Absolutely Nothing

So today, I did absolutley nothing and it felt great...okay, here is my dilemma...this moving deal sucks, it is the hardest thing ever for me to do. I talked with my mom a few times today about it. She assures me that once she lands next week and I have a shopping buddy...that I will feel better. I just love my home too much, I even brought up the fact that maybe my brother should move instead. She is convinced that it is I who needs to be detached from it all. I mean how will he care for 3 floors and a basement, when I'm the one....and don't get grossed out here...who still has to clean his pis bowl for him? How is he able to handle it, in a way, I know what my mother is doing...she is tring to show him how much I do...when hey, there's no milk, no toilet paper, no food shopping going on....then he'll realize what he has to do- dumb ass. So I'm trying to follow along with this plan. Now don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for all that is given to me, my dad has a pure heart of gold. But this is just sooooo hard. I'm hoping once my mom comes, I'll have one person to help excite me, besides H...which will help me to pull it together and stop procrastinating the inevitable.
So my H...yep he has me confused. I can't tell if he's mad at me, annoyed or just has his friggin period. Of all days, I left my phone around the corner until about midday. So when I went to get it, I had a few missed calls and low and behold...one from 9 in the a.m. was from my honey. Now, at that hour, I was still sleeping, still dreaming of him----naked----oops...my bad.
He left me a 2 second message which of course I replayed about 50 times---oh god, that voice..I wanted to kick myself, real hard, for missing that call...uh, to wake up to that voice...so sexy.
I was so concerned about his lip, ok, the other day..I bit his lip...now, I know I hurt him..again, I didn't mean to...wasn't on purpose...it was more like a panicky moment...and my defenses are usually way too razor sharp....I do tend to be rather on guard..but again, that would be because of my life...and I have warned him that I can fight...I did endure a major beatin from a man twice my size..you live and learn....so my guard needs to chill the fuck down...I'm working on it, I swear and I have asked him to help me...but anyway...I know I hurt him...and I was concerned..and for the record, I'd never hurt him...if things started to get weird on us...I would talk about it...the only thing that would make me hurt him..is if some man came along a swept me off of my feet...and lets face it...if your man sweeps you off your feet constantly, has you crazy and nuts for him...has that hold on you....you ain't goin anywhere....no man can come along and sweep you away unless if something's missing...show me a man who keeps his woman happy...and there is nothing that can penetrate it....it becomes solid...no one gets through...the other person never lets you go...never lets you down....he's always there--your friggin shadow, he has your back....he's all of the prince charming you need....no comparison thing going one----like hmm, my man isn't treating me like that, my man never tells me that.....u get the idea.....so missing him so bad on sunday..I called just to let him know that I was worried...of course, he never calls back immediately...I could be dying somewhere...and he'd return the call the next day, when I'm dead. Now, I'm not dumb...now, I may play dumb a lot..but that's really undercover...its for me to be able to really see just how dumb someone else is...but I'm not dumb..I know he was with a woman...some bimbo who doesn't allow him to answer his phone or retrieve his messages, so to make this long story short, I called back immediately as soon as I got the message. Now I'm not one for playing games..he calls me..eh, I call right back...I'm not into games...and I care for him...so I won't fuck around with him...as I wouldn't want him to do that to me....
so anyway---I left a message...p.s.--he called me back on the way home, said he was fine and that he was being a drama queen...now yes, my H could be drama..but not with this...because I know it hurt, I know I had hurt him....so I couldn't help but wonder if he was puttin on that tough guy act....but he said he was fine. I don't believe him. Now I'm trying to think if I ever mentioned his drama to him and I have....he really upset me so bad last week because he was in my neck of the woods and refused to come see me...this upset me..because if I was ever in his neck of the woods...and I friggin tell him I'm like right there....and he tells me to come by...and I blow him off..I wonder how he would feel....so I felt bad...it was as if he was lashing out at me for no reason..so I figured he had a bad day or something....and I let it go...now remember..I'm highly trained...so I'm good at letting things go....as I've learned that once the person calms down from being so in your face, so hurtful...he makes it up....and with him coming to see me Saturday..i never mentioned how much that hurt me....because his actions said he was sorry and it was good enough for me. I just love him. I think the closer you get to someone and the more you learn about them...the more we're able to adapt and get along. Now I think we get along great...but back to the phone call....my H pulls away from me....I can feel it...when things are smooth....he can't flow...he withdraws back........and I let him. Now I'm very verbal, very communicative...teaching my big kids for oh so long...I am aware that many are not...and I'm able to pick up on things. So back to my H...starting to sense something...he is way too analytical...he needs to just relax....pick up the phone when he feels like it...talk when he wants to talk...but something holds him back..I feel it....and I hate it....but like I said, I have patience for him...I won't throw him away like that....as he would me when I mess up....nope, he means too much to me.So then he tells me about chatting to strangers on the computer...and this is how my evening ended...my whole day of doing nothing...just being so idle....my day ends with me worried about my H...worried that he may be chattin with girls who can be men....old men...homo men...bad men....bad women...evil women..who can probably ruin his whole life....now I don't speak to people whom I don't know or whom I've never met or who are not to some degree normal. There are only 2 men who I speak to not often at all....whom I don't know...other than that....I don't entertain it....I don't think H is as out there as i am...as aware of danger as I am...knowing bad people exist....I feel the need to protect him....I mean I don't do it...because I always think in the back of my mind that I may be speaking to some weirdo, some drug person..someone who may be murdered tomorrow...and then lets say..the police come and take this bad person's computer...and then voila----there is my name and screen name.....so now, there goes my career, what would I tell my dad, my mom....maybe I end up in the paper...maybe I'm indicted...maybe they question me....maybe this, maybe that....so to me..hell, nobody's worth that....I wll rather make the time and attention for the ones close to me...the few I hold dear to me...and give my attention where it deserves to go...not to some fat 90 yr. old man who claims to be the best thing since sliced bread...nope, I already found the best thing...and that is where my attention will go....out of trouble, not curious...not into the fucked up population of this country..the freaks and the weirdos....nope, nobody gets me....you don't get me....only those that deserve me............how I worry about this man....everyone should just be like me.........what am I going to do with him....how I worry....

