Youth

Here's the question...why is youth wasted on the young? It really is such a waste. When I was young, as I reminice on my younger days, first of all, I had it going on. I was such a snot, such a bitch, stuck up beyond words, but somehow nice to all. Was never cruel or down right mean to anyone, just a few not so nice people at NYU who made a habit of making fun of the weak, dorky students. That annoyed me tremendously, so that really was the only time to fuck with people. So somewhere in my twisted way of thinking, yeah I was doing a good thing. My youth was filled with lots of excitement and entertainment. No, not getting drunk and puking all over people, nope I was a lady, a real girlie girl. Not smoking a blunt having a foul mouth, nope, I was a lady. From young I was with "the cool guy", the man of the town. Good looking, cool, would "crack yur fuckin head open, would bury you in a minute Italian thug. Yeah, he kept me good for 14 years. Thank God. So here I am now, looking back on those great moments. Where did the time go? Was I supposed to get married, have kids? Did I miss something? Do you get that time back? Is there something in a bottle that can help restore the youthful appearance that's beginning to fade? Nope, there is nothing. Youth is gone, there is no pearl creme available that can bring it all back. The carefree attitude, the adventure, the risks, are all gone. I've gotten old in age, but I want to remain youthful. What I'm faced with now is horrid, horrendous, not what this once 24, 25 year old wanted. This is my harsh reality: for starters, yes I'm single, 35. Not certain, no stock placed on having children or getting married, not a must but eh, I guess you can say I'm open minded. So dating, a huge issue. Who do I date? Starting to realize that the 30 something year old who has never married and who has now reached that special place, financially, emotionally, and career wise, wants marriage. He wants kids, lots of them and he wants them now. At my age, I am not certain if I'm ready for an 18+ years adjustment. Don't know if this is a commitment I wish to commit to. So I must leave him on hold for now. So let's look at the early 40's population. Either he's divorced with baggage and issues or he's single, just moved back in with mom, because "he's saving to buy a house" and has more issues than the divorced one who has to "babysit on the weekends." Either which way, you're looking at spending your weekends home. Mr. Saving for the house needs to save money for the house and Mr. Mom is into spending quality time with the children you really don't want to meet....ever. Either which way, you're looking at "old balls." Old balls are gross. Old balls get tired. Women in their 30's only want sex, and lots of it. We are at our peak. So what is there to do? So now you start hearing from and meeting 20 something year olds, something you're not open minded to, something that is considered taboo, socially unacceptable, morally wrong. But guess what, Mr. Twenty something has nice balls. He wants to experiment, have wild, unspeakable experiences. Yet, he doesn't wish to be called every our on the hour. He doesn't want to know everyday where this is heading. You stop and realize, Holy Shit, where have you been the last 5 years of my life. Let's face it, at my age, do we need someone up our ass, no pun intended, 24 hours a day? Nope, we have a boss for that. Do we need to hear whining, no. Do we need to hear from you every day and be with you all fuckin day long, no....we just want you a good few hours of the week, then you must go because we do need our rest, we do work, we need family time, we need our "me" time." So you begin to talk to him a bit and you realize, holy shit, he's perfect, he fits right into what I need now in my life. Demi Moore is so fucking cool, Ashton gets no grief, no whining, their sex life must be amazing, they must both have huge appetites. It works. So you begin to think, you begin to listen. God, he is so relaxed, so not "in any type of rush." He is so freakin cool. He is full of life, he's not 30 and he's not 40, he understands that you want to slip on that short slut black dress, no panties, no bra, those fuck me pumps and that you want to be taken out to that midtown bangin club and that you want to have him do the unquestionable, the unthinkable with you, who cares if people are watching. You still have that wild side to you...too wild for the other age groups to pick up on, hmmmm, what to do, what to do.....I don't know. AllI know is that I want to remain youthful, sexy, playful, a bad ass, a wise ass. I want someone who is not uptight, who creates adventure, passion, and fun, who does not need me 24 hours a day, someone in control. Is it right or is it wrong? Oh my, I'm no longer Charlotte, I've now become Samantha. What to do, what to do? Oh yeah, that's me in my youth...and yep I do have large framed pictures of myself all over......because I know it's never coming back! (See August for another picture of me, I love myself)

Through My Eyes

He became my eyes
My eyes chose to close
My eyes couldn't see
I saw through his eyes
He made me see again

He was my breath
I can breathe him in
I can breathe him out
He made me breathe again
He gave me breath

He touched my heart
I felt him in my heart
He's still in my heart
He gave me a pulse

He is with me
He walks everyday with me
He talks everyday with me
He is still apart of me

I can't let him go
I don't want to let him go
Could he ever know
My eyes long to see him
To be lost in him
My Lover

Dashing, Divine, and Sexy

So we go out tonight. A beautiful night, how I long for this weather never to end. The San Genarro Feast is packed, way too packed. Not what it used to be, could've sworn I saw a little old chinese woman trying to sell a roll of toilet paper. So he is quite handsome, we eat, we walk, we talk, he holds my hand. He is gentle, sweet, speaks lovingly. His eyes are beautiful. They speak to me. I can see his dreams, his desires. I desire him, not forever, just for now. He claims he needs to go slow with me. I want him to speed it up. He talks and talks, shares his dreams, his goals. He has a 5 year plan. I don't wish to be part of the plan, I have other plans. Do I share them with him? Do I reveal marriage is great, finding one who is marriage minded...well..good luck. I don't believe there is just one person out there who can really make you happy. I think everyone is full of shit. I think people just believe they might marry because what else will they do. I believe some people look for financial security, some for children, to bring into a cold and morbid world, hope you all live until you're 90. If you don't, who will take care of the kids? How more fucked up will they be without you? So I think he needs to look and share elsewhere, stop his drinking and smoking and start making babies, so he can see them grow up, see them graduate. Now, if he wants to become better aquainted, wants to pass some time with a vixen, wants to be a bit obnoxious and carefree, then I think we're on. If not, what a waste of a dashing, divine, and oh so sexy man. He needs to rush, he needs to pull himself together, he needs to chase after his dream woman and dream children. As for me, I just want a sweet, passionate fling, someone, unlike the ex, who threatened to get me pregnant. Not looking to get trapped, not looking to fall in love, just looking to fall in lust. Lust is good. Love is bad. Keep telling thy self no need to buy the whole pig just for the sausage....Lust lust lust.....

