Re-Surfaced/ Back Again

So it has been quite a while, where has life taken me to, to a place where blogging is no longer what it used to be. Amazing how it used to fill such a place, such a void, almost along the lines of addiction. The last few months have been quite trying, trying on my patience and forcing me to ummm, realize that things are not as they seem. Lets take my "H" for instance. So from October, I can't help but remember so well, it was Eid...and he became psycho...scary, full of all of this stuff that I swear I never saw coming, didn't want to see coming. He left me, left me for good, maybe for another woman, or maybe deep hatred over the ticket situation, either which way, he left me, at a time when I needed him most. With that, I must rush off to my psychic, my only means of consolation...she tells me, yadda, yadda, that he will return, he will be back, he has drama...I wait, hoping that she is right, putting all of my hope into one person, someone who can help my bleeding heart---I wait, and I wait...December comes and goes, and who loves the holidays more than me, having no one to share it with, ugh, I was beside myself, thinking the worst in my heart about him..where is he, how could he. The one person who knew how mush I hurt, the one person to dry my tears, the one person who told me its time to let go...yup, my mom. She was the only one who saw past the fake smile I put on, throughout my decorating, running around, making sure everything is perfect, I was dying, crushed. She saw it, questioned it, allowed me to cry it all out..told me I have to get back out there...but I don;t want to go out there, I hate it out there, I can't...It took me so long, after so many years of prayers, so much time waiting to feel out one that I can trust, allowing fear to take a back seat....I found him ,I had found him..my H. Why would I want another, why would I care to look, how can I find in another what I found so special in him, how could he leave me, when he knew I needed him, more than anyone else, how could he go...
So I made it past the freakin New Year, big deal, who cares? My heart was so empty...loneliness set in again...I resumed to where I found the man who saved me, who rescued me from all that I felt....who put a smile on my face and a warm feeling in my stomach....As I resumed to that place, a place I can't stand...he's there---questions me...tells me he has moved...moved far away from me..to another state..I die, I hold it in, I'm tough...but I die....how could he...how could he leave me like this...my friend..my almost lover...the one I opened up to, the one I let into my home, my life, my bed...how could he abandon me this way....told him he hurt me...I swear he could never know how much...it wouldn't have hurt if he stuck a knife in me....that I would've taken...that wouldn't have hurt as much as this pain for months....I tell him, fine..go, best of luck....he tells me I could call--I say..nope..NEVER...and when I say NEVER---I mean NEVER...I tell him--go----just go----wish him well....deep down in my heart, i feel---go H....I hope whomever or whatever you think you will find out there...is better than me...could love you more than me--then fucking go---thats what I would want for him...but I know, there is NO ONE who can love him the way I do...he's just too gay to see that.....
So now, I delete him from my contacts, refuse to look back..only moving forward....and then vacation comes for me, feeling as if I have to stop this....i go back to the same place..the place I hate..the place where I make far too many enemies...Its February, break is coming..i meet a nice man...with the same friggin last name as H....do I have any luck here?.....he takes my mind away...he gives me attention...flowers on Valentine's Day--but then he gets busy--now, who needs more attention than me?....it collapses..no energy to put into it....no sex coming....no movies...nothing.....and then it happens....
I get the IM from H...my heart and my attention was just misdirected for a bit---the anger--oh, its still there...i talk to him...each sentence filled with utter hurt, anger...how could he make me go out and date--me? do I look like I enjoy dating, listening to everyones bullshit, drama, having to talk on the phone when its clearly my nap time....who needs this drama---what i do need is someone like me---someone mild, someone who loves movies as much as I do....and someone who I'm very physically drawn to---in other words, i need my H....
He is here, in town...does he have a girlfriend, eh, I can beat her up....eh..I'm from Brooklyn...has he moved back....whats going on....
He comes...Saturday--the 8th, birthday of my mother, thanks ma---i can't forget now....he brings me dinner, like old times...4 movies...yup...4 movies just for me....my H...I watch him eat...i just look at him...wondering in my mind...how could someone like this exist..someone so beautiful....someone so wonderful...where did he come from and how is he here...right here..with me....i cant deal...i really cant.....I have no control....i see him..it goes right out the window....how do people control...I have none....dont think I was born with it...
I kiss him...i die....i'm in heaven....i ache...2 days now and I cant walk up the stairs....how does he do this to me....v--you MORON...why do you do this.....you know he will disappear again...maybe resurface in another few months...what do you want to be..the booty call...have you no self respect, no shame....you?.....who accepts nothing less than what you give....
Yup, I folded, I lived in the moment, the moment that said...god, I love him....i just love him....i hugged him...and I swear..never to want to let go...am I afraid I'll never see him again, never hear from him...YES....do I want more..OF COURSE....can I wait around...NO....he has to give me what I can give him....the world.....and if he's not going to....someone else will...do I want someone else....NO..can he be my H...never.......can I just hope for the best..yes..do I need to see the psychic anymore...No.....something that just passed..a phase that ended....a phase that made me get back out there, become distracted....to see things the way I have to see things....not the way that I want them to be....think its time to go back....back to the place I hate....or pray that my H comes back to rescue me...3 times over....we'll see.....only time can tell me.....