Fly Me to the Moon.....

Warning: This may be a bit x-rated...

So yup, Frank Sinatra said it best and I have to say, besides being in such a blissful moment, smiling like a damn crack head, just sitting and smiling, feeling like a big stupid head, God, it's amazing. And I can't help but feel guilty. I can't help but wonder why this is happening to me. Things like this DO NOT happen to me, I repeat, never happen to me. Okay, okay...so I've been down and out for many years....and out of the clear crystal blue, after years upon years of prayers, how did I meet on my path, my horrible journey of what the hell is going to happen next, because it really doesn't get better, it only gets worse.... How the hell did I find this man?
Where did he come from, how can a man be soo intune to me, my needs, my hidden desire, my secret passion, the things I need a man to do for me, his sweet demeanor, his golden heart, his gorgeous face, that sexy voice, that gorgeous and absolutely perfect and flawless body. Where the hell did he come from? I thank God for him everyday...you have no idea. How does he know? It's unbelievable the way he just knew to take me out, how I long to go out, how I love to walk around, how I am having the crappiest summer ever, how I long for company..but good company..I don't hang with garbage, I'd rather be alone. Where did he come from? I look at him and I swear, I stare at him and just wonder...how the hell is he so perfect....how?

So yes, my H....my darling and precious H. How I just love and adore this man. How I enjoy my every moment with him, even if its a fighting time, which its always him fighting with me...for basically nothing...hmm....sometimes I think it is HE who is sexually frustrated, and not the other way around...always bitchin and complaining about something I did, something I didn't do...and blah blah blah...and he's not like me--I say it once, get it out and I'm done....H---hell NO---he goes on and on and on..for freakin days.....that I don't know friggin take out food...and I did feel bad...I swear I did...I adore him, of course I want to do things that will make him happy...its never something I would do on purpose---so there's a difference----I didn't purposely not order in because I didn't feel like it---nope, I truthfully didn't know---and the time factor freakin sucked---I didn't on purpose....not get dressed and go to the video store---again, time factor--who's fault---yup H. But he never sees it that way...so I just yes him to death, swear I'll make it up, which I will...and pray his friggin period ends soon., his drama, his endless complaints about me. Thank God I have the patience of a saint for this man.Yep, I'm the angel, he's the devil...isn't that always the deal?