People Person

As I've gotten older, I've realized something about myself....I don't like people. I always thought I was a people person, always cheerful, rather bubbly and all. Now, I have to say, new revelation, I just hate people, absolutely detest them to no end! Maybe I'm just having a really crappy week, but umm nope, I don't think this is the case. I'm sitting here, pondering, and yes, I do believe it's true, as we get older, our patience wears thin. You begin to see people through a different set of eyes. I mean, I'm at a point where being around children is more refreshing than hearing complaints, mindless chatter, and pure arrogance from adults around me. I feel as if I need to run away. Here's an example, you're having a wonderful day, you're all dressed, your wall is up, which states, "just keep walking" and then all of a sudden, you're approached by that nagging, boring housewife, full of complaints. She has to stop you just to share how miserable she is in her life. Now, my life is not exactly 100% where I would like it to be. I would say it's about 90% there. (10% is the sausage that I refuse the buy whole pig for) I would never dream of approaching a mere aquaintance about my drama. I wouldn't dream of ruining someone's beautiful moment or day with my negative bullshit. I really think its best to make lite of all situations, no one I know has a perfect life. In life, we have to make the best of all circumstances and situations, laugh at the most ridiculous mistakes we've made, some bigger than others. Nothing is really that serious. No heart break, let down, or irresponsible lover is worth your tears. We all get our cuts and bruises, some deeper than others. I think it's time for all people, especially women, to stop complaining and lighten up. Don't make everyone around you miserable! Try to fill your moments with good thoughts, positive people, and good fun friends. Will things always be good....never....but we can sure sit around thinking about our hardships with a softer heart, like about 2 months ago, when I so desperately wanted to find this whore anna just to pop her in her face....I can sit here now and knowing I'm a solid hard ass with an excellent swing....I realize it's best to just laugh with my girls about this....there will be more anna's, aka hoe's throughout life, more drama, more lovers. So for tomorrow, I shall cross the street to avoid you, park my car far away from yours, and keep my smile on my face...as things are just not that bad!

What a Beautiful Night

It's such a beautiful night over this great city. How I hate for it to come to an end. It's so calming, so peaceful, so tranquil. Makes you feel as if it will always be here. Unfortunately, the good never lasts forever. All good things do come to an end. It will soon be time for the cool weather then the absolute brutally cold. So while we have it, we should enjoy it, every moment, stretch the night as long as you can, savor every moment, because when it ends, it will be a long while before it returns. Remember how you feel, how it makes you feel, how you long to know that it will be there tomorrow. This is pretty much how I view life, how I view others, how I view my lover. When I give him that final last strong yet gentle embrace of the night, very close to my heart. When I give him that last passionate kiss at the end of our evening. When I look into his eyes and he into mine and we just know there has to be a tomorrow. Tomorrow will come. When tomorrow comes, I will see him again, and savoring and enjoying his mouth, I will devour his mouth with my bold lips and allow him to feel the passion, the energy I have for him. Soon it will be night time, soon it will end, soon I will long once again for the sun to rise with him in my mind, right next to me, where he belongs. Together we're ready for the cold, the brisk weather where our body heat becomes our own method of survival. So for tonight I enjoyed you, until tomorrow, Darling.

Peace

Sunday, September 10, 2006

As we approach the fifth anniversary of September 11, 2001 tomorrow, may we all find the strength to show compassion to all and especially to our younger ones, to be role models for them, as there are so many of them who are still so frightened and just can't understand. May we all take the time to pause and reflect, remember all who were lost, all who gave their lives, all who served to protect, and all who are left behind. May we show compassion to those who are here, who are still suffering the loss of loved ones. May we all be united tomorrow and after......

Lost And Found

Friday, September 08, 2006


At first, I was lost
Then I found you
You found me
Then you became lost
And then I found you
Now I'm lost
What I did find was myself
Looking to find just one simple lover
To love me and give me what I need
Not you rojo, no offense, kk

Work

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Work is truly amazing. Work puts everything in perspective. It controls all areas of your life. If we didn't have work, we would just sit around all day, wasting our lives, wasting our talents, wasting away. Work dictates when you're doing your food shopping, making phone calls, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning,day dreaming, or causing drama.If I didn't work, I'd probably blog all day or I'd day dream or I'd clean and then clean again. Thank God for work, makes me set limits. Gotta go to bed, gotta go to work!

Mistakes

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

In life, we all make mistakes. I hate to say mistake, because I feel there aren't really mistakes to be made, just learning experiences to learn from. At work, it's possible to make a mistake, which I love to call the ultimate "Fuck Up." However, through the fuck up, you learn. Through many years of experience, in relation to work, we learn. I feel the best way to learn is through listening, through watching, through reading. Through my work experience, which is many years in one field, I learned of course through experience, but majority of my expertise was built on learning from the best and allowing others with seniority in the field to be my teacher. I detest making mistakes. In my personal life, yea I've encountered a lot, live with a lot, made some bad choices, not mistakes, all of which I've learned from. Learned and got the lesson from every bad choice, every mistake. When people set out to make a mistake, know that what they're doing or indulging in is "wrong", it's always safer to just stop and run away. The wisest thing to do is to admit your mistake, show what you've learned. The other person on the receiving end, will have no choice but to show forgiveness. Forgiveness, a word I tend to gravitate to, to use a lot, is very deep for me. In this life, I have forgiven a man who robbed many years of me, a man who brutally assaulted me, a man who violated me for absolutely no reason, a man who tore one of my favorite dresses. I know if I'm capable of forgiving him, then my life will be better for me, so I did it. So in essence, I've learned that forgiveness is the gift you give YOURSELF. Everyone is worthy of being forgiven, because in life, we all make mistakes, we have all made poor choices that led us somewhere. Usually that somewhere is to another bad place. So in life, if you never get that forgiveness from that specific person, know that you have to forgive yourself, you can forgive yourself. Nothing in life is that bad, bad is when there is death, death of a loved one, or the death of yourself even though you still have life inside of you. So as far as mistakes are concerned, make your mistakes, learn from them, ask or give forgiveness, because it really is the bandaid that makes it all better. You'll feel better and life is about being and feeling the best you could. With good people around you, with good thoughts, and with the gift of forgiveness, it will make you better in life, because we only travel this route once. People come into and out of our lives always at the right moment, some you don't want to leave, some, you never ever, ever want to leave. These choices or mistakes are up to you, coming from someone who feels there are NO MISTAKES. There should never be any fighting and forgiveness should be given everywhere, especially all around the world. Oh and did I mention, I hate fighting. I'm a lover, not a fighter. No mistake here only forgiveness, because it makes me better, makes me get through the day better with a lighter heart.

