Wedding Bells...

So I was in Staten Island all night, doing shower envelopes...I do calligraphy....My girlfriend's brother is getting married..my right arm for 20 years...somehow I still see this 14 year old boy in front of me...now getting married? I don't know Joe...it just seems so strange....he is not only getting married next month, he is also becoming a father in just a few months. This is all way too much to take in...timing is everything in life. Now, what a great guy...an awesome kid..I don't know, something just doesn't feel right...I mean, they only have met 3 months now...gets me wondering...now, March will make the same 3 months that I know H....a baby...nonetheless marriage...no way...I don't think I would be able to cope...how does life change so quickly...what am I missing...maybe I'm slow...I don't know...maybe life really is about chances and risks...maybe life is supposed to be shaken up a bit and sometimes we just have to say fuck it and go with the flow...I don't know...is it possible to "just know". Is it true that you just know when you meet that person? Now, I've been out of the loop, out of the game for so long...I was never in the market of dating...never dated around...Having a strong personality and a no tolerance for bullshit attitude...I always knew in a matter of seconds if it would be in my best interest to just walk away from someone...is it really that hard to connect to someone these days? Are we supposed to value everyone we connect with and see it to its final hour...how do we know when its supposed to end....I really don't venture out to meet people..I hate people..all shapes and sizes and colors...so I don't know...I know what I look for in a friend..what I would look for in a man..what I would look for in an aquaintance...the main basic quality being honesty...I hate frigin liars and I detest people who are not straight forward and not straight shooters...but how do you just know? How does one decide if having a child with someone after only 3 months is the thing to do? Call me safe...but my mother always said, A hungry dog will eat raw bones....so with me, I know I'm not hugry for anything or anyone in my life...With H, I want to take things slow...I've always been one for quality, not quantity....meaning that I enjoy our quality moments together...our quality conversations...do we click...I don't know...I really don't know how to tell..am I supposed to nurture him more...am I supposed to see this through to someplace...I just don't know how to tell....now H is out there...he goes out...he's been all over the world...he is quite lived and experienced...he should know before I would if we have a connection...if we click..as friends...lovers...or something...I will follow his lead on this one...as for me....I have only connected with 2 my whole life....doing an evaluation...there was of course...the ex...who had my back....my mentor slash protector throughout my early years...then just recently....a man whom I had mentally connected with..without ever meeting..just a ghost..who left me with so much...so much understanding of life....the first person on my journey back to living in the world...that connection ended..was the time up...how could you tell...how does one know...and now H....the first real man to come along and be so gentle...the man with the hands...the man who has jump started me physically...so is this how it works?...one was the mental...then the physical....then the spiritual comes next? Why can't I have him all in one...a little package deal....I don't know...maybe I need to be like Joe and take a chance...but I have so much to lose....but on the flip side...i would have so much to gain....how do you know...how do you just know....I wish I wasn't so scared of life..I wish I could meet someone who can give me some type of guarantee...someone to sign on the dotted line...make an agreement, contract, or something...I hate having to rely on myself for the answers...I guess I need to be like Joe...I guess I need to live a little...but I don't want to be hungy....not starving for some bone...or boner.....eh, just on my mind.....