Oh My H....

So it has been a very draining time, a very turbulent time in my life, far too many changes, with no outlet. So I ended school, said my final farewell to so many dear ones, including a boss that I have to say, I just genuinely love, will always love. Trying my best to be hard and stern, as my days neared, it did become difficult with hearing from so many, 'is it true, how could you leave,don't go'. I realized that people are quite selfish and really don't realize how difficult change is, as it is, and the best thing in life is to be supportive. I worked so hard for many years to make myself a distinct member of a community, a school, a parish. There isn't one store, one neighbor who did not know me. Just driving down a random street, in a neighborhood that I made my own, rewarded me with waves, well wishes and conversation. To leave this world, this chapter, yes it was difficult. When children with feelings are involved, the pain is even greater.

So I did it with only breaking at the final moment with my boss, who despite losing me, has understood my need for safety and change. With no one around, I ended this chapter with my dear friend, Bets, close at hand. For weeks, she knew too well my emotional state of mind. So the very next day, she figured it would be nice to be there for me, venture off for a nice lunch. Now mind you, being the stagnant fuck that I am, I would love nothing more than being where, but home...So after a few good hours out..... of going to the psychic, yep the one who despises my H so badly...I dropped her off and came home in horrendous traffic. Easily within ten minutes, I get the horrible phone call from her that Anthony has passed away, on the street..just now getting out of the car. As I was on the phone with my mom as the call came in..I was hysterical and ran back out to be with my so dear to me friend. My heart literally was in pain. Such a healthy man, great condition, too young. I was in shock for a day and 1/2, still finding it hard to accept, becoming more emotional than I can handle. Oh Bets, how my heart is with you and your family you would never know. This has hurt me so much, as I do feel for his children and his wife, you and your parents.

With so much inside of me....with nothing in me to fight, and how I just love to fight, I hear from my much needed H. How does he just pop into my life at the right moment. Maybe he's psychic, maybe he goes to the psychic himself and maybe, just maybe he tells her what to say to me..."Be careful of him, he lies tooo much, he's a player....and blah, blah,blah " From all of that, the one thing she does say, is to have patience for him, which of course is the one thing I pay attention to..,ok, well ....the only thing that I hear. Now call me retarded, but I know how I feel about him, and I know when I see him, no matter what I was feeling, it just goes away...disappears. He makes it all better, by just being with me....without even having to say a word. So he asked me to go out. Now with being on the brink of tears for days, knowing I'm friggin trying to move....and nothing is done..how can I take a chance that with one false move on his part...it just may be the one thing that could break me at this point....In my head, I'm better off being alone until everything subsides...but H..oh H....he challenges me...makes me move my ass....I love him for this....he had first im'ed me and then he called me...and I think by now, we all know what that voice does to me.....just to hear him, puts me in such a different state of mind..where at the moment, he's all that I want, all that I need....why does he do this to me....why can't I just curse him out...how can he have so much control over me...I hate myself for this....I need a boyfriend...I need to take the power back....none for you H!!!....and then it happens...I hear him and I melt...all of my tough dialogue out the window...what the hell is wrong with me??? Now what the hell was I saying???....ugh...I just forget...i forget it all.....I really hate him for it...just when he's about to get it good from me....rip his heart out and make him bleed to death...he shuts me up and smooths me over in a friggin second.....I will get him oneday when he is not soooo slick..and then I will make him cry......I needed him so badly and he just knew it and not only did he acknowledge it, he acted on it...which in my head, puts him on this pedestal...makes me just look at him and absolutely adore him for being here for me at such a moment....This is what makes me nuts for him....What had drawn him to me, when I reminisce about our first few hot dates, was his attention..the attention that he gave to me, the affection and his sweetness that made me melt right into his arms...something that never happens to me....my guard is always too up...when I'm with him, I feel so safe in his arms...I just never want to leave him...this is horrible, I need a boyfriend...I need to find someone new....I can't handle the way I feel after I'm with him...he is so in my head that its not funny....and this bothers me to the point where I need to dump him and get rid of him...because i know there are others..other females..that I know I can knock out in one second...boom, boom, boom.... and I just want him to myself..how it was in the beginning...and I know he will hurt me....I know he wont love me the way I need a man to love me....completely.....and I have to let him go....I have to let him be with whomever he wants to be with....when I know deep down..I want to just look at him for hours....and just be with him in a way I shouldn't even be thinking of.....I don't know...but oh..the smile on my face is just too good right now...so maybe I'll wait a bit and savor this moment.....and just, in my heart, remain so thankful to him for coming to me when I just needed him so...when there's no one else you want to reach your arms to...when there's only one person that makes you feel so safe....only one person that you just can't stop looking at...because as much as a prick that you know him to be...he just makes you melt and deep down, you just feel rescued and you want so much to rescue him back...but there is nothing..no clues from him....as to what and how to rescue him back into your arms where you want him to be.....what am I going to do.....I'm telling you...oneday...oneday....and I hope its soon....I'll remember my dialogue...it's time to hurt or be hurt....and I don't want to get hurt.....but truthfully....I really don't want to go off on him.....ugghh....H...why do I do this....stay away...

