A Whole Month And Nada
So I've been moving now for ummm about a month. It is the most annoying thing to do, what a waste of time and energy. I guess I've always been so comfortable in life that I've taken for granted not buying every little thing I may need, detaching myself from a familiar place for far too long. More than the physical work, I have been through an emotional roller coaster that I don't feel anyone can understand, except my mom. So even up until today, with our long daily conversations, I have to say, she is the only person who truly understands me, emotionally. And lets face it, there are certain times when my emotions are just way too magnified and the best thing is for me to steer clear from all that I love. Or you can come close, but its like walking on egg shells...so be extra nice and watch every word that you say.
So my mother, has she given up on me, has both of my most wonderful parents given up on me? You see, both of my sisters got married from home. They both only left the house because they married. I don't feel my father could've understood if one of my sisters had wanted to move out...be on their own...in other words, have a life...and maybe a different man in one's bed every night. Nope, not something he would've entertained. So with my moving, I can't help but wonder----what the hell are they thinking? Are they stupid....Do they not realize how free I am...I can become a slut......I could be gone for weeks and weeks and no one would know....well, I have a cell phone of course, but you know what I mean. God, who knew after being so good to my parents...that oneday, they would just forget all morals , all values, all codes in one freakin second, it's so hard raising parents these days.
Now, I was just trying my dad, being the youngest and I know, his favorite...I just can't imagine that he is allowing this. So feeling so weird for the past few weeks...I must say, this is the 3rd day that I've felt much, much better.....mind wise. I just can't help but wonder if they have given up on me...maybe to someday marry. Now, with 2 sisters married, they both had major beautiful weddings...everyone always said...they couldn't wait for my wedding...everyone always said, they would love to see my father on that day. So I always took it in....but I don't know what happened. You see, with my ex.....I knew from day 1, I never wanted to marry him..so of course, that never changed- could never see him with me 30 - 40 yrs down the road...maybe how my parents are at this age..when they cuddle on the couch, watching a movie..sharing their grapes----I never saw that with him....I wouldn't share the grapes. I was always not one to date, not to venture out and get to know the bullshit ways of other men....ummm who doesn't have a job, no direction, no purpose, mommy issues, daddy issues, shows no respect, no understanding, no compassion..blah, blah....WHO CARES...not me! I figured in my head, I was safer with the one who had my back...and I weighed, all of the negative vs the positive...as this exist in everyone, myself included....so sometimes we just stick with the one who has the nicest ways, work responsible, respectful, you know he's not knocking you out behind closed doors or being insultive or demeaning...which I feel most men are...(I hear too much stories)...so we chose in our partner, the things that are closest to our heart, the one with the less amt. of baggage, the one who truly cares for us. So after my ex..and now, almost 7 yrs. of no one, I feel bad that that day may never come. Did I take away a moment for him that he always wanted to see? With my life now starting to live again, is it too late? With his age, getting older, will I die if I found someone whom I can share life and love with...but then lose the man I admire the most, and then have that moment, but not with him to see it? So these are the things going through my mind...these are the things that had me depressed about my big move...the deep, deep inside thoughts that I can only and always express to my mom. If I were to ever marry, my dad would cry like a baby. I guess I feel as if I need that great guy...the best guy..I feel as if I would disappoint him if I brought home the wrong guy...and with the ex....he always used to say...your father knows I keep you good...being used to a certain way...living a certain life..and then being exposed to the garbage men out there--I feel as if I'm better off alone---not to let my dad down.
