What am I Doing Up At This Hour?
Contemplating, thinking, pondering. Finally coming back to something I love to do but never have enough time to do, expressing myself. It has been so long. Since I've last written, I've been on somewhat of a roller coaster, I've been overwhelmed, over-worked, aggitated, disgusted, tried and convicted, exhausted, and exhausted. Work is work and will always be work. Something different: I no longer get the same satisfaction as I have through the years. Something has changed. Me.
It's not that I'm uninspired or boring, but more empty. Job life has become dull, repetitious and seems more of a chore and a job. My work had always felt more of where I needed to be, didn't ever seem like work, was quite enjoyable and fulfilling. The job hasn't changed a bit. I have. I have become more preoccupied with who I am, what type of a woman I am, and I'm wondering where my special place is. (It's not all found at my job, where I was always at and what defined me.) When I step away from it, there is me, a person. I never stepped away, never found myself, but hid myself in a job that really feels so insignificant to who I am.
I've changed. But nothing around me has. Personally, my family is all in check, thank god. They're all the same. Kids are getting bigger, family is expanding and I'm still where I'm at, as if I were 15 again. I love them but eh, I want and crave another life, something I never dared to think of.
H. H. H. the last component of change. He changed, I swear.... I didn't. It was him, all his doing. Your Honor, that man has changed. I'd like to blame him. He became so distant, drew so far away from me....and one day, poof...gone into the abyss. Doesn't even answer the phone.
My attitude---:you no longer want my love, my attention....you got it.
If he has wished me away, so be it. If I love him, I must let him go, if he comes back, then I torture him for life...or something like that, I always forget the ending of that saying...
Once again, all alone....but trying to make this life that I now crave a reality. A life of me, a life for me, just me...of all of the things I wanted long ago but forgot about, of all of the dream I had but awoke. Now, its me, my turn....my time, to finally unleash all that has filled me and consume me through years of tuning out. I'm ready to take a chance, but scared as hell. Taking things one day at a time and enjoying the new me. The new me of wanting, exploring, and changing.
This life is too short. Its too short to waste on things, jobs, people who really can't see, who really can't fulfill, who really don't care about who you are, what you want, and where you want to go.
It's time to live life as if it ends tomorrow, because in reality, it will end sooner than we think. And if its one thing I really want, its someone to love me for me....not for what I do, what I have, or what I look like, or where I studied...but for me....for who I am. That will be a first....a first that I've waited patiently for....so wish me luck...
It's not that I'm uninspired or boring, but more empty. Job life has become dull, repetitious and seems more of a chore and a job. My work had always felt more of where I needed to be, didn't ever seem like work, was quite enjoyable and fulfilling. The job hasn't changed a bit. I have. I have become more preoccupied with who I am, what type of a woman I am, and I'm wondering where my special place is. (It's not all found at my job, where I was always at and what defined me.) When I step away from it, there is me, a person. I never stepped away, never found myself, but hid myself in a job that really feels so insignificant to who I am.
I've changed. But nothing around me has. Personally, my family is all in check, thank god. They're all the same. Kids are getting bigger, family is expanding and I'm still where I'm at, as if I were 15 again. I love them but eh, I want and crave another life, something I never dared to think of.
H. H. H. the last component of change. He changed, I swear.... I didn't. It was him, all his doing. Your Honor, that man has changed. I'd like to blame him. He became so distant, drew so far away from me....and one day, poof...gone into the abyss. Doesn't even answer the phone.
My attitude---:you no longer want my love, my attention....you got it.
If he has wished me away, so be it. If I love him, I must let him go, if he comes back, then I torture him for life...or something like that, I always forget the ending of that saying...
Once again, all alone....but trying to make this life that I now crave a reality. A life of me, a life for me, just me...of all of the things I wanted long ago but forgot about, of all of the dream I had but awoke. Now, its me, my turn....my time, to finally unleash all that has filled me and consume me through years of tuning out. I'm ready to take a chance, but scared as hell. Taking things one day at a time and enjoying the new me. The new me of wanting, exploring, and changing.
This life is too short. Its too short to waste on things, jobs, people who really can't see, who really can't fulfill, who really don't care about who you are, what you want, and where you want to go.
It's time to live life as if it ends tomorrow, because in reality, it will end sooner than we think. And if its one thing I really want, its someone to love me for me....not for what I do, what I have, or what I look like, or where I studied...but for me....for who I am. That will be a first....a first that I've waited patiently for....so wish me luck...
posted by vita86lover at 10:37 PM
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