Judgement Day

Okay, so I guess I've softened a bit--bottom line--I don't feel the need to play judge and jury--not here to judge anyone. Growing up in Brooklyn...I guess its safe to say, I've seen it all, I've heard it all...Do I know what guys are like, my whole life....yes. Have people lived their lives in a different manner, different from mine, my upbringing..yes. I watched mafia at its stongest and watched it disintegrate into nothing--watched friends' families collapse due to poor decisions. Hence, I always learned to keep my comments to myself and lend my shoulder. I watched so many of this---always felt blessed that I was shielded and protected from so much that I witnessed. As the 2 greatest objects of my affection, my parents, walk along the streets of Rome, in Italy, living still for each other, 40+ yrs later--what is the problem today? Is it really too much variety? No one wants a family--a life---4oyrs plus...grandchildren---oh, how my nephew, who is only 3 and a half---asked for a gucci wallet--all of these moments---no one wants?...anyway--i am not here to judge--just trying to understand---to understand if true love really does exist--the feeling of knowing that you can just die without someone else---true love--if it doesn;t come--i don't want---but oh, how i can settle for the undying love and affection of aamir khan....... true love...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS4ZNxqr_DM&feature=related

Lies, Lies, and more Lies

Okay, this is where the game is getting too dangerous, the walls are closing in...I want out...that's it, I'm not playing anymore. I don't like this game, there aren't any rules. So this dating game, I swear it has to only be this way in New York. In this city of so many, the men have too much variety. The men have NO idea of what they want, in a woman, in this life, in themselves. I am convinced. Okay, women, its easy--I think its safe to say that we all want the same thing---an honest guy, a good guy--a loyal guy--prince charming, Mr. "I take care of everything" guy, an educated guy, a sweet guy, a loving guy. Your friends are so freakin jealous, they say--"Oh you are sooo lucky, he is a great guy" Nope, that guy I met, the summer of 88---he is no more--had the Benx, the attitude, oh and whats that word I'm searching for, respect, yup he had that too. He was honest..couldn't care less what you thought--you--everyone knew he was yours--OPP--and no one messed with other people's property. Guys were guys, they had tude, they valued you, bought you gifts for no reason. This does not exist today....
What we have today are lies...all lies...your head is so screwed up lies...this is the game that dating, having a boyfriend, one on one---has turned into...
Count me out, don't deal me in--I want out--out from lies, out from guys who date just to date, guys who don't value people, people's feelings....I don't want this...I guess its safe to say, you live and learn...
Things I've learned:
Trust no one
Guys want nothing today
Guys stand for nothing today
Guys lie---not little lies, big ass lies
Guys are not loyal
I believe in karma--it wil come back and bite you in your ass---
my life is not that bad
I'd rather be manless than have a guy who does not keep up--
I'd rather be alone than with someone who is not like me--honest and loyal---
I'm not into games---
It's not that bad---if I'm meant to meet someone, I have faith, it will happen--even if it means I have to get up the nerve to actually leave the house....
I love my family, love my parents, my sisters, my nieces, my nephews--everyone--
It's no that bad....
These are the things I've learned--I've also learned that it takes a lot to keep a friendship or relationship alive--it begins with honesty---I'm going back to the old school rules--if after 4 dates, he doesn't give me his jacket--he's not for me--he doesn't know what he wants--someone who doesn't deserve my love--doesn't deserve me...time to log off and I guess, go back out there--out there where I hate, where the evil lurks--somehow, I feel it might be safer than on here....pretty sad---there has to be more---there has to be someone decent, honest, and loyal out there....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLKKEfrCy5s&feature=related