So I know I'm feeling differently now...and with that....ugh...ok, can't keep the secret...yup...my H. How I just adore this man. Eh, he hates me, loves those white, white chicks from the Hamptons too much...ugh...but I love him...so he came over to my place on Monday...now I was supposed to leave town Wednesday night---ugh, another long story...but how I needed so much to see him. Now, he gives me trouble...a lot of friggin trouble. I never knew dating could be so friggin hard, it's not my thing...I mean I met him, I loved him from day 1...so am I supposed to keep dating, to see if I find someone "better, nicer, sweeter".....I don't know. Isn't that why people date? So what happens when you go on the goddamn date and you like the guy...and then a few more...and then you realize...hmm, I like him..so many things about him...love being with him..love talking to him..love sharing with him, love the idea that he is a good person, not a bad person. Do I have to date 5 or 10 more guys to know that I want to see what happens here...nope, I do not. Do I need to keep dating....am I supposed to? Now, whenever I meet someone...they always end up liking me---I have yet to come across a man in the last 20+ years of my life that didn't like me....all of my ex's friends liked me...what a problem..he lost so many of his friends...and I felt bad..I did....ok, not really....but when you have me around them....and I'm no flirt....I'm always just myself...I speak my mind...I know I have a playful comical side....and then it happens....they like me.....so I don't date, as I am frightened...frightened of men....had a stalker recently...a bad episode....and I just hate being around men. I don't feel the need to go out looking for someone when the person in front of me--fills me with a certain level of content from just being next to me, and mind you, I can't stand people...I hate everyone.
So he comes to see me...and of course, he must think I have friggin rabies or something...I just drool at the mouth for him. I think he is so incredibly sexy....he's been nice...so I think somewhere in his brain..it has finally clicked...that nice makes him sexy to me...nice makes me nuts for him...nice, forget it, my clothes come right off. Now face it, I'm from Brooklyn...did I have to date 5 or 10 guys to know that there are dicky men out there..guys that just really deep down hate women...you know, those really weak and pathetic guys that hmmm, my ex would tell me about? Guys that are just assholes...guys that don't know how to be attentive, nurturing...Guys that just don't know the deal?? Face it---we all love that guy---where we can call up our girlfriends...call up our sisters....and say---guess what he did for me, guess where he's taking me---guess what he bought me---We all want them to sit there and say--"wow, what a guy---god, you are soooo lucky---and then your man wins the hearts of everyone---as much of a prick that he may be on the inside to others---he has your whole family, your friends thinking Jesus Christ himself just came down off the cross...and now, he's your man...yup, they think he's God. Nope, didn't have to experience it to know it...don't have to put my hand on the stove to know that I'll get friggin burnt, no need to experience all of the different men and their bullshit drama, to know what I like in a man, what I need in a man. I love to learn through wisdom, from others, experiencing less as possible, but knowing things, completely in detail...I think it causes less pain. So back to jerky men...if a guy is a jerk to me...I would tell him in 2 seconds where he could go. I'm no sucker..not one for games, not one for dealing with any man's bullshit.
Now H...oh god, how he loves taking chances...what a risk taker...what the hell is he thinking...he's going to lose me....so he is actually telling me that he's going out, to check out girls...and blah, blah, blah..and here I am...holding the phone and listening to him. Now what the hell keeps me from saying..."good, go....find someone you like better---just friggin go already...he could probably find someone better than me....as all of last night...I listened to " I, Who Have Nothing"...God, I loved it when Jordan sang it on American Idol....so I listened to it all night, while he was out..realizing that I have nothing to offer this man---not even a bottle opener---another long story..nothing..I have nothing that other girls can give him..the stuff he wants...I don't have that stuff. But its so weird...all I have to do is hear him..and I'm lost for words, the good words, the cuss words..the fightin words....the four letter ones....Lost, gone...into the abyss...into the black hole..he just melts me....
Now he freakin threatened me before he came over...he said if things are going to get serious...he will stop talking to me....just throw me out..forget about me forever...now I don't want to be without him...so I have to play my tough hard ass role of not being phased by his numerous lovers. This is hard...you see, when H is super duper nice...and I feel comfortable..and I'm relaxed...and I feel like yea, he's got my back....my 10 layer wall crumbles...and he actually gets to witness the real me...the real me that no one really gets to see...the one that hates being on guard..the one who hates being so tough...the one who acts as if she's not phased by one thing in the world....This part he gets to see---the real me that feels its okay to come out....the soft me...the vulnerable me.....will the real V please stand up...so after a few weeks of turmoil and shaking a bad phase...its all going to be good...the much needed changes that have been so stagnant for years....with finally, a man whom I enjoy tremendously that I can't show....a new place to call home...a new job to commence soon.....hmmm.......should I be out dating???????
