Loving The Unavailable....

Okay..so I'm missing him....terribly...I don't even know what to do....there is a part of me that just wants to give him up again...I feel that we are not going to end up anywhere significant in life..he has other objectives, other goals, other dreams, other desires. Do I quit while I'm ahead, before things become harder and get deeper, oh how I love that word,.... deeper...I don't know how he feels, I have no clue...Who the hell meets someone and then after a month, the person leaves town, this is cruel and not nice...I have no freakin luck, which is why its best for me to remain detached from others, especially men. There is something that is just too familiar about him..something so comfortable...I don't know, and then there is this other side, where I just can't put my finger on it...but something I'm feeling about him still being in love with the ex...I don't know..maybe I'm just insecure..duh..I know I am...but I just feel he is sometimes sooo distracted...I don't know, maybe my mind is just too analytical...that would be the Math and numbers passion inside of me...He is unavailable..unavailable to me..I require far too much attention and I don't think he can handle me...I need a man who can handle me...everything about me...maybe I just need to sit tight and wait for him to come home. Then, there is this part of me, a big part of me...that just wants to be in bed with him the minute he lands...for the next 100 hours...I don't know...can he handle this...can he understand that after a month with him in my life...my outlook is so different, so changed...I have a pulse, there are things I'm dreaming of again...a daughter...with long hair like mine...that I can curl at the bottom...someone to inherit my wonderful genes...someone to walk this earth in perfect bitch mode...however, remaining nice to all...I can produce that....what the hell has come over me...am I nuts...where is this coming from, I need to speak to my mother this weekend...for a good few hours...why I am, all of a sudden thinking this way....was it that suppressed...was it always there..did I need for him to open me up like this...get me thinking when I've had no thoughts...Maybe its early menopause. I can't have a child at my age...the big four o is too close...but it would be nice to have someone to take shopping, someone who could have a strong appreciation for dresses, and shoes and pocketbooks...He is unavailable to me...unavailable for me...I have to stop this...I need a man who can give me what I now desire..a man who can understand me..a man who gives me every second of his attention...a man in the same country...a man without feelings for his ex..an honest man...a man who wants me..a man who wants to settle with me....a man who can give me Kajol.....