Just A Thought

Okay....I'm just thinking....I know, I know, this is the last thought girls and then I'm done........I promise.I think people who lie......should die.Okay it may be a bit brutal and I am quite gentle by nature, but I really do feel that people who lie should be handcuffed and jailed for maybe 30 days.I think society would be better and I also feel that it would be better for all of us, especially me.Do you know what lying does?Lying makes you feel that you will be lied to again, it's like hitting.After that, the trust is so hard to build back.I think it's the worst thing to do.I would rather be honest and boring rather than exciting and lying.I have always been honest. I would rather get in trouble, take my punishment, rather than to lie and not be trusted again.Especially with friendships. I think it's best to just be who you are. If someone doesn't like you for you and can't appreciate all that you are, who you are, what you stand for, your beautiful secret thoughts, then they weren't worth your time anyway. Someone will come along who will like you for you. Your job won't matter, your age won't matter, your money won't matter. The only thing that would matter would be your honesty and trust in that person. You will love them for their honest ways with you and for the way they speak to you...okay, I'm done. I promise.

City Life

Sunday, September 03, 2006

It's one thirty in the morning and I must say, I am living life in the fast lane. What a beautiful day and a beautiful evening. Today I met up with a wonderful male friend of mine. Now mind you, I'm not one to have male friends, a lesson that I learned early in life. After attending an all girls school for many years, and then beginning college, I realized it's best to not have male friends. For me, my experience has always been that men will eventually make a move on you. It's best to just steer clear and besides, being a girlie girl naturally, I tend to bond with the females very well, except for the psycho, low achieving, nerdy ones. Being that I had a very jealous Italian boyfriend before even starting college, it was also the most respectful thing to do anyway. I know, I'm just the perfect girlfriend. So back to my friend, a friend I made not too long ago. He is just a plain, sweet guy, like a girlfriend. He is very wise and very thoughtful. I'm sure a typical man beast in his own way, but just sweet and respectful to me, which is all that matters. So he calls me bright and early and asks if I would like to hang out in the city with him today. So being a comfortable stay at home, stagnant fuck, remembering my promises, I agreed. I got all dressed up for him, felt good about myself, did my hair, and met with him on the lower east side. We had a ball. I loved being out, loved being with him. For lunch, we had Indian food. I had some great chicken tikka, rice and raita, he ordered a vegetarian dish which was out of this world. He is a professional chef, so when it comes to food and exchanging ideas, he's the one to entertain it. He doesn't come off as that 'I know it all" type, which makes him so easy to talk to. Being that I have turned over a new leaf, we sat and talked about writing a book together. We think it would be nice to write a book about how good Indian food is and the title should be "Why Indian food tastes so good." And how we laughed, we walked, we talked, we shopped, and we laughed some more. It was such a beautiful day. A beautiful day to enjoy with a nice male friend. A good male friend who has such a big heart. He listens to me and gives excellent advice. Today we continued to speak about the mysterious disappearance of my lover. He was just so supportive and so nurturing to me. He claims that my ex-lover was a total lying shit who met someone new to torture and that I should be happy that I'm rid of him. He also told me that for a man to not even discuss ending any type of friendship or relationship would show that a man is just not a nice person, he wasn't nice and considerate of me. So this made sense to me. I'm the type of person who is nice to everyone, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for anyone. I'm very laid back and nothing bothers me. I won't lie when I say I would hate to feel that someone would take advantage of my kind heart. I don't think kindness should be mistaken for weakness. But what could you do, there are just people out there that are so insensitive to the good hearted girls. So my friend, he knows exactly what type of person I am. We sat in the park for some time and he let me rest my head on his shoulder. He also told me that there was nothing wrong with me. He said its great to be well guarded and he also said something else that made me listen to his advice overall. He said that it's best to learn through wisdom and not through experience, the less learned through experience, the lesser the hurt in one's life. I think his words are precious. Here I am, feeling out of tune with the women of the world today, meaning that I do not sleep with 5 men in 5 nights, and then I hear this from my friend. He told me I was going to be just fine and that there is nothing wrong in the way I choose to live my life. AAAh....feels so good to be validated. Feels good to be with a man who is that deep, that inspirational, that compassionate. Need to find these qualities in my new lover. So tomorrow, I'm having a huge barbecue before everyone heads back to school. I've decided it would be nice to invite my male friend, as he's the only male in my life at the moment. He promised to help me make my famous potato salad and I think the closer we become, the luckier I'll be. Could this be the man I'm supposed to measure? Could this be the one i check to see if he's equal all around? Oh come on.....you know you do it with your girlfriends all the time...you know you measure each other just to see. I measure my right arm with the left to see if they're perfect, then I measure my right leg with the left, then my right ear with the left and so on..could he be the man I measure, I always felt that there would be only 1 man that I can ever measure in my life. So getting out and about all day, hanging in the city, and being with good comfortable company was fantastic, Laughing and giggling like a high school girl, something I will be certain to make a habit of. Love being spontaneous! Love to measure, but was a good girl. When measuring a man...well I'll say, YOU'LL JUST KNOW..he has to be that special one....if you find yourself measuring him, I would believe that he's THE ONE! Measuring is serious. Don't think I'm ready for seriousness, but it's nice to think of having someone to measure. Miss being in the company of a man. Love hearing there's nothing wrong with me! Appreciate my good friends, want a new lover with the sweet qualities of my friend, but not my friend, my friend is just my friend, and most of all, how I love the city!

