begin....calgon take me away....I need a man in my life...I need a break...I need someone to make me feel that need to escape for a while, the way H did..before he friggin went away and changed....to just escape into the arms of a strong, yet gentle, sweet speaking man..who has your back...who lets you feel safe to relax and surrender. I need to surrender.....I need to surrender..............

Showers

Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, whatever, they're all fucking boring. The most boring thing on the planet. So yesterday, one of the most beautiful days in a long time, I had to spend indoors for like 5 freakin hours...at a boring shower. Talk about wanting to hang yourself. I saw so many girls I had known from like 10-15 years ago. It was nice meeting up with them, they're all married, all miserable. I would have to say, out of about 60 women whom I have known for the last 20 years of my life...I was shocked. Shocked and in a state of disbelief that so many people are just so different, so changed. I have to say, I'm blessed. I really feel blessed. Now, they all know the ex, so I can't even begin to explain how happy I was to fill them in on the fact that I'm still single and hearing how lucky I am. Boring crap about this ones kid and that ones kid...ugh go away..enough....I don't think its cute...its annoying...blah, blah, blah...To hear that I haven't aged as much as others, probably because I have eliminated bullshit from life for many years. There is a tremendous difference between being happy and being content. This is what I learned yesterday, there is a distinct difference. Now, about these showers, yes, I took all of the notes...who gave what..it was either play secretary and get involved or kill myself. These things are so boring..they should be eliminated. Now let's say, God forbid, I was to get married, I would not have a shower. I would just invite, maybe 10 people to my wedding..that's it... just an invitation to my wedding...an exclusive small wedding, very fancy, posh...horse and carriage as my sister had...with the violins and the doves....Plaza Hotel...none of this fifi fufu bullshit..no shower..and since I have not tortured all of the feamles in my life with my shower, they will give an extra special gift for the wedding since I saved them from a whole day of pure torture....all I could think about was how much I could be doing at home, with my parents in town..oh..its been great..I have a houseful all day...walked into a houseful, which was the good part of finally coming home...Then from there.....chaos..love chaos...the only thing...I must keep my nieces and nephews away from my computer...I come home and I just don't understand how they can all be so involved in playing some stupid game...they get into everything...I wish they were still babies...they have all grown up too fast...I want them little again...where they want to sit on the floor and play a game...not to go on the computer and be in their own little world...I don't know...they know everything...to well...just wish they were able to fit completely in my arms again. I think that has to be the most amazing thing about them as babies...that I was once able, with just 2 arms, to hold them entirely in my arms....One thing I did learn from the boring shower from hell...I don't want to be married, don't want babies...I am very happy in my life....I want a nice male companion...nothing serious...I learned this...umm..2 weeks too late...but what can I do....I'm sure H is probably so involved with someone else by now...he's probably shopping for a ring or a place for a boring shower.....