So anyway....my darling H...came to me Saturday...when I tell you...the sweetest things he does. Now my move from hell is no joke, I need new everything and doubles of everything I already have, down to my cooking stuff...now, not having the place ideally as I need it to be, the last thing I will do is cook there...yeah, it's easier for me to run home, where everything is, with my eyes closed and do what will take me forever to do in a place where I don't have everything i need. Try explaining this to a man----its a foregn language---but my H, how I love him. He brough over the most amazing Lamb and rice--friggin comfort food that I needed and craved so bad....let me tell you..I will never as long as I live, ever forget...one of my best times with H, was when he took me to this stand in the city....I swear, i died and went to heaven. I tell everyone about it, except I forgot where it was...that would be H...I never see anything or anyone when I'm with him..it's the weirdest thing...there is no concept of time...surrounding...nothing. But anyway..he comes...and now I had a bottle of wine, from one of the kids..a gift I had received so long ago and I always waited to enjoy it at the right moment...mind you, everything in my kitchen is a gift..as I look around at all that I have..they're all gifts...things given to me through the years. Call me sentimental..but I feel as if I have a little piece of everyone with me.

Back to my H...so I NEVER drink..yup, was always that good girl that you loved to hate. Now my ex was a nut, so I was warned from young, or should I say trained. He always told me, I even catch you drinking--fugget about it---so I just never did it. Smoking--the first time I lit up in front of him, I'd never forget. We were pulling into a gas station, he smoked marlboro reds, always kept them in that middle thing....I slipped one out of his pack, put it to my lips...he looked at me...said put it out--put it out now---grabbed it out of my mouth and threw it out the window. He said "so you smoke now? Why because M smokes"---so I had this gfriend - M- close to me for about 9 yrs, a bit on the wild side--how my ex hated her. So whatever I did or thought, she got blamed for--she used to go with lots of guys---had lots of boyfriends--but I loved her.....we actually stopped talking about 10 yrs ago....she went through a lot--low and behold, became like everyone else that I know, no sense of self--copying me down to my shoes, my bags, my little sayings....would call me from the nail place before she got painted to ask me what color I had on my feet and nails--rather fucking annoying---could I find a fuckin normal friend? I swear, story of my life---and I fucking hate it....so I couldn't take it any more, told her I had enough..couldn't be her friend---a friend likes you for you---doesn't become a carbon copy of you---fuckin sucks---I choose to be alone. I'm better off. I mean, how would someone like it if I did that to them? With me, I don't even care for your opinion on my clothes, my shoes, myself...I do what I have to do...and I don't care for anyones opinion, never ask...as the one that usually gives it..is the one to watch out for---chances are--i'd still look better in a little dress and heels anyday over the one that tries to make you so fuckin insecure---and I fuckin hate being so insecure....this is what people do to you---"you're so called fuckin friends"....

So back to my H...I know...I get side tracked a lot...he comes to me...now I know when I like someone---because I hate everybody---my H....I just love....it's like he just knows when I need him, a friend...above all of the love that there is romantically that one can have for another---I have to say...when I say i love him so much...I love the friend I have in him...the friend that I found in him...the friend that I can tell anything to...as much as he doesn't know about my life, my family...my lost brother....the suicide....all of the things that I feel will make him understand me and why i'm the way that I am..why its so friggin hard for me to be around people...how hard it is to not feel that people are looking at me....and knowing the pain that never goes away. What he does do---is he makes it go away when I'm with him..when I'm with him and I laugh, when I'm with him and I can be my crazy self...when I'm with him and I can forget for just that moment...all of the pain that my father has inside..the pain that pushes me so much to take care of everything in this family...until I'm ready to collaspse...so H is my joy, my happiness..my escape...I don't need to worry that he'll back stab me, where my fuckin polish, check out my shoes and fuckin go buy them.....nope, my H is just there for me---just for me---to feel so happy before its back to grim reality. When I'm with him....I never want that time to end...I can't beg him...I can't force him...I can't show him...I can't tell him...but I know he knows I just love him.
So the more he's with me, the better I feel...about myself, my life, my family, everything. I have this certain level of loyalty to him, a certain level of adoration for him..I adore the way he just does things...goes places...up and moves....where as I always need to remain put, to give everyone peace of mind. Always being the bandaid, but now I have a bandaid---just for me. My H rescued me....and for this I love him...sometimes I wish we didn't get physical...as I know I'd always be with him...I know he wouldn't be thinking deeply into things...as I know he does and I friggin hate it...I would call him up and say....hey, wanna see a movie tonite....hey, wanna go eat at the stand....hey wanna take a long drive to the country...hey come over for dinner at my sisters...hey come to my barbeque, my parents are here----hey lets take a walk by the park and just sit on the benches..they way I would say to bets or jeannie...just regular...I want him like this...but he is tooo analytical...and I hate it....I love my friend...but now we are physical...I don't know..now don't get me wrong---I love it---God, how I love it----but there's something different...and I can't explain it----now, we kiss a lot----I mean a real lot----and I swear...not to be overly analytical myself----but those kisses reveal more---even though they are like boyfriend/girlfriend kisses----they just seem different----its more like..."thank god i found you, i need you..don't get scared...don't read so deep...don't go...just stay...you're my friend that I just love..I just love you"

