Oh My H....

So it has been a very draining time, a very turbulent time in my life, far too many changes, with no outlet. So I ended school, said my final farewell to so many dear ones, including a boss that I have to say, I just genuinely love, will always love. Trying my best to be hard and stern, as my days neared, it did become difficult with hearing from so many, 'is it true, how could you leave,don't go'. I realized that people are quite selfish and really don't realize how difficult change is, as it is, and the best thing in life is to be supportive. I worked so hard for many years to make myself a distinct member of a community, a school, a parish. There isn't one store, one neighbor who did not know me. Just driving down a random street, in a neighborhood that I made my own, rewarded me with waves, well wishes and conversation. To leave this world, this chapter, yes it was difficult. When children with feelings are involved, the pain is even greater.

So I did it with only breaking at the final moment with my boss, who despite losing me, has understood my need for safety and change. With no one around, I ended this chapter with my dear friend, Bets, close at hand. For weeks, she knew too well my emotional state of mind. So the very next day, she figured it would be nice to be there for me, venture off for a nice lunch. Now mind you, being the stagnant fuck that I am, I would love nothing more than being where, but home...So after a few good hours out..... of going to the psychic, yep the one who despises my H so badly...I dropped her off and came home in horrendous traffic. Easily within ten minutes, I get the horrible phone call from her that Anthony has passed away, on the street..just now getting out of the car. As I was on the phone with my mom as the call came in..I was hysterical and ran back out to be with my so dear to me friend. My heart literally was in pain. Such a healthy man, great condition, too young. I was in shock for a day and 1/2, still finding it hard to accept, becoming more emotional than I can handle. Oh Bets, how my heart is with you and your family you would never know. This has hurt me so much, as I do feel for his children and his wife, you and your parents.

With so much inside of me....with nothing in me to fight, and how I just love to fight, I hear from my much needed H. How does he just pop into my life at the right moment. Maybe he's psychic, maybe he goes to the psychic himself and maybe, just maybe he tells her what to say to me..."Be careful of him, he lies tooo much, he's a player....and blah, blah,blah " From all of that, the one thing she does say, is to have patience for him, which of course is the one thing I pay attention to..,ok, well ....the only thing that I hear. Now call me retarded, but I know how I feel about him, and I know when I see him, no matter what I was feeling, it just goes away...disappears. He makes it all better, by just being with me....without even having to say a word. So he asked me to go out. Now with being on the brink of tears for days, knowing I'm friggin trying to move....and nothing is done..how can I take a chance that with one false move on his part...it just may be the one thing that could break me at this point....In my head, I'm better off being alone until everything subsides...but H..oh H....he challenges me...makes me move my ass....I love him for this....he had first im'ed me and then he called me...and I think by now, we all know what that voice does to me.....just to hear him, puts me in such a different state of mind..where at the moment, he's all that I want, all that I need....why does he do this to me....why can't I just curse him out...how can he have so much control over me...I hate myself for this....I need a boyfriend...I need to take the power back....none for you H!!!....and then it happens...I hear him and I melt...all of my tough dialogue out the window...what the hell is wrong with me??? Now what the hell was I saying???....ugh...I just forget...i forget it all.....I really hate him for it...just when he's about to get it good from me....rip his heart out and make him bleed to death...he shuts me up and smooths me over in a friggin second.....I will get him oneday when he is not soooo slick..and then I will make him cry......I needed him so badly and he just knew it and not only did he acknowledge it, he acted on it...which in my head, puts him on this pedestal...makes me just look at him and absolutely adore him for being here for me at such a moment....This is what makes me nuts for him....What had drawn him to me, when I reminisce about our first few hot dates, was his attention..the attention that he gave to me, the affection and his sweetness that made me melt right into his arms...something that never happens to me....my guard is always too up...when I'm with him, I feel so safe in his arms...I just never want to leave him...this is horrible, I need a boyfriend...I need to find someone new....I can't handle the way I feel after I'm with him...he is so in my head that its not funny....and this bothers me to the point where I need to dump him and get rid of him...because i know there are others..other females..that I know I can knock out in one second...boom, boom, boom.... and I just want him to myself..how it was in the beginning...and I know he will hurt me....I know he wont love me the way I need a man to love me....completely.....and I have to let him go....I have to let him be with whomever he wants to be with....when I know deep down..I want to just look at him for hours....and just be with him in a way I shouldn't even be thinking of.....I don't know...but oh..the smile on my face is just too good right now...so maybe I'll wait a bit and savor this moment.....and just, in my heart, remain so thankful to him for coming to me when I just needed him so...when there's no one else you want to reach your arms to...when there's only one person that makes you feel so safe....only one person that you just can't stop looking at...because as much as a prick that you know him to be...he just makes you melt and deep down, you just feel rescued and you want so much to rescue him back...but there is nothing..no clues from him....as to what and how to rescue him back into your arms where you want him to be.....what am I going to do.....I'm telling you...oneday...oneday....and I hope its soon....I'll remember my dialogue...it's time to hurt or be hurt....and I don't want to get hurt.....but truthfully....I really don't want to go off on him.....ugghh....H...why do I do this....stay away...

Oh, so for the one person who read me already and wanted to know what happenened to the "A" that I was in love with last week...This is what happened: I chickenened out, as u may have guessed...We did only communicate via computer..and in a strange way...not in an ad type of way looking for someone...but through an interest in music and videos..so having someone to share videos with...yup..if theres someone that can entertain that huge part of me..then eh..I fall in love...so we were supposed to meet in real life for the first time this weekend...and hating H so much last week for ignoring my very courageous email..made me want to meet this music loving A...then everything happened with Bets and then all I needed was to hear from my H, be given some attention and A is permanently history..we don't even speak anymore....it is for the best...so I hope it makes sense now...(hope u don't mind my adding you in..)