Elevation

Saturday, September 02, 2006

So it's a beautiful rainy night. The type of weather that forces you to think of someone you know you shouldn't be thinking of. That person who is probably not thinking of you at this moment. If he was, then he would be with you, right now. It's best to believe that he is with another. This is the time that you create for yourself. You had a nice quiet evening, the way you like it. You took a long nice hot bath, slipped into your favorite silk robe, made a hot cup of tea, listened to the rain, listened to your favorite cd, and thought about life. So life, what and to whom does it bring us to? There comes that time when me meet someone or connect to someone who puts things into perspective for us. They come along at a time when we need to prioritize certain ideals. A time when we have remained stagnant and idle for too long, a time that we long to end and escape from but was just missing the push, the strong hand to guide you back, or should I say forward. When we can reexamine our long lost dreams and face them as they are tapped into and forced to resurface on us. So where are you headed in life? Why did your dreams die when a part of you died? Why did you allow this to happen for so long. This person just comes out of the clear crystal blue and makes you revisit these places. This person elevates you. This person has you on a high, even if you never experienced actually getting high, but makes you feel that same way when you've had a little too much to drink. You become elevated. Through elevation, you're able to see your paths. The fear has miraculously disappeared. You're in control now. You actually can see the many different paths that are all right in front of you. So many choices need to be made and now you may feel that time is not on your side. You have to set goals, set time limits. Rexamine all possibilities, all paths, be careful making your choices. You have chosen to live your life to the fullest, fuck the uncertainty. You realize now that there is nothing wrong with marriage, nothing wrong with having a child. You're talking to people, the risk takers. They're telling you that even if a marriage ends, at least you can say you married, as opposed to never taking that chance. You listen. You think. This person also tells you that happiness is in a blink of an eye. Meaning that there are so many things we can do in one day, have a fight, end a friendship, and in a blink of an eye, the very next morning, you can just wake up and set things straight for yourself, see things to the end, not leaving any stone unturned. This is coming from strength and not weakness and when coming from strength, anything and everything is possible. It's all about taking chances and risks. It's about being bold. Now, I am quite bold, but when it comes to myself, I don't take the risks or bold steps that i should. Being elevated is amazing. I will now make the attempt to go out every weekend. I will make the attempt to meet new and interesting men, I will take the best care of myself and treat myself to the best of everything. I will work less this year. I will not commit myself to more than I have to work wise. My elevation will take place in my personal life. I will give myself 3 months to be with someone who I can enjoy, who can enjoy me. Time is running out and there is a need to set time limits on the important things in life. I refuse to make my life about work. I will go somewhere during every holiday and concentrate on having a man in my life, not because i need him, but because i need to take the risk, i need to say, "I did it", "I did that", "I went there", "I know that now". I'm ready to take a chance again, ready to put my life on the line for you. You get what you want when you go for it and I'm ready to take a chance again with you...God, don't you just love Barry Manillow! Okay, I'll stop, and rojo, please don't read and comment, this is solely for me to reread and remain focused! Not you, don't wish to be rude, but i think it's best for me to meet men the old fashioned way, which means no more computer!! So perfect timing, My favorite feast ever is approaching, which is the San Gennaro in Little Italy, and having friends who own those quaint little restaurants there, I think this will be a good start for me! Italian men love me too much! Think it's time to get back to revisit the past and have a little fun, meet someone, give him more than the last one, and have him last another 12 years or more with me, no time left to be afraid. Making a relationship and commitment work is a lot of hard work. But what's easy in life? Nothing. I've learned that being responsible to someone, for someone, adding to someone's life and his happiness was work, but at the same time, it was easy work. It was fulfilling, it was when I was at my best. Not being selfish and not being alone. I did better in my life with a man on my arm, with a man, a real gangster type man who always put his hand out for mine. I was best being in the company of a man, having a man take the lead, having a man to depend on, having a man that listened and never left me for nothing. I was best laughing, being a goof, walking around and pulling up my skirt. I miss the craziness, the wild streak that comes out when you're with that person who makes you secure, that man who doesn't give you the question mark, but the man who's able to give you the period, the one who keeps you secure. I was best when I was watching a movie, cooking a meal, going to Atlantic City, enjoying people and making the time to do the things I wanted to do with people, as opposed to saying, "Ah Fuck it", I'll do it some other time, maybe next month, because next month never comes now. No time for regrets. No time to sit around being stagnant and content. God, I know i'll miss my peace and tanquility and boring but oh so comfortable routines. Talking like a big girl so reread and reread and just do it!! You have to elevate your life, your mind, your ways. You need a man!! You need a man!! You need a man!!

Just A Thought

Saturday, September 02, 2006


Just a thought on this rainy, romantic night........Only when we are so far from someone do we realize how close that one really is to us.........

Hanging Out

Thursday, August 31, 2006

So I just got in from hanging out in Brooklyn. What a beautiful night! How I love the night time. Sitting here, I wish this night would never end. Wish I didn't have to be home right now. Wish I didn't have a 9am meeting tomorrow. So tonight, I became a kid again. I went to Coney Island. Coney Island will always be Coney Island. Didn't ride the Cyclone or anything daring of that caliber. I did ride the Wonder Wheel. Being so high up in what I believe to be the best borough ever, brought back so many precious memories. It has been years that I ever felt so free. Being on that Wonder Wheel was so romantic. Looking over, onto the beach was so breathtaking. It was relaxing, calming, vibrant. As I was sitting there, looking at the beach, I had only one person in mind. Someone who once took me away romantically for a brief moment to a beach. It brought back that memory to me, of him holding my hand, pulling me into him, unbuttoning my buttons and breathing on my neck. I snapped out of it as we descended and the ride ended. So I needed to have some chocolate fudge. How I love chocolate fudge. Not much of one with a sweet tooth, but how I crave my chocolate fudge, no nuts though. So now my girlfriend, ah yeah, pretty much my life right here, my pal, the only one who understands me best, the one I confide all to, yep, she sees the psychic booth. Being Roman Catholic, yep, it's against our faith, but does she care, nope she doesn't. So being a child again, I said, "What the hell", forgive me Father for I'm about to sin. Throughout my years, I have learned to trust. I've built up a faith, if that's what it's called, to just trust and believe that wherever life takes me, and to whomever life takes me to, there's a reason. I never question, I just flow, enjoying every step of the journey, whether it's my work or people. I give all 100% because I don't know where or to whom I'll be blown to next. Oops, I just said blown, but you know what I mean. So the psychic, my girlfriend goes first. I was asked to leave the premises. Being a bad ass, I commented that "I know my girlfriend better than you, anyway" and then I left the premises. Next thing you know, my girlfriend is waving to me all of 5 minutes later. I guess psychic balls was a fraud. So it's my turn, before going in, I whisper in a pretty loud voice, "Was she good?" My girlfriend tells me she's about to cry. I guess that means good. So I sit there and you know I want to crack up, because I'm feeling a little nervous, a tad bit uneasy. So she wants to see my palms. I said, 'Which one?" She said both. So I show her my 2 beautiful, sexy palms. She tells me there was a man recently. I agreed. She told me that he disappeared but he'll return for me. She also said that there is so much negative around him. So I'm sitting there agreeing because if there was positive surrounding him, then he would be between my legs right about now. He would've even had me on the Wonder Wheel and then on the beach. So I proceed to be good and listen as I'm told. So I guess her psychic ability started to become frightened. And as fate would have it, because there is so much negativity around my long lost lover, whom I desired so much, it would be all of my fault. Why? Because I need to be spiritually healed. It would cost me only 40 bucks and it will happen only over night. And until I'm spiritually cleansed, then and only then, will my negative lover return to me. What to do, What to do. All of these decisions. I was having such a good time and now I'm forced to think, to make a decision. Would you believe me if I told you that I detest making decisions. I thought that's what men are for. And if my negative lover is so negative, wouldn't HE need to be spiritually cleansed, he's the negative one, not I. So I explained that I would need to think about this for about a week and a half. I explained that I am not 1 to make quicky snappy decisions, especially spiritual ones. So I don't think the psychic likes me at all by now. I personally feel I need some sexual healing. I think I would be left very cleansed and very refreshed and I'd probably save the 40 bucks for what else, but a new pair of shoes. So is the psychic right? Is she on the money? Time will tell. If my lover is negative and I'm positive, then I accept that it was not meant to be. Do I feel that I will ever go against my religion. No I won't. People out there are all scammers. They prey on heart broken, lonely people. 40 bucks easily turns into 4,000 bucks. And you allow someone to convince you that you're not capable of being loved, they rob you of not only your money, but of your reality. And reality dictates that what's meant to be will be. If he returns, he returns. If he doesn't, I enjoyed every moment of it as he drifted into my life. Did I get the lesson. Yes I did. We connected for a reason or reasons. Do I wish his stay was longer, YES. So life itself, is one big Wonder Wheel. It goes around and around. Where you stop, no one knows. So just sit back and enjoy the ride, enjoy the beauty around you, especially when you're on top. Enjoy the good company in your life. And there will always be more people getting on and off. I enjoyed the night, enjoyed hearing about my lover, and enjoyed the good company I was with. What more could a girl want?

