Merry Christmas 2008

So its been quite a while, a long time not doing what I love to do best, release my feelings, sit calmly having a moment to collect my thoughts. Here it is, the day before Christmas Eve and I can finally have the moment. Where do I begin? For starters, parents are in town for the holiday, killed myself as usual getting everything together for them, tied up the job with a nice long vacation until the 5th---and looking back--another year older, ugh---but not wiser. After officially being dumped on my birthday--yes, by H---the one who resurfaced yet again--claiming to not have received my email of "no more."--yes, he resurfaced--this time bold, I stood up for myself. I know these travelling salesmen--that love to have a girl in every town--where they can just say--here I am--and show up---so I put my foot down--not wanting to be "that girl"--I realized that is what I've become to him---and I hate it---since my feelings run so much deeper--Its this time 2 yrs ago that I had the best week of my life---I sit and reminisce about my gift, my present for Christmas from him--the pink ribbon around the flowers he gave to me--the petals that I kept from all of them--and the ribbon--the difficult time of moving away from my family to actually make time for someone other than them...how weird it felt to have someone in my life---the happiest moments of my life that he gave to me--cared to give to me---so I ponder--wonder how its been reduced to this---how he allowed it to come to this---how he could leave--and then just pop in and out of my life--forgetting the dates, the times, as I was just another one for him---where he was all--everything to me---in the end it doesn't matter---life goes on--for him---for me--its where I want to stay--closing down and withdrawing--detaching---going back into the safe cocoon--reverting back to a place that was dark, yet safe---wondering how to get out of it---making a post but too weirded out for follow up or follow through--just staying here--this last christmas --reliving the one from 2 yrs ago---where it felt so right---so good---so perfect---before he threw it all away--for what or for whom---I don't know---but in his heart--I hope its better than what he threw away---in my heart---I am very hard to find elsewhere and this he will realize at some point in his life---withdrawn and empty--a very Merry Christmas to all and to my H--who is still in my heart.....