Absolutely Nothing
So today, I did absolutley nothing and it felt great...okay, here is my dilemma...this moving deal sucks, it is the hardest thing ever for me to do. I talked with my mom a few times today about it. She assures me that once she lands next week and I have a shopping buddy...that I will feel better. I just love my home too much, I even brought up the fact that maybe my brother should move instead. She is convinced that it is I who needs to be detached from it all. I mean how will he care for 3 floors and a basement, when I'm the one....and don't get grossed out here...who still has to clean his pis bowl for him? How is he able to handle it, in a way, I know what my mother is doing...she is tring to show him how much I do...when hey, there's no milk, no toilet paper, no food shopping going on....then he'll realize what he has to do- dumb ass. So I'm trying to follow along with this plan. Now don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for all that is given to me, my dad has a pure heart of gold. But this is just sooooo hard. I'm hoping once my mom comes, I'll have one person to help excite me, besides H...which will help me to pull it together and stop procrastinating the inevitable.
So my H...yep he has me confused. I can't tell if he's mad at me, annoyed or just has his friggin period. Of all days, I left my phone around the corner until about midday. So when I went to get it, I had a few missed calls and low and behold...one from 9 in the a.m. was from my honey. Now, at that hour, I was still sleeping, still dreaming of him----naked----oops...my bad.
He left me a 2 second message which of course I replayed about 50 times---oh god, that voice..I wanted to kick myself, real hard, for missing that call...uh, to wake up to that voice...so sexy.
I was so concerned about his lip, ok, the other day..I bit his lip...now, I know I hurt him..again, I didn't mean to...wasn't on purpose...it was more like a panicky moment...and my defenses are usually way too razor sharp....I do tend to be rather on guard..but again, that would be because of my life...and I have warned him that I can fight...I did endure a major beatin from a man twice my size..you live and learn....so my guard needs to chill the fuck down...I'm working on it, I swear and I have asked him to help me...but anyway...I know I hurt him...and I was concerned..and for the record, I'd never hurt him...if things started to get weird on us...I would talk about it...the only thing that would make me hurt him..is if some man came along a swept me off of my feet...and lets face it...if your man sweeps you off your feet constantly, has you crazy and nuts for him...has that hold on you....you ain't goin anywhere....no man can come along and sweep you away unless if something's missing...show me a man who keeps his woman happy...and there is nothing that can penetrate it....it becomes solid...no one gets through...the other person never lets you go...never lets you down....he's always there--your friggin shadow, he has your back....he's all of the prince charming you need....no comparison thing going one----like hmm, my man isn't treating me like that, my man never tells me that.....u get the idea.....so missing him so bad on sunday..I called just to let him know that I was worried...of course, he never calls back immediately...I could be dying somewhere...and he'd return the call the next day, when I'm dead. Now, I'm not dumb...now, I may play dumb a lot..but that's really undercover...its for me to be able to really see just how dumb someone else is...but I'm not dumb..I know he was with a woman...some bimbo who doesn't allow him to answer his phone or retrieve his messages, so to make this long story short, I called back immediately as soon as I got the message. Now I'm not one for playing games..he calls me..eh, I call right back...I'm not into games...and I care for him...so I won't fuck around with him...as I wouldn't want him to do that to me....
so anyway---I left a message...p.s.--he called me back on the way home, said he was fine and that he was being a drama queen...now yes, my H could be drama..but not with this...because I know it hurt, I know I had hurt him....so I couldn't help but wonder if he was puttin on that tough guy act....but he said he was fine. I don't believe him. Now I'm trying to think if I ever mentioned his drama to him and I have....he really upset me so bad last week because he was in my neck of the woods and refused to come see me...this upset me..because if I was ever in his neck of the woods...and I friggin tell him I'm like right there....and he tells me to come by...and I blow him off..I wonder how he would feel....so I felt bad...it was as if he was lashing out at me for no reason..so I figured he had a bad day or something....and I let it go...now remember..I'm highly trained...so I'm good at letting things go....as I've learned that once the person calms down from being so in your face, so hurtful...he makes it up....and with him coming to see me Saturday..i never mentioned how much that hurt me....because his actions said he was sorry and it was good enough for me. I just love him. I think the closer you get to someone and the more you learn about them...the more we're able to adapt and get along. Now I think we get along great...but back to the phone call....my H pulls away from me....I can feel it...when things are smooth....he can't flow...he withdraws back........and I let him. Now I'm very verbal, very communicative...teaching my big kids for oh so long...I am aware that many are not...and I'm able to pick up on things. So back to my H...starting to sense something...he is way too analytical...he needs to just relax....pick up the phone when he feels like it...talk when he wants to talk...but something holds him back..I feel it....and I hate it....but like I said, I have patience for him...I won't throw him away like that....as he would me when I mess up....nope, he means too much to me.So then he tells me about chatting to strangers on the computer...and this is how my evening ended...my whole day of doing nothing...just being so idle....my day ends with me worried about my H...worried that he may be chattin with girls who can be men....old men...homo men...bad men....bad women...evil women..who can probably ruin his whole life....now I don't speak to people whom I don't know or whom I've never met or who are not to some degree normal. There are only 2 men who I speak to not often at all....whom I don't know...other than that....I don't entertain it....I don't think H is as out there as i am...as aware of danger as I am...knowing bad people exist....I feel the need to protect him....I mean I don't do it...because I always think in the back of my mind that I may be speaking to some weirdo, some drug person..someone who may be murdered tomorrow...and then lets say..the police come and take this bad person's computer...and then voila----there is my name and screen name.....so now, there goes my career, what would I tell my dad, my mom....maybe I end up in the paper...maybe I'm indicted...maybe they question me....maybe this, maybe that....so to me..hell, nobody's worth that....I wll rather make the time and attention for the ones close to me...the few I hold dear to me...and give my attention where it deserves to go...not to some fat 90 yr. old man who claims to be the best thing since sliced bread...nope, I already found the best thing...and that is where my attention will go....out of trouble, not curious...not into the fucked up population of this country..the freaks and the weirdos....nope, nobody gets me....you don't get me....only those that deserve me............how I worry about this man....everyone should just be like me.........what am I going to do with him....how I worry....
