Blah

Just as the title staes, Blah. My mood has been so blah, could it be due to this rainy weather that we've been experiencing, could it be that the worst summer of my life is coming to an end? I don't know, maybe it is a mixture of things, I don't know, time will tell me; the only thing I trust-time. So as the weeks of pure relaxation and rest, yea right, are slowly coming to an end, I do, in a way look forward to work. Work is great. Work puts everything into perspective. I hate to say it, never thought I would, as much as I love being home, being idle is bad. Now lets take my H for example. You see, when things are great with us, yup, I sit all day and day dream about him....yes I do. The memory of his face, the memory of his body...the scent of his smell...that beautiful face, yup this puts me in that mood..the mood of just thinking of him all day. Now, on the other hand, when things are not so great, as they have been for the last 6 days, the vision is quite different. It becomes, no vision of H, just the dream of a new man...a new face, a new replacement....a man who loves me, a man who spoils me with his unending/undying attention and affection. A new man to welcome into my life, into my world, of meeting my family, of going out with, of getting dressed up for..wearing all of my clothes...my high heeled shoes for, yup---the vision of a dream man who appreciates me.
So with work, there is no time to day dream....no time spent on thinking about the man who has my heart...or thinking about the replacement man because my heart is broken and in need of repair. These are the two worlds that occupy my time.

So these past few days have been hard. I missed my H so badly. I sent him an IM, even friggin called, something I said I wouldn't do---as he never answers the phone....so rather than call, get annoyed, and allow my mind to wander....I just have always avoided it. So with being upset, comes my mom. Now my mom is the best to talk to---she listens, she gives good advice...knows me the best. Okay, big secret---I'm the tough one in the family---the hard ass---the one who does it all---but my mom, she knows---the absolute truth---my da---well, I guess he knows too---I think its safe to say---that when it comes to the people who made you, no one knows you better. So they know I'm the one with the biggest heart, this they always say---out loud---and my mother---she's pretty blunt---always says---right in front of my sisters---"I always thought you would've been the first one married---with 6 little kids running behind you--you would've been the best mother---yup, right in front of them---over and over---I always used to wonder--Ma, what the hell is wrong is with you?---people have said right out to my dad--and my mom--that one--(meaning me) is the best one---and I know they've always heard it, my sisters...and I know through my parents--it shows. I love my sisters, I think they are great parents---and I do a lot with their kids---even disciplining and teaching---had all those babies from day one---fromula, pamper changes, teething..sleepless nights...on the plane alone with a lap kid---I did my duty---I was the good aunt----

so getting back to my mom---she has had to listen to me complain about H for days----Ma, I think H hates me--Ma, I think H forgot me---Ma, I don't know what I did---and she listens---now, she was so happy that he came into my life===I've told her everything---every little detail of everything--she loves him, I know she does---but she thinks as I think, that he may have to have an aranged marriage....he may have another woman---so she thinks its best to keep busy---so I did---and I heard from him--on Sunday---as I was about to have a whole house full. Just hearing from him changed my mood. I had the biggest smile on my face, the warmest feeling through my body, the last thing my mom wants is to see me upset, moping, pining. I've been through too much in my life for heartbreak---with this, my image of his replacement vanished into thin air. I hear him---and the dream man disappears----poof---gone.

So this is where I'm at---over 24 hrs and no H----so the blah humdrum attitude is back..the talking tonite with my mother has resumed---the dream of a man who can give me attention, love me, make love to me...be in my arms...have my hugs and kisses--take me away---take me out---somewhere to enjoy, someplace to go--someone who understands how much I didn't go anywhere all summer, someone to talk to me---yup, that guy is back...and H is somewhere pushed to the back...he is getting lost---he is going---going further from me---I can feel it---its another woman----he is allowing this distance---because he's not working on me---not working on satisfying my need, my desire for his attention, his affection, his phone call...... him.

I am a strong believer in--If the heart is willing, it tries 1000 ways, when its not, it tries o ways. So I called him tonite---God, I'm trying here---but I'm losing ground, losing my H---the one I want, the one I simply love, the one who isn't paying attention to me...the one who is going to lose me....the one who loves another...he's going from me. He won't watch the snow with me.

