Confusion
So I just wrote and deleted my entry, as I just heard from my H, I love him and I miss him...as I'm sitting here in tears, I would give anything for him to wrap those arms around me, not say a word and just let me resolve the distance that he puts between us. Now he says that he didn't know he had to call me if he wasn't coming over. Now, this leaves me more confused. Look, I know he was at work, I know he works hard...and if its one thing that I hate to do, its to bother him during the work week, but I just wanted to see him...just wanted to be with him before my mom landed. And I get so friggin pissed because I feel as if he makes time for everyone else BUT me. He told me he was going out to dinner Monday night, which clearly means umm, he's making time for someone, giving someone the attention that I should have. I mean, I'm in this friggin house all week, moving, entertaining my family, have had no vacation. And there is so much that I want to do---God, Calgon, take me away. And I feel that if my H cared about me, he would spend time with ME, even if its a looong drive far away from this city....which I hate being in all summer, someplace where its just us---just the two of us--spending time together. How I am so upset for not going away as I do every summer. Now, I'll admit something, because I'm no chicken, I know I had a lot to do--moving wise--but with being with H 2 days before I was supposed to leave...I felt I would've missed him so much if I had left...and I did feel him different---he was being super duper nice---attentive---calling more---and sending me those little emails during the day, which makes me feel that he's thinking of me.....and now this----he didn't know he had to call............so what do I do....right now, things are tough for me----I need someone on my side---my team---not someone against me---not someone fighting with me---not someone who has me so friggin insecure with his damn girlfriends---I need a lot of attention---a lot of affection---its just what I'm used to---I got it my whole life from my family---an ex that loved me and had me on a pedestal----do I just cut my loses from H, who is really giveing me too much trouble and no attention---and look for a new man---Now, we all know--I detest dating---one thing my husband would never need to worry about would be me cheating---it would take so much work on my part--I'd say, "fuck this"...I hate meeting new people---and I don't get along with people--my guard is too up---for it to come down---I literally have to be with a man who has my back---someone who makes me feel safe---that its ok to let it down---that he umm--has my back.
So yesterday-----my bell rings...now I was at the house with my mom---we were in and out all day---so at one point---some guy rings my bell---with no for sale sign or anything on my house--this guy tells me he's a doctor and is interested in buying my house---now, my da is coming...so I told this guy---that it wasn't for sale---he said, I'm sur for the right price--it'll be. Now this pissed me off----my da has a few houses---to part with one is not something he's desperate to do--nor on his list of things to do---I think it would be great---it would stop me from running back here--------so this guy starts asking me if I live here and with whom---so I lied and said its just me and my da----he asked if I was married and if I had children--I told him I never married---now, I was getting annoyed--as I'm in my blue house dress---I have no bra on---no panties---and I'm talking to a stranger---I don't give a fuck what your profession is---its just kinda weird with me---as I think doctors have a thing for me---when I was in the hospital...my friggin doctor asked me out---now, isn't there a law or something that states he can't do that---I think he felt bad for me---he was Jewish, so I declined----no thank you.
So this doctor who mysteriously just drove up in front of my house---asks me out---I declined, as I'm quite shy and ummm, not interested---he asked if he can take me out---I said, nope, thats ok. So he gives me his number for my da--and writes 1.5 mil--So now I go in the house, tell my mom---she said that that's how I'd meet a man---if he rang the door bell for me---so we called my da----my da is a hard ass--he said---he's one mil too short---said he was sent---said there is more to it---now my da's no moron---he is quite sharp--had his own business for years, a landlord for 30+ years---and a great da who's been through way too much for any man to have to go through---so my mom said, that my da should tell the dr. that I come with the house---so I can always be here---she is so gay---no one has rang this bell for me in years---I was bad but didn't know it---being a bored kid--I used to collect the little ornaments off of the hood of the cars---I had cadillac, ford....you name it----I used to love collections---now I didn't think it was a bad thing---my brother even got into it to-----there were so many---until umm, the door bell rang-----------now I know my da worries---but I also know him---he will call this man--just to know who he is---see if I was being watched somehow---see what the deal is---just so he knows---my da is very protective---maybe this man saw me dragging the garbage can to the curb---or getting in my car---who knows---my da will fuck with him---my da is very experienced with people--he can tell things about people in 2 minutes flat and he's a lot like me---he doesn't like anyone---god, he's just like me---but its in a different way---its a protection thing---when you have bad things happen in your life---you feel as if people will not like you--or that people may judge you or that people could never understand---so you lead a simple, low key life---keeping no one close---because its easier---its better---you keep the ones that can put a smile on your face, not upset you, make you laugh...hold you when you need to be held, the ones who have your back---as you have theirs....other than that---all others, stay away!
So yesterday-----my bell rings...now I was at the house with my mom---we were in and out all day---so at one point---some guy rings my bell---with no for sale sign or anything on my house--this guy tells me he's a doctor and is interested in buying my house---now, my da is coming...so I told this guy---that it wasn't for sale---he said, I'm sur for the right price--it'll be. Now this pissed me off----my da has a few houses---to part with one is not something he's desperate to do--nor on his list of things to do---I think it would be great---it would stop me from running back here--------so this guy starts asking me if I live here and with whom---so I lied and said its just me and my da----he asked if I was married and if I had children--I told him I never married---now, I was getting annoyed--as I'm in my blue house dress---I have no bra on---no panties---and I'm talking to a stranger---I don't give a fuck what your profession is---its just kinda weird with me---as I think doctors have a thing for me---when I was in the hospital...my friggin doctor asked me out---now, isn't there a law or something that states he can't do that---I think he felt bad for me---he was Jewish, so I declined----no thank you.
So this doctor who mysteriously just drove up in front of my house---asks me out---I declined, as I'm quite shy and ummm, not interested---he asked if he can take me out---I said, nope, thats ok. So he gives me his number for my da--and writes 1.5 mil--So now I go in the house, tell my mom---she said that that's how I'd meet a man---if he rang the door bell for me---so we called my da----my da is a hard ass--he said---he's one mil too short---said he was sent---said there is more to it---now my da's no moron---he is quite sharp--had his own business for years, a landlord for 30+ years---and a great da who's been through way too much for any man to have to go through---so my mom said, that my da should tell the dr. that I come with the house---so I can always be here---she is so gay---no one has rang this bell for me in years---I was bad but didn't know it---being a bored kid--I used to collect the little ornaments off of the hood of the cars---I had cadillac, ford....you name it----I used to love collections---now I didn't think it was a bad thing---my brother even got into it to-----there were so many---until umm, the door bell rang-----------now I know my da worries---but I also know him---he will call this man--just to know who he is---see if I was being watched somehow---see what the deal is---just so he knows---my da is very protective---maybe this man saw me dragging the garbage can to the curb---or getting in my car---who knows---my da will fuck with him---my da is very experienced with people--he can tell things about people in 2 minutes flat and he's a lot like me---he doesn't like anyone---god, he's just like me---but its in a different way---its a protection thing---when you have bad things happen in your life---you feel as if people will not like you--or that people may judge you or that people could never understand---so you lead a simple, low key life---keeping no one close---because its easier---its better---you keep the ones that can put a smile on your face, not upset you, make you laugh...hold you when you need to be held, the ones who have your back---as you have theirs....other than that---all others, stay away!
posted by vita86lover at 9:59 PM
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