Shortest Fairy Tale Ever

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Just some more fun before reapproaching life's drama and seriousness.Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"He said, "No." And she lived happily ever after.She went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, stayed skinny, enjoyed her baths, spoiled herself rotten, and finally, enjoyed her lover.

Just For Fun

Monday, August 28, 2006


Okay, this one's for fun. In life, we need to be serious, but there must also be laughter and craziness as well. Keep your soul young, lighten up, be playful, it'll keep you young, like me!When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when i remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Vita, may I please speak to Salvatore Khan?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f***ing number!" and he slammed the phone down. When I tracked down Sal's number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last 2 digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the "wrong number" again. When the same guy answered the phone again, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or having a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole." It always cheered me up, made me feel better. When caller id was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to stop. So I called his number and said "Hi, this is Lisa Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our caller id program." He yelled "No" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!" and I hung up.One day I was at the store getting ready to pull into a parking spot. All of a sudden, some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down HIS number.A few days later, right after calling a**hole #1, (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole too. I said,"Is this the man with the Black BMW for sale? He said, "Yes it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said. "I live at 123 86th Street and the car's parked right in front. I asked, "What's your name?" He said, " Don Johnson." I asked, "When's a good time to see it Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after 5pm." I said, "Listen Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, adding his number to my speed dial too.Now when I had a problem, I had 2 a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea.I called a**hole #1. He said, "Hello". I said "You're an a**hole" but I didn't hang up. He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Johnson" He said, "Yeah, where do you live?" I said, "A**hole, I live at 123 86th Street. I have a black beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now Don and you better say your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole" and I hung up.Then I called A**hole#2, He said, "Hello" and I said "Hello A**hole." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are....I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!" I answered, "Well, a**hole, today's your lucky day, because I"m coming over right now!" Then I hung up and immediately called the police, explained that I lived at 123 86th Street and that my gay lover was coming over to kill me. Then I called the Channel 3 News Team and explained about the gang war going down at 123 86th Street. I quickly got in my car and headed over to see 2 a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 cop cars and an overhead news helicopter. Now I feel much better!

Searching Your Heart

Friday, August 25, 2006

Before starting i would like to announce, Rojo, this one's for you.Half man, half coward, but complete beast calls. He actually learned something. He learned that he missed you. He is quite honest and speaks with conviction. Mr. Coward opens up and he actually speaks from his heart, not from his head, not from his balls. He did what's called soul searching. He sat with himself, by himself, not with his boys, all of whom are not equipped to even remotely ever entertain a woman of your caliber, oh but yeah, they have an opinion. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one, and they all stink. So always love your ass best. Always trust in your own opinion and don't rely on the kindness of others. So getting back to him, he has taken this time with his thoughts, his feelings, you know, those things way deep down inside of you, those little pulses that you try so hard to block, ignore, and run away from. He has tapped into this unknown area of himself. Ah, and what did he discover, half man half beast realizes that he has trusting issues. There is no one to blame for this except himself. Mr. Perfection realizes that he has a problem, an intimacy problem. He realizes he lacks a pulse. After much soul searching, he comes to you to admit that he was scared, frightened, afraid that yup, he's actually growing up. He can be resposible for someone. He can really gain from you so much experience that he's lacking. He is now ready to be responsible towards you, with you. This is a good thing, especially if he plans on having children someday, because as we all know, yeah, you have kids, you have no life. You exist for them and only them. They will suck every ounce of your once life from you. Ask anyone you know. And of course, they will respond with the "it's the best thing in the world" comment. Know why? what else can they say, they're already in it, must convince thy self. So he is truthful with you. Now honey, i put a lot of time and effort into you to make you stronger, so be careful here. You have to do the same. Soul search. Tap into far beyond. Answer a few questions of thy self. Are you more miserable with him or without him? If he comes back into your life, are you settling? Is he as strong as you need a man to be? Will he pull this stunt again? Are you willing to stop, hold him in your arms and have a deep, lets get on the same page relationship. Are you willing to give him more energy? Can you walk away and be fine? Will he creep into your mind, umm say around Christmas, when your eyes happen to fall on that perfect Tiffany Watch he loved. You know how holiday time convinces you that you need your little sexy bad santa lingerie and of course, your man. While pondering these thoughts through your soul searching, you must come to a decision where you feel complete. We know you DON"T NEED HIM TO COMPLETE YOU, but does he fit? Does he fit into your lifestyle, your world, your career, your life? Is he worth that chance? You tell me. When you struggle for your answers, let me in after. My input.....life is about taking risks, life is about knowing when to say you're sorry, how to say you're sorry. Life is about forgiving. Life is about honesty. And above all qualities, life is about trust, so can he be trusted again. oh you men, if its anything, swear above everything and anything that you will put your hand in fire before fucking up the trust thing, know why? it's the hardest to regain. Could've been avoided with the HONESTY first. Life is about living and learning. Take the risk, put it all to chance, live and learn, love him and desire him? become uninhibited, like beasts, become unstoppable, release and let go, and my now favorite saying in the world, enjoy the journey, fuck the destination. Life is too short. Live according to the rules of Leo Buscaglia, whom I believe said it best, if you love someone, say it now, if you want to give them flowers, give it to them now, rather than on the grave, oh and make mine red roses, of course.