I decided after so many years to get back into this game, this dumb game...where the rules are so different---I played and I lost---lost this first round---will I win the next?----what happens when you don't want a second round? what happens when the first round is all that you want, all that you need? what is there to do---when one stops trying........ It falls........

I Never Thought That I Could

Love Someone as Much as I Love You...I know it's crazy, but it's true.....eh, this song just about sums it up for me. Oh my H---what am I to do? Answer- nothing, just enjoy, don't rush, take it slow, don't question, don't analyze, just throw your arms out and free fall- just to see if he catches- just to see if he has your back. So I vented, I was upset, hurt--but not anything bad--its because I just wanted to see him, just wanted to be with him---and I felt that he didn't even care----I mean face it, when you have feelings of any kind for anyone and they aren't acknowledged it--it does become hurtful--it can be your best friend that you ask to go sit with you and have a cup of coffee---and she umm, just blows you off and never calls---so I vented-but then I was over it---and my H--my darling and most wonderful H--to my rescue once again, rescues me from the chains that bind me---my arms just fling open for him--he's the only one that makes it all better--makes it all go away---he calls-wants to know if Im mad---he could never know--what that voice does to me--to just hear him--aah--puts the biggest smile on my face, maybe I should never speak to him on the computer again---computer-bad, phone-good.

So my darling comes for me--oh, the aggressive behavior--the take charge man---the man that doesn't let it sit and simmer for umm a few days, which turns into weeks, which turns into wasted time, a heavy heart, a restless mind, a fucked up work week, aggravation, he doesn't sit and ponder, scratch his ass---nope, THE MAN---the boss of me---comes for me---embraces me with those arms--the arms that break my defenses down--the arms that hold me tight--the arms that tell me he's here, here for me, here with me...my H.

He understands me, understands my passion, understood my frustration...he was gentle--forgiving----he balances me---when I'm with him--I can be calm---I can be myself---he knows how to handle me---how to just diffuse it---and not make it spiral out of control---he brings it down---down to that point where its extinguished---he puts it right out and sets it straight, this is what I love him for...I try to do the same, when I have him in my arms--I want him to let go too....I can feel his uneasiness--I can sense his hurt, his disappointment---his lost sense of direction, his adamant duty to block it out and not embrace it---and when I hold him--I want him to feel safe to let go too, to let him know I got his back---to let him know--its okay---i can make it go away.

So this is what my H does to me---I never thought that I could love someone as much as I love him...someone that I prayed for soo long to come into my life---and its scary- I wont lie---scary to know that in life---one has to be careful of what they ask for---one has to be careful of what they dream about---of what they fantasize about---because----someone listens----and what you always dreamed of---you just may get. The hard part is in recognizing it and once you have, you must never let it go---but cherish it---and be thankful for it---someone was listening--someone smiled on you.....this is how much he makes me feel---feelings that were dormant for far too long---someone listened.

