My 100th Post - Enough

As its 4 in the morning, as I write my 1ooth post, I wish I can say I was in a better frame of mind, but I'm not. This whole summer has sucked for me....I did so much of nothing, spent too many days depressed, emotionally drained, all over a move that I have to say, I'm adjusting to. Ummm, while I'm sitting home writing this, I am okay with my big lifetime move, and I'm only home because my mother is in town as of yesterday. And I think we all know how much I love my mother. I came over bright and early, ran her to the doctors, had breakfast with my sister and nephew---went to my other sisters---chilled home for a bit----then back out to my 2 supermarkets...and by then, just spending hours of sitting outside, talking, I was too comfortable to leave. Home is home.



So with or talking, so much came up, so much came out. I know I'm changing, I feel it too much...and its all good. New job location, new place to live...a man finally in my life...But with these changes comes fear. And I feel that only my mom can understand. We spoke today about my brothers suicide---God, I am still so angry---how can I stop---just stop being so angry---when it comes up, which it never comes up around my dad, but with my mom, it comes up a lot, and I just start to cry. I can't talk about it---I'm just so friggin pissed---I mean really fucking pissed off---I swear I can just punch a friggin hole through a cement wall---thats how mad I get. So this is the last thing I need to work on---in terms of being a better person. So hopefully with my mom to talk to---before my dad comes----and with something that friggin eats away at me---I know I have to work harder on releasing my anger.



Now yesterday, as I picked my mom up from the airport, stopped by my sisters---as we were leaving, of course my 2 really wicked nephews jump in my car----strap themselves in and state that they're coming home with us...So of course, no problem. Wrong, my mom was still talking to my sister as Huey and Dewey buckle in----to butter up their auntie----my James says, "so how's Harris----when will we meet him" With that---I just said "H--- dumped me yesterday..so the little fresh one said--"Oh -well I didn't like him anyway---mind you, he never met him---they are just soo in my business, so into my life, I want to scream, but how I just adore them....so my mom gets in the car and in 1.2 seconds, her seatbelt not even buckled...I hear from James, "Nan, Harris dumped aunt V yesterday, so don't say anything"...Yup, this is what I live with. Now of course, my mom looks at me and wants to know what happened.



H is so distant----all weekend, nothing and he knew my mom was coming in on Wednesday, now missing him so bad on Sunday----I call and invite him for dinner, knowing my kitchen is not ready, I thought it would be fine if I cooked from home or ordered in---ok, I was shopping for an excuse to see him before my mother arrived---not that he wouldn't be able to come over or I wouldn't be able to see him----its just that he likes to smoke in my room and he wouldn't be able to if my mom is here---because if she did come over the next day---umm, she's like a human smoke detector---and the one thing they asked is for me to not smoke there--which, being obedient---i hadn't and wouldn't---because they asked---but I don't want H to be miserable either. So I invite him for either Monday or Tuesday---Monday morning he tells me he has a dinner date (probably with one of his loser girlfriends) and that he would let me know about Tuesday----to date---I have not heard from him----he just friggin blew me off---must've been some date---------so its safe to say that I hate him---I just really friggin hate him right now----I was so upset, so hurt----so now I am soooo done with him----and I will never invite him over, once I ask you to do something and you don't respond---I'll never ask again---I will never ask him to watch a video with me, watch a movie, now---I'll never ask him to come to dinner, never ask him over----since it takes so much friggin effort on his part to just even call and say, V- I can't make---V-maybe some other time....he screwed up my whole friggin day...showed no consideration what so ever. I want someone new, someone who can appreciate me, someone who is nice, someone who isn't with 900 girls, someone just for me, someone who appreciates me, someone who has consideration, someone who will appreciate their favorite things in my refrigerator---not H----I don't want him...as much as we get close to each other---he has to always friggin ruin it---which makes me shut down again---and not want him near me---touching me, kissing me, nothing....I need someone who has my back--all the time---where your feelings don't get hurt----he's such a jerk---he really is----I don't want him....I'm done---------I want him to go be with whomever he wants---just go---be with them---because they're not me----go. I want someone just for me..........someone who wants my love...my attention...my time.....my dinners....my bed....me----all of me..............so as I write this 100th post---unfortunately, its not a nice one---more of a , once again, broken hearted post....a post that reveals---in life---no one has your back---the way you have theirs-----------Time to move on....he hurt me for the last time---there's no way to fix it---he ruins our closeness---there's nothing left----why did he have to turn into such a JERK..............no more disappointments----I will go quietly.........