This Summer Blows

I am not having a good summer, at all. This is the first summer that I am stuck here, in the city, which I hate being in, in the first place. How I love to be in Florida, where it's quiet, laid back, eating apple pie and just enjoying a change of scenery.I never go anywhere, ever. So my summers would be the only time that I look for ward to doing stuff that I never get to do. There are so many things that I want to do, so many places that I want to see...but I just don't know how to begin to get that drive to go. I need to be pushed, severely. Plus, I have no one to go anywhere with. I don't get along with people enough to enjoy many days away with. I think that is a huge thing, when you can spend more than a few hours with someone, without wanting to kill the other person. Okay, I'll admit, I'm rather trying...I love to drive everyone friggin nuts...so in other words..if you feel like beatin the crap out of me...my stiitude would be, take a number and get in line....and I just laugh....and laugh. I know I can be obnoxious, I have no patience for people either. I can't spend more than 4 hours with my best friend...never mind 2 or 3 days...or longer----there would be a battle, which would end a friendship..so its best to just keep it simple.

So my dad did my ticket and I didn't use it. I was supposed to leave Wednesday night...but being that this move from hell---has given me a beatin...as I'm just torn...I don't know if I want to move...so I've been a little down in the dumps....thank God my dad is so understanding. Now my sister, brother in law and niece and nephews are all there. I miss them soooooo much. When they come on the phone...they pull at my heart so bad, they'll never know....so they didn't know I was supposed to come, as it was a suprise, which was good, as they would've had hard feelings.

So Friday, I received a very disturbing call from my mother. She was so panicked. My da and brother in law had to rush my sister to the hospital. They were all together hanging out, with the kids, when according to my sister, a wasp flew right into her eye and stung her in her eyeball. My mother said she never heard anyone scream the way she screamed....and the worst part about it..is unfortunately it happened in front of her children. My mother said they were all crying, they knew something bad happened to their mom. So my da, who is the most amazing when it comes to emergencies, how he has spent so much time with us in the hospital, it's disgusting. With me,he left the room..couldn't take all of the blood...couldn't take the sight I guess, but he has an incredible strength...one that I truly admire..I don't know how he has coped with all that he has dealt with from us...So my sister is given pain killers through IV for the pain that she was in, they gave her steroids too. So now back and forth on the phone with my mother for a few hours, Peter kept coming on the phone. He's still just a baby...when it happened..he kept sreaming.."I can't breath, I can't breath....oh this poor baby....he has the biggest heart, he is the most wicked....but also the most giving. Now the nextphone call, my mother said, she had pain shooting straight to her brain...so to calm my mother who is there with 3 panicked kids...I told my mother she was fine...my mother starts to think of surgery..brain damage..all of this stuff....now how guilty do I feel for being here...knowing if I was there I would help the situation...so talkin to the kids...they started to make a banner for their mom and color...and hang it since she'd be home soon. So with that, my sister called me and said..the doctors had a meeting and she had 2 bites and her eye was all fucked up. Being that she's a nurse and knowing that both my da and brother in law are affiliated with NYU Medical, I guess they knew not to fuck around with her.

