Do I run again now?

Ugh, what a week I'm already having..and its only freakin Monday...so this ass, crazy psych from work was once again, out sick...Friday and now today..what a freakin loser..means more work for me...but eh, I'm a worker, fully competent...nothing phases me...how everyone talks about her...my partner is so disgusted...my boss..even more disgusted...but I kept to my favorite line..saying once again..."Let me just keep my mouth shut", truth is, I really don't give a fuck about people and their hang ups or delinquent attitude or performance...I really only care about myself and doing what I have to do...other than that..my other favorite line.."Don't mistaken me for someone who cares, you just may be disappointed." So I parked in the gay parking lot...thank God it wasnt that cold..but how I detest lugging my stuff ..my boss is worried about me...I hate that..you know when you try not to feed something energy and you really don't want to think about it...and then someone has to sit you down and bring it fucking up...my boss says I'm being watched...that someone is watching me...she feels uneasy..which eh...makes me feel uneasy...now growing up sheltered, exposed to only one man my whole life...the all girls Catholic School...yea, its great being in a bubble...but when reality hits..it becomes the hardest thing to deal with..which is why..eh I've chosen to just refrain from life....it makes me feel better....so big deal, I was lonely before meeting H, but I think I could've dealt with it if he had never come along...and truth remains..how much do I know about him..how does one dissect his truth from his lies....are there lies...are there truths...now I'm very straight forward..too straight forward..too honest..too blunt...but how can I tell..........he really has my nuts twisted tonight...tonight we chatted...not on the phone, but via freakin im....which is kinda strange..because through the computer...I know, I personally tend to be free...I tell this man so many things that I would never have the balls to tell him in person...you know, that stuff that you feel real deep down inside that you know would never dare come out of your mouth..so question...is it the same for him...so tonight he tells me that he slept with a woman a few times while away...the one thing I feared...now you're home 2 freakin days H, did u have to lay this on me..are you trying to turn me off darling...now I missed this man terribly..but he's home freakin 2 days and he is driving me nuts already...how much damage is a person capable of doing in just 2 days...I think it was better when he was away...I think its best for him to just go away again..hell, I'll even pack for him.....so I am torn...why is he telling me first of all...we are not committed to each other..there was no reason for me to have all of this additional information..now he also included her age..which is 26...now I USED to be 26, which I am no longer...so how the hell am I supposed to feel, being older than 26..that the man I am nuts for is telling me that he banged 4 to 5 times a 26 yr.old milf...a mom..with a 4 year old...yuk...are you trying to make sure you don't lay me...are you trying to turn me off....because he's doin a great fucking job.....so now I haven't had actual sex with him as I am not one..remember I only think of germs...to just do that with anyone..as awesome as I feel with him...and how I want him so bad....I know I have to wait and learn more about him..will he freakin leave me after 4 to 5 times...I would be devastated...so these are the things I know about myself..what I am trying to do..is figure out where his head is...does this guy freakin like me??? I don't know..I don't even know...now for the last month..yea..he calls me all of the time...if I called him twice, I called him twice...I love the fact that he is sooo good with the phone...love the fact that he bought me flowers, takes me out...was in bed with me all night..drives an hour each way and every time to see me...bought me an amazing Mohammad Rafi CD Collection that I simply adore...the way he buys me gummy bears at the movies...he is just too perfect..now he tells me this...and I cringe...I played it cool because I freakin have to..because he's not my husband or my own person possession..so I have to be cool.....being cool sucks....I wanted to curse him out sooo bad...you mf what the hell are u tellin me this for, take a hike, its over don't ever even think of touching me EVER...but I was cool, I smiled a lot as I was typing to him because it was either do that or curse him out...now while he was away..and I was freaking that he would meet a woman that he would fall in love with.... I just kept telling my girlfriends..that he has to come home to me because I am so not done with him...there is so much more that I want from him...so wtf...why tell me about this freakin woman...I do see him differently now in my mind..I have created such a perfect image of him in my mind...one which reflects that he's not going to hurt me....that I can trust him..that he's going to get me out of this funk I'm in for far too long...but is this just my wishful thinking...just my dream to be swept away by that strong man that makes everything go away..the man that you can just submit to..and let go..and know that he has your back??? How will I know...H, I want to choke you...but at the same time..I need to see you so bad....oh and should I worry if he's with someone on Valentine's Day..he has not even mentioned a word...I am so broken hearted...I don't know..my gut is telling me to wait and see him face to face...but I just don't know...if and when I would've seen him for the first time..and as much as I thought about him being with a woman over there...do you know...I wouldn't have even asked him...because iI wouldn't want the image to be distorted..and also because I just don't fucking want to or need to know..it would be more than enough for me that he came back to me...and was with me...what the hell would I care about what he did while freakin away.....I just don't want the image of him ruined...I don't know...I am so not into this guy stuff..this bullshit...my ex never put me through this...his attitude was once its in me...its not going in anyone else...which is the way it should be..Thank God I didnt sleep with him before he left...I would be devastated right now...so what do I know about him.......do I need this aggravation with all of the other bullshit in my life..if I will be with a man..he's gotta have my back and not torture me this way...where does a man like this exist..does he exist...Uugh