Fly Me to the Moon.....
Warning: This may be a bit x-rated...
So yup, Frank Sinatra said it best and I have to say, besides being in such a blissful moment, smiling like a damn crack head, just sitting and smiling, feeling like a big stupid head, God, it's amazing. And I can't help but feel guilty. I can't help but wonder why this is happening to me. Things like this DO NOT happen to me, I repeat, never happen to me. Okay, okay...so I've been down and out for many years....and out of the clear crystal blue, after years upon years of prayers, how did I meet on my path, my horrible journey of what the hell is going to happen next, because it really doesn't get better, it only gets worse.... How the hell did I find this man?
Where did he come from, how can a man be soo intune to me, my needs, my hidden desire, my secret passion, the things I need a man to do for me, his sweet demeanor, his golden heart, his gorgeous face, that sexy voice, that gorgeous and absolutely perfect and flawless body. Where the hell did he come from? I thank God for him everyday...you have no idea. How does he know? It's unbelievable the way he just knew to take me out, how I long to go out, how I love to walk around, how I am having the crappiest summer ever, how I long for company..but good company..I don't hang with garbage, I'd rather be alone. Where did he come from? I look at him and I swear, I stare at him and just wonder...how the hell is he so perfect....how?
So yes, my H....my darling and precious H. How I just love and adore this man. How I enjoy my every moment with him, even if its a fighting time, which its always him fighting with me...for basically nothing...hmm....sometimes I think it is HE who is sexually frustrated, and not the other way around...always bitchin and complaining about something I did, something I didn't do...and blah blah blah...and he's not like me--I say it once, get it out and I'm done....H---hell NO---he goes on and on and on..for freakin days.....that I don't know friggin take out food...and I did feel bad...I swear I did...I adore him, of course I want to do things that will make him happy...its never something I would do on purpose---so there's a difference----I didn't purposely not order in because I didn't feel like it---nope, I truthfully didn't know---and the time factor freakin sucked---I didn't on purpose....not get dressed and go to the video store---again, time factor--who's fault---yup H. But he never sees it that way...so I just yes him to death, swear I'll make it up, which I will...and pray his friggin period ends soon., his drama, his endless complaints about me. Thank God I have the patience of a saint for this man.Yep, I'm the angel, he's the devil...isn't that always the deal?
So anyway....my darling H...came to me Saturday...when I tell you...the sweetest things he does. Now my move from hell is no joke, I need new everything and doubles of everything I already have, down to my cooking stuff...now, not having the place ideally as I need it to be, the last thing I will do is cook there...yeah, it's easier for me to run home, where everything is, with my eyes closed and do what will take me forever to do in a place where I don't have everything i need. Try explaining this to a man----its a foregn language---but my H, how I love him. He brough over the most amazing Lamb and rice--friggin comfort food that I needed and craved so bad....let me tell you..I will never as long as I live, ever forget...one of my best times with H, was when he took me to this stand in the city....I swear, i died and went to heaven. I tell everyone about it, except I forgot where it was...that would be H...I never see anything or anyone when I'm with him..it's the weirdest thing...there is no concept of time...surrounding...nothing. But anyway..he comes...and now I had a bottle of wine, from one of the kids..a gift I had received so long ago and I always waited to enjoy it at the right moment...mind you, everything in my kitchen is a gift..as I look around at all that I have..they're all gifts...things given to me through the years. Call me sentimental..but I feel as if I have a little piece of everyone with me.
Back to my H...so I NEVER drink..yup, was always that good girl that you loved to hate. Now my ex was a nut, so I was warned from young, or should I say trained. He always told me, I even catch you drinking--fugget about it---so I just never did it. Smoking--the first time I lit up in front of him, I'd never forget. We were pulling into a gas station, he smoked marlboro reds, always kept them in that middle thing....I slipped one out of his pack, put it to my lips...he looked at me...said put it out--put it out now---grabbed it out of my mouth and threw it out the window. He said "so you smoke now? Why because M smokes"---so I had this gfriend - M- close to me for about 9 yrs, a bit on the wild side--how my ex hated her. So whatever I did or thought, she got blamed for--she used to go with lots of guys---had lots of boyfriends--but I loved her.....we actually stopped talking about 10 yrs ago....she went through a lot--low and behold, became like everyone else that I know, no sense of self--copying me down to my shoes, my bags, my little sayings....would call me from the nail place before she got painted to ask me what color I had on my feet and nails--rather fucking annoying---could I find a fuckin normal friend? I swear, story of my life---and I fucking hate it....so I couldn't take it any more, told her I had enough..couldn't be her friend---a friend likes you for you---doesn't become a carbon copy of you---fuckin sucks---I choose to be alone. I'm better off. I mean, how would someone like it if I did that to them? With me, I don't even care for your opinion on my clothes, my shoes, myself...I do what I have to do...and I don't care for anyones opinion, never ask...as the one that usually gives it..is the one to watch out for---chances are--i'd still look better in a little dress and heels anyday over the one that tries to make you so fuckin insecure---and I fuckin hate being so insecure....this is what people do to you---"you're so called fuckin friends"....
