Love or Lust or Lonely.....

Okay, so this frigin trip is soon to be over...I can't frigin wait...a few more days and then I will know...I will know if he has any feeling or memory of me...I still can't believe he's gone, so far from me...after having such an amazing month, such a short amount of time together...I'm sitting here, frightened to death, but trying to analyze my feelings that I have. So its safe to say that I adore him. I enjoy spending time with him...he doesn't bother me, as so many people do. My best friend in the whole world, eh, I love her to death, but I just can't spend more than a few hours with her...I start to get crazy...need to breathe. With H, its the opposite, I feel as if I need more time, more hours, unending time...so maybe this is a good thing. I enjoy being with him, doing stuff together, doing nothing together, walking with him, driving with him, watching movies with him, eating with him, everything...so we did have about 6 dates..did I move too fast? He did claim he was frightened of me...frightenened that I had been without a man in my life for sooo long. Maybe I did rush things a bit, but I was also afraid of his leaving town, this frigin trip from hell....I know I am so sexually attracted to him...I think he is incredibly hot and sexy...I love his take control attitude..his need to be the boss attitude...I just love it...I love his gentle tone the most...love his gentleness...now, being with a bad ass for many years..the ex always said, the harder the man, the softer the woman...meaning, i guess...all the bad boys always get the good girls. He was such a fuck to so many people, such a bad ass, but to me, always had that soft, gentleness that I needed, always had that gentle way that I grew so used to....so now H has that same way...that calm, I'm in no rush attitude..that sweet, gentle way...so these are the things I love so much about him...now lust...okay maybe I was wicked with him, had way too much bottled for way too long....and that last night of being with him...God, it just felt so good to let go...to be so free with someone who you desire and like...I actually like him.....never "liked the ex"...so to say that I like him, eh, its big for me...So now, I can be out getting laid, being felt up by any man...I think its quite easy for a woman to go somewhere and then go home with a man...this is someting I have never...nor would ever do...but I know its something that can happen very easily...hell, I wouldn't even have to leave the house, I can even find someone on the computer...with me, there is a problem...I can't kiss someone unless I care about them...may sound strange...never could understand how people just swap spit...maybe it has something to do with my obsessive cleaning disorder..germs........I don't know...but uh, I can't do it...So when H and I kissed...it was after date 3...and I was dying for it...last time was with the ex....after spending so many hours with him...I knew I wanted to be kissed by him...now I know myself...too well...I could probably have 3 dates with someone and not feel anything for them...I would probably pray that he doesn't kiss me or touch me or put his arm around me during a movie...but with H, I don't know..it just seemed so natural, so right...the night that we spent together....a first for me...was so weird, the weirdest thing....it felt so right...so comfortable..I swear...it felt as if I had been with this man before...I felt as if I had been sleeping next to him for many years...I don't know...am I lonely...am I in major lust for him...or am I in love with him....am I confused because he is out of sight...but certainly not out of mind...I don't know...God, can you freakin come home already....I can't take it much longer...I deserve like a million dollars or some type of amazing award for being put through this ordeal...ugh, H.....I'm having such a bad moment right now....and I can't even talk to you about it...because your probably still freakin sleeping on the other side of the world...can you wake the fuck up....I really need to talk to you...you don't even have to answer darling...just let me vent....I miss you so much....