The Cross Roads

So after a very hectic week, physically, mentally, and emotionally..would you believe me if I told you I was in bed by 10 p.m. last night, something I couldn't do on a week day. I worked way too late Friday night and yesterday, from one to seven, not cool. So after taking a beating...I always pay attention to the down time I need, and I listen. I need to make the time to just stop, relax, unwind and evaluate. Now A..did invite me to his restaurant, Saturday nights are hard to escape for him, unless he plans, like the week befor that I completely screwed up. I chose to be by myself and with myself and he was good about it. With all that I had going on, the last thing I need is man drama, and I've told him this...and he understands, which I'm grateful for. Usually, you can tell a man, but he doesn't understand, or he hears only what he wants to hear, or he just chooses to do the complete opposite...just to annoy you, on purpose.

So my horoscope yesterday was pretty deep. Said I need to discard all of the baggage I have accumulated in the past six months. Sad to say, as I counted, God, it's almost 6 months that I know H...how time flies. So last night, as I completely destressed after the hottest shower, steamed my face, had my tea, eh, I thought about him. Thought about the emotional roller coaster I've been on since we met. I won't lie here, it felt good. I have not been the same since the day we met. I have changed, and my way of thinking has changed so drastically. I guess its safe to say its over and I'm okay...okay with it. I haven't heard from him all week and I know who he's probably with, who he spoke to all week. He told me last week..that he wants to be with lots of women, now this does not work for me..so if that's what he wants, it's best for him to go. I don't need the drama, the heartbreak. I think it was very important for us to see each other last week..and I think some of his real ways needed to come out. So in other words, he's a male slut, and admitted it. I will not judge him, but I know I won't have anything to do with him. Which not doubt, is hard. I did fall for him, hard, I did think about him all week..even up to last night. I can only wish that he finds true happiness and umm whatever he's looking for. I will miss him dearly as I do love him and I wanted to be with him, but I have to understand that I doesn't work, will not work. Now, I'm very loyal. If I'm with someone, then I'll just be with that one person. How would H expect me to be with him and then continue dating other men? Yuk, I couldn't do that. It's obviously easy for him to do, I'm just different.
So A is cool, he wants to be with just one person too. I told him all about H. I had to, I'm honest. I told him he needs to be patient and wait until he's out of my system. A is being very good, very understanding. He told me that I wasn't in love with H. He said that H was just the first one after so long, so I clung to him...and felt that I had been rescued..makes sense...and I guess he's right...A said he wished I would've met him first....In a way, I guess I wished I would've met A first, fallen for him, and I would've been forever indebted to him for saving my soul like this for me...I don't know..I guess I had to meet H..for some reason, still not known...maybe I had to meet him, so I can appreciate someone like A, who has my back, who wants to have my back, who wants to love me...the way H doesn't, couldn't. And I need a lot......a lot of attention. I am not into all of his dates, his need for sex with so many women. Imagine if I had slept with him..I would be so heartbroken now..for him to throw in my face that he was dating some nasty chick. I get too grossed out...So after my trying week, with my down time...I have to say..I'm okay...and concentrate on the fact that when at the crossroads, choose the safer route.
I miss my H, I still love him, I wish I was enough for him, I love him enough to let him go and not be selfish. I hope he finds all that he wants, all that he needs and I hope he doesn't end up with some funky disease. And I guess I'm happy he spared me. He knew how badly I wanted him and he could've taken full advantage of that...so I love him for not hurting me ore than he did..any other man probably would've...my ex was sooooo right about men.....which brings me back to A...I just hope he is truly as innocent as he claims and not really the wolf in sheeps clothes...It's hard figuring people out. Now I know why the ex never left me...he knew what was out there, so he kept me close...and clean...and with him.....I am really not good at figuring men out. Men frighten me. I can't be around someone loud, someone violent, someone harsh...and I can see that A gets mad very fast. I don't like that. He gets mad if I didn't call him or fro something stupid, does this mean one day, he's just goin to knock me out...because if that day comes, I would not be one of these asshole girls that puts up with that garbage...my brother would lay him out in a second. My brother is a fighter....A is not..and having 3 sisters, my brother wouldn't deal with that....Why can't they just be honest like me..I don't get it..time will tell me and I trust time. I know I want a man's company so bad, I just have to be smart about it..because I just really don't want to get hurt. I really don't.