Confusion

So I just wrote and deleted my entry, as I just heard from my H, I love him and I miss him...as I'm sitting here in tears, I would give anything for him to wrap those arms around me, not say a word and just let me resolve the distance that he puts between us. Now he says that he didn't know he had to call me if he wasn't coming over. Now, this leaves me more confused. Look, I know he was at work, I know he works hard...and if its one thing that I hate to do, its to bother him during the work week, but I just wanted to see him...just wanted to be with him before my mom landed. And I get so friggin pissed because I feel as if he makes time for everyone else BUT me. He told me he was going out to dinner Monday night, which clearly means umm, he's making time for someone, giving someone the attention that I should have. I mean, I'm in this friggin house all week, moving, entertaining my family, have had no vacation. And there is so much that I want to do---God, Calgon, take me away. And I feel that if my H cared about me, he would spend time with ME, even if its a looong drive far away from this city....which I hate being in all summer, someplace where its just us---just the two of us--spending time together. How I am so upset for not going away as I do every summer. Now, I'll admit something, because I'm no chicken, I know I had a lot to do--moving wise--but with being with H 2 days before I was supposed to leave...I felt I would've missed him so much if I had left...and I did feel him different---he was being super duper nice---attentive---calling more---and sending me those little emails during the day, which makes me feel that he's thinking of me.....and now this----he didn't know he had to call............so what do I do....right now, things are tough for me----I need someone on my side---my team---not someone against me---not someone fighting with me---not someone who has me so friggin insecure with his damn girlfriends---I need a lot of attention---a lot of affection---its just what I'm used to---I got it my whole life from my family---an ex that loved me and had me on a pedestal----do I just cut my loses from H, who is really giveing me too much trouble and no attention---and look for a new man---Now, we all know--I detest dating---one thing my husband would never need to worry about would be me cheating---it would take so much work on my part--I'd say, "fuck this"...I hate meeting new people---and I don't get along with people--my guard is too up---for it to come down---I literally have to be with a man who has my back---someone who makes me feel safe---that its ok to let it down---that he umm--has my back.
So yesterday-----my bell rings...now I was at the house with my mom---we were in and out all day---so at one point---some guy rings my bell---with no for sale sign or anything on my house--this guy tells me he's a doctor and is interested in buying my house---now, my da is coming...so I told this guy---that it wasn't for sale---he said, I'm sur for the right price--it'll be. Now this pissed me off----my da has a few houses---to part with one is not something he's desperate to do--nor on his list of things to do---I think it would be great---it would stop me from running back here--------so this guy starts asking me if I live here and with whom---so I lied and said its just me and my da----he asked if I was married and if I had children--I told him I never married---now, I was getting annoyed--as I'm in my blue house dress---I have no bra on---no panties---and I'm talking to a stranger---I don't give a fuck what your profession is---its just kinda weird with me---as I think doctors have a thing for me---when I was in the hospital...my friggin doctor asked me out---now, isn't there a law or something that states he can't do that---I think he felt bad for me---he was Jewish, so I declined----no thank you.
So this doctor who mysteriously just drove up in front of my house---asks me out---I declined, as I'm quite shy and ummm, not interested---he asked if he can take me out---I said, nope, thats ok. So he gives me his number for my da--and writes 1.5 mil--So now I go in the house, tell my mom---she said that that's how I'd meet a man---if he rang the door bell for me---so we called my da----my da is a hard ass--he said---he's one mil too short---said he was sent---said there is more to it---now my da's no moron---he is quite sharp--had his own business for years, a landlord for 30+ years---and a great da who's been through way too much for any man to have to go through---so my mom said, that my da should tell the dr. that I come with the house---so I can always be here---she is so gay---no one has rang this bell for me in years---I was bad but didn't know it---being a bored kid--I used to collect the little ornaments off of the hood of the cars---I had cadillac, ford....you name it----I used to love collections---now I didn't think it was a bad thing---my brother even got into it to-----there were so many---until umm, the door bell rang-----------now I know my da worries---but I also know him---he will call this man--just to know who he is---see if I was being watched somehow---see what the deal is---just so he knows---my da is very protective---maybe this man saw me dragging the garbage can to the curb---or getting in my car---who knows---my da will fuck with him---my da is very experienced with people--he can tell things about people in 2 minutes flat and he's a lot like me---he doesn't like anyone---god, he's just like me---but its in a different way---its a protection thing---when you have bad things happen in your life---you feel as if people will not like you--or that people may judge you or that people could never understand---so you lead a simple, low key life---keeping no one close---because its easier---its better---you keep the ones that can put a smile on your face, not upset you, make you laugh...hold you when you need to be held, the ones who have your back---as you have theirs....other than that---all others, stay away!

My 100th Post - Enough

As its 4 in the morning, as I write my 1ooth post, I wish I can say I was in a better frame of mind, but I'm not. This whole summer has sucked for me....I did so much of nothing, spent too many days depressed, emotionally drained, all over a move that I have to say, I'm adjusting to. Ummm, while I'm sitting home writing this, I am okay with my big lifetime move, and I'm only home because my mother is in town as of yesterday. And I think we all know how much I love my mother. I came over bright and early, ran her to the doctors, had breakfast with my sister and nephew---went to my other sisters---chilled home for a bit----then back out to my 2 supermarkets...and by then, just spending hours of sitting outside, talking, I was too comfortable to leave. Home is home.



