What am I Doing Up At This Hour?

Contemplating, thinking, pondering. Finally coming back to something I love to do but never have enough time to do, expressing myself. It has been so long. Since I've last written, I've been on somewhat of a roller coaster, I've been overwhelmed, over-worked, aggitated, disgusted, tried and convicted, exhausted, and exhausted. Work is work and will always be work. Something different: I no longer get the same satisfaction as I have through the years. Something has changed. Me.

It's not that I'm uninspired or boring, but more empty. Job life has become dull, repetitious and seems more of a chore and a job. My work had always felt more of where I needed to be, didn't ever seem like work, was quite enjoyable and fulfilling. The job hasn't changed a bit. I have. I have become more preoccupied with who I am, what type of a woman I am, and I'm wondering where my special place is. (It's not all found at my job, where I was always at and what defined me.) When I step away from it, there is me, a person. I never stepped away, never found myself, but hid myself in a job that really feels so insignificant to who I am.

I've changed. But nothing around me has. Personally, my family is all in check, thank god. They're all the same. Kids are getting bigger, family is expanding and I'm still where I'm at, as if I were 15 again. I love them but eh, I want and crave another life, something I never dared to think of.

H. H. H. the last component of change. He changed, I swear.... I didn't. It was him, all his doing. Your Honor, that man has changed. I'd like to blame him. He became so distant, drew so far away from me....and one day, poof...gone into the abyss. Doesn't even answer the phone.
My attitude---:you no longer want my love, my attention....you got it.
If he has wished me away, so be it. If I love him, I must let him go, if he comes back, then I torture him for life...or something like that, I always forget the ending of that saying...

Once again, all alone....but trying to make this life that I now crave a reality. A life of me, a life for me, just me...of all of the things I wanted long ago but forgot about, of all of the dream I had but awoke. Now, its me, my turn....my time, to finally unleash all that has filled me and consume me through years of tuning out. I'm ready to take a chance, but scared as hell. Taking things one day at a time and enjoying the new me. The new me of wanting, exploring, and changing.

This life is too short. Its too short to waste on things, jobs, people who really can't see, who really can't fulfill, who really don't care about who you are, what you want, and where you want to go.

It's time to live life as if it ends tomorrow, because in reality, it will end sooner than we think. And if its one thing I really want, its someone to love me for me....not for what I do, what I have, or what I look like, or where I studied...but for me....for who I am. That will be a first....a first that I've waited patiently for....so wish me luck...

Single

Okay, so I haven't written in quite some time and this is whats going on. I'm single. Did I say it correctly? I have been so busy with work, work is good. Family back and forth and back and forth, like a revolving door. With the never ending chaos--I did find time to date--so I went on a date, with a surgeon....ugh, one date and he loves me. So of course, I continue to date, only to realize that this is hard. It is very difficult to keep company with someone who is tooooo good looking. This is where I learned some valuable stuff.

A guy who has a hot ride, a hot face, a hot job is just a regular person. He is more lonely than you think, he really wants to settle down, and is looking to commit. His good looks mean nothing. We talked about this. He also questioned my looks, okay, so its not my fault I look like a walking blow job--this is called genes. I inherited my looks and ways from my parents. The real deep down me is the opposite of what I appear to be. He said it is the same for him. He is the opposite of the car, the looks, the job. So yup, I scratch my head and actually feel that I can relate.

Now, its not nice to prejudge anyone and I freakin hate it when people assume things about me as well. So I felt the surgeon was only looking for sex and ugh, its not happening---so after my insinuations and accusations all a bit less of having a knife to his throat demanding to know what he wants from me---I get a reply that is weird---because I am nice--homely--good hearted---hmmmmm...wtf? confused, baffled...I come to realize that there are men out there that are just like me....I learned that I shouldn't be so quick to judge and assume all men want is sex..just because H was this way does not mean everyone is....What I did learn was that good exist in all, regardless of looks, car or job---an ugly guy can screw you over---maybe one with a crap job or even someone unemployed---he can have a crap car and still be a jerk---so even if he has his act together---has it all--do not rule him out--in the end he comes from the same place that I do--holds tightly to the things most important to us--which is family--honesty--loyalty---and just good old traditional ways which stand out in a place where I can't find it, especially in my job---no where to be found---in this lost generation of lost ideals, lost values, NO tradition...and crappy lifestyles, with NO respect--not even for the one you're with-wtf--not what we saw in our parents---not what we know--not what we know we need to survive another generation or two---so being single now---I learned something else---he can have it all---but to fall in love with someone and connect on that deep level is soooo hard--and it didn't help that he didn't love the same movies that I do----just another lesson---that deep bonds are so hard to make....... as well as break.....Staying single til the bond man comes....riding up on his white horse---the one who was made for me....the one that I was made for....that only comes once in lifetime---maybe he's having trouble with the saddle---