The Week Off

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

It's now a week or over a week since you've heard from your man, your lover, your husband, your significant other, your "friend", your big boostad bastard. How do you feel? He still hasn't called to tell you what his problem is, the only thing you know is that it isn't you, how could it have been something you did? You're just so wonderful and vita loves you. So he hasn't left coward mode, hasn't even budged. He's killing you with his silence, the deadly killer, so he thinks. Ladies, we need to let out some secrets here, so please, please don't be mad at me, have to help the needy. Does he not know and realize that by this time, you've been on the horn with your girls, your female coworkers, your mom, any and every female with a pulse, even the female bartender and the sales girl at the lipstick counter. Does Mr. Let me reveal to the whole world that i'm not a man, who has no balls to call and explain that we're through realize, does he realize that you have just indulged in a week long of male bashing? That every female you have encountered through your tears has degraded him to the smallest piece of shit to ever exist. Doesn't he realize that by now he has no spine. Does he not realize that you and your female entourage just spent endless hours of male bashing him, right down to his penis size and his most ridiculous love making techniques that, oh let me pause to yawn, are just so boring and what the hell was he thinking. So it's your week off, your girls made you feel better, they dried your tears, assured you that you're way to good for him and magnified his every weekness, just for you, because you're ms. wonderful; you can do so much better. Every man has one of those, you do not need his, time for someone new and improved, who's slower than the speeding bullet, charming, thoughtful, and a MAN. A man of his words, not some ball-less coward who has chosen the easy way out, who just never even called to mention he needed break time. Imagine if he was on a team, that would be a penalty. Proof that your ex-quarter of a man truly has no game, no experience, is not the lover you craved in the first place, and he is definately no baller. (love the sweaty men) So the week is up, how are you feeling precious baby girl? Do you realize what you've learned? You can go a week without him. Its only been a week and you realize now that you don't need him, you never loved him, you were in love with the idea of being in love. You see, there are so many relationships that we have built, nurtured, valued and cared for. For example, I know i can't ever go a week without speaking or meeting with my parents, my sister, or of course, my girls. So you see, these are valued relations that we can't seperate from so easily. But you did it, you have deleted him right out of memory. You kept yourself busy with work and those near and dear ones. You did it, and could you believe, ching ching, just in time for the weekend. So now its up to you to grab that sexy little black dress, those fuck me heels, and make that hair sexy. The key is always sexy, time to act like a whore, of course without being one, thats for the fat low self esteem, ugly girls, not us, the elite ones. Have a great time and search for that new lover who you will find but you now know the things you need in him, those things Mr. what's his name never gave to you. You know what you will take and what you will run away from. You are so smart. You learned so much this week, you learned what you're willing to accept and what you're not, you know you will find mr. I have a phone and i know how to use it, mr. let me talk dirty to you before you go to bed, so i know you see me and feel me in your dreams. Now thats what i'm talking about. A real man, a real hard man is so good to find. So now lets peeky peek on the weakest link. Upp, there he is, and yep you're still in his head, your smell, your feel, your eyes. You are still haunting him, making him feel that he needs you, he needs more of you, he doesn't want what feels so good to end, not yet. What did he do. He's still sitting there in his sweaty sweat pants, with his hands down them of course, thinking of you. What does he do, he decides to call you, after all, the weekend is coming and i need some putang pie and some of her good loving. What does fool say now, umm could you believe babe, the cat got in the dryer again, but this time she wasn't so lucky and i've been sitting here, so broken all week, i need my baby girl. Or coward who grew some balls says, I don't know babe, i thought a week away would show me i wouldn't miss you, but i do Darling, (isn't there something just so breathtaking and so sexy when your man calls you darling, makes me take my clothes off) and i want you back in my life and no more week offs, never, never, i tell you darling (hee hee). Voila, you have officially earned important relations status. yup you're like his moms.So what do you do baby girl, what do you say? You had such a good week off. And, as all men, he has come back to once again eventually succeed in ruining your life.

You Can't Make Him A Man

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

It's humanly impossible to take a coward and turn him into a man over night. A man can never ever change unless deep down in his soul, he wants to change. It doesn't matter how beautiful you are, how good natured you are, how much of a sweetheart you are. He can only change his distorted ways through re-examination of his thoughts, his mantra's, his ways of thinking about life. And lets face it, we all have opinions of how to be in relationships, certain codes that we live by, certain ideals, but do they really work? He has to re-examine the thought process. He has to come to terms with the FACT that his views/motto's about girls or relationships JUST DOES NOT WORK. How do i know this? Ask him how long his most serious and intimate relationship was. If you get a poop answer, then voila...he's without a clue. Let's just say he was with a woman for many many years. Then this a stable man. He knows how to love, how to be loved, how to interact with families, cousins, how to make plans that are outside of a bedroom and may include others as well, he knows how to communicate! After 7 or 8 years, this man makes it solid, there's a bond created that keeps the 2 of you coming back for more, a level of responsibility to the other person. Mr. inexperienced is without a clue. Mr. inexperienced may have game to chase the wrong women and follows the "love em and leave em" approach in life. He may be sexually experienced, which is a huge turn on, but can he keep the relationship going? NO HE CAN"T. Even if there's a good sexual connection, he will leave. He has no clue as to what to do. He finds the next girl, tells her how twisted the last one was and takes it out on you. YOU, the complete opposite of the last one. He keeps himself guarded because of failure in the past. He's a huge mess. He doesn't know to handle women, you can't blame a fresh one for anothers actions. Each has to have their own clean slate. He'll stop calling, stop communicating, because he doesn't have another stratergy, another plan, another view. It's the easy way out for him. A real man will always call a woman, set up a brief meeting and break her heart, FACE TO FACE. The almost man, will do it over the phone. The inexperienced man just stops calling and leaves the machine on. He listens in your voice to that panic stricken voice, that "maybe i did something wrong, but ummmm i don't know what it is, can you help me, dear, figure it out" voice. He shifts the blame, "the end" onto you. Why??? Because this is easier. He has not developed his game. He has not "read" yet the correct and right way to end a romance or break up with a lover and still remain friends. Even the most beastly of lovers, the hard core "love em and leave em men", the ones i am sooo drawn to, yes even those, they know how to end with a lover and still remain on common ground. Know why?? Because you never know.....So my advice is no advice. He needs to mature, he needs to know how to end, he needs to be honest. He needs to say honey, I think we need a break, think we're not moving here....be honest...but lets remain in touch..no hard feelings....didn't set out to intentionally hurt you...i enjoyed the journey, you added something to my life....he does this because who knows? Maybe 2 months down the line, he realizes YOU WERE THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. And within those 2 months, He LEARNS MORE ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, ALTERS SOME OF HIS "NOT WORKING" VIEWS, and becomes a MAN. Your man to love. Life is about learning, and lets face it, no 1 person can have all of the "right answers or the right ways". We are too connected to each other on this planet for a reason. The answers lie in all of us. It's a journey god dammit! Enjoy the journey, stop questioning it, move with it, don't skip out on the small town over there, because there, right there is where your journey was pointing, you chose to ignore that small, old fashioned town because it wasn't so pleasing on the outside. And do you know what? You missed that small cafe where synchronized to your fate, there she was, sitting with her coffee, the one to show you, the one you will share and show with also, the many other secrets of life that have yet to be unfolded. This is where the story begins. You missed it, fool. Why? because you don't learn. don't throw people away so quickly, until you've gotten the lesson. Some lessons are longer than others. And timing is of essence, which is why, according to calcualtion, we rarely don't meet that person when we're 4 yrs old, maybe when we're in our 20's or 30's, know why? Because its your time. Oh and, don't take the short cut! (And by the way, according to the dictionary, not me, MAN is defined as one who has courage) Was sup with you men. Go out and get your courage, be that cave man, grab your woman by the hair and drag her back to your cave, because secretly, no matter how independent we think we are, WE LOVE THAT MAN, THAT BEAST, BEST. Love you men! Think: MAN MAN MAN Be the MAN