(Dating sucks- the only ones out there, are the ones that no one wants----if I went out a few weekends in a row..hmm, I wonder how long it would take before some man comes across me...would these weekends out turn into every friggin weekend of being out?? I don't think so...I'd be with my man, just my man...and I hate to put myself in certain categories...but I am not the type of woman one will stumble along at the weekend pub slash club...nope--those are "those"---the ones my H loves---what do i do? Do I need to date??? To try and find what I already found and cherish? I'm so confused.
So my mother, has she given up on me, has both of my most wonderful parents given up on me? You see, both of my sisters got married from home. They both only left the house because they married. I don't feel my father could've understood if one of my sisters had wanted to move out...be on their own...in other words, have a life...and maybe a different man in one's bed every night. Nope, not something he would've entertained. So with my moving, I can't help but wonder----what the hell are they thinking? Are they stupid....Do they not realize how free I am...I can become a slut......I could be gone for weeks and weeks and no one would know....well, I have a cell phone of course, but you know what I mean. God, who knew after being so good to my parents...that oneday, they would just forget all morals , all values, all codes in one freakin second, it's so hard raising parents these days.
Now, I was just trying my dad, being the youngest and I know, his favorite...I just can't imagine that he is allowing this. So feeling so weird for the past few weeks...I must say, this is the 3rd day that I've felt much, much better.....mind wise. I just can't help but wonder if they have given up on me...maybe to someday marry. Now, with 2 sisters married, they both had major beautiful weddings...everyone always said...they couldn't wait for my wedding...everyone always said, they would love to see my father on that day. So I always took it in....but I don't know what happened. You see, with my ex.....I knew from day 1, I never wanted to marry him..so of course, that never changed- could never see him with me 30 - 40 yrs down the road...maybe how my parents are at this age..when they cuddle on the couch, watching a movie..sharing their grapes----I never saw that with him....I wouldn't share the grapes. I was always not one to date, not to venture out and get to know the bullshit ways of other men....ummm who doesn't have a job, no direction, no purpose, mommy issues, daddy issues, shows no respect, no understanding, no compassion..blah, blah....WHO CARES...not me! I figured in my head, I was safer with the one who had my back...and I weighed, all of the negative vs the positive...as this exist in everyone, myself included....so sometimes we just stick with the one who has the nicest ways, work responsible, respectful, you know he's not knocking you out behind closed doors or being insultive or demeaning...which I feel most men are...(I hear too much stories)...so we chose in our partner, the things that are closest to our heart, the one with the less amt. of baggage, the one who truly cares for us. So after my ex..and now, almost 7 yrs. of no one, I feel bad that that day may never come. Did I take away a moment for him that he always wanted to see? With my life now starting to live again, is it too late? With his age, getting older, will I die if I found someone whom I can share life and love with...but then lose the man I admire the most, and then have that moment, but not with him to see it? So these are the things going through my mind...these are the things that had me depressed about my big move...the deep, deep inside thoughts that I can only and always express to my mom. If I were to ever marry, my dad would cry like a baby. I guess I feel as if I need that great guy...the best guy..I feel as if I would disappoint him if I brought home the wrong guy...and with the ex....he always used to say...your father knows I keep you good...being used to a certain way...living a certain life..and then being exposed to the garbage men out there--I feel as if I'm better off alone---not to let my dad down.
So I know I'm feeling differently now...and with that....ugh...ok, can't keep the secret...yup...my H. How I just adore this man. Eh, he hates me, loves those white, white chicks from the Hamptons too much...ugh...but I love him...so he came over to my place on Monday...now I was supposed to leave town Wednesday night---ugh, another long story...but how I needed so much to see him. Now, he gives me trouble...a lot of friggin trouble. I never knew dating could be so friggin hard, it's not my thing...I mean I met him, I loved him from day 1...so am I supposed to keep dating, to see if I find someone "better, nicer, sweeter".....I don't know. Isn't that why people date? So what happens when you go on the goddamn date and you like the guy...and then a few more...and then you realize...hmm, I like him..so many things about him...love being with him..love talking to him..love sharing with him, love the idea that he is a good person, not a bad person. Do I have to date 5 or 10 more guys to know that I want to see what happens here...nope, I do not. Do I need to keep dating....am I supposed to? Now, whenever I meet someone...they always end up liking me---I have yet to come across a man in the last 20+ years of my life that didn't like me....all of my ex's friends liked me...what a problem..he lost so many of his friends...and I felt bad..I did....ok, not really....but when you have me around them....and I'm no flirt....I'm always just myself...I speak my mind...I know I have a playful comical side....and then it happens....they like me.....so I don't date, as I am frightened...frightened of men....had a stalker recently...a bad episode....and I just hate being around men. I don't feel the need to go out looking for someone when the person in front of me--fills me with a certain level of content from just being next to me, and mind you, I can't stand people...I hate everyone.
