Ghost Writer

He was a ghost writer, in the literal sense. Who was he, and where did he come from? You were lonely, feeling, at last, a little bold. Now time was to your avail. You trusted your friend, you took the big step, not searching for more than a male companion; just a friend, a date, to actually get dressed, to go somewhere in the company of a strong man. This was your game plan. Leaving town was the inevitable. How mysteriously interesting that to leave town for a month of every year allows one to become rejuvenated while subconsciously hiding from reality, that yes, you don't have to date. You need to break out of this. Try NOT to convince yourself that you need no one, if you start to believe this, fate has a way of showing you someone, someone that you just couldn't ever dream of living without, someone you need, someone who needs you, like water. When playing with fire, beware as you just may get burnt. Life is to be enjoyed, to be lived, not to run away from, not to ignore, you will eventually realize that the one who suffers is only thy self, the one who builds the wall or the runner who runs away. So you do the impossible, the unthinkable; you develop a friendship on the computer. You're street smart, who can get over on you? Who will dare to pull a fast one on you? You take shit from no one. You have an attitude, a disposition, the way you carry yourself, says Fuck Off, to all on your path. You are the master, you know far too well how to work that tough exterior of yours to your advantage; you command the attention, command the repect, yet with one look, everyone knows to keep far away. He's on the computer, he can't see this. You're vulnerable, defenses are down, what were you thinking? It's the safest and most secured route to take. It becomes the path less followed for some, but for you, it became the only path to your destination, a destination you should've reached many years ago. As time progressed, you became comfortable. Little Ms. frightened of the world starts to trust, she begins to befriend, she peeks her head out of the cave. She slowly lets that guard down. But who is he? How honest and truthful is he? Where did he come from? What has he to say? Oh how the prose, the poetry becomes day by day, night by night, so compelling. His words are filled with ecstasy, pure pleasure. He creates a world for you. You begin to open up to him, you choose to trust him. You both have so much to say. He has your head spinning. He creates, he's a Creator, he becomes YOUR CREATOR. The fantasy is too much to handle. You go deeper and deeper. He has created for you habits that are so close to your own. He has created utopia. He traps you and calls you in, breaks down that tough side of you, slowly pulls you in deeper, closer to him, closer to his life, you even took care of him when he was sick. You trust him, you don't care, you go, you want to go, you have to go, you have to grow. Part of you tells you to be careful. Part of you whispers that he's married, he's with children, another part claims he's a player, you believe you're not the only one he's creating for. You don't care, you don't even want to know. It never goes that route, you don't want to know who he's fucking or who he fucked last night. You think about it for all of 2 minutes and then it disappears. Why? All you know is that you want this to continue. You want him to continue to fuck you and love you real good, you whisper to him....to love you so intently, so thoroughly, so deeply, so carefully, so slowly, so passionately, through that email. You beg him to surrender his mind to you, his thoughts, you'll keep them safe for him. Know why, because it's all you have. You've actually trusted him. You have lifestyles that are similar. You're upbringing, even foods you like are the same. He is the perfect match, you're the perfect match. This is what he creates. It's not real, IT'S ALL FAKE, for crying out loud, I think he might even be Jewish. So what's the problem? The problem is the same problem we all experience with men darling....he pulls out. He has to pull it out. It's going to come to an end. Do you know why? Because someone's going to fold. Chances are, it will be him, he lied, he was just a ghost. All of this computer fucking, computer love making, will eventually get into your head. It will get into your head and eventually flow right down to your heart. You played with the fire. Starting a raging fire, within yourself. You were so desperate to feel again. Now, now, now, You know you're still too frightened, too frightened to ever meet him, you have actually grown content with being seduced by him, by his words. It's so much safer for you. You're too reserved, too uptight, can't relax, yes, you need a drink, darling. He may be happy and fulfilled with his imaginary bitch, his whore, his slave, his little girl, his pure inexperienced virgin; no matter what the description, no matter what the position, no matter what the role playing, he creates it, he indulges in it, he's safe through that computer. This is so safe for the two of you. It's building up, it's becoming heated, you know if you were to meet, you would both be seduced by each other within minutes. You've connected, it's the strongest mental, mind blowing connection. He has given