TIME----The Waiting Game

The waiting game sucks. So here it is, Sunday night, Easter night, and no sign of H. Now we did speak briefly this week. I am still torn. Part hate, part love. So I think it is wise to make the list, oh yes, the list. The reasons I feel the HATE- strong word, he left, he left me, he moved out of state, maybe I have abandonment issues, since my parents abandoned me 17 yrs ago, who knows, at least i get to speak to them every day and see them quite often, bottom line, he did the same thing, next- he was here, right friggin here, where we could've been together everyday, which we weren't because he was too busy chasing the wind, (girls)...next, what the hel does he want from me now, so many miles away, when you weren't here for me when you were here, what the hell makes me think he can be there for me so many miles away?...next, maybe he just wants to lead me on and waste the 1 good yr I have in me if I seriously want to settle down and maybe evn have a child, I don't have time to waste here. Where can I find a man that can give me time, lost time? I need attention, I know, we've been through this a zillion times, attention is synonymous with my name--yup I need phone calls, emails, cards, freakin attention. The things that drew me to him....what he once was is no more....is this the real him? or was the beginning him, the attention giver him, the real him? Do I have time in my life to figure this out or sit here waiting to see if he shows his freakin cards as I have? Not fair. In love all is fair, this is not fair. This is not what I want, not what I deserve, not what I give. I can give all. I want to give all. In love, you should give all. I hate the holding back, i hate the freakin question marks, why can't he give me the period. If a guy cares, he gives the period, not the question mark. There is not 1 doubt in your mind, the same as there is not one doubt in his mind...like how it was with my ex...it lasted yrs. upon yrs. because there was mutaul respect and consideration for the person. Does H have the consideration, cant's he friggin see that the sand is almost down to the bottom. my time is up, almost up, and I can't flip it over. Is he selfish, selfish to keep me, knowing he can't deliver what i need, the attention i crave? can he just choose, as he did, to let me go, just let me go, completely. It all comes down to one question....are you with me? yes or no? no in between, my time is going...i can't turn it back.
Love--hmmm, my favorite 4 letter word, okay, i have another one...but this one I love more...what do I love about him, hmmm, let me count the ways....he is calm, I am not, he diffuses me in a sec, all i have to do is hear that voice--i'm calm...i can be fighting world war 3, with a sword in my hand..and then i see him, hear him..all defenses down...right out the window..i may wish to choke him...which i have....many times...see him, hear him...OVER....i can't explain, he breaks this wall that i have, a wall no one can break...i dont know how he does it...no ones come close---he gets to see the real me, the real me can come out..the only time i can relax, breath...and feel safe to come out---as myself---the person who gets lost day to day, with that guard up---i hate it, i really hate it, but its my only protection. H--tears it apart in a sec---when he puts those arms around me real tight, ugh, i can surrender...he is kind, he is sweet, he is thoughtful, he loves my movies, he loves the same food i love, he is in tune with me, like he understands me---like when i tell him i hate him--he knows I don't hate him--he doesnt make it escalate--imagine if he said he hated me too--i'd probably have my sword to his throat in one sec..this is not good...i need someone who knows how to be in control, keep me in check...as I can get out of hand...he does this..takes the lead, I need someone to lead, but the whole catch, he has to lead correctly, he's gotta have my back...no question marks...
So this is where I'm at--the crossroads---the need for answers, clarity---time is going--i don't have time---he needs to realize this, this is not a game---let me go---just let me go---or keep me---why cant he decide, why is this sooo hard? what the hell is going through him? the whole world should be verbal like me---i am too verbal--but it is good---i love to be straight forward--no mixed signals---this sign language is for the birds, is this what I want to deal with in my life..now....later? The waiting game is coming to an end, i can feel it...the time is now...strike while its hot---which way does love sway, does love win? does love die? is the fire out or has it not even started to rage? Time...time will tell me---The time is now---the time is almost up...the battle between love and hate can only be one, there is no fine line between the 2, for its the same, which one does it become?