So he comes to see me...and of course, he must think I have friggin rabies or something...I just drool at the mouth for him. I think he is so incredibly sexy....he's been nice...so I think somewhere in his brain..it has finally clicked...that nice makes him sexy to me...nice makes me nuts for him...nice, forget it, my clothes come right off. Now face it, I'm from Brooklyn...did I have to date 5 or 10 guys to know that there are dicky men out there..guys that just really deep down hate women...you know, those really weak and pathetic guys that hmmm, my ex would tell me about? Guys that are just assholes...guys that don't know how to be attentive, nurturing...Guys that just don't know the deal?? Face it---we all love that guy---where we can call up our girlfriends...call up our sisters....and say---guess what he did for me, guess where he's taking me---guess what he bought me---We all want them to sit there and say--"wow, what a guy---god, you are soooo lucky---and then your man wins the hearts of everyone---as much of a prick that he may be on the inside to others---he has your whole family, your friends thinking Jesus Christ himself just came down off the cross...and now, he's your man...yup, they think he's God. Nope, didn't have to experience it to know it...don't have to put my hand on the stove to know that I'll get friggin burnt, no need to experience all of the different men and their bullshit drama, to know what I like in a man, what I need in a man. I love to learn through wisdom, from others, experiencing less as possible, but knowing things, completely in detail...I think it causes less pain. So back to jerky men...if a guy is a jerk to me...I would tell him in 2 seconds where he could go. I'm no sucker..not one for games, not one for dealing with any man's bullshit.
Now H...oh god, how he loves taking chances...what a risk taker...what the hell is he thinking...he's going to lose me....so he is actually telling me that he's going out, to check out girls...and blah, blah, blah..and here I am...holding the phone and listening to him. Now what the hell keeps me from saying..."good, go....find someone you like better---just friggin go already...he could probably find someone better than me....as all of last night...I listened to " I, Who Have Nothing"...God, I loved it when Jordan sang it on American Idol....so I listened to it all night, while he was out..realizing that I have nothing to offer this man---not even a bottle opener---another long story..nothing..I have nothing that other girls can give him..the stuff he wants...I don't have that stuff. But its so weird...all I have to do is hear him..and I'm lost for words, the good words, the cuss words..the fightin words....the four letter ones....Lost, gone...into the abyss...into the black hole..he just melts me....
Now he freakin threatened me before he came over...he said if things are going to get serious...he will stop talking to me....just throw me out..forget about me forever...now I don't want to be without him...so I have to play my tough hard ass role of not being phased by his numerous lovers. This is hard...you see, when H is super duper nice...and I feel comfortable..and I'm relaxed...and I feel like yea, he's got my back....my 10 layer wall crumbles...and he actually gets to witness the real me...the real me that no one really gets to see...the one that hates being on guard..the one who hates being so tough...the one who acts as if she's not phased by one thing in the world....This part he gets to see---the real me that feels its okay to come out....the soft me...the vulnerable me.....will the real V please stand up...so after a few weeks of turmoil and shaking a bad phase...its all going to be good...the much needed changes that have been so stagnant for years....with finally, a man whom I enjoy tremendously that I can't show....a new place to call home...a new job to commence soon.....hmmm.......should I be out dating???????
(Dating sucks- the only ones out there, are the ones that no one wants----if I went out a few weekends in a row..hmm, I wonder how long it would take before some man comes across me...would these weekends out turn into every friggin weekend of being out?? I don't think so...I'd be with my man, just my man...and I hate to put myself in certain categories...but I am not the type of woman one will stumble along at the weekend pub slash club...nope--those are "those"---the ones my H loves---what do i do? Do I need to date??? To try and find what I already found and cherish? I'm so confused.
posted by vita86lover at 7:40 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home