I hatehospitals, I swear I wanted to smoke a cigarette in the amblance..I swore I was going right out the 2 doors...I just hate it...gross..all of those germs..So my sister is okay, she said it was better her than god forbid, one of the kids who were right there. She said she wouldn't know how they would've dealt if by a matter of a few feet if it was one of the kids...So in essence, it is amazing how in a matter of moments, life can change so drastically...it only takes just a few seconds for things to spiral out of control. I guess its very important everyday to always count your blessings. Drama, drama, drama, never ending drama....and she has to be the biggest drama queen ever, nothing like me,at all. I'm more down to earth, at least I can go to a gas station and gas my own car......

A Whole Month And Nada

So I've been moving now for ummm about a month. It is the most annoying thing to do, what a waste of time and energy. I guess I've always been so comfortable in life that I've taken for granted not buying every little thing I may need, detaching myself from a familiar place for far too long. More than the physical work, I have been through an emotional roller coaster that I don't feel anyone can understand, except my mom. So even up until today, with our long daily conversations, I have to say, she is the only person who truly understands me, emotionally. And lets face it, there are certain times when my emotions are just way too magnified and the best thing is for me to steer clear from all that I love. Or you can come close, but its like walking on egg shells...so be extra nice and watch every word that you say.

So my mother, has she given up on me, has both of my most wonderful parents given up on me? You see, both of my sisters got married from home. They both only left the house because they married. I don't feel my father could've understood if one of my sisters had wanted to move out...be on their own...in other words, have a life...and maybe a different man in one's bed every night. Nope, not something he would've entertained. So with my moving, I can't help but wonder----what the hell are they thinking? Are they stupid....Do they not realize how free I am...I can become a slut......I could be gone for weeks and weeks and no one would know....well, I have a cell phone of course, but you know what I mean. God, who knew after being so good to my parents...that oneday, they would just forget all morals , all values, all codes in one freakin second, it's so hard raising parents these days.

Now, I was just trying my dad, being the youngest and I know, his favorite...I just can't imagine that he is allowing this. So feeling so weird for the past few weeks...I must say, this is the 3rd day that I've felt much, much better.....mind wise. I just can't help but wonder if they have given up on me...maybe to someday marry. Now, with 2 sisters married, they both had major beautiful weddings...everyone always said...they couldn't wait for my wedding...everyone always said, they would love to see my father on that day. So I always took it in....but I don't know what happened. You see, with my ex.....I knew from day 1, I never wanted to marry him..so of course, that never changed- could never see him with me 30 - 40 yrs down the road...maybe how my parents are at this age..when they cuddle on the couch, watching a movie..sharing their grapes----I never saw that with him....I wouldn't share the grapes. I was always not one to date, not to venture out and get to know the bullshit ways of other men....ummm who doesn't have a job, no direction, no purpose, mommy issues, daddy issues, shows no respect, no understanding, no compassion..blah, blah....WHO CARES...not me! I figured in my head, I was safer with the one who had my back...and I weighed, all of the negative vs the positive...as this exist in everyone, myself included....so sometimes we just stick with the one who has the nicest ways, work responsible, respectful, you know he's not knocking you out behind closed doors or being insultive or demeaning...which I feel most men are...(I hear too much stories)...so we chose in our partner, the things that are closest to our heart, the one with the less amt. of baggage, the one who truly cares for us. So after my ex..and now, almost 7 yrs. of no one, I feel bad that that day may never come. Did I take away a moment for him that he always wanted to see? With my life now starting to live again, is it too late? With his age, getting older, will I die if I found someone whom I can share life and love with...but then lose the man I admire the most, and then have that moment, but not with him to see it? So these are the things going through my mind...these are the things that had me depressed about my big move...the deep, deep inside thoughts that I can only and always express to my mom. If I were to ever marry, my dad would cry like a baby. I guess I feel as if I need that great guy...the best guy..I feel as if I would disappoint him if I brought home the wrong guy...and with the ex....he always used to say...your father knows I keep you good...being used to a certain way...living a certain life..and then being exposed to the garbage men out there--I feel as if I'm better off alone---not to let my dad down.