So my H...yep he has me confused. I can't tell if he's mad at me, annoyed or just has his friggin period. Of all days, I left my phone around the corner until about midday. So when I went to get it, I had a few missed calls and low and behold...one from 9 in the a.m. was from my honey. Now, at that hour, I was still sleeping, still dreaming of him----naked----oops...my bad.
He left me a 2 second message which of course I replayed about 50 times---oh god, that voice..I wanted to kick myself, real hard, for missing that call...uh, to wake up to that voice...so sexy.
I was so concerned about his lip, ok, the other day..I bit his lip...now, I know I hurt him..again, I didn't mean to...wasn't on purpose...it was more like a panicky moment...and my defenses are usually way too razor sharp....I do tend to be rather on guard..but again, that would be because of my life...and I have warned him that I can fight...I did endure a major beatin from a man twice my size..you live and learn....so my guard needs to chill the fuck down...I'm working on it, I swear and I have asked him to help me...but anyway...I know I hurt him...and I was concerned..and for the record, I'd never hurt him...if things started to get weird on us...I would talk about it...the only thing that would make me hurt him..is if some man came along a swept me off of my feet...and lets face it...if your man sweeps you off your feet constantly, has you crazy and nuts for him...has that hold on you....you ain't goin anywhere....no man can come along and sweep you away unless if something's missing...show me a man who keeps his woman happy...and there is nothing that can penetrate it....it becomes solid...no one gets through...the other person never lets you go...never lets you down....he's always there--your friggin shadow, he has your back....he's all of the prince charming you need....no comparison thing going one----like hmm, my man isn't treating me like that, my man never tells me that.....u get the idea.....so missing him so bad on sunday..I called just to let him know that I was worried...of course, he never calls back immediately...I could be dying somewhere...and he'd return the call the next day, when I'm dead. Now, I'm not dumb...now, I may play dumb a lot..but that's really undercover...its for me to be able to really see just how dumb someone else is...but I'm not dumb..I know he was with a woman...some bimbo who doesn't allow him to answer his phone or retrieve his messages, so to make this long story short, I called back immediately as soon as I got the message. Now I'm not one for playing games..he calls me..eh, I call right back...I'm not into games...and I care for him...so I won't fuck around with him...as I wouldn't want him to do that to me....
so anyway---I left a message...p.s.--he called me back on the way home, said he was fine and that he was being a drama queen...now yes, my H could be drama..but not with this...because I know it hurt, I know I had hurt him....so I couldn't help but wonder if he was puttin on that tough guy act....but he said he was fine. I don't believe him. Now I'm trying to think if I ever mentioned his drama to him and I have....he really upset me so bad last week because he was in my neck of the woods and refused to come see me...this upset me..because if I was ever in his neck of the woods...and I friggin tell him I'm like right there....and he tells me to come by...and I blow him off..I wonder how he would feel....so I felt bad...it was as if he was lashing out at me for no reason..so I figured he had a bad day or something....and I let it go...now remember..I'm highly trained...so I'm good at letting things go....as I've learned that once the person calms down from being so in your face, so hurtful...he makes it up....and with him coming to see me Saturday..i never mentioned how much that hurt me....because his actions said he was sorry and it was good enough for me. I just love him. I think the closer you get to someone and the more you learn about them...the more we're able to adapt and get along. Now I think we get along great...but back to the phone call....my H pulls away from me....I can feel it...when things are smooth....he can't flow...he withdraws back........and I let him. Now I'm very verbal, very communicative...teaching my big kids for oh so long...I am aware that many are not...and I'm able to pick up on things. So back to my H...starting to sense something...he is way too analytical...he needs to just relax....pick up the phone when he feels like it...talk when he wants to talk...but something holds him back..I feel it....and I hate it....but like I said, I have patience for him...I won't throw him away like that....as he would me when I mess up....nope, he means too much to me.So then he tells me about chatting to strangers on the computer...and this is how my evening ended...my whole day of doing nothing...just being so idle....my day ends with me worried about my H...worried that he may be chattin with girls who can be men....old men...homo men...bad men....bad women...evil women..who can probably ruin his whole life....now I don't speak to people whom I don't know or whom I've never met or who are not to some degree normal. There are only 2 men who I speak to not often at all....whom I don't know...other than that....I don't entertain it....I don't think H is as out there as i am...as aware of danger as I am...knowing bad people exist....I feel the need to protect him....I mean I don't do it...because I always think in the back of my mind that I may be speaking to some weirdo, some drug person..someone who may be murdered tomorrow...and then lets say..the police come and take this bad person's computer...and then voila----there is my name and screen name.....so now, there goes my career, what would I tell my dad, my mom....maybe I end up in the paper...maybe I'm indicted...maybe they question me....maybe this, maybe that....so to me..hell, nobody's worth that....I wll rather make the time and attention for the ones close to me...the few I hold dear to me...and give my attention where it deserves to go...not to some fat 90 yr. old man who claims to be the best thing since sliced bread...nope, I already found the best thing...and that is where my attention will go....out of trouble, not curious...not into the fucked up population of this country..the freaks and the weirdos....nope, nobody gets me....you don't get me....only those that deserve me............how I worry about this man....everyone should just be like me.........what am I going to do with him....how I worry....
posted by vita86lover at 8:34 PM
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