TIME----The Waiting Game

The waiting game sucks. So here it is, Sunday night, Easter night, and no sign of H. Now we did speak briefly this week. I am still torn. Part hate, part love. So I think it is wise to make the list, oh yes, the list. The reasons I feel the HATE- strong word, he left, he left me, he moved out of state, maybe I have abandonment issues, since my parents abandoned me 17 yrs ago, who knows, at least i get to speak to them every day and see them quite often, bottom line, he did the same thing, next- he was here, right friggin here, where we could've been together everyday, which we weren't because he was too busy chasing the wind, (girls)...next, what the hel does he want from me now, so many miles away, when you weren't here for me when you were here, what the hell makes me think he can be there for me so many miles away?...next, maybe he just wants to lead me on and waste the 1 good yr I have in me if I seriously want to settle down and maybe evn have a child, I don't have time to waste here. Where can I find a man that can give me time, lost time? I need attention, I know, we've been through this a zillion times, attention is synonymous with my name--yup I need phone calls, emails, cards, freakin attention. The things that drew me to him....what he once was is no more....is this the real him? or was the beginning him, the attention giver him, the real him? Do I have time in my life to figure this out or sit here waiting to see if he shows his freakin cards as I have? Not fair. In love all is fair, this is not fair. This is not what I want, not what I deserve, not what I give. I can give all. I want to give all. In love, you should give all. I hate the holding back, i hate the freakin question marks, why can't he give me the period. If a guy cares, he gives the period, not the question mark. There is not 1 doubt in your mind, the same as there is not one doubt in his mind...like how it was with my ex...it lasted yrs. upon yrs. because there was mutaul respect and consideration for the person. Does H have the consideration, cant's he friggin see that the sand is almost down to the bottom. my time is up, almost up, and I can't flip it over. Is he selfish, selfish to keep me, knowing he can't deliver what i need, the attention i crave? can he just choose, as he did, to let me go, just let me go, completely. It all comes down to one question....are you with me? yes or no? no in between, my time is going...i can't turn it back.
Love--hmmm, my favorite 4 letter word, okay, i have another one...but this one I love more...what do I love about him, hmmm, let me count the ways....he is calm, I am not, he diffuses me in a sec, all i have to do is hear that voice--i'm calm...i can be fighting world war 3, with a sword in my hand..and then i see him, hear him..all defenses down...right out the window..i may wish to choke him...which i have....many times...see him, hear him...OVER....i can't explain, he breaks this wall that i have, a wall no one can break...i dont know how he does it...no ones come close---he gets to see the real me, the real me can come out..the only time i can relax, breath...and feel safe to come out---as myself---the person who gets lost day to day, with that guard up---i hate it, i really hate it, but its my only protection. H--tears it apart in a sec---when he puts those arms around me real tight, ugh, i can surrender...he is kind, he is sweet, he is thoughtful, he loves my movies, he loves the same food i love, he is in tune with me, like he understands me---like when i tell him i hate him--he knows I don't hate him--he doesnt make it escalate--imagine if he said he hated me too--i'd probably have my sword to his throat in one sec..this is not good...i need someone who knows how to be in control, keep me in check...as I can get out of hand...he does this..takes the lead, I need someone to lead, but the whole catch, he has to lead correctly, he's gotta have my back...no question marks...
So this is where I'm at--the crossroads---the need for answers, clarity---time is going--i don't have time---he needs to realize this, this is not a game---let me go---just let me go---or keep me---why cant he decide, why is this sooo hard? what the hell is going through him? the whole world should be verbal like me---i am too verbal--but it is good---i love to be straight forward--no mixed signals---this sign language is for the birds, is this what I want to deal with in my life..now....later? The waiting game is coming to an end, i can feel it...the time is now...strike while its hot---which way does love sway, does love win? does love die? is the fire out or has it not even started to rage? Time...time will tell me---The time is now---the time is almost up...the battle between love and hate can only be one, there is no fine line between the 2, for its the same, which one does it become?