Missing Him

Monday, August 21, 2006

Now, you're missing your lover, your man. Men, we can't live with them, yet we can't live without them. From an older perspective, i can only say if he is not thinking of you, you shouldn't be thinking of him, if he is too busy for you, then you should be too busy for him, if he is not calling you, you shouldn't call him, if he is not writing to you, don't waste a moment to write to him (write to me instead). Now back to basics, do you follow your heart or your head? Good question. I am a huge romantic, a sap. I would have to say they both must be aligned perfectly. So if he's busy with family or his job consumes him, follow your heart. If he is an alcoholic and beats you everyday, follow your head. This is something you must take the time to explore. If my man was too busy for me, personally, after a long hard day at the job, yes he would walk through the door to an immediate long, wet blow job. If he is a workaholic as you say, then it's best to nurture him, make your man strong and then somewhere in between your lovemaking, tell him you need that extra phone call throughout the day, tell him you need that little spicy email when he has that 1 minute to tell you what he's doing to you later. Tell him that these things are the most important. As women, we need this, we all have the same complaint. Our men don't reach out to us as much as we need, as much as we desire. That 1 extra random minute of the day has us all blushing and secure until he comes home, it tells us he's thinking of us, as we think of him all day long. Why??? Because we're women, and what do women do? we think, we think of our men all day, we miss you all day long. The minutes feel like hours. He should appreciate you and if he loves you and values you, then he'll make this small sacrifice, as relationships are all about compromise!! How dare he! But anyway, tell him how you feel, if he is wise, he will compromise, if not then trust me when i tell you that you should tell him that you will easily find a man to worship you and call you like 7 times a day!!!I don't think i like your lover, he sounds like a selfish lover, who is at risk of losing what may be the best thing in his life, how men are so silly. If only they can be reprogrammed to understand that we need attention, LOTS OF IT.....oh and ask him, Honey, is it better for me to ask for a mink coat or expensive gorgeous soft leather pocket book that ummm I just can't stop smelling instead of just a few additional minutes of your mind when i'm home missing you so much??? This should show him that you really do love him for him, not for the money he's making or the diamond necklace you know he didn't buy you. You sound like a gem, any man would love you. If he claims you're a nag and now his mother, you must reevaluate this relationship, i'm sticking to my guns on this one....selfish lover, workaholic, could be making time for someone else, self centered, never "truly truly loved a woman" (so tell me have you ever really, really really ever loved a woman)

Actions

Monday, August 21, 2006

Okay, there are signs to look for. If you meet with him or maybe you're just speaking to him...always remember the golden rule of Actions Speak Louder Than Words. Ladies, we all know that a man will and can tell you anything. As we expect for them to take all that we say as a given, men expect the same as well. There are so many men out there who will tell you what you want to hear to only get into your pants. Then there are men who will be honest and truthful, which we all know by now, these are the ones looking for mommy, they are looking for you to put their life together for them and to validate them. And ladies, some of you know you are just as to blame. You love to play the game as well. Telling men what they want to hear, making up stupid lies such as, my birthday is next week, just so he buys you something. You know you're guilty. Men are horrible, but ladies, you're no better. I think it may be time for both sexes to give up the game. I believe it's best to be honest from the getgo. If you're honest, he or she will not get hurt. If you're honest, we won't waste each others time by pretending to be the best thing since sliced bread. There are many things one can't lie about, for example ladies, you can really be very sweet/compassionate/sincere or you can actually be a self centered bitch. And being a female, i know first hand that the latter of you exist, way more than the nice, educated, content ones that will spit on you in a second, those are like my typical cousins from brooklyn, the real girls with the real tude. For example, when i go to visit with them, all are educated, nice cars, amazing personalities, can cook of course, and nice, just plain good old fashioned nice attitude, until they come across a real dutta do. The dutta do is the girl who can't hold her own, no car, no education, in and out of jobs, no career, and swears to the Pope, God bless his soul, she has game. These girls are not nice and thats when my cousins, and you know they have a crew, have to give the beat down. The nice well put together girl will always have the upper hand and she will always spit in your face. So in essence, the nice dainty girls are the ones who get shafted for the wannabee liars. So getting back to my point, if you really are a nice person, be yourself, because he will soon be able to tell....and just watch his actions, his actions will prove his love, not his words!!!! And as for all you bitches out there, you don't need the advice because all of the men still want you.