Merry Christmas 2008

So its been quite a while, a long time not doing what I love to do best, release my feelings, sit calmly having a moment to collect my thoughts. Here it is, the day before Christmas Eve and I can finally have the moment. Where do I begin? For starters, parents are in town for the holiday, killed myself as usual getting everything together for them, tied up the job with a nice long vacation until the 5th---and looking back--another year older, ugh---but not wiser. After officially being dumped on my birthday--yes, by H---the one who resurfaced yet again--claiming to not have received my email of "no more."--yes, he resurfaced--this time bold, I stood up for myself. I know these travelling salesmen--that love to have a girl in every town--where they can just say--here I am--and show up---so I put my foot down--not wanting to be "that girl"--I realized that is what I've become to him---and I hate it---since my feelings run so much deeper--Its this time 2 yrs ago that I had the best week of my life---I sit and reminisce about my gift, my present for Christmas from him--the pink ribbon around the flowers he gave to me--the petals that I kept from all of them--and the ribbon--the difficult time of moving away from my family to actually make time for someone other than them...how weird it felt to have someone in my life---the happiest moments of my life that he gave to me--cared to give to me---so I ponder--wonder how its been reduced to this---how he allowed it to come to this---how he could leave--and then just pop in and out of my life--forgetting the dates, the times, as I was just another one for him---where he was all--everything to me---in the end it doesn't matter---life goes on--for him---for me--its where I want to stay--closing down and withdrawing--detaching---going back into the safe cocoon--reverting back to a place that was dark, yet safe---wondering how to get out of it---making a post but too weirded out for follow up or follow through--just staying here--this last christmas --reliving the one from 2 yrs ago---where it felt so right---so good---so perfect---before he threw it all away--for what or for whom---I don't know---but in his heart--I hope its better than what he threw away---in my heart---I am very hard to find elsewhere and this he will realize at some point in his life---withdrawn and empty--a very Merry Christmas to all and to my H--who is still in my heart.....

A switch to just turn it off

Wishing everyone a Happy Eid! Busy, too busy with 2 programs, my job, my family. Walls are closing in but I'm still standing. I figured the best remedy would be to keep busy. Keeping busy puts somewhat of a restrain on thinking of people and as much as I try to refrain from being idle...nite falls. And when the night approaches, comes the memories, the missing, and pining. So am I killing myself too much during the day and still....no escape?

I wish there was a switch. A switch that can just turn all of this off, like a faucet. This is where I have to give credit to men. How do you do it? How do you just turn if off? Then turn it on and turn it off. This is what I have to find the answer to, so I too, can just turn it off. Even though, being who I am, I am against the turning off. This is where parents are BAD. They raise you to become adults, who are loving, show compassion, good-hearted, except to those who fuck with me, and loyal....and then we all go out there....like sheep amidst the wolves and we change. We change through experiences. Some of us pay heavily, a price for someone else's coldness, bad ways. Some are affected and close others off---allowing the BAD person to win....others take on the personality and bad ways of the evil ones they came across.
This is what I am seeing now...a person that I was not raised to be...a person who saw the wolf but through time, never wanted to make someone else pay for anothers bad ways. But here I am, feeling as if I am paying for someone elses bad experiences.
What I am learning is that I will not allow anyone to pay for anything. I will take people as they are with me. And as far as the switch....I don't want to turn it off...I want it to always be on. The light to always be bright...the way I was raised....to show love, give love, be expressive---not allowing anyone to change me, not allowing past experience to win.

In the end, I want to win....with someone who will know what to do with my love....and someone who won't make me pay for their past experiences.....past let downs, disappointments, etc.
Face it.... in the end, isn't it better for the one or ones who hurt us, NOT to win.....anymore?
Isn't it better to resume back to who we all were originally, with the important things still at the top of the list. The showing of feelings and emotions, no lies, no pretending...just you...just me..the way we were meant to be........with no outside interference....where together, we win.

September 1

September 1st, means the beginning of school--and Ramadan...wishing everyone a blessed holy month...and me....time to wake up early....get back to things...no more sulking...no more wondering...silence is golden and sometimes silence speaks louder than anything anyone has to say....so I wrote H a goodbye note---woops--phone--be rite back...

Healing

So part of being let down, disappointed...once again.....comes the healing. Healing is good, its not a bad thing, I firmly believe that time heals all wounds, but why must it be almost 2 yrs of the same wound? This is where I don't understand the whole time thing--why do some people fade and some we just can't erase from memory or from the heart? Is it being stubborn or is it fate....this I don't know---Erasing is hard, so as of last nite---I did what H finds so easy to do---I DELETED him, its the closest I can get to erasing....Yup, on the way I hope to a speedy recovery, I've deleted him--the way he went home after being with me and just deleted me....what is a friend, he claims I'm his friend, yet doesn't treat me like one---Do normal people delete their friends, do normal people insult their friends, do normal people lie about their sign? So feeling hurt, disappointed, confused once again....I've decided to once again lick my wounds and move on. Today, I spent the day with my friend R.....R is cool....R is on my side....R offers comfort, listens to my complaining....R despises what H does to me...He is a pal--a real girlfriend, when you need that talk-----that talk that leaves you questioning....are you more miserable with the other person in your life-----or without----without, I'm upset....with, I am the happiest ever....but what can you do when the one you want wants the complete opposite of the person that you are?????....You realize its not going to happen...remain unselfish and let go---so the other one can find their happiness...find what he desires, what will make him happy, what will complete him....you let go....realizing that you can't wait here any longer, for something....someone that does not even keep you as a friend....you watched the phone ring--you refused to answer----you let go---the heart stops trying....no longer willing----its not what he wants---with all of the love you have for him----you delete him, never answer the call....to help lead him to his destination----a Mendhi nite , which will turn into some other nite, some other function, some other thing that "he has to search out" to see what's there, who's there--searching for what ever it is that he needs.....its not you.....so with what has been close to 2 yrs of knowing something so valuable, so beautiful....its time to move....time to let go...time to let the other one be.....time for you to make new friends who regard you as a friend...treats you as a friend...who doesn't take advantage of your kindness.....time to not be sooo dumb anymore.

Something Insightful

So I just read something that made by eyebrows go up...."what lies next depends on whats in your soul.... and your maker....." I thought this sounded deep and wanted to write it down.....wooo