So with or talking, so much came up, so much came out. I know I'm changing, I feel it too much...and its all good. New job location, new place to live...a man finally in my life...But with these changes comes fear. And I feel that only my mom can understand. We spoke today about my brothers suicide---God, I am still so angry---how can I stop---just stop being so angry---when it comes up, which it never comes up around my dad, but with my mom, it comes up a lot, and I just start to cry. I can't talk about it---I'm just so friggin pissed---I mean really fucking pissed off---I swear I can just punch a friggin hole through a cement wall---thats how mad I get. So this is the last thing I need to work on---in terms of being a better person. So hopefully with my mom to talk to---before my dad comes----and with something that friggin eats away at me---I know I have to work harder on releasing my anger.



Now yesterday, as I picked my mom up from the airport, stopped by my sisters---as we were leaving, of course my 2 really wicked nephews jump in my car----strap themselves in and state that they're coming home with us...So of course, no problem. Wrong, my mom was still talking to my sister as Huey and Dewey buckle in----to butter up their auntie----my James says, "so how's Harris----when will we meet him" With that---I just said "H--- dumped me yesterday..so the little fresh one said--"Oh -well I didn't like him anyway---mind you, he never met him---they are just soo in my business, so into my life, I want to scream, but how I just adore them....so my mom gets in the car and in 1.2 seconds, her seatbelt not even buckled...I hear from James, "Nan, Harris dumped aunt V yesterday, so don't say anything"...Yup, this is what I live with. Now of course, my mom looks at me and wants to know what happened.



H is so distant----all weekend, nothing and he knew my mom was coming in on Wednesday, now missing him so bad on Sunday----I call and invite him for dinner, knowing my kitchen is not ready, I thought it would be fine if I cooked from home or ordered in---ok, I was shopping for an excuse to see him before my mother arrived---not that he wouldn't be able to come over or I wouldn't be able to see him----its just that he likes to smoke in my room and he wouldn't be able to if my mom is here---because if she did come over the next day---umm, she's like a human smoke detector---and the one thing they asked is for me to not smoke there--which, being obedient---i hadn't and wouldn't---because they asked---but I don't want H to be miserable either. So I invite him for either Monday or Tuesday---Monday morning he tells me he has a dinner date (probably with one of his loser girlfriends) and that he would let me know about Tuesday----to date---I have not heard from him----he just friggin blew me off---must've been some date---------so its safe to say that I hate him---I just really friggin hate him right now----I was so upset, so hurt----so now I am soooo done with him----and I will never invite him over, once I ask you to do something and you don't respond---I'll never ask again---I will never ask him to watch a video with me, watch a movie, now---I'll never ask him to come to dinner, never ask him over----since it takes so much friggin effort on his part to just even call and say, V- I can't make---V-maybe some other time....he screwed up my whole friggin day...showed no consideration what so ever. I want someone new, someone who can appreciate me, someone who is nice, someone who isn't with 900 girls, someone just for me, someone who appreciates me, someone who has consideration, someone who will appreciate their favorite things in my refrigerator---not H----I don't want him...as much as we get close to each other---he has to always friggin ruin it---which makes me shut down again---and not want him near me---touching me, kissing me, nothing....I need someone who has my back--all the time---where your feelings don't get hurt----he's such a jerk---he really is----I don't want him....I'm done---------I want him to go be with whomever he wants---just go---be with them---because they're not me----go. I want someone just for me..........someone who wants my love...my attention...my time.....my dinners....my bed....me----all of me..............so as I write this 100th post---unfortunately, its not a nice one---more of a , once again, broken hearted post....a post that reveals---in life---no one has your back---the way you have theirs-----------Time to move on....he hurt me for the last time---there's no way to fix it---he ruins our closeness---there's nothing left----why did he have to turn into such a JERK..............no more disappointments----I will go quietly.........