Bouncing Back

Monday, August 21, 2006

Okay so now it's time to bounce back into life. You have now come to terms that his secrets and busyness is not what you want or better yet, NEED in life. Its now time to turn to your girls or to your mom. Venting is good. Tell anyone who would listen that he is a complete jerk and that you are so better off without him. Done venting? Now look inward at yourself. It wasn't you, it really was him. He just doesn't know how to be a man, how to be in control of you and of the 2 of you, he chose the cowardly way out, this is what he knows, can we hate him for not having compassion, no we can't. We need to move on though. Look at you; you're beautiful, you're compassionate, you're loyal, even forgiving. You know you look fantastic, your breasts are wonderful, your full mouth makes men stare, you even have bootie, so listen to Juelz Santana when he says, big lips, hips, tits, ass like a mf. He's a man, he knows what men like. So this weekend you will get dressed in only clothes that accentuates the positives. Sexy is your goal, be sexy, dress sexy, act sexy. You will meet up with your girls, you need to. Its been so long and i know you don't want to, but being in the atmosphere after so long, will make you feel desirable. Your ego is bruised, so its time to fix that by allowing yourself to be worshipped by men, even if they aren't desirable. While you're out, have a drink, light up a cigarette, let the bad girl out for a few hours. She needs to take over and she won't let you down. While scoping out the scene, meet a man, strike up a conversation. Tell him about your broken heart, show him how vulnerable you are. Make him understand that you need his shoulder, all defenses are down. Find a nice dark corner. Let him have his way, let him kiss you, feel your breasts and let him make you feel beautiful, like a woman. DO NOT GO ALL THE WAY. Just close your eyes and do it. This will make you feel better. You know its what you need, what you crave. You need to be validated, you need to be stimulated, you need a new man. Exchange phone numbers. Go out of your way to date him for as long as it lasts. The only way to forget a man is ....with another man. So congratulations! You've taken the 1st step to recovery. Now lets go back to "mr. I can't give myself to you," for just a moment. He is home, watching TV, or on the computer. He is sitting there. with his hand down his sweaty sweat pants, thinking of you, missing your breasts, missing your sexy tattoos, your crazy flirtatious ways, he misses the time you were walking out of the park and pulling up your dress to see if he can completely describe your panties in just 4 flashes, he misses that wickedness. And guess what, you're out, busy, being felt up by another man with an even stronger arm. So its okay to play the game, just make sure you play to win. Winner takes all. And as for mr. whats his name, do you miss him, his smell, his touch, YES you know you do, do you have any regrets, No you don't, just a wonderful learning experience of don't show him more than he shows you. So if you do hear from him, make an assessment, evaluate the conversation, is he worth it? Is he worth your wonderful time and energy, do you still want to fuel this fire, is it a spark or is truly still on fire? If there's fire in your heart, then you know the answer. Go for it, you only live once, there are no regrets in life, just lessons. Have your fun, live your life, and don't play by the rules, or his rules, don't over analyze, just enjoy each other. Enjoy the journey, fuck the destination! (I miss my lover)

Only The Lonely

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Okay let's think for just a moment of all of the lonely people we know. I know many and i am certain you do as well. Lonely people are lonely because they refuse to try. They refuse to come a little out of the circle. They continue to go out with the same lonely people, the same people who, maybe for just that instance, allow them to feel good and secure. They will always feel better than maybe 1 or 2 in their safe little comfort world. These people are lonely. They refuse to help themselves and then, they want to complain. They have convinced themselves that they are perfect and that everyone should fall at their feet. I see through this. You are not the best that you believe yourself to be. You trust no one. You cant fall in love and you refuse to because you are so in love with yourself. She comes to you. You find her. You know you were looking for her because if you weren't, you wouldn't have been there at that same precise moment. Something led you to her. Maybe that same day, you had misplaced your keys, you were mad. But it all worked out because those 10 minutes of fluster led you to find her at that moment. That is precious. That is unique. You sit down to talk. Pour yourself a glass of white wine so you're at ease. She speaks. She's gentle. After a month has past, you know she has developed feelings for you. She's not in love with you but she cares about you. You act on this. Being a man, you need to be in control of this and where it's going. She's flowing like water with you but thats not good enough for you. You must torture her. You must have her pay a second time for all that she has confidentially divulged to you. You need this to go your way. She is nice, delicate, honest and would never dream of hurting you, but you must hurt her, you just have to. Yep, you're the lonely one. You can't get closer with your mind or your soul. You're holding back. You believe that this will end because YOU will end it, it is your call, your doing, you're on a high about it. You're frightened of the hidden danger that may come from expressing yourself. In your mind, it's best to cut your losses. Here are your losses: You actually had a smile on your face and a hard on that never ended for her. You fantasized about her when she wasn't holding you in her arms. This is what you need to end. And you must do it now because yep, you are the lonely one. Why can't you see that there is nothing wrong with feeling good, being with someone who is good to you, who respects you, who adores you. Why do you punish yourself? There are so many around you, I see their faces yet you are so lonely. You asked for me and i came. Why is there no value, no trust? So now lets fast forward to 2 years from now. You're still alone. You think of her, her words, her dreams, her fantasies. You wonder now..was she the one? Did I really see it to the end? Or did I end that magic, that natural connection too soon? What was i thinking? I will never ever know. I didn't trust her. I was too afraid. Why couldn't i just tell her? She, of all women, would've understood. Now I'm alone, once again. I must get the lesson from this. I must learn that i have to stop thinking so much, stop writing so much and actually touch her, feel her, love her. Let her love me right down to my toes. I need to remain focused on not what i want, but what i need. And i need to let someone love me, please.

Next Time

Saturday, August 19, 2006

I could never understand men, what is the problem, if you are seeing someone and that woman might not be your ideal woman in your mind, or maybe she actually could be; there is nothing wrong with seeing where things may lead without any stress or pressure. Why do people tend to shy away from others? You and I both know that you don't have anything else better to do than to explore all outcomes. Aren't we all supposed to be adults? There shouldn't be a time factor placed on people. I think it's beautiful to be open to new people, new families, new surroundings. We are only here for a short while with each other. I don't feel anyone out there could force a commitment. Being adults, we know what feels right, who feels right, and little by little we let that guard down. Isn't it better to have loved than to not have loved at all. Lets face it, we all have some level of baggage, some are heavier than others, and i believe when getting to know someone, some of that baggage may be revealed. As adults, it think it's wise to question where we draw the line. For example, if meeting a man who is a professional at unemployment and lying, this is baggage that i'll turn away from. If he has other baggage, coming out of a bad relationship or bad job or experience, this is where we should weigh the pros and cons, does he have a nice personality, is he warm, affectionate, decent? I don't feel people should be repunished for their bad experiences. I think the world is far too cold and we should make the effort to help those who may have lost their way and a trying so desperately to reconnect to others and society. Forget about yourself, your goals, your beautiful picture and allow yourself to just flow like a river... you just may be surprised as to what you discover, provided that there are NO EXPECTATIONS. There is no ideal match, life is what you make it, destiny needs a push, or sometimes a good kick, or jump start. Dont sit around waiting for that perfect envisioned woman to walk into your life. Create her, Feel her, love her, nurture her and make her yours. Make the time to create the love you want. Your partner becomes your number 1 priority in your life, not your job. A friend of mine recently suffered a horrible accident, left him wheel chair bound for life. His caring and loving wife cares for him, not her dream, not his dream that life would be this way now, but rest assured, he loved her, more than his job, above everything and everyone, and he made time for her, was never TOO BUSY for her. Good move because now, not a day goes by that she is ever to busy for him. He made her. He made her his. He made her love him. He was never ever busy for her. She loves her husband and will care for him in a way that no one could. She still has that passion and chemistry he took the time to create with her, for her. He never judged her. He just loved her, above all things in life. This is a real wife, not the one to leave at the first sign of trouble. Create her and cherish her. This is life.