So I know I'm feeling differently now...and with that....ugh...ok, can't keep the secret...yup...my H. How I just adore this man. Eh, he hates me, loves those white, white chicks from the Hamptons too much...ugh...but I love him...so he came over to my place on Monday...now I was supposed to leave town Wednesday night---ugh, another long story...but how I needed so much to see him. Now, he gives me trouble...a lot of friggin trouble. I never knew dating could be so friggin hard, it's not my thing...I mean I met him, I loved him from day 1...so am I supposed to keep dating, to see if I find someone "better, nicer, sweeter".....I don't know. Isn't that why people date? So what happens when you go on the goddamn date and you like the guy...and then a few more...and then you realize...hmm, I like him..so many things about him...love being with him..love talking to him..love sharing with him, love the idea that he is a good person, not a bad person. Do I have to date 5 or 10 more guys to know that I want to see what happens here...nope, I do not. Do I need to keep dating....am I supposed to? Now, whenever I meet someone...they always end up liking me---I have yet to come across a man in the last 20+ years of my life that didn't like me....all of my ex's friends liked me...what a problem..he lost so many of his friends...and I felt bad..I did....ok, not really....but when you have me around them....and I'm no flirt....I'm always just myself...I speak my mind...I know I have a playful comical side....and then it happens....they like me.....so I don't date, as I am frightened...frightened of men....had a stalker recently...a bad episode....and I just hate being around men. I don't feel the need to go out looking for someone when the person in front of me--fills me with a certain level of content from just being next to me, and mind you, I can't stand people...I hate everyone.

So he comes to see me...and of course, he must think I have friggin rabies or something...I just drool at the mouth for him. I think he is so incredibly sexy....he's been nice...so I think somewhere in his brain..it has finally clicked...that nice makes him sexy to me...nice makes me nuts for him...nice, forget it, my clothes come right off. Now face it, I'm from Brooklyn...did I have to date 5 or 10 guys to know that there are dicky men out there..guys that just really deep down hate women...you know, those really weak and pathetic guys that hmmm, my ex would tell me about? Guys that are just assholes...guys that don't know how to be attentive, nurturing...Guys that just don't know the deal?? Face it---we all love that guy---where we can call up our girlfriends...call up our sisters....and say---guess what he did for me, guess where he's taking me---guess what he bought me---We all want them to sit there and say--"wow, what a guy---god, you are soooo lucky---and then your man wins the hearts of everyone---as much of a prick that he may be on the inside to others---he has your whole family, your friends thinking Jesus Christ himself just came down off the cross...and now, he's your man...yup, they think he's God. Nope, didn't have to experience it to know it...don't have to put my hand on the stove to know that I'll get friggin burnt, no need to experience all of the different men and their bullshit drama, to know what I like in a man, what I need in a man. I love to learn through wisdom, from others, experiencing less as possible, but knowing things, completely in detail...I think it causes less pain. So back to jerky men...if a guy is a jerk to me...I would tell him in 2 seconds where he could go. I'm no sucker..not one for games, not one for dealing with any man's bullshit.

Now H...oh god, how he loves taking chances...what a risk taker...what the hell is he thinking...he's going to lose me....so he is actually telling me that he's going out, to check out girls...and blah, blah, blah..and here I am...holding the phone and listening to him. Now what the hell keeps me from saying..."good, go....find someone you like better---just friggin go already...he could probably find someone better than me....as all of last night...I listened to " I, Who Have Nothing"...God, I loved it when Jordan sang it on American Idol....so I listened to it all night, while he was out..realizing that I have nothing to offer this man---not even a bottle opener---another long story..nothing..I have nothing that other girls can give him..the stuff he wants...I don't have that stuff. But its so weird...all I have to do is hear him..and I'm lost for words, the good words, the cuss words..the fightin words....the four letter ones....Lost, gone...into the abyss...into the black hole..he just melts me....

Now he freakin threatened me before he came over...he said if things are going to get serious...he will stop talking to me....just throw me out..forget about me forever...now I don't want to be without him...so I have to play my tough hard ass role of not being phased by his numerous lovers. This is hard...you see, when H is super duper nice...and I feel comfortable..and I'm relaxed...and I feel like yea, he's got my back....my 10 layer wall crumbles...and he actually gets to witness the real me...the real me that no one really gets to see...the one that hates being on guard..the one who hates being so tough...the one who acts as if she's not phased by one thing in the world....This part he gets to see---the real me that feels its okay to come out....the soft me...the vulnerable me.....will the real V please stand up...so after a few weeks of turmoil and shaking a bad phase...its all going to be good...the much needed changes that have been so stagnant for years....with finally, a man whom I enjoy tremendously that I can't show....a new place to call home...a new job to commence soon.....hmmm.......should I be out dating???????