you his mind, you've given him every part of you. Through the mental, the spiritual is born. He has aroused your mind, now he's going for the soul, but wait, it'll soon be aborted. So let me tell you, allow me to share, internet connection is strong. There are many people who will only annoy you. Those who have made a part time career of visiting chat rooms, placing personal ads, all of you are far aware of disaster that occurs in a matter of minutes, maybe days. But he, the generation x man, the star raver, has seduced you to the point of no return. He has gotten into your head, into your dreams, he's now in your bed. You wake up saturated from him, creaming, in a delightful state of ecstasy, how you desire him, you want him, deep inside of you, you need him. You want all of him, you roll over for him, just to feel his face next to yours, breathing down your neck, his hands all over you. He may have the same thoughts, he may not, he may claim he does, but you'll never know. This was all but a game for him. It was all lies, no truth to anything, maybe he really is a hundred yrs old, maybe he really has no soul. Maybe he really is heartless and he acted on your vulnerability. He saw a weak person and decided to mess with her feelings more. He was so wrong to do this. Why did he do this to you? He disappears, there is no number, no name, a lost connection. Why did he do this, was he really married, was he really him? Did that beautiful face belong to him or was this a case of face off. The face you saw in your dreams, the face you fell in love with. Was he some fantasy writer who only knew certain things that you would've liked, was he Jewish, God forgive me, was he old, matured, experienced, were you his 100th victim, what happened? Why didn't he meet you and grab you and give you what he knows you need. What's wrong with living in the moment? It's part of the journey. What was he hiding? Where is the honesty? You bared truthfully, every word of your soul to him. Why can't he just tell you? What was the biggest lie of them all? You rack your brain, but nothing, you can't think. Did he lie, did he lie about his existence, his career, his education, his age? Do you care? If he came to you tomorrow and revealed that he was the lawn mower of many yards, you wouldn't even be phased. You would still run into his arms and embrace this man, this genius who slowly, with his words, took full ownership over you, swept you off of your feet. This you will never know. Whatever made him stop, whatever made him pull out, whatever made the runner run away, you will never know. The only thing you do know is that you enjoyed the ride, enjoyed the journey, enjoyed the multiple orgasms he gave to you, enjoyed him, enjoyed the passion he felt obligated to create for a girl whom he knew was too scared to go out and find for herself. This you love him for, he understood, he knew what you needed, he read your mind, he read your heart, he read your soul. He came through for you. He saved you from another depressingly safe summer. He broke you in gently, day by day, night after night, he fixed what was broken. He gave you a pulse. He had his way with you and you enjoyed every moment of it. He left you with his words, his prose. You reread him, he brings a tear to your face. You miss him so much, so dearly. He became a common name in your home, among your friends. What can you say to them now, except that they were right and you were foolish and blind. Being blind to him and his lies, you would do it again in a heart beat, for what he gave to you, for how he made you feel. You were now only getting comfortable, there was supposed to be so much more. How could he pull that rug out from right underneath you like this? What did you do to him to deserve this? Where has he gone. My 2 favorite sayings in the world, 'the end justifies the means'....meaning in the very end, nothing came of anything, and 'when the heart is willing, it finds a 1000 ways, when it is not, it tries 0 ways', meaning he didn't care to explain, to say something, to validate your unending questions, to give you closure. In life, we must lose something in order to gain. I believe you gained, you gained so much. Wherever he disappeared to, there's a piece of him that he'll never realize he left behind. He did leave you with validation, he validated your loneliness, he became your friend, your confidant, your lover. He stole your mind. He seduced you in a very slow passionate way, in a way you're too terrified to explore if it can exist in someone real. I think we all know it doesn't exist. Face to face connections are so cheap, so false. It's always just a matter of time before mr. or ms. wonderful can't suppress the real them, the fake side is created to be the ideal person, your dream man, your dream woman, then if collapses. You wonder what you saw in each other, it was the physical, with no connection. But this, this was so real, this was no holes barred, you told of yourself, showed all of your cards, because deep down inside, you knew he wasn't yours for keeps. You know there was more than meets the eye. You knew there was something wrong but you needed him to come through for you, to make you feel beautiful, to make you feel desirable. You waited for him everyday, just to read his