A switch to just turn it off
Wishing everyone a Happy Eid! Busy, too busy with 2 programs, my job, my family. Walls are closing in but I'm still standing. I figured the best remedy would be to keep busy. Keeping busy puts somewhat of a restrain on thinking of people and as much as I try to refrain from being idle...nite falls. And when the night approaches, comes the memories, the missing, and pining. So am I killing myself too much during the day and still....no escape?
I wish there was a switch. A switch that can just turn all of this off, like a faucet. This is where I have to give credit to men. How do you do it? How do you just turn if off? Then turn it on and turn it off. This is what I have to find the answer to, so I too, can just turn it off. Even though, being who I am, I am against the turning off. This is where parents are BAD. They raise you to become adults, who are loving, show compassion, good-hearted, except to those who fuck with me, and loyal....and then we all go out there....like sheep amidst the wolves and we change. We change through experiences. Some of us pay heavily, a price for someone else's coldness, bad ways. Some are affected and close others off---allowing the BAD person to win....others take on the personality and bad ways of the evil ones they came across.
This is what I am seeing now...a person that I was not raised to be...a person who saw the wolf but through time, never wanted to make someone else pay for anothers bad ways. But here I am, feeling as if I am paying for someone elses bad experiences.
What I am learning is that I will not allow anyone to pay for anything. I will take people as they are with me. And as far as the switch....I don't want to turn it off...I want it to always be on. The light to always be bright...the way I was raised....to show love, give love, be expressive---not allowing anyone to change me, not allowing past experience to win.
In the end, I want to win....with someone who will know what to do with my love....and someone who won't make me pay for their past experiences.....past let downs, disappointments, etc.
Face it.... in the end, isn't it better for the one or ones who hurt us, NOT to win.....anymore?
Isn't it better to resume back to who we all were originally, with the important things still at the top of the list. The showing of feelings and emotions, no lies, no pretending...just you...just me..the way we were meant to be........with no outside interference....where together, we win.
I wish there was a switch. A switch that can just turn all of this off, like a faucet. This is where I have to give credit to men. How do you do it? How do you just turn if off? Then turn it on and turn it off. This is what I have to find the answer to, so I too, can just turn it off. Even though, being who I am, I am against the turning off. This is where parents are BAD. They raise you to become adults, who are loving, show compassion, good-hearted, except to those who fuck with me, and loyal....and then we all go out there....like sheep amidst the wolves and we change. We change through experiences. Some of us pay heavily, a price for someone else's coldness, bad ways. Some are affected and close others off---allowing the BAD person to win....others take on the personality and bad ways of the evil ones they came across.
This is what I am seeing now...a person that I was not raised to be...a person who saw the wolf but through time, never wanted to make someone else pay for anothers bad ways. But here I am, feeling as if I am paying for someone elses bad experiences.
What I am learning is that I will not allow anyone to pay for anything. I will take people as they are with me. And as far as the switch....I don't want to turn it off...I want it to always be on. The light to always be bright...the way I was raised....to show love, give love, be expressive---not allowing anyone to change me, not allowing past experience to win.
In the end, I want to win....with someone who will know what to do with my love....and someone who won't make me pay for their past experiences.....past let downs, disappointments, etc.
Face it.... in the end, isn't it better for the one or ones who hurt us, NOT to win.....anymore?
Isn't it better to resume back to who we all were originally, with the important things still at the top of the list. The showing of feelings and emotions, no lies, no pretending...just you...just me..the way we were meant to be........with no outside interference....where together, we win.
posted by vita86lover at 7:59 PM
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