Re-Surfaced/ Back Again

So it has been quite a while, where has life taken me to, to a place where blogging is no longer what it used to be. Amazing how it used to fill such a place, such a void, almost along the lines of addiction. The last few months have been quite trying, trying on my patience and forcing me to ummm, realize that things are not as they seem. Lets take my "H" for instance. So from October, I can't help but remember so well, it was Eid...and he became psycho...scary, full of all of this stuff that I swear I never saw coming, didn't want to see coming. He left me, left me for good, maybe for another woman, or maybe deep hatred over the ticket situation, either which way, he left me, at a time when I needed him most. With that, I must rush off to my psychic, my only means of consolation...she tells me, yadda, yadda, that he will return, he will be back, he has drama...I wait, hoping that she is right, putting all of my hope into one person, someone who can help my bleeding heart---I wait, and I wait...December comes and goes, and who loves the holidays more than me, having no one to share it with, ugh, I was beside myself, thinking the worst in my heart about him..where is he, how could he. The one person who knew how mush I hurt, the one person to dry my tears, the one person who told me its time to let go...yup, my mom. She was the only one who saw past the fake smile I put on, throughout my decorating, running around, making sure everything is perfect, I was dying, crushed. She saw it, questioned it, allowed me to cry it all out..told me I have to get back out there...but I don;t want to go out there, I hate it out there, I can't...It took me so long, after so many years of prayers, so much time waiting to feel out one that I can trust, allowing fear to take a back seat....I found him ,I had found him..my H. Why would I want another, why would I care to look, how can I find in another what I found so special in him, how could he leave me, when he knew I needed him, more than anyone else, how could he go...
So I made it past the freakin New Year, big deal, who cares? My heart was so empty...loneliness set in again...I resumed to where I found the man who saved me, who rescued me from all that I felt....who put a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my stomach....As I resumed to that place, a place I can't stand...he's there---questions me...tells me he has moved...moved far away from me..to another state..I die, I hold it in, I'm tough...but I die....how could he...how could he leave me like this...my friend..my almost lover...the one I opened up to, the one I let into my home, my life, my bed...how could he abandon me this way....told him he hurt me...I swear he could never know how much...it wouldn't have hurt if he stuck a knife in me....that I would've taken...that wouldn't have hurt as much as this pain for months....I tell him, fine..go, best of luck....he tells me I could call--I say..nope..NEVER...and when I say NEVER---I mean NEVER...I tell him--go----just go----wish him well....deep down in my heart, i feel---go H....I hope whomever or whatever you think you will find out there...is better than me...could love you more than me--then fucking go---thats what I would want for him...but I know, there is NO ONE who can love him the way I do...he's just too gay to see that.....
So now, I delete him from my contacts, refuse to look back..only moving forward....and then vacation comes for me, feeling as if I have to stop this....i go back to the same place..the place I hate..the place where I make far too many enemies...Its February, break is coming..i meet a nice man...with the same friggin last name as H....do I have any luck here?.....he takes my mind away...he gives me attention...flowers on Valentine's Day--but then he gets busy--now, who needs more attention than me?....it collapses..no energy to put into it....no sex coming....no movies...nothing.....and then it happens....
I get the IM from H...my heart and my attention was just misdirected for a bit---the anger--oh, its still there...i talk to him...each sentence filled with utter hurt, anger...how could he make me go out and date--me? do I look like I enjoy dating, listening to everyones bullshit, drama, having to talk on the phone when its clearly my nap time....who needs this drama---what i do need is someone like me---someone mild, someone who loves movies as much as I do....and someone who I'm very physically drawn to---in other words, i need my H....
He is here, in town...does he have a girlfriend, eh, I can beat her up....eh..I'm from Brooklyn...has he moved back....whats going on....
He comes...Saturday--the 8th, birthday of my mother, thanks ma---i can't forget now....he brings me dinner, like old times...4 movies...yup...4 movies just for me....my H...I watch him eat...i just look at him...wondering in my mind...how could someone like this exist..someone so beautiful....someone so wonderful...where did he come from and how is he here...right here..with me....i cant deal...i really cant.....I have no control....i see him..it goes right out the window....how do people control...I have none....dont think I was born with it...
I kiss him...i die....i'm in heaven....i ache...2 days now and I cant walk up the stairs....how does he do this to me....v--you MORON...why do you do this.....you know he will disappear again...maybe resurface in another few months...what do you want to be..the booty call...have you no self respect, no shame....you?.....who accepts nothing less than what you give....
Yup, I folded, I lived in the moment, the moment that said...god, I love him....i just love him....i hugged him...and I swear..never to want to let go...am I afraid I'll never see him again, never hear from him...YES....do I want more..OF COURSE....can I wait around...NO....he has to give me what I can give him....the world.....and if he's not going to....someone else will...do I want someone else....NO..can he be my H...never.......can I just hope for the best..yes..do I need to see the psychic anymore...No.....something that just passed..a phase that ended....a phase that made me get back out there, become distracted....to see things the way I have to see things....not the way that I want them to be....think its time to go back....back to the place I hate....or pray that my H comes back to rescue me...3 times over....we'll see.....only time can tell me.....