Oh, so for the one person who read me already and wanted to know what happenened to the "A" that I was in love with last week...This is what happened: I chickenened out, as u may have guessed...We did only communicate via computer..and in a strange way...not in an ad type of way looking for someone...but through an interest in music and videos..so having someone to share videos with...yup..if theres someone that can entertain that huge part of me..then eh..I fall in love...so we were supposed to meet in real life for the first time this weekend...and hating H so much last week for ignoring my very courageous email..made me want to meet this music loving A...then everything happened with Bets and then all I needed was to hear from my H, be given some attention and A is permanently history..we don't even speak anymore....it is for the best...so I hope it makes sense now...(hope u don't mind my adding you in..)

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day Da. I love you the most. You're the only man that I've come across in life that has never let me down, never disappointed me. You have always listened and provided the best advice. So in other words, you have always had by back. You my n******. Aaah just kiddin'. Seriously, I love my dad. I just wish there was a man out there, just like him..one who listens, one who is funny, responsible, mature, devoted to us, and handy around the house, has tools and actually knows how to use them, not afraid to walk into Home Depot, not afraid of getting his hands dirty, yet very particular in appearance...God, he sounds just like me. So from young, with having the exact print of his face as mine, I've always hated it. But as I've gotten older, I still hear it so much more from people. Not that I look like a man..God, I hope not, but the resemblance is too much, is something that I'm now proud of, strange right. But anyway, on a brighter note, I'm in love. In love with A. H is just a faded memory. Too complicated, too much drama, too much competition. Its best to have walked away with my pride. I won't tell him off or tell him where he could go. I detest flaky men as I do have a very strong personality. So, after being honest about the way I felt..and getting no response what so ever. I have shut the door, as he is not worthy of my loyal and undivided attention. He just didn't want it..and maybe in this life, it is best for him to find what he is looking for in other women elsewhere. So its best that I know now...rather than if things got deeper. So I am now in love with this man , A, who is too identical to me. We love the same music, the same movies, everything.
I am ending school this week and I am looking forward to spending next weekend with him. He knows that I've been stressed and I think there is nothing more beautiful than a man who can acknowledge that and verbally tell you that he will plan a nice stress free, thank god school is over weekend for me. This is the stuff that makes me go gooo gooo gaga over him. I know, I'm a sucker for a sweetheart. I love nice men, not jerks. And I love to be spoiled and catered to...so I am drinking coffee, made my Fathers Day phone calls to everyone already. Looking forward to ending school and moving into a new place to fill with roses and mak a home....then maybe, the good man completes the picture and I have happiness, something I've felt was not owed to me. Complete happiness of having someone to hold hands with, someone who wants to be with me, someone who likes my company, someone who is truthful and honest as I am. Someone romantic, someone kind and patient, soft spoken, yet attentive. This is the man for me. The one who could enhance who I am, put a smile on my face, and not a frown. Someone who is good with the phone, someone who knows the attention I crave.....thanks A for coming at a time, when I need someone so much in my life, for all of the major changes that I'm going through right now. It feels good to have someone I could just lean on a bit and just breathe out.....so thanks...I know you love me..u didn't have to say it....

