Deleted...

So this is it, over, completely over and my frustration is sky high. He moved away, came back, stirred up all of this emotion....then we talk, or I should say, HE TALKS, IM's when he feels like it, and ass, ME, always is there to write back...so then I try it, try to be bold, and IM. But when I IM, he gets back to me....umm, 2 weeks later, wtf? So now I wake up. Wide awake, I realize this gay game...I have to be there for when someone gets bored, or goes out on a date gone bad or something....I have to be there for someone who WAS here, but not here., at least for me...
So he IM's, I am sooo annoyed, figured, be strong, blow him off for a week or so, as he does to me. Bold enough, ok, I'm not bold, was just completely busy with work..thank god...and he IM's again...this time..I tell him I can't do this anymore, the false hope of wanting to hear that he's coming back, he made a mistake--or come here and visit me---these messages from deep down inside is what I'm waiting to hear, but its not going to happen, he would've said it already--every time I ask how its going, I cringe as he tells me he's so happy there---so I'm annoyed, I guess he can tell---I vent--say whats really on my mind--as if he cares to listen--as if he cares enough to say, "wow, she's right, I did friggin fight with her over a stupid ticket, threw her out of my life for 3 months of hell, which during those 3 months, her birthday was hell, her christmas was hell, and her new years eve, I bet she couldn't hold the tears back...then I resurface, just to tell her I moved, yup--no good bye---but I do tell her that I'm here, ONE hour away, just picking up stuff and saying goodbye to some friends tonite----?? the sword goes right through, so what the hell am I?? chopped liver?--no, you don' get a goodbye--you're not a friend--this is what I hear---

So now, I vent, he doesn't care, never did...all he can say, is fine, I will delete you in a few sec's. Wait a second, DELETE ME? just like that? Now, I don't know if you've eve been deleted before..but its not a good feeling---at all. I have deleted exams, paper work, assignments, but PEOPLE...?? For me to delete you, as a PERSON, you would have to do something horrible or be someone I just can't stand, that I really want out---out of my life forever---so this is what I hear--tell him to not delete me as it wil kill me--and guess what, he deletes me. Just go--go find whoever you want--whatever you want--go give respect to some tramp out there--one that you will never delete--just fucking go---I need no one---I don't need games, I don't need this mental abuse...I don't need highschool garbage--what I do need is..a solid man--not into these bullshit games--a straight shooter---a sharp shooter--one who knows what he wants and soesn;t settle for less...one who doesn't have his head up his ass...one who doesn't bow down to one who isn't even worthy of shining my shoes---just go--go find some one--these are the guys that, I'm sorry to say..deserve what they get--girls that treat them like shit, that sleep with their best friends, that are big losers, and don't NOW or ever get their shit together--GO--go get her...just go....

So here I am, deleted...looking to move on...find ugh, a new boyfriend, who lives in the same state, who is capable of loving me, the way I know I can love someone---someone who can give me the attention I crave...I am so annoyed, as I HATE TO DATE, more than anything--I don't like people to begin with, I detest weakness, especially in men...there is nothing more less attractive than a man who is not solid--in his thinking, his ways, his goals, his morals, his actions--I'm solid in all of the above, which I know, is the reason people have always been attracted to me...yup, even women, gross...but not in that way---if I was a piece of crap--I wouldn't have all of the drama bullshit problems I've had---which is why I just steer clear of people, men and women...so here I am, going to venture back out of the lovely cave I hate to leave..to find some love, some attention...from 1 good man...keep your fingers crossed for me...