So back to my H...I know...I get side tracked a lot...he comes to me...now I know when I like someone---because I hate everybody---my H....I just love....it's like he just knows when I need him, a friend...above all of the love that there is romantically that one can have for another---I have to say...when I say i love him so much...I love the friend I have in him...the friend that I found in him...the friend that I can tell anything to...as much as he doesn't know about my life, my family...my lost brother....the suicide....all of the things that I feel will make him understand me and why i'm the way that I am..why its so friggin hard for me to be around people...how hard it is to not feel that people are looking at me....and knowing the pain that never goes away. What he does do---is he makes it go away when I'm with him..when I'm with him and I laugh, when I'm with him and I can be my crazy self...when I'm with him and I can forget for just that moment...all of the pain that my father has inside..the pain that pushes me so much to take care of everything in this family...until I'm ready to collaspse...so H is my joy, my happiness..my escape...I don't need to worry that he'll back stab me, where my fuckin polish, check out my shoes and fuckin go buy them.....nope, my H is just there for me---just for me---to feel so happy before its back to grim reality. When I'm with him....I never want that time to end...I can't beg him...I can't force him...I can't show him...I can't tell him...but I know he knows I just love him.
So the more he's with me, the better I feel...about myself, my life, my family, everything. I have this certain level of loyalty to him, a certain level of adoration for him..I adore the way he just does things...goes places...up and moves....where as I always need to remain put, to give everyone peace of mind. Always being the bandaid, but now I have a bandaid---just for me. My H rescued me....and for this I love him...sometimes I wish we didn't get physical...as I know I'd always be with him...I know he wouldn't be thinking deeply into things...as I know he does and I friggin hate it...I would call him up and say....hey, wanna see a movie tonite....hey, wanna go eat at the stand....hey wanna take a long drive to the country...hey come over for dinner at my sisters...hey come to my barbeque, my parents are here----hey lets take a walk by the park and just sit on the benches..they way I would say to bets or jeannie...just regular...I want him like this...but he is tooo analytical...and I hate it....I love my friend...but now we are physical...I don't know..now don't get me wrong---I love it---God, how I love it----but there's something different...and I can't explain it----now, we kiss a lot----I mean a real lot----and I swear...not to be overly analytical myself----but those kisses reveal more---even though they are like boyfriend/girlfriend kisses----they just seem different----its more like..."thank god i found you, i need you..don't get scared...don't read so deep...don't go...just stay...you're my friend that I just love..I just love you"
So yup, Frank Sinatra said it best and I have to say, besides being in such a blissful moment, smiling like a damn crack head, just sitting and smiling, feeling like a big stupid head, God, it's amazing. And I can't help but feel guilty. I can't help but wonder why this is happening to me. Things like this DO NOT happen to me, I repeat, never happen to me. Okay, okay...so I've been down and out for many years....and out of the clear crystal blue, after years upon years of prayers, how did I meet on my path, my horrible journey of what the hell is going to happen next, because it really doesn't get better, it only gets worse.... How the hell did I find this man?
Where did he come from, how can a man be soo intune to me, my needs, my hidden desire, my secret passion, the things I need a man to do for me, his sweet demeanor, his golden heart, his gorgeous face, that sexy voice, that gorgeous and absolutely perfect and flawless body. Where the hell did he come from? I thank God for him everyday...you have no idea. How does he know? It's unbelievable the way he just knew to take me out, how I long to go out, how I love to walk around, how I am having the crappiest summer ever, how I long for company..but good company..I don't hang with garbage, I'd rather be alone. Where did he come from? I look at him and I swear, I stare at him and just wonder...how the hell is he so perfect....how?
So yes, my H....my darling and precious H. How I just love and adore this man. How I enjoy my every moment with him, even if its a fighting time, which its always him fighting with me...for basically nothing...hmm....sometimes I think it is HE who is sexually frustrated, and not the other way around...always bitchin and complaining about something I did, something I didn't do...and blah blah blah...and he's not like me--I say it once, get it out and I'm done....H---hell NO---he goes on and on and on..for freakin days.....that I don't know friggin take out food...and I did feel bad...I swear I did...I adore him, of course I want to do things that will make him happy...its never something I would do on purpose---so there's a difference----I didn't purposely not order in because I didn't feel like it---nope, I truthfully didn't know---and the time factor freakin sucked---I didn't on purpose....not get dressed and go to the video store---again, time factor--who's fault---yup H. But he never sees it that way...so I just yes him to death, swear I'll make it up, which I will...and pray his friggin period ends soon., his drama, his endless complaints about me. Thank God I have the patience of a saint for this man.Yep, I'm the angel, he's the devil...isn't that always the deal?