words that you made yourself believe were truth, but in reality they were all lies. But this he did for you, YOUR CREATOR. He leaves you feeling a little warmer about life, about men, he left you feeling more conscious about your body. You know now that you can eat what you like but darling you must work it off!!!! You have strength now. He left you with words, YOU, who never writes, except for your lists, things to do, things to buy, things to do and the order to do them in, things people borrowed from me, things to change in my life, things to remember, and more lists. You start blogging, you realize you like to write. After expressing your thoughts via email, you learned from him, that writing is good, it's a phenomenal outlet. You miss writing to him. Feeling him through every word, letting him feel you through every word, every desire, every thought. He left you with so much in just a short span of time. You still have that smile on your face when you talk about him. You wonder what to do with his stuff. He was your gentle, soothing, passionate, and oh so intense summer lover, in your mind. So now it's over, the season is changing, the leaves are falling. Time has run out. Stop trying to email him, he's not there, he doesn't want to be found. There is no explanation that's coming, so stop checking. He made a choice and he is experienced enough to know, wise enough to know, that in making a choice, he has eliminated a possibility. And no, he chooses to not even remain friends, how come? Why not just a casual email from time to time, a "How's everything going email". Why must this bridge burn down to nothing? It can't happen. Through 2 lovers, two serious lovers that were created, lovers can only see each other. Nothing and no one else exists around them, but them. They're consumed by each other, they need very little. So nope, he can't tell you about the new girl he's banging, the old buthana sisters he finally hooked up with, together. YOUR CREATOR created an image, created lovers who only saw each other. They are supposed to be safe, free, and lost only in each other. Reality of his real life is not supposed to exist. The lies and betrayal can't come out, it will destroy the memory of whoever the ghost writer was. It will break your heart more. You can only concentrate on the positives he left you to think about. You have to be careful with this computer stuff, I don't think its for you. There are mean people out there and you have a career, something you are now frightened that may be jeopardized by a ghost. But your trust in him is so deep, you feel he'll keep our words, our thoughts safe. He has to. I don't want to believe he set out to hurt you, but right now, you know nothing. And you are a bit frightened that your words may come back to haunt you or even ruin your career. He is a man in demand, a man on the prowl, there isn't enough room in his life to continue to create for you. He met someone on that plane, a gorgeous, intelligent woman. He fell madly in love. That's okay, just tell me. How could I be upset, to find love, I would be happy for him, as it's such a rare thing to come by. This is what you tell yourself. This is what you accept to believe. You have to, because he's gone. The connection is not interrupted, it's lost darling. Lost forever. He has moved on and you must too. You will always hear the rain, always hear the thunder. For that moment, you will revert back to your lover, you run to him. You'll become uninhibited, you'll let your guard down for just that moment. He left you with a memory that will soon fade, it's fading quickly, why did you delete that picture by mistake, why do you do these things? Was he erased that day by pure fate. Was this fates way of letting you know that you need to forget that beautiful face? You will feel him in that instance, in a way you can only dream to be real. He is gone, back to his wife, back to a new lover, he's forgotten you in a matter of a day. He's not coming back, you won't see him walking along 28th Avenue, you won't run into his arms and be embraced by him. You'll never feel his heart beat. You'll never feel his breath on your neck. You'll never look into his eyes. You'll never feel him the way you imagined. He has nothing to say to you, no closure, no explanation. So say goodbye here. Say goodbye for the last time to your so dear to you lover. Say goodbye to a fire that was lit, but has now died down in him, whoever he was. It'll always be lit, still burning bright in your heart, in your soul. Reread him, let the tears fall, miss him. He left such an imprint, created such a connection, such a feeling, you did let go, you learned, you loved. You're happy it was him. You felt close to him. So hold onto it, because darling, it will be a very long, long, time before it comes again, if it ever does and be careful! Next time, never let him leave you, never give him the chance, never give him a reason. You've done it before, you can do it again. Next time, he'll never leave you. Even though I have been exercising so much, just remember me this way. You still owe me my chapter....don't make me wait. "I can't unlove you." So goodbye and good night my lover, sleep well. I miss you darling, my friend slash lover, more than you know. -your wicked streak lover