vcr

Dating Sucks

So here I am, up Sunday morning, early..still crying over my date from hell last nite. I know my tears very well and my tears are pretty much telling me, melt down, of a life, or should I say of trying to have a romantic life. So I meet jerk, where else, on the computer. Jerk is a studying surgery, so he claims. Who knows? I am starting to believe that I'm the only one who doesn't lie here. Did anyone listen when mom said you're not supposed to lie, its just best to tell the truth? Convinced no one is honest, a quality I respect very much. A quality I'm convinced doesn't exist today. But here I am, honest--about it all. So we exchange emails, move it to the phone...all day...now he wants to meet saturday...I am busy--You know I'm doing over my closets...It is spring, this means spring cleaning..In my comfort..do I really want to stop, get the hair done, get dressed, put on makeup, NO-I'd rather be home-you know this, we all know this--even call him,have my melt down, tell him Im chickening out...but no, this guy was on a mission, mission to knock me right back down again....He drives in from uptown, I walk, meet him a half block from home. He is out of the car, greets me, we agree we're both comfortable. No awards here for me, but I am a comfortable person,make people feel at ease...So we agreed lite--coffee, dessert, we walked around, a beautiful nite, we sat on the benches...now, tired, I want to go home, yes, closet and clothes are on the brain..my bed, my pj's...I need my things..they miss me, I miss them, have issues being out of my element. Get in the car, 5 blocks and I will be home, home..where I love, where I miss. He wont start the car, asks if he can make a phone call...I look at him puzzled...I'm 5 blocks away, take me home and then make your friggin phone call is my thinking....instead, as i look at him puzzled, he tells me he is calling his guy friend, who is sitting in the car behind us---my heart sinks....jerk tells me he has a syringe--have i ever heard of date rape---My heart falls to the floor---i look back, no one is there--I start to cry-i open the door to get out--he tells me he's just joking---he wil take me home, he pulls up to my home...I'm crying-I want to take a swing, I swear I could take him---he tells me of all the mistakes I made, the chance I took with him in getting into his car---I get out---Home, crying...this is dating in NYC? what part am I missing--we talked---we had to meet---he made the plan---H came for me, H never scared me--h never did this---H would never--Why did he go, why do I have to date, lesson- I will die alone--I swear I will never go on a date as long as I live...think I am--I'm not.I've had it, had it with men, had it with dating, I've just had it. I never want to speak to H again, or any male for that matter, back to hating men...all of them, except my da.

Deleted...

So this is it, over, completely over and my frustration is sky high. He moved away, came back, stirred up all of this emotion....then we talk, or I should say, HE TALKS, IM's when he feels like it, and ass, ME, always is there to write back...so then I try it, try to be bold, and IM. But when I IM, he gets back to me....umm, 2 weeks later, wtf? So now I wake up. Wide awake, I realize this gay game...I have to be there for when someone gets bored, or goes out on a date gone bad or something....I have to be there for someone who WAS here, but not here., at least for me...
So he IM's, I am sooo annoyed, figured, be strong, blow him off for a week or so, as he does to me. Bold enough, ok, I'm not bold, was just completely busy with work..thank god...and he IM's again...this time..I tell him I can't do this anymore, the false hope of wanting to hear that he's coming back, he made a mistake--or come here and visit me---these messages from deep down inside is what I'm waiting to hear, but its not going to happen, he would've said it already--every time I ask how its going, I cringe as he tells me he's so happy there---so I'm annoyed, I guess he can tell---I vent--say whats really on my mind--as if he cares to listen--as if he cares enough to say, "wow, she's right, I did friggin fight with her over a stupid ticket, threw her out of my life for 3 months of hell, which during those 3 months, her birthday was hell, her christmas was hell, and her new years eve, I bet she couldn't hold the tears back...then I resurface, just to tell her I moved, yup--no good bye---but I do tell her that I'm here, ONE hour away, just picking up stuff and saying goodbye to some friends tonite----?? the sword goes right through, so what the hell am I?? chopped liver?--no, you don' get a goodbye--you're not a friend--this is what I hear---

So now, I vent, he doesn't care, never did...all he can say, is fine, I will delete you in a few sec's. Wait a second, DELETE ME? just like that? Now, I don't know if you've eve been deleted before..but its not a good feeling---at all. I have deleted exams, paper work, assignments, but PEOPLE...?? For me to delete you, as a PERSON, you would have to do something horrible or be someone I just can't stand, that I really want out---out of my life forever---so this is what I hear--tell him to not delete me as it wil kill me--and guess what, he deletes me. Just go--go find whoever you want--whatever you want--go give respect to some tramp out there--one that you will never delete--just fucking go---I need no one---I don't need games, I don't need this mental abuse...I don't need highschool garbage--what I do need is..a solid man--not into these bullshit games--a straight shooter---a sharp shooter--one who knows what he wants and soesn;t settle for less...one who doesn't have his head up his ass...one who doesn't bow down to one who isn't even worthy of shining my shoes---just go--go find some one--these are the guys that, I'm sorry to say..deserve what they get--girls that treat them like shit, that sleep with their best friends, that are big losers, and don't NOW or ever get their shit together--GO--go get her...just go....

So here I am, deleted...looking to move on...find ugh, a new boyfriend, who lives in the same state, who is capable of loving me, the way I know I can love someone---someone who can give me the attention I crave...I am so annoyed, as I HATE TO DATE, more than anything--I don't like people to begin with, I detest weakness, especially in men...there is nothing more less attractive than a man who is not solid--in his thinking, his ways, his goals, his morals, his actions--I'm solid in all of the above, which I know, is the reason people have always been attracted to me...yup, even women, gross...but not in that way---if I was a piece of crap--I wouldn't have all of the drama bullshit problems I've had---which is why I just steer clear of people, men and women...so here I am, going to venture back out of the lovely cave I hate to leave..to find some love, some attention...from 1 good man...keep your fingers crossed for me...