Love, Look What You've Done To Me...

I never thought I'd fall again so easily....Ahh, so I was with my H last night. How did I do this when I promised myself I was done with him. What the hell is wrong with me. Me, who chews people up and spits them out in seconds, to never look back. What does this man have on me, how does he have such a hold on me...As a true sagg, I belong to no one and now this, I can't function. I haven't slept all night, this is not good. I hate myself right now, for being so weak. Why didn't I go to Atlantic City yesterday, why do I chicken out of everything, yet when it comes to H, I just jump...I did last night something you couldn't have paid me to do, just to be with him. I could care less at the risk of arriving back late, knowing that I'm always so frightened of anyone who may be lurking at a woman driving alone. It didn't hit me until I left him, that I was no longer with him, but alone. So I was quite abusive to him, but it was really what I think he knew he had coming, for all of the hurtful things he's said to me over these past few weeks. How could I look at him and it all just goes away...So last night I drove into midtown to meet him. What a beautiful night to have been in the city, to be out period. I know if I had never received that email, I would've continued with my every Saturday routine and never even left. I am way too routine. The only thing I really needed to get done were my nails. I hate going out somewhere not done, as I know how hard I am on my hands. I know other people may not see it..but it's something I know...so I always like to be done. I need that advanced notice thing. But with H, it was sooo last minute.
God being with him was amazing, I look at him and all I can do is picture him and imagine him making love to me for hours....and then he ends my amazing evening with just 2 pecks on my lips. Do I want to die..maybe he really couldn't handle all that I dished out, but that was my hurt. Maybe he really is in love with taquiero taco bell, I don't know, but I know if I had to, eh,I could take her. But then I would seriously need to wash and scrub my hands...yuk, that germy bitch, with my H. So now he tells me that he loves to be with women..now, let me think, the last time I checked and looked in the mirror, I am not a boy. So does this statement mean that he just loves to be with other women BUT me. I don't know. Because he seems to want to be with everyone else but not me. So maybe he just isn't attracted to me in that way. Maybe he really wants to be loyal to rice and beans, maybe he loves her. I don't know. But time will tell me...

So I had met a nice guy at the beginning of the week. We'll call him A, who lives here. He has a beautiful Escalde and has ownership in 2 restaurants. So I know he is flexible for me and loves to do things and go places. He is very spontaneous and driven. He is the opposite of H, in the sense that he loves to talk on the phone, he loves to see me and he loves to give me compliments. H has never noticed one thing about me, ever. I don't even think he notices if I get my nails done, my haird done..or anything for him. If I was kidnapped on the way home last night and being that he was the last to see me, I don't think he would be able to give a description of anything about me. They would never find me. So A is good like that. He is very into me..and was upset that I blew him off yesterday, but he knows and understand that leaving the house is hard for me. So now he still wants to see me. But with H...I'd rather be with H...but H doesn't give me the attention A does. So right now, I feel as if I'm at a crossroads. A is sweet, thoughtful, asks about my day, everything. And I know if it came up, he would be interested in having a sexual relationship with me. He knows the deal, he wants a girlfriend, already told me he wants me to be his girl, said I should be his girl. He is that typical Brooklyn type of guy where, I guess he knows the deal. Needs someone like me in his Escalade. I know what these guys are like. He's not gonna have some rice and beans chick there..uggh...so different from H. He loves the same things that I do, the same music, the same movies, how I love my movies. But now, I'm not a player type and I don't know how to juggle 2 men at the same time. All I know is if H is not calling, then I know I have A to talk to at night, which I love talking to a man right before I go to bed. But then lets say H does call, then I would have to be honest with A....and let him know. But then let's say H doesn't want to see me ever, hell, I haven't even heard from him yet..and he could've frigin called me last night to make sure I got home ok, I was shocked myself...not cool. So if H never wants to see me again and he wants to be with taco bell..then I wil have A, who is just so open and expressive. I just didn't feel right going away with him so soon. Sort of the same way I was with H, except I didn't go with H because I knew I'd let myself go too easily. With A, my guard is up more. H was also the 1st one in so long to come along, so I guess I wanted to trust him from the beginning. And with A, I know he likes me, really likes me. With H, I don't know if he frigin likes me. How can I tell..if he's not good with the phone, which the phone usually shows. I don't know, time wil tell me. I trust time and I must follow my heart. So now my girlfriend wants to go to coney island and A already called me to see what I'm doing..I don't know if I want him to come with us, because then I wouldn't be able to see the psychic on the boardwalk. I don't know what to do. I'm just confused and I have a lot to do at home today. I did tell H about A, but not completely. I'm afraid of him. I just want to be honest with the both of them. But I really don't want 2 men to talk to, 2 men in my life, just one, the nicest one, the good one, the one that likes me for me. So I guess I have to wait to see what happens and let it unfold naturally. I am such in a fog after being with H last night, total bliss, with a big stupid smile on my face, like a high school girl, this is what he does to me.