It's Been So Long...

How I detest not having my time, my therapeutic time to just write. It has always been one of my greatest escapes, one of my outlets, as I really don't have many outlets. Where can I even begin, I have my parents still in town from since my nephew's communion. My mom stayed, dad left for an emergency but then returned. I have been with my family so much, whom I do love dearly, but sometimes, just sometimes, I do need a break, a tiny escape. Which leads me to my most favorite escape that life has shown me..H...yes H. So I thought I was through, so mad about "no kiss for me" but for taquiero taco bell. Not a day had gone by and I am not afraid to admit it...but not oneday had gone by when I did not think of my H. So I called..I figured 2 things could happen, either a.) he could tell me to go away, I'm nothing but drama and trouble or b.) he missed me too. So I took my chance and having no balls whatsoever, I called him Thursday morning..while I was at gym for 2 hours, bored out of my mind. With boredom, comes H. Its during those times when I'm not busy, when I start to get weak, damn double period gym. So I called him, knowing very well that he's at work or on his honeymoon with rice and beans..sorry but I can't fucking stand her...ugggh. So it rang twice and I hung up. Called my girlfriend and was screaming...felt like such a loser. Why do I do these things? What the hell is my problem? Low and behold, he called me that evening and we spoke. I nearly died when I heard him on the phone. I can't believe he called me back. I think deep down inside, he had to know that it was my breaking point..the point where we will speak..or if he chose not to acknowledge my hang up...it would be the point of complete history..over..through..never, never, nothing....totally over...the 2 of us to go our separate ways..never to be in touch. I think deep down inside...he knew it took a lot of guts on my part to even do what I did. God, how I missed that voice, that sexy voice that puts me in a trance. This time, I paid attention to everything said, as I was too nervous that he may he hate me or had forgotten me, or perhaps pre -engaged to that douche bag...yuk. So I've been through so much these past few weeks...and I really didn't want to bring it up in detail to him, as i feel that he may become bored to death. But truthfully, I've been through a lot. I'm leaving my job, the hardest thing for me to do..I love that school, love the kids, love everyone, except that Long Island psycho asshole whom I completely ignore...but this was so friggin hard. My principal was beside herself. What happens when I have to say goodbye. My girlfriends already said they want to be no where near me the last day of school....and they are right, it's going to be very hard, very bad. So this is what happened. This stalking jerk..this man whom I don't know, whom I don't want to know..came back, demanding to get into my classroom..everyone is in a panic. What does he want with me, what does he want from me, why can't he stop, why can't he go away....why me? I'm sorry, but how can you like someone whom you don't even know? Now the only man in my school, became pretty irate, he is very nice to me, very good to me. Wants to call the cops...I just want to throw up..nope, I really do....no, you don't understand. I had no choice but to sit my parents down and tell them everything...my poor dad..how can I put him through this again. He is my dad, he is not calm, he really can't deal..nope, u don't understand...he becomes nuts..tells me thats it...I have to leave my life..tells me to pack and move to Florida....now wait a second....this is too much for me..its already a lot for me to cope with....just his man making me so friggin uneasy..showing up at my job like this...and on top of it....to pack up and leave...my life..my school....this is sooooo not fair. Now mind u, I have not done a resume in years, never had to get a job by interviewing. After 15 yrs, I am well know throughout everywhere as per my rep, which I must say I've worked very hard for. So a few weeks ago, ran into a friend of mine who tell me she is now going to be principal at her school....this was before psycho wanted to get into my room, but after he approached me by my car...in between the last 2 incidents....she tells me she wants me and I should think about it...I decline as I do feel honored...but she is also aware of my loyalty to my principal and the close bond that we have.....as fate would have it..the day after all of this...one day after..she calls me and tells me still she wants me...even offers me a good extra couple G's....now I am quite uneasy..tell her I will meet her to talk...I go to her school...and low and behold...told her about my situation...she claimed it will be a matter of time before he turns violent and I am nuts to be there...claims this is a sign...what to do, what to do...my parents, well u know what they said....my principal, not happy...but I can't take another chance..I can't...I'm gone...I'm upset.....no, really upset....and the last day will be the hardest moment for me....I know I will always go back to visit...I know that...but why is this happening...I must follow this through......it fell to easily in my lap..and I know I'm being saved from something..I just know it..but I can't say it to anyone...its to strange the way I came across my old friend...this is keeping me from something, something that is not good, I know it, I can feel it.



So..this is the first weekend I can say that I can breath...so back to H..I so desperately wanted to see him..as weird as it may sound..despite everything...all I could think about was watching a movie so bad..in his arms....just relaxing and putting all of my horrible, horrible turmoil behind me...While we spoke, he was pulled over and given a ticket..he was upset..was going away for the weekend and was upset. I can't help but feel that he hates me...so to date..I have no idea of what is going on...where i stand with him...i did ask about rice and beans..he refused to answer the question...whats his problem? Whats the big friggin deal...who cares? Does he not realize that if he tells me he's still seeing this chick, that I would be completely grossed out..and not want anything to do with him..wouldn't even want him to touch me..as hard as they may be to want..but I do get grossed out by everything so easily...so why won't he just tell me..no to mention the fact that I really don't want to make a fool of myself....Either which way..I'm thinking..maybe we should try to be just friends..plain old friends..no kissing..since it obviously takes soooo frigin much out of him anyway....maybe he would be relieved if we were to be just friends..I know I can try..it would be cool to see if i could last....no really it would be cool...I know how weak he makes me...and it would be cool to see if I could fight my urges, my temptation, my bad, bad thoughts...I'm such a bad girl...I think I will try this approach....I think I will tell him.."H, Darling..I think we should be friends..just friends, pals, buddies, no kissing or anything." And of course, he would be relieved..he would say "Yes..my darling V....my special one...my clean and pure one....my queen...angel....princess....this is good as I want soooo much to be with other women BUT not you..so thank you darling for letting me off so easily.." And then we will see if I go nuts or if it works...Eh, this is hard...I know I called him for something..a reason unknown to myself...as I do not bother with people...all I do know is...that I want him with me..in my life..somewhere...to walk with me...this is all I know...anyway..I must go ....I will write soon....but for now..my eyes are getting tired....until next time, which I hope is soon....

Peter..

To my darling and dear nephew Peter....
Happy First Holy Communion...
I love you more than anything...even though you drive us all nuts...
I will have your gum ready for you after your big moment...
And yes, the first one on the line is always the cutest one...
So don't be nervous....eventhough I know you are....you will be great...
I love you...my Peter..
I Love You, Aunt V....