So anyway....my darling H...came to me Saturday...when I tell you...the sweetest things he does. Now my move from hell is no joke, I need new everything and doubles of everything I already have, down to my cooking stuff...now, not having the place ideally as I need it to be, the last thing I will do is cook there...yeah, it's easier for me to run home, where everything is, with my eyes closed and do what will take me forever to do in a place where I don't have everything i need. Try explaining this to a man----its a foregn language---but my H, how I love him. He brough over the most amazing Lamb and rice--friggin comfort food that I needed and craved so bad....let me tell you..I will never as long as I live, ever forget...one of my best times with H, was when he took me to this stand in the city....I swear, i died and went to heaven. I tell everyone about it, except I forgot where it was...that would be H...I never see anything or anyone when I'm with him..it's the weirdest thing...there is no concept of time...surrounding...nothing. But anyway..he comes...and now I had a bottle of wine, from one of the kids..a gift I had received so long ago and I always waited to enjoy it at the right moment...mind you, everything in my kitchen is a gift..as I look around at all that I have..they're all gifts...things given to me through the years. Call me sentimental..but I feel as if I have a little piece of everyone with me.
Back to my H...so I NEVER drink..yup, was always that good girl that you loved to hate. Now my ex was a nut, so I was warned from young, or should I say trained. He always told me, I even catch you drinking--fugget about it---so I just never did it. Smoking--the first time I lit up in front of him, I'd never forget. We were pulling into a gas station, he smoked marlboro reds, always kept them in that middle thing....I slipped one out of his pack, put it to my lips...he looked at me...said put it out--put it out now---grabbed it out of my mouth and threw it out the window. He said "so you smoke now? Why because M smokes"---so I had this gfriend - M- close to me for about 9 yrs, a bit on the wild side--how my ex hated her. So whatever I did or thought, she got blamed for--she used to go with lots of guys---had lots of boyfriends--but I loved her.....we actually stopped talking about 10 yrs ago....she went through a lot--low and behold, became like everyone else that I know, no sense of self--copying me down to my shoes, my bags, my little sayings....would call me from the nail place before she got painted to ask me what color I had on my feet and nails--rather fucking annoying---could I find a fuckin normal friend? I swear, story of my life---and I fucking hate it....so I couldn't take it any more, told her I had enough..couldn't be her friend---a friend likes you for you---doesn't become a carbon copy of you---fuckin sucks---I choose to be alone. I'm better off. I mean, how would someone like it if I did that to them? With me, I don't even care for your opinion on my clothes, my shoes, myself...I do what I have to do...and I don't care for anyones opinion, never ask...as the one that usually gives it..is the one to watch out for---chances are--i'd still look better in a little dress and heels anyday over the one that tries to make you so fuckin insecure---and I fuckin hate being so insecure....this is what people do to you---"you're so called fuckin friends"....
So back to my H...I know...I get side tracked a lot...he comes to me...now I know when I like someone---because I hate everybody---my H....I just love....it's like he just knows when I need him, a friend...above all of the love that there is romantically that one can have for another---I have to say...when I say i love him so much...I love the friend I have in him...the friend that I found in him...the friend that I can tell anything to...as much as he doesn't know about my life, my family...my lost brother....the suicide....all of the things that I feel will make him understand me and why i'm the way that I am..why its so friggin hard for me to be around people...how hard it is to not feel that people are looking at me....and knowing the pain that never goes away. What he does do---is he makes it go away when I'm with him..when I'm with him and I laugh, when I'm with him and I can be my crazy self...when I'm with him and I can forget for just that moment...all of the pain that my father has inside..the pain that pushes me so much to take care of everything in this family...until I'm ready to collaspse...so H is my joy, my happiness..my escape...I don't need to worry that he'll back stab me, where my fuckin polish, check out my shoes and fuckin go buy them.....nope, my H is just there for me---just for me---to feel so happy before its back to grim reality. When I'm with him....I never want that time to end...I can't beg him...I can't force him...I can't show him...I can't tell him...but I know he knows I just love him.
So the more he's with me, the better I feel...about myself, my life, my family, everything. I have this certain level of loyalty to him, a certain level of adoration for him..I adore the way he just does things...goes places...up and moves....where as I always need to remain put, to give everyone peace of mind. Always being the bandaid, but now I have a bandaid---just for me. My H rescued me....and for this I love him...sometimes I wish we didn't get physical...as I know I'd always be with him...I know he wouldn't be thinking deeply into things...as I know he does and I friggin hate it...I would call him up and say....hey, wanna see a movie tonite....hey, wanna go eat at the stand....hey wanna take a long drive to the country...hey come over for dinner at my sisters...hey come to my barbeque, my parents are here----hey lets take a walk by the park and just sit on the benches..they way I would say to bets or jeannie...just regular...I want him like this...but he is tooo analytical...and I hate it....I love my friend...but now we are physical...I don't know..now don't get me wrong---I love it---God, how I love it----but there's something different...and I can't explain it----now, we kiss a lot----I mean a real lot----and I swear...not to be overly analytical myself----but those kisses reveal more---even though they are like boyfriend/girlfriend kisses----they just seem different----its more like..."thank god i found you, i need you..don't get scared...don't read so deep...don't go...just stay...you're my friend that I just love..I just love you"
posted by vita86lover at 8:23 PM
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