I Hate Everyone

So I haven't written in sometime and I hate not writing, as it really is a great outlet.
My parents were in town for sooo long, just left on Saturday. I miss them already. They are very good to me and very supportive in all that I'm doing and in all that I'm going through. This is really my hectic time of year, however, I just can't wait until it all ends. My principal made me cry today, she is upset that I'm leaving, upset and I must say, really understands my desire and need for safety, to not have to keep looking over my shoulder. I know I am doin the right thing. I have been going through so many changes within this year, of so many different areas of my life that have been so dormant, so stagnant. I feel the need to chuck everything and everyone to the curb. With leaving my very comfortable job and goin to a new one, I'm filled with excitement. So many of the children there all know me from my reputation, so the feedback has been great, which makes me feel good. It's exciting that they're excited to have me, aka..the math wizard. So I'm happy for this change and blessed that it fell right into my lap during my moment of my chaos.

Next, I'm moving. I also sat my parents down and explained that I am far too trapped in this house and never leave it, since I always need to be done with everything. They understood and as fate would have it, my dad has cute little apartments and would you believe, as no one ever moves out, yep, one became vacant. So he told me to give it a shot. Maybe it would last a few months, I don't know. I am a chicken and very comfortable in life, things I want to change, though. So I think it would be dreamy to live on one floor only. I've never lived on just one floor, so this should be interesting and exciting as well. I love to be alone, by myself, with my music, with my movies, so time will tell me if I grow homesick. I shall start to pack myself up this weekend and I am not moving until next week, when I have no obligations.

Going away is always my thing to do. I love to be out of the city, as it sucks being here all year. I love the quiet pace and I love to slow down from time to time. Can I live without the chaos for the whole year, probably not. So when its time to relax, I like to relax. When its time for work and chaos and drama and the fast pace, I deal with it. So as far as going away, I may need to put it on hold as I need to take my time to move into a nice small place, by myself, and make it a home. What sucks is that no matter what, I need to be here for August 10th and my cousins gay wedding in August, totally screws me up.

So hanging here for one summer out of the last 16, should be interesting. I'd get to do something I never get to do during my summers...DATE. Yes men, here I come!! Honestly, I just want one good one. Speaking of good one, let me get H off my chest, literally...What a JERK. What the hell was I thinking? So we spoke, then I decided to be upfront and honest with my feelings for him. MISTAKE....BIG MISTAKE..so I wrote him a loving email, then ummmm NOTHING, yes nothing. It is now a whole week, I know that rat bastard probably blocked me, since I also have not seen him log on ALL WEEK. WTF? Aren't we supposed to be honest? truthful? upfront?
NEVER AGAIN!! He is not honest, not truthful. Does he think ignoring me would make it less painful than telling me upfront that he doesn't feel the same?? So his silence tells me that he is probably still with his chiquita banana, was probably at the Puerto Rican Day Parade this weekend, waving his flag, ugh. So in my mind and in my heart, I have to walk away.....and you know me, there is nothing that will ever make me want him or care for him again. It's time to put my energy, my goodness into a good man who is sweet like sugar, who will make me melt, who is affectionate and caring. Only one man gets me. I don't have time for games. Men suck! I am so done with him, its not even funny. what the hell was I thinking??Whomever he is with, she better be that wonderful...just go...he can have her, but he can't have me, you don't get me, my time, my mind. So now I am looking forward to meeting some men, going out on some dates. I think this would be nice. H was the second man in my life, I had just met him so fast and it started fast. Maybe I should have dated around before moving so fast with him. You live and learn, So with dating, I think I will find a nice man and have a nice summer and maybe I can still go to my mothers for a short while, maybe with my date. They would be so happy. So my neck is starting to cramp..its after 10...and I need a cup of tea.....til next time...I hope soon...after finals!