(Dating sucks- the only ones out there, are the ones that no one wants----if I went out a few weekends in a row..hmm, I wonder how long it would take before some man comes across me...would these weekends out turn into every friggin weekend of being out?? I don't think so...I'd be with my man, just my man...and I hate to put myself in certain categories...but I am not the type of woman one will stumble along at the weekend pub slash club...nope--those are "those"---the ones my H loves---what do i do? Do I need to date??? To try and find what I already found and cherish? I'm so confused.

Moving

Moving sucks! So it looks as if Tuesday will be my first night in my new home. It's strange, too strange...here I was only having a thought, and my dad acted on it. I can see now the positives so clearly, I will no longer be trapped in a house that is far too large for me and too much to maintain. I may now be able to have a life. This is the scary part, because I don't know where to begin. This is what I've known my whole life. I don't know what it feels like to have nothing to do on the weekend or in the evening. With moving, it has been the biggest pain, as on top of packing up, I still must maintain my daily routines here. Laundry still needs to be done, grocery's bought, floors washed, bills paid, cooking, bathrooms cleaned, as well as completely cleaning and sanitizing a new place, ugh calgon, take me away...

I'm a tough chick, so to balance and focus, I'm good at it, eventhough things may be falling apart elsewhere. Okay, you dragged it out of me, I hate him, hate H. Just to recap, I had the best time with him that saturday night and it felt amazing to be with him again. Even though there was no kissy kissy huggy huggy, I always enjoy just being with him. So the day after, I always feel so stupid, as I just sit around pining over him, with that big dumb smile on my face. I didn't hear from him, nor see him on the computer. Hmm, did he forget about me, have I been dumped? So anyway, to fast forward, the weekend was coming, didn't here anthing from him, so low and behold, I see him on the computer on saturday. I decided to say hello, bad move. He was such a mother fucker to me, it's not even funny. He was rude and then I stated that he was cold, and he said "I know". what the fuck? So of course, all I'm thinking is that maybe he has some hot date tonight, and his attitude is "fuck you, V". With that, I said goodbye. I really hate him, nope, you don't understand, I really do. The week before, he stated, he had NOTHING better to do, so my feelings were hurt because I felt he was with me because ummm, he had nothing better to do. So with him blowing me off and being so cold, it hurt my feelings, really ruined my mood of packing up and working on my new place. So now I feel that its totally over. Whoever he was with, I hope she was worth it, hope he finds happiness, because I AM DONE, stick a fork in me, because I am done! Not to whine and complain, but how could a man go from being so sweet, so affectionate, so dear..to being a cold, heartless mother fucker. Is this a nice guy? God, I'm better off with a thug. At least with a thug, everyone thinks he's an asshole, but he is as sweet and loving as can be, and way too attentive. My ex used to call me a hundred times a day, now mind you, there was no call waiting nor caller id back then....so he used to just call and call and get more mad as time went by. I had my own phone line and he used to interrupt the line all the time. He was so jealous, always in my business wanting to know who I was talking to...some how he always thought it was a guy, until he realized I would sit on my bed and prank the chinese restaurant every 5 minutes..I was never that cheatin type, never was, never will be, eh, he had me trained-where it was something you never even thought about. Look, the chinese restaurant threw him out and threatened to call the cops, but it wasn't his fault, for chinese rice to go flying all over the place, you know he was pissed off by the dirt bag sitting there, he should've kept his mouth shut. So I think my lesson here is, don't go for the nice guy who claims to be the nice guy, because the nice guy is not the nice guy. He is mean, cold, not sweet, not attentive, never showers you with affection, especially in public, not good with the phone, doesn't communicate well, as lets say I did something to offend H---I'll never know---because HE won't tell me. I'm different, I'll tell you-"Look, you do this and it annoys me or you don't do this and this is what I need..."and then from there, I expect to say it just once and I expect that you will do it,or not do it. I would expect the same, tell me something and I will never do it again or tell me what I don't do, and I would be certain to correct it. Its what you will do because you care about the other person. I wouldn't just throw him away, obviously thats what he did, he just chose to throw me away. So this is where I'm at in life. Excited for my new job in the fall, my new home...and with that, I need a new man, NOT "A NICE ONE", nope, keeping far away from the nice guys.....and still looking to go away for sometime